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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP thinks it is vanity that I should request a tummy tuck

98 replies

kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:23

Im 10 years post C section...and I have the stupidest pouch of skin which despite dieting and exercise has never ever gone.

I look like i have kangaroo pouch and am very concious of it. Anyway my GP referred me to a consultant who has said that he is happy to perform the tummy tuck operation (I have to lose a small amount of weight first). So some time next year fingers xssed ...DP however thinks it is a dreadful waste of money/ resources and thinks I should put up my own money and do it privately or just put up with this pouch . Despite me explaining how I feel he doesnt see that it upsets me and Im not happy with the way I look.

Now I dont know what to do

OP posts:
twirlymum · 04/09/2009 12:27

I've had two c-sections, so I have every sympathy, but I don't think I could have an operation (all ops carry risks) that wasn't medically essential. Just my opinion though, if it really bothers you then it's your decision.

rupertsabear · 04/09/2009 12:29

I would do it. I'm planning a boob job to deal with hideous post-child tits.

Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:29

This is also my second c section...and I have thought of nothing else tbh, I have considered all my options and I am completely willing to run the risks, the consultant has talked through the process spet by step, it is scarey but I think I can do it

OP posts:
Oxymoronic · 04/09/2009 12:29

If it's bothered you for 10 years it's not just on a whim is it? If your GP/consultant are alright with it and you know of the risks, it is your choice.

OTOH, it's nice that your DP thinks its vanity, he obviously loves you just the way your are

NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 12:30

Well, it is 'vanity' in so far as it is a dissatisfaction with your personal appearance. So if he wants to be technical and totally miss the point...

the thing is, you have something that makes you unhappy. It's irrelevent that perhaps it doesn't matter to him, or there are people out there who have the same or more and don't care - you care about what you see in the mirror.

And it's ok for others to say it's only a bit of a tummy, it doesn't matter, but it matters to you and it's not fair for your feelings to be dismissed.

The NHS are notoriously stingy about this type of surgery so if your gp is happy and the consultant is happy then they can both see how it's affecting you. So they don't see it as a waste of resources and it's their view that matters on that one!

One thing though - be careful that you aren't focusing on this tummy problem thinking that the removal of it will change your life. It won't. Just be sure that you aren't expecting a total transformation. Be sure that you do know what it is you are truly unhappy with. If it is your tum - it will help. If it's something else and you are focusing on your tum - then you will be disappointed.

iyswim.

HolidaysQueen · 04/09/2009 12:34

I'm afraid I do agree with your DP. It is a huge amount of money to spend on it, and as twirlymum says it is a medically unessential operation with all the risks that entails. Plus isn't there a risk that if you fix this then you'll start to notice other bits of your body that you don't like the look of and then you still won't be happy? I think maybe you need to try to focus on becoming comfortable with your body image. I know you have probably tried on and off, but could you perhaps try and do something more organised around this (e.g. counsellor or some such, I'm sure there are people who specialise in body image) - if you have the money to spend on an op then you have mroe than enough to spend on a few sessions with someone who can help change the way you see your body which is probably far more productive in the long term.

FWIW, I have a mummy tummy that I'm trying to learn to live with now too, so I know how hard it is

Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:35

Oh thankyou for your lovely post....leapforg in particular you have the point exactly.

A measure of how self concious I am about it is I cancelled a three week holiday in the sun this summer because I couldnt bear to be in a costume..how stupid is that - DP was understanding but gutted, I told him i really didnt mind him and the kids going but I couldnt face it.

I understand how ridiculaous it was of me to do this but it just becomes all consuming

OP posts:
Sn0wflake · 04/09/2009 12:36

The risks would outweigh the benefits for me.....we will all grow old and sag in the end and I think doing it with a bit of grace and acceptance is more important.

Sorry to sound preachy....I'm not really I just think that society places far too much emphasis on trying to hang onto youth whereas there is something wonderful about having been a mother....and celebrating all that means.

Anyway in the end it is about how you feel....but really research how things can go wrong....somtimes you can end up so much worse than when you started.

Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:38

HQ we dont have the money for the op, I would have to save or get a a loan, which I would do if I really had to

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2009 12:38

If it has become 'all consuming' then the problem is in your head not your gut.

SausageRocket · 04/09/2009 12:38

Sorry, but as an NHS employee (who terefore sees atrocious wastes of resources and life saving treatments refused as we cannot fund them), I agree with your DP. You should be paying for this operation privately, in an ideal world.

Your DP doesn't think that you are being vain for wanting to get rid (not as I read your OP anyway) but just feels that as an essentially cosmetic procedure it should be paid for by the pt father than the NHS

NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 12:41

That's sad. You didn't have to cancel the holiday - you could have just not worn a costume! You could have worn t-shirt and shorts, or a sarong for example. There's no requirement to wear a costume. Why did you cancel the holiday? I feel really sad that you feel so bad about it all.

SausageRocket · 04/09/2009 12:43

Although, as others say your GP and consultant feel that it is appropriate for the NHS to cover the cost.

Will you be having counselling along with the surgery to enable you to get over the 10yrs of psychological trauma of living with this 'pouch'? I find it hard to believe that removing the physical problem will undo the 10 yrs of stuff going on in your head.

HolidaysQueen · 04/09/2009 12:43

oxymoronic, I guess it depends if it is something that has bothered the OP every day, all day for 10 years and she has done concrete things to try to live with it but it still makes her completely miserable (in which case surgery may be the right move) versus it sort of coming to the fore and being the focus of upset and unhappiness perhaps when other things get her down. Because if it is the latter then the tummy is not really the problem, so surgery wouldn't help. So just saying it has been a problem for 10 years doesn't necessarily mean surgery is automatically the answer.

SausageRocket · 04/09/2009 12:43

pt rather than NHS, not pts father!

Glitterknickaz · 04/09/2009 12:46

Have you thoroughly researched this? You can get pretty horrendous scarring with this type of surgery. If you're happy for the pouch to be gone and have extensive scarring in its place then go for it.

TeamCullenAllTheWay · 04/09/2009 12:48

I also have a hideous apron after my second c-section last year. It looks almost like a comedy tummy and I HATE it. I would love to have it sorted as it bothers me on a daily basis and in some clothes I still look pregnant.
However, I would have never even thought of seeing the gp about it - I would have just assumed it would have to be done privately. I don't know how I feel about it being a wsaste of money - I guess I will just sit on the fence with this one - but wanted to say I completely understand how you feel about it

morningpaper · 04/09/2009 12:49

What grounds has the GP given for the surgery?

You've said you will need to lose weight first - is it possible that the weight loss will help?

I have a lot of excess skin but you can't see it under a swimming costume - it is just really thin and crepey so squishes down to nothing - although I can pull it six inches away from my stomach muscles and my friends always ask to see it when I'm really drunk Most of the pictures on the internet of 'before' tummy tucks really show a lot of excess fat under the skin, rather than just loose skin. So in terms of wearing a swimming costume, loose skin itself isn't really a problem imo.

Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:52

I know cancelling the holiday was stupid and seomthing I wish I hadnt felt the need to do.

HQ Im not generally an unhappy person, I have a good job and a wonderful family, but this is something that makes me incredibly self consious.

This was my last alternative following diets, exercise, various creams .

Glitter, I have trawelled through many sites showing multitudes of scars and discussed these with the consultant, most scarring is hidden along the existing C section scar apart from the extention of the scar to the hips which is within knicker line anyway so hopefully would be out of sight.

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 04/09/2009 12:54

ok, just beware of the possiblity, wouldn't want one issue to be replaced with another is my take on it

gagamama · 04/09/2009 12:54

As much as I hate to see resources 'wasted' it's not up to you to police the NHSs' budget. If you didn't have the operation, then someone else would get it - they're not suddenly going thing 'well, we've saved £15,000 (or whatever) on KP's tummy tuck, lets plough the money directly into saving premature babies/providing cancer treatment/removing brain tumours.' I don't work for the NHS, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that!

If you feel really bad about taking resources away from the NHS and potentially people who need them more, why not donate some money to charity in leiu of the costs of a private op? Just something you can afford, so that you don't feel so 'grabby'.

Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:54

I havent seen the GP's report for referral MP so Im not sure what grounds she put. We had just discussed how I felt about it.

The reason for requried weight loss ais because im not quitewithin the required BMI, am about a stone over what i need to be to get my BMI within the accpetable range

OP posts:
Original poster
kangaroopouch · 04/09/2009 12:56

gagamama...that is something that I would be very happy to do and a wonderful Idea

OP posts:
TheLemur · 04/09/2009 12:57

Pardon the pun but I think you should go with your gut feeling and go fo it.

I had ginormous rabbity front teeth and hated smiling for 34 years until a kindly dentist ground them down for me.

Get it done. Life is too short to be unhappy about something, especially something that the medical profession says can be fixed.

OrmIrian · 04/09/2009 12:59

Good luck and I think it's up to you not DH. But I can't help thinking that you need some further help than just the op if you are prepared to cancel a holiday for fear of being seen in a bikini. That is quite extreme don't you think?