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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ban this child from my house?

57 replies

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 08:13

I have a dd (5) and ds(6). Very wealthy (biggest house in area) next door neighbour has a child "X" who is just about to turn 6.

Dcs go to local school. X goes to posh school. X does not play with local children but some of his older siblings do. Put as politely as I can, generally, there is a perception that our neighbours confuse wealth with status.

Anyway, at the weekend, ds asks X if he would like to come and play. X looks up and says "nah". Fair enough. 20 minutes later, X saunters in our garden to display his talents with his new toy. Does not address one word to the dcs except "look at me", repeatedly shouts at me to stop what I am doing and watch and then leaves as soon as he has finished without another word. Dh and I were pretty taken aback by the whole thing.

AIBU to say that the dcs can never invite this child again around again or is this normal behaviour which I should just accept? (There are one or 2 other incidents which may have prejudiced me).

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CyradisTheSeer · 01/09/2009 09:13

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Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:18

Lady - I see what you mean .

By ban - what I meant was that ds would always ask if he can invite someone over. I always say "you can invite anyone you want as long as you check its OK first". Now I am thinking of modifying it to say "Mmmm, remember what happened last time you invited X?". I know that this will result in ds not asking him.

I have to say, ds was pretty hurt when having asked X over his initial response whas "nah". Ds is not good socially and is hurt by rejection (although I would have understood if X had not wanted to play with ds because of this). He was then totally bewildered when X came around and pretty much ignored him in favour of showing off! I suggested games he might play with X but he said X had no interest in playing with him.

I would reiterate, X is not a quiet shy child. Ds and dd often would like to go around and play with X as they can hear him and his siblings and others having fun.

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Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:18

CyradisTheSeer - that's exactly how I saw it!

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claw3 · 01/09/2009 09:22

So he didnt just walk in, say nothing, then walk out again!

You said he was having a party and he had a new toy, was it his birthday?

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:24

The party and the coming around were both at the weekend, but not on the same day. Would never have let the dcs invite a child around if they were having a party!

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Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:26

Didn't mean to suggest he said nothing. He talked animatedly about his toy and what he could do with it and answered the questions I asked about it. Nothing more.

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claw3 · 01/09/2009 09:29

Sorry i should have been clearer, i wasnt suggesting that you invited him over during a party.

Was just thinking that it may have been his birthday, hence the party and the new toy and hence why he was so eager to 'show off' his new toy and not share. Most 5 year olds get very excited about birthday toys, perhaps he would not normally behave like this?

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 01/09/2009 09:34

I would not invite him in again, he is clearly a product of his parents need to be seen.
Best avoid the whole lot

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 09:52

KIMI - that's exactly how I felt, but from reading everyone else's posts, perhaps I am being a bit too harsh on the child.

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clop · 01/09/2009 09:53

Ah, not best choice of words in Thread title. You want to discourage the friendship (which is your perogative), not ban it outright. What will you do if your DC is invited to X's house? I think you are expecting too much of the social skills of a 6yo, by the way, they don't really think about the feelings of others in the subtle ways you seem to require.

DS got banned (for a while) from someone's house for kicking other child in the head. That's a banning offense, imho. Mind DS was quite provoked at the time, rough play on both sides. And I was happy about the ban because I was finding the other child a handful, too, when he came around to ours.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/09/2009 10:00

snort.
You sound a bit "snobbish" or is that "judgemental" about this other family.

ds1 got temporarily banned from his friends house, garden, trampoline, as he sat on his chest and hit him in the face till his friends nose bled. (His friend had kicked ds2 who is 4 in the face, albeit by accident)

Ok... I know how this seems, we sound really rrough but honestly we are very nice.

THAT however was an offense worth banning a child over, not sauntering into the garden and behaving a little show off-ish, possibly with a new birthday present which he just got earlier.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 10:00

Perhaps ban was a bit strong, but I will actively discourage ds from inviting X again.

What happens if X invites ds and dd? I have been thinking about this. It very rarely happens and usually is at the instigation of X's 8 year old sister who thinks dd is cute. The last time they were invited around, they had all gone off into the "grounds" of X's house. X and siblings were called in and just left the dcs there and they could not find their way out. I heard dd crying and went to find them. On that basis, even before this I was minded to say that the dcs could not play there again as X's parents could clearly not give a stuff about my kids and could not therefore be said to be looking after them properly. I sound a bit bitter there don't I.

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Tortington · 01/09/2009 10:01

sometimes you can take a dislike to a child. i think this needs to be said. everyone else her is v. understanding i agree.

i lived in a HA house in a mixed area where my neighbours had bought their HA house. They thought themselves better - so their children did.

they could come in if they wanted to becuase i found the whole thing super funny - as next door neighbours knew shit all about us, our job status, our income and the whole thing was super ridic.

overly loud exlamations whilst i was in the garden and her son was playing with mine and her son said damn "Callum! where did you hear that word? its not something we would say"

i would just PMSL

if the posh kid doesn't want to play - then your kids will soon not ask him

leave his parents to their snobbery and give him a fruit shoot when he turns up

QuintessentialShadows · 01/09/2009 10:03

My sons other friend took soil and flowers from a flower pot, bunged it on my sons head while he uttered "So let me bury you then" as my son had sat down and said "blimey, I might as well be dead".

I think you expect a lot from such young children.

Mine is 7 1/2, and I hope it will improve soon.

(can you tell I am knackerd from boys silly antics)

QuintessentialShadows · 01/09/2009 10:04

... and my sons friend called my son "you fucking homo" and they are only 7.

I despair.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 10:05

Quint - I am judgemental about his parents. There are a number of reasons for this which are irrelevant to this thread. I am not judgemental about the child and had no particular feelings about him prior to this weekend.

I do not think that being judgemental is the great crime it is often portrayed as on MN. I do not convey my views to the dcs or to their children or to anyone else infact other than dh. We all have views about other people which influence the way we feel and act and it is grossly disingenuous to claim otherwise.

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QuintessentialShadows · 01/09/2009 10:07

Goosey, granted. Banning is different from "not actively encouraging" if you see what I mean.

I am desperately "not actively encouraging" some of my sons friendships, as you can imagine from below.....

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 10:12

I agree that I probably do expect too much from small children. Somehow though I am more relaxed when they are running around shouting "I'm going to kill you, I'm going to chop your arms off" than when they are just ignoring my dcs.

Custy - I was wondering about playing Billy Bragg working class hero style songs loudly over the garden wall and perhaps teaching X some northern dialect words (we live in the south, but I am from the north west).

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colditz · 01/09/2009 10:16

Don't be silly, he's only 5.

He's been a bit odd - it's up to you, as the present adult, to correct that.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 10:18

Colditz - I didn't really have time! He came, he showed off, he left.

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colditz · 01/09/2009 10:19

Oh dear....

give him another chance. Some 5 year olds are only 18 months out of nappies.

DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 10:51

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DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 10:53

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Glitterknickaz · 01/09/2009 10:57

it honestly sounds like something my boys would do.... they're autistic

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 01/09/2009 11:01

Dandy - X had been asked 20 minutes earlier to play by ds and turned him down. It appeared as though he had decided to take up the offer just because he had something to show us.

My children are far from perfect. As I said, ds has issues and I struggle to deal with them. To the extent that his friends have issues, I deal with them too as it is for the sake of ds. A child who shows off and then plays with the dcs is welcome. A child who shows off and has no interest in the dcs is not.

Ds felt hurt by the whole episode - being rejected and then being ignored.

Finally, because of the lay-out of our garden in relation to his house, it really is not possible to stop him wandering in unless I expressly tell him not to. I had not previously thought that it was necessary.

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