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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell other mums about our neighbour

43 replies

mariemarie · 02/09/2009 14:52

Situation is this - Last year the man who lives 3 doors away had his house raided by police and computers seized. It was later in the local news that he was convicted of downloading and using child porn on the internet and also of having pictures of child porn in the house. The police spoke to immediate neighbours and confirmed that non of the pictures involved any children in our road.

Anyway, he got a suspended jail sentence and lost his job as a teacher. His wife is also a teacher and is standing by him.

My neighbour is having a party this weekend for her daughters birthday and they are having a disco in the garden. I know for a fact that her garden is visible from this mans upstairs window as he lives immediately next door to her.

This girls mum has NOT mentioned any of this to any of the parents whose children she has invited. And it is the kind of party whereby you drop your children off and collect later.

FWIW I am going to let my children go to the party because I genuinley beleive they will come to no harm. However, do you think this mother has a duty to inform other parents.

I am quite friendly with some of the mums and have even wondered if I should say something but DH says I should keep out. There is no point in suggesting to the mum that she informs any of the other mums because she obviously has no problem with it seeing as she has recently given his wife a key to their house so that she can come in and feed the cats while they are on holiday.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 02/09/2009 14:53

I wouldn't say anything

GooseyLoosey · 02/09/2009 14:55

I am not sure where there could be any danger to children here and I for one could not lead a witch hunt. So no, I would not consider it unreasonable not to say anything - with the big proviso that this only applies where there is no danger to a child.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/09/2009 14:56

I also would say nothing.

pjmama · 02/09/2009 14:57

I agree, say nothing. What good will it do? The kids aren't going to come to any harm and if you say anything, you may well ruin this girl's birthday party.

WidowWadman · 02/09/2009 14:58

I can't see why there is a need for other parents to be informed. If he was seen as a risk to the community he would not be living freely in his home and you don't seem to be worried for your child's safety either.

Would you want to be responsible for a pitchfork mob forming outside his house?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2009 14:58

Keep out of it. The fact that he might be able to see DC from his window does not mean he is going to leap through the window and attack; the fact that he recieved a suspended sentence suggests strongly that a court does not see him as a major risk to children. (this is not to say that it's OK to view images of actual child abuse, but there is a difference between viewing images and assualting individuals, the one doesn;t necessarily lead to the other).
However, spreading the word about this man is more likely to have negative effects than positive ones (violence, if any one who hears it happens to be particularly stupid and aggressive or the ostracising of the birthday child for reasons she won't understand).

generalunrest · 02/09/2009 15:04

I agree with the others, however disgusting you find this blokes crimes, it's not for you to spoil the little girls party. The children aren't going to be left with this man, and you can't stop someone looking out of their window or control what they're thinking if they did.

I can see why it's bothering you, as you're thinking that it's up to the individual parents to make an informed choice about whether they send their children. But you're sending yours, so you must think the risk is non existant, I wouldn't feel guilty or responsible about it.

BradfordMum · 02/09/2009 15:04

As a mum, I woud want to be told, and then it's up to me what I do with the information.
I personally would be annoyed if I found this out later and no-one had told me.

But this is JMO.

Sally x

MaggieLeo · 02/09/2009 15:19

Imagine if a friend of yours let you go to a party where there was a small risk.

I think I'd know then that that person was just an acquaintance, somebody I was friendLY with. Not an actual friend.

I'd expect a friend to put me at the picture. But then, my friends know I'm not the type to lob a rock through somebody's window. I'd keep the info to myself, unless I felt I needed to share it. I wouldn't gossip for the sake of it.

BUT.... yes I agreed with BradfordMum, a friend would tell you, a mere acquaintance might not, so I guess it depends on your relationship with the other mums.

pinkthechaffinch · 02/09/2009 17:52

I wouldn't say anything.

ihatethecold · 02/09/2009 18:26

this person was given a suspended sentence because he was guilty of a horrendous crime. the children in the images are victims. just because he wasn't convicted of assaulting a child does not mean he wouldn't do it, these people are not reformed because they got caught.
i would be livid if my children went to a party and the parents knew this person could be watching, taking pictures..

hatesponge · 02/09/2009 18:30

If he was going to be at the party, then yes of course I would say something (and probably wouldn't let my DC attend)

As it is, I wouldnt say anything about the fact he will be able to see into the garden. As has been said, he did only receive a suspended sentence.

Pikelit · 02/09/2009 18:33

Was he convicted of taking pictures from upstairs windows? If not then I can't see how a witch hunt will do more than make him go underground. Right now he is far less of a danger in the community given his conviction and the fact that he's on the sex register. The peelers will almost certainly have left him in no doubt that they intend keeping a close eye.

NoahFence · 02/09/2009 18:34

I wouldnt say anything - its important to keep tabs on offenders not hound them out of accomodation.

A suspended sentence is NO Light sentence though - he will be under strict probation supervision on a long rehab order and the slightest breach activates the suspended part of his sentence and he goes to prison without hsi feet touching the ground.

You want Pan on this - he knwos the most.

NoahFence · 02/09/2009 18:36

By the way how do you know?
You might want to ring probation and have a civilised word about your concerns.

NoahFence · 02/09/2009 18:36

his offence wasnt TAKINg picture though was it?

CantThinkofFunnyName · 02/09/2009 18:39

I have a convicted paedeophile who lives next door to me, overlooks my back garden and he is living with his elderly mother. The court saw this arrangement as a "safe house" when he was released from Wormwood Scrubs for his crime against a 3yr old girl. My daughter was 3 at the time he was released. My husband and I had a further 4 children between us. The police did not see the need to inform us.

I therefore pass my judgement with an element of "intelligence" in this matter.

I would NOT say anything to the other mums about the party you refer to. There is a saying "better the devil you know" and the mother holding the party will be well aware of the situation and clearly will have the children under her care. Children playing in the garden would not typically be of great interest to the chap and he could watch or take photos of children in a park just as easily where nobody would know of his history and thus he be a greater danger. As other posters have indicated, it would spoil the little girls birthday party and we do have to allow life to go in sometimes, but just be watchful.

Acanthus · 02/09/2009 18:42

Yuu should say nothing - if you are prepared to allow your own child to go then you obviously feel there is no risk to the children

chegirl · 02/09/2009 18:45

No he wasnt taking the pictures but he DID buy photos of children (real children) having terrible things done to them. This man has a liking for child porn. He is a sex offender.

Children who have been forever damaged. I really dont see there is much seperating the photograph taker and the photographer buyer.

I dont agree with hysterical peado hunting. I think the tabloid name and shame campaign probably did more harm than good.

In this case this man will have no access to children? Its not a nice thought that he could be wanking off behind a curtain but that could happen anywhere really. I dont think there is much to be gained from telling people whose children are going to be at a party for a few hours.

bigstripeytiger · 02/09/2009 18:53

I would not say anything. Leave it to criminal justice organisations to decide who should be informed.

hester · 02/09/2009 18:56

Ii wouldn't say anything.

Jujubean77 · 02/09/2009 19:02

"If he was seen as a risk to the community he would not be living freely in his home "

how do you figure this?

chegirl · 02/09/2009 19:10

Quite .

Milliways · 02/09/2009 19:11

In a previous life/job I saw an application for funding to open/extend a home for released sex-offenders.

Part of the application was the local "competition". I was horrified by how many normal homes on average streets housed such people - many of whom were NOT allowed to leave these houses unaccompanied, fully trained staff on hand etc. In MY neighbourhood.

Then I realised that I had lived happily for years without this knowledge and could so continue. Just, as previously said, a little more watchfully.

I would say nothing.

sherby · 02/09/2009 19:14

I wouldn't say anything tbh

If it is not widely known in the area I would not want to be the one to start the pitchfork brigade.

However I would speak to the mum about it and make sure she knew she was living next to a convicted paedophile

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