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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my own bedroom (ie not share with DH)?

47 replies

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 09:52

totally rhetorical question as don't have a spare bedroom and won't be moving any time soon but...

I have never been a great sleeper and have gotten progressively worse over the years. On a typical night I get up 3-5 times a night & go to the loo. I was beginning to think I had some kind of serious bladder problem but a close relative said her theory is that if I'm a light sleeper i get woken by other things and just decide to get up and go to the loo as long as I'm awake anyway.

So anyway, DH has been away since thursday and I realised I haven't slept this well in years! Last night I only woke once to go the loo. Once! Can't remember the last time I only woke up once in the night. And I feel so much better for it. I miss DH and am looking forward to him coming back tomorrow but part of me is disappointed that I'll have to go back to sharing our lovely, comfy bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 12:19

have to admit sharing the bathroom doesn't really bother me, possibly because a)we have a very large ensuite with two sinks and two sets of cupboards and b)no one in my house pees on the floor - seriously, i was warned by many when I put a carpet in my tiny downstairs loo that it was a bad, bad idea. But DH has excellent aim and DS - well, either it's genetic or DH has trained him well.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 07/09/2009 12:24

Another one with separate bathrooms here.

Mine's the messy one .

We sleep in the same bed, but I'm a lousy sleeper and do sometimes go into the guest room only to find dh eventually trailing after me.

Dophus · 07/09/2009 12:49

I've tried earplugs and wear them occasionally. Problem then is my breathing and heartbeat are too loud .

I'm also worried that DH wo't wake if the children are crying - he's a really heavy sleeper.

Pharmaceuticals work best for me (zopiclone) sadly these are only for when I really need a good night's sleep and can't take them currently as pregnant.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/09/2009 12:56

In Bangkok, we all (3 of us) had our own bedroom and bathroom. While I don't have masses of unguents and smelly stuff, I really don't like the sight of whiskers in the sink, nor do I like children's bath toys looking at me covered in mould (the toys, not me). Since we moved to switzerland, we have a bedroom for me and dh and dd has her own. We have to share the bathroom en famile, although we don't have the issue of toys anymore. So, in a longwinded way, YANBU.

vezzie · 07/09/2009 13:00

I was going to come on here and say YANBU in case everyone else had been tutting and nay-saying. But no need, I see.

Interesting - I have had 3 long term relationships with ghastly snorers and other habits that deprived me of sleep, and they have all been appalled at my desperate occasional ad hoc removal of self to anywhere at all where I could get at least some sleep (on one occasion, under the kitchen table), and would never have countenanced a more comfortable, formalised arrangement. Is this horrible convention of jamming two adults into the same bed where one lies awake as often as not yet another unquestionable, relatively recent "normality" that is all to men's advantage?

Sharing a bed is lovely, but has nothing to do with sleeping. And I need sleep.

I wonder if all these men would feel less whiningly possessive about their women's bodies at night, no matter what the disadvantage to the women, if they had been breastfed (semi tongue in cheek - the most unreasonable of my exes on this issue had the least loving mother who had told her children all their lives that she "didn't like babies" and never cuddled them)

vbusymum1 · 07/09/2009 13:10

Sugarmagnolia (great name btw, are you a Deadhead ?) don't you worry that if you use earplugs you won't hear your DCs if they wake/cry in the night and what sort do you use ?

slowreadingprogress · 07/09/2009 13:36

in fact don't Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live right next door to each other? Now that is the recipe for a happy marriage.

DH's house would have a huge, wall mounted flat screen telly with cinema surround sound and the walls would be banked with DVDs, books etc. Beds would never be made. Curtains never drawn.....And I would live in style next door and not have to spend my life trying to civilise the un-civilised. Perfect!

Niecie · 07/09/2009 14:45

No not unreasonable at all. I often decamp to sleep in the spare room due to snoring. And our bed has been so uncomfortable that I am quite happy to do that. I am ticking off the days until we can decently get rid of it and buy a new one - maybe it would help DH's snoring too and I might be happier to stay in it!

I have also found it a bit weird that grown ups get to share a bed even if they would be better off in separate rooms when little children are usually encouraged to stay in their own rooms and sleep on their own. They are after all, the ones who could do with the company and the comfort. I have always felt bad when my DSs have said they want to come into our bed as they are lonely and need a cuddle and we pack them back to their own beds.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 07/09/2009 15:03

vezzie ?Sharing a bed is lovely, but has nothing to do with sleeping. And I need sleep.? think you pretty much said it all.

vbusymum - mine are now 6 & 8 and will come wake me if they need me. I've been sleeping with earplugs for a few years now but don't think I started until we were past the baby monitor stage. These are the ones I use. They are very comfy. And yes, was a bit of a deadhead once upon a time in another life.

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MorrisZapp · 07/09/2009 15:13

We bought a superkingsize bed last year and it was the best money we've ever spent. We can both fidget all night without disturbing the other. In the morning, I have to stick my arm right out to see if he's got up yet or not

We stayed in a hotel recently with a double bed and it felt like bing a student again, both got a crap sleep.

I suppose ideally yes, separate bedrooms and bathrooms would be lovely.

Poledra · 07/09/2009 15:34

You're raising the stakes here now - while I've been away, this thread's gone from separate beds to separate rooms and bathrooms!!

Mind you, a bathroom of my own where the toilet's been flushed and there are no manky bath toys in the bath and nobody's washed their hands on the towel.......

Bleatblurt · 07/09/2009 15:38

I couldn't have a different bedroom to my DH as I'm afraid of the dark.

We do have seperate beds though.

TheFoosa · 07/09/2009 16:14

separate houses next door to each other, how fantastic would that be?

LifeOfKate · 07/09/2009 19:12

I can totally recommend the seperate quilt thing... this is apparently very common in scandinavia, I am assured by my norwegian friends, and has improved both our nights sleep immensely.

jazzandh · 08/09/2009 08:15

We have an air purifier in the room, for DH's allergies - but that helps too as it screens out lighter background noises, some snoring, sniffing etc. A fan would have the same effect.

Imarchietheinventor · 08/09/2009 15:09

I have recently taken to sleeping in the spare room. Husbands snoring is terrible, although he refuses to admit it. Is my problem apparently as I am such a light sleeper, would like to meet a mother who isn't!!! as we are usually the ones who listen out for and deal with children at night.

I have said to him I would like to do up the spare room as my room, currently used as a dumping ground. He is horrified that I am even considering this. Will have to tell him it is more common than he thinks

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 09/09/2009 09:45

Guess what they were just talking about on The Wright Stuff - whether sleeping in separate beds is the key to a good marriage???!!!!!!

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skybright · 09/09/2009 09:51

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=am_i_being_unreasonable&threadid=796472-To-dream-of-seperate-beds

sugermagnolia,i am with you,i think i will have to wait till at least two of my children move out though.

CyradisTheSeer · 09/09/2009 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lasvegas · 09/09/2009 15:18

I moved into the spare room about 10 months ago, it is great. DH goes to bed about 2 hours later than me, which woke me up when we shared. He snores and shuffles and keeps me awake. We did have a massive king size bed but that didn't help. We went on holiday recently and couldn't afford two bedrooms so even with ear pugs, eye shades and alcohol I slept badly.

willowstar · 09/09/2009 15:40

this thread is so reassuring! i have a major problem with sleep. I am a light sleeper and for years after I got together with OH used earplugs which worked well, then about 3 years ago developed bad tinnitus which is brought on by stress. anyway, it means I can't wear the earplugs anymore. we didn't sleep in the same room properly for a year and while I really missed the intimacy of the early morning cuddles, we did cuddle each other to sleep every night and we both slept a lot better. at the moment I am pregnant and we have moved into a house with only one functional room while we do it up. i have the king size bed and my pillow mountain while OH has a single mattress on the floor next to the bed. not ideal but we are going to make our own bedstead of a king size and single size and use separate duvets.

there is such a taboo about sleeping apart but in real life you have to sleep and if sleeping apart some or all of the time is the only way you can function then so be it.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 10/09/2009 08:08

And look what was on GMTV this morning!!!

GMTV

I make an offhand comment and suddenly the whole world is talking about it. i think maybe i have magical powers.

On a more serious note, DH doesn't find it so funny. I happened to comment that I slept better while he was away and he got extremely offended!

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