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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my DH not to meet his ex-gf for coffee/lunch

47 replies

LouMacca · 03/09/2009 09:52

My DH started a new job last week. It turns out that his ex-gf (before me) works in the same building and they bumped into each other.

They had a verbally absusive relationship, she once pushed him down the stairs and the relationship ended because he saw her in her car with another man one morning when he was driving to work in the early hours.

I jokingly said - don't arrange coffee or lunch with her
He replied - why, whats the problem?
I said - it would be a problem for me. You wouldn't like it if I met up with my ex-bf.
He said it wouldn't bother him

From his reaction I can tell he has probably already arranged to meet-up so he will either.

Meet her and not tell me, or
Cancel the plans.

My DH brother bumped into her a couple of years ago and she said she knew DH and me were seeing each other behind her back! Not true. I wasn't even in the country at the time. My DH friend was at party last year and saw her and she send a jokey text on his phone to my DH with a private joke about their pet names for each other which I didn't appreciate.

Am i being unreasonable? I don't understand why he would want to meet-up with her after what he has told me about her.

OP posts:

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 03/09/2009 09:56

either you trust him or you don't. i don't think telling him he can't meet up with her will achieve anything.

Hobnobfanatic · 03/09/2009 09:59

I wouldn't be happy with it, LouMacca. YANBYU.

Bramshott · 03/09/2009 09:59

Surely if you and your DH are both adults, you don't "tell" each other what to do? Maybe she's changed, clearly he's moved on and is now married to you, what's the harm in a coffee - it would be a bit odd not to if they are working in the same place.

Clearly if they see a lot of each other, and that starts to make you uncomfortable for whatever reason, then explain to your DH how it makes you feel, but don't try to see problems before they arise.

diddl · 03/09/2009 10:01

I think you can ask him not to meet her.

But I agree, why would he want to, especially if it will hurt you?
But he´ll probably say that he married you, didn´t he?!

welshone51 · 03/09/2009 10:01

I wouldnt like it at all- it would happen over my dead body haha

MissSunny · 03/09/2009 10:03

Message withdrawn

thesecondcoming · 03/09/2009 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmama · 03/09/2009 10:06

I think if you're uncomfortable with it, then your DH ought to respect that, even if he thinks you're being a bit unreasonable. I trust my DH, but I wouldn't feel happy about him meeting and ex for a nostalgic walk down memory lane and a reminisc about the good times - I don't see the need for it. Exes are always a bit of a funny issue IMO, you know you should be all grown up about it but something just niggles. If meeting her is so important to him that he's willing to lie or upset you over it, then I don't think that's on.

MissSunny · 03/09/2009 10:07

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LouMacca · 03/09/2009 10:08

I do trust him. Although I know it looks like I don't!

DH has lots of female friends which is not a problem for me. I guess its because they had a long-term relationship together and that I don't feel great about myself at the moment that I am .

I just wouldn't even consider meeting my ex-bf even though we parted on good terms so am struggling to understand why he would want to spend time with her.

OP posts:

Mamazon · 03/09/2009 10:10

YABU. it doesn;t strike me as thye sort of relationship he will be keen to start up again. however much of a wierdo she appears to be unless you think she's likely to drug and force herself on yoru DH i can't see why you'd be upset.

I have ex partners that i still speak to. he is open about meeting with her then there is nothing to worry about.
its only ever a problem when they are coverty about it imho. people only lie if they have something to hide, and they only hide things they know they shouldn't be doing

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/09/2009 10:23

YABU, like Miss sunny said, insecurity or jealousy have no place in my relationship/s.

junglist1 · 03/09/2009 10:24

I think the fact he's arranged it already is enough to make the OP insecure. He's being disrespectful. If he was a mature adult who could be trusted he would have brought the issue up with his partner. And texting about pet names is also a slap in the face for the OP. Why should you trust someone like that

Fimbo · 03/09/2009 10:27

YANBU. I wouldn't like it if it was my dh and he wouldn't appreciate me meeting up with an ex either. Why on earth would you want to be friends with someone who was previously horrible to you.

kittywise · 03/09/2009 10:29

yabu

It is up to him who he sees.

You don't trust him that is clear. So what sort of relationship is that?

WidowWadman · 03/09/2009 10:32

YABU, but then we invited two of his and one of my exes to our wedding.

People come with a past, and ex partners are usually ex partners for a reason, so there's no reason for jealousy, if you can trust your partner.

Personally I find it great, that my partner is still in touch with his exes, who are lovely, funny ladies, who are genuinly happy for us (and in happy relationships themselves).

Original poster

LouMacca · 03/09/2009 10:33

Its not him that I don't trust - its her!

I have never had a problem with my DHs many female friends but this time I am not happy and can't help the way I feel. I am going to speak to him about it again tonight. I have read all the different opinions (it wouldn't do if we were all the same) but still feel I don't want him to see her.

Btw they are not working together. They work for different companies in the same building.

OP posts:

Fimbo · 03/09/2009 10:33

I trust my dh 100% as he does me. I would be highly miffed and jealous if he met up with an ex. Actually his ex is the manager of a local furniture store in our home town, we have been in on a couple of occasions when back there and even just seeing her in the distance (we have never got up close to her) has been enough to make me feel wobbly and dh hasn't even spoken to her.

It is not a question of trust it is your own inner turmoil.

MmeLindt · 03/09/2009 10:35

Why don't you feel good about yourself at the moment?

Is your relationship stable and good apart from this issue?

Mamazon · 03/09/2009 10:37

Its not him that I don't trust - its her!

I've never understood this.
if you trust him nit ti sleep with this woman what is it you think she is going to do?
soap the stairs so that he can slip and fall into her whilst she lays naked with legs akimbo??

Original poster

LouMacca · 03/09/2009 10:41

MmeLindt - I guess just the usual women issues - putting weight on, feeling tired, getting older, etc. but I am making the effort to exercise and heathly eat.

We have a good relationship. We have been married for 11 years and have 2 lovely children. He is a wonderful Dad and a real family man.

So why do I feel this way?? I don't know.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 03/09/2009 10:41

I think I would say that I wasn't thrilled at the idea of him meeting up with her- I don't like the idea of him being sucked into the orbit again of someone who ended up treating him very badly, and I think that where exes are concerned, it's healthier to move on and focus on your new relationships rather than returning to socialising like a dog returning to its own vomit (I like that phrase ). However, it is of course up to him. But I would also say that for heaven's sake, don't go meeting up with her without mentioning it to me, because I would see that as deceitful, and that really would damage the trust we have together...

So you've covered:
1)Guilt
2)Concern
3)Reminding him she's horrid with a delightful turn of phrase,
4)Shown you can, however,be reasonable, and
5)Hintied that his bollocks may not remain attached to his body.

That should deal with it quite thoroughly, I think

mayorquimby · 03/09/2009 10:42

exactly mamazon. i also don't get the line that gets trotted out here when a wife doesn't want to her husband to do something when she is being unreasonable that "your husband should recognise that it makes you uncomfortable and respect that and not do it" when the husband wants to do something completely reasonable.

Original poster

LouMacca · 03/09/2009 10:43

Btw his ex-gl is particularly gorgeous, slim and immaculately dressed and made-up whenever I have seen her!

OP posts:

sheepgomeep · 03/09/2009 10:44

Tricky one. Do they have children together?

It depends. Now my dp has children with his last but one ex, and I encourage dp to maintain a good relationship with her for the kids sake. They do occaisionally meet up for lunch or go for a coffee if they bump into each other. But then again his ex and I get on anyway. Mostly.

But if it was any of his other exes then no way. Absolutely not. But then one of his exes has stirred between us anyway. One wanted him back, another barged me in town last year so nope no way.

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