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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban this child from my house?

57 replies

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 08:13

I have a dd (5) and ds(6). Very wealthy (biggest house in area) next door neighbour has a child "X" who is just about to turn 6.

Dcs go to local school. X goes to posh school. X does not play with local children but some of his older siblings do. Put as politely as I can, generally, there is a perception that our neighbours confuse wealth with status.

Anyway, at the weekend, ds asks X if he would like to come and play. X looks up and says "nah". Fair enough. 20 minutes later, X saunters in our garden to display his talents with his new toy. Does not address one word to the dcs except "look at me", repeatedly shouts at me to stop what I am doing and watch and then leaves as soon as he has finished without another word. Dh and I were pretty taken aback by the whole thing.

AIBU to say that the dcs can never invite this child again around again or is this normal behaviour which I should just accept? (There are one or 2 other incidents which may have prejudiced me).

OP posts:
AllThreeWays · 01/09/2009 08:17

Poor kid, that does sound odd, but he is only 5, maybe you could be a force for good?

MrsVik · 01/09/2009 08:19

Going on what's been written here, it seems like this child is maybe quite lonely. Maybe he has problems connecting with other kids? His refusal to play, and then his slightly odd behaviour, and then leaving - I don't know, it just sounds like he doesn't know how to make friends although he'd like some.

I obviously don't know the whole story though, so I'm not going to judge you on the BU/NBU thing!

differentID · 01/09/2009 08:20

he sounds as though he's desperate for attention poor kiddie.

pjmama · 01/09/2009 08:20

Do you have much contact with child X to know what his temperament is like? He could just be a bit shy and having realised he'd got no-one to play with wasn't sure how to change his mind and get invited back? Hence the rather odd attempt to get your attention? He's only 5 and still learning how to relate. I'd leave it up to your kids to decide if they want to play with him, they'll sort themselves out one way or another.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 08:24

Gosh - you lot are more understanding than me.

I don't think he is lonely. He has 3 siblings and they play together a lot. He had a party yesterday and could hear him shouting with glee.

I think my problem is that his attitudes very much seem to reflect those of his parents and whilst this may not be his fault I do not find it very endearing.

OP posts:
claw3 · 01/09/2009 08:28

Im assuming you dont know if child X has a disorder of any kind?

AllThreeWays · 01/09/2009 08:32

I guess one issue could be that you are teaching your children to judge people and reject them, as much as this child might have been taught a snobby attitude. It will all depend on whether the child can play nicely and accept your authority in your home, not whether they are odd. Kids need to learn tolerance, but of course not be exposed to bad, dangerous or disrespectful behaviour/influences

MrsVik · 01/09/2009 08:33

In that case, GooseyLoosey, the best thing for the child may be to play with 'normal', down-to-earth kids. I wouldn't ban him from the house based on his behaviour.

By normal I don't mean in the way of not having a disorder etc - I just saw what claw3 posted and thought my post might be misconstrued! Just 'normal' as in not in the highly privileged financial situation he seems to be in.

ReneRusso · 01/09/2009 08:33

YABU. Child sounds like a bit of a misfit who struggles to make friends. Give him a break. And why tell the bit about the posh school - is that relevant?

BitOfFun · 01/09/2009 08:35

How does he manage to "saunter" into your garden without n invitation? You might need better security in such posh area.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 08:55

Its easy to saunter into my garden. Its a bit hard to explain lay-out but it would be hard to stop it. Not a posh area. A village so huge mix of people in very small area.

I don't know X well but as far as I can see, he has no social problems at all. As I say, when I could hear party and other play noises over the wall, X seemed to be playing quite happily and interacting with his peers.

The bit about the posh school is relevant. It is why he and my children do not know each other well and why he is more confident than them and why they have no common friends. I think it is also why his parents are not keen on the children playing together and I think X is aware of this.

As I said, I fear I may be biased here because of his parents but I don't think so. As I saw the incident, it was a supremely confident child showing off without any regard for the children who were watching. He is absolutely not shy or quiet.

OP posts:
Jujubean77 · 01/09/2009 08:58

I feel sorry for the lad from what you say. It sounds like a failed attempt to make some friends. Read between the lines, give him a chance. He is only young!

Countingthegreyhairs · 01/09/2009 08:59

His behaviour certainly sounds impolite but he is only 5 - a bit young for a restraining order

If some of his older siblings play with the local children then there is obviously hope! I agree with AllThreeWays that you could try and influence him in the right direction.

It sounds as if, after a bit more reflection, he wanted to accept the invitation to play after all but he didn't have the social skills to make that clear. I think I would have tried to take more control of the situation and say "I'm glad you've changed your mind, what toy do you have there, what are you and ds going to do now" sort of thing?

If you didn't react then he may have felt he wasn't welcome and so felt embarrassed and that's why he left so abruptly. Maybe??

dilemma456 · 01/09/2009 09:01

Message withdrawn

esselle · 01/09/2009 09:03

Well it is your house and you can have whoever you want there.

Don't go out of your way to encourage him to visit if you don't want him there. I probably wouldn't either.

mrsruffallo · 01/09/2009 09:03

I think that if you intensely dislike the parents and the child reminds you of them then ban him- he'll only annoy you and you obliged to have him round

allaboutme · 01/09/2009 09:04

sounds exactly like my ds who is4 and probably has aspergers.
he finds it really hard to know how to make friends. breaks my heart sometimeswhen the other kids ignore his efforts

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:05

I did react. I greeted him and asked him questions about his toy and was enthusiastic about his demonstration! He was quite happy to talk at length about it and about what he could do with it.

Am I really the only one who sees his behaviour as downright rude? He will be 6 in a few days and I think that that is old enough to have acquired at least basic social skills.

Ds has some social issues so I am fairly sensitive to children who find interaction difficult and try and support them. As far as I could see, X was not one of them.

OP posts:
claw3 · 01/09/2009 09:05

Disorder or not i would say 'sauntering into a garden uninvited, not speaking to anyone, then walking out again' is a bit of social problem!

Children with social disorders can appear to be quite rude and behave inappropriately.

Anyway disorder or not, its your house, if you dont like him or his behaviour, dont let him in.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:06

allaboutme, ds may have aspergers and I know exactly what you mean. X is absoutely not this kind of child!!

OP posts:
tatt · 01/09/2009 09:07

seems U to me. I might have gone out and told the child that shouting was not acceptable or I might just have ignored them. Might tell my children it wasn't a nice way to behave and look into some sort of fencing. However the child is only 6 and will never learn any better unless he sees different behaviour. Wouldn't make an effort to invite him around but wouldn't go out of my way to prevent it.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/09/2009 09:09

I would not 'ban' this child from my house - strange behavious imo that I have not experienced myself, but not a ban-worthy crime.
One of my BFs boys I would like to ban, as he barges past me at the door into my house, proceeds straight upstairs to trash the place and never listens to a word i say. He teases the dogs and gets every toy out, chucking them all over the room but plays with none of them and thinks its okay to mash food into my carpet.

Now him - I would deffo ban....

TotalChaos · 01/09/2009 09:09

yabu. child sounds gauche rather than dangerous or destructive.

KingRolo · 01/09/2009 09:10

The child's behaviour was odd, yes. But why feel the need to make such a drastic decision as to ban your kids from ever inviting him round again? Seems a bit over the top to me. What sort of message is it sending your kids?

katiestar · 01/09/2009 09:11

I think perhaps YABU in expecting a 5 yr old boy to necesssarily have well developed social skills.
However I have found that kids at private schools often are pretty arrogant.

( OT but have noticed that almost invariably posters describe somebody else's 'wayward' child as being ' almost ' an age ,rather than the actual age they are.)

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