to tell my DH not to meet his ex-gf for coffee/lunch

[LouMacca]

My DH started a new job last week. It turns out that his ex-gf (before me) works in the same building and they bumped into each other.

They had a verbally absusive relationship, she once pushed him down the stairs and the relationship ended because he saw her in her car with another man one morning when he was driving to work in the early hours.

I jokingly said - don't arrange coffee or lunch with her
He replied - why, whats the problem?
I said - it would be a problem for me. You wouldn't like it if I met up with my ex-bf.
He said it wouldn't bother him

From his reaction I can tell he has probably already arranged to meet-up so he will either.

1. Meet her and not tell me, or
2. Cancel the plans.

My DH brother bumped into her a couple of years ago and she said she knew DH and me were seeing each other behind her back! Not true. I wasn't even in the country at the time. My DH friend was at party last year and saw her and she send a jokey text on his phone to my DH with a private joke about their pet names for each other which I didn't appreciate.

Am i being unreasonable? I don't understand why he would want to meet-up with her after what he has told me about her.

I think YABU to tell him not to, but can understand why you feel icky about it. The way I see it is it's better to send your DP off to meet her, if he's stupid enough to want to start something with her then you're better off finding out now, rather than keeping him at home so he can't do anything. I would hate it too, and some women like this think they have one over on you if they get to spend time with your DP (I do mean some - not in the way that people talk about having male friends) If you can swallow the turmoil, you look like the better more secure person for not making an issue of it - like Mamazon said, if you trust him, there's nothing she can do about it because he just won't be interested.

That has probably come out all rambly - my brain is a bit scrambled atm

BitOfFun - thank you! excellent post - made me laugh out loud.

That is very good, particularly the dog's vomit.

Do concentrate on the way she treated him and your concern that she will hurt him again.

From what you write about your relationship, I really do not think that you have anything to worry about.

Just be careful. If you make a fuss about it, you run the risk of him not telling you about meeting her for coffee.

yes indeedy.

Its like you can prevent him from doing anything you don't want because you just say he isn't respecting your feelings if he does.

you can say "i'd rather you didn't" and he should aknowledge that you feel that way but that doesn';t mean he should just bow down and act like a doormat.

could you imagine if we had a load of posts from guys saying i dont want DW to wear make up/high heels/go swimming and i think she is BU as she wont respect my feelings about this.

he'd be flamed, quite rightly so.

Thanks for replies. Off out to see my lovely friend now who has just had a baby (so obviously couldn't offload my problems on her at the mo!)

I don't think you can tell him what to do. It's up to him. But then again I don't really understand jealousy and possessiveness much. If he wants to forgive and forget, good for him.

I am not jealous or possessive in my relationship, far from it. I just feel unhappy with my DH wants to spend time with an ex-gf who he didn't have a great relationship with. Why?

If he wants to forgive and forget thats fine but he doesn't need to do it over a coffee.

YAB completely U.

Why on earth can't they meet for lunch/coffee? It doesn't mean anything is going on.

My DP is in contact with most of his ex's (inc those where the relationship ended badly). they are a part of his past and his life and you have to accept that.

I think you sound a bit possessive, tbh

bran - when you say the your DP has contact with ex partners how often is the contact? Christmas cards, etc. or regularly meeting for lunch?

I just don't want a situation where my DH is meeting up with his ex-gf on a weekly basis for coffee/lunch. I know that is thinking way ahead but as they are now working in the same building and as DH doesn't know many people there it is realistic that this may happen.

Honestly I am not possessive I just feel uncomfortable about this 'blast from the past' (as he put it)

YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn't do it.

However, you thinking that she is 'particularly gorgeous, slim and immaculately dressed and made-up' is obviously clouding the issue. It sounds like a lack of confidence on your part.

loumacca
YANBU If it makes you feel uncomfotable then your husband should respect that, and as they had a bad realationship anyway whats the need to go for coffee?..

I dont think it sounds like your possessive by telling him your not happy with it at all.

I cant say id be over the moon tbh either.

I don't get this "telling" your DH what to do business.

Either you trust him or you don't.

If you do, then there is no problem with his meeting her as a colleague/friend.

If you don't, then you have bigger problems than this one, which won't be solved by a ban on meeting ex-gfs.

Brilliant post Mamazon about the good old 'I do trust my DH, it's HER I don't trust' - as if somehow untrustworthy women can have sex with our menfolk when the menfolk are saying no and running away.

Oh please.

Do you trust him, that's the only question you need to ask.

Perhaps he wants to banish his bad memories of that time by getting to know her again? Maybe he feels a bit sorry for her? Who knows. But surely his reasons are his reasons - unless you have some suspicions that make you feel jealous I don't see that it matters. Have you asked him why?

Hi sunnygirl- I just wouldnt like it at all! I would want to know why they are meeting particulary if they havent seen each other in years and had an abusive relationship.
Maybe its me but I think you should let sleeping dogs lie ( excuse the pun) and maybe I am a jealous old cow too!

i dont think you should mention it to your dh again.

you have already voiced your opinion it makes you uncomfortable.

let him be a grown adult and make his own decision.

if you trust him as you say then he will come up good and either tell you honestly or not go. it should be his choice.

not yours.

you will respect him all the more if you leave him to decide himself.

i dont think YABU to voice your concerns as you have done.

But YABU to tell him he cant go.

personally this would make me uncomfortable.

by meeting he's putting himself in a situation that could have bad consequences if this slightly dehinged person decides to try and win his affection back.

truth is..... it happens. there are women and men who do this..... and similarly many women and men who have fallen the attention of a rekinled friendship then the boundaries blur.

i understand you wanting to nip it in the bud before it goes anywhere at all.

i dont think you are a jealous person as you are more than happy for him to go out with female friends and other exes. just this particular one who sends up your warning hackles.

but you have to let him make the choice himself.

I would not be happy about it either, talk to him and tell him you don't feel comfortable with the situation. If he has any respect for your feelings he won't go. YANBU but you can't TELL him not to go.

Ignoring all the trust issues, and from a purely practical point of view, I think it's better that you let DH meet up with his ex from time to time.

Inevitably he will be bumping into this woman at work, and normalising the experience gives you the following advantages;

a) you can ask about their meetings / how she's getting on etc in a friendly way that will keep you informed and hopefully convey to DH that you trust him

b) you won't be worrying about DH lying to you

c)it's a shock at the moment that this woman has surfaced, but you (and he) will inevitably get used to the idea of her being around, and giving the meetings your blessing will nip in the bud any frissons of excitement from "illict" encounters

Hope that you work it out for the best

You know, I am usually in the "hey come on, why dont you trust him, having an ex as a friend can be enriching " camp. But, reading this thread has made me reconsider a little.

It really depends on

a) the personality of the expartner
b) the relationship they had.

My dh has one ex which has gone from being HIS friend to OUR friend over the years. She got married, she had a son, she got divorced, she spent the last 2 weeks on holiday at our house with her son. No issues.

My dh has another ex which I at some point asked him not to see/meet up with. Not only was her beauty well known (hence my being insecure) but she was also a bit of a stalking biatch worming her way in with his mum even AFTER he had started seeing me and they were long finnished.

So, only you know if their history is such that she is best avoided. He should not nurture a friendship with her if it makes you uncomfortable. However, I dont think you can stop him from that one coffee. It might be deemed rude of him to refuse. Anyway, a breezy "lets have coffee one day" may not ever really turn into anything.

I didn't get from OP that the DH was being asked to go for coffee. OP said 'don't go for coffee' and DH said 'why not'.

So it is just as likely that OPs DH will be doing the asking.

Nothing in OP suggests that the ex is trying anything on at all.

yanbu, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then your dh should respect that, my dh met his ex in town recently , she asked how he was & he pulled out his wallet & showed her pictures of me & our dc's , she just said oh how lovely in a sarcastic tone & his reply was " yes i know" & he said goodbye , she was a right using cow .
i think you should try trust your dh & hopefully he will not run into his ex too often .

Thanks for all the replies and all the differing opinions.

DH came home from work about an hour ago and I've said nothing so far. He has just taken DD out to get some new trainers for her Rainbows trip on Saturday so I thought I would pop back on while he is out.

The problem is not that he is meeting another woman for coffee, it's that the woman is her. My instincts are telling me that she can only be bad news so I hope he takes my feelings into consideration. I know that she has always disliked me (DH and I have been friends since we were 15) and I know she will get a real kick out of meeting up with him on a one-to-one basis.

I can't do anymore than make my feelings known so we shall see what happens and what the next few days brings up.

I know that my 'problem' seems petty with some of the things happening here recently so thanks everyone for your input. I think that Fimbo has summed it up perfectly - It is not a question of trust it is your own inner turmoil.