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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like a cash cow

61 replies

fandango75 · 30/08/2009 12:37

i have a good high level job earning good money and i am very appreciative of this - it hasn't come without hard slog. I am returning to work 4 days per week in october but feel a bit resentful...some of my friends had low paid jobs and as a consequence are not going back yet i feel like i am marching off back to work to bring in even more money. My husband also earns good money but as i am going back 4 days i have taken 20% pay cut now bringing me to earn same as hubby. Suppose i feel pissed off as if i didnt earn so much we wouldn't afford childcare and i would get to stay at home with my boy. aware a lot of you will think i am being a madam ... i am beginning to feel resentful, is that awful??

OP posts:
pjmama · 30/08/2009 12:39

It's entirely up to you whether or not to go back to work, no-one is forcing you. If it means so much to you then why not change your lifestyle to suit the reduced income? I gave up 35k a year to stay at home with my kids and now buy my clothes in the supermarket with the groceries! Its worth it tho

LadyStealthPolarBear · 30/08/2009 12:40

well it sounds as though you don't like your job at all!
How old will your DS be when you go back?

snackattack · 30/08/2009 12:40

Who are you pissed off with? Lots of people go back to work because they have no choice at all because their earnings don't cover the cost of childcare. Are you angry because you CAN afford childcare and therefore have to go back?? Sorry, probably being thick here...

diddl · 30/08/2009 12:46

Can you afford not to work?

Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 12:46

hi snackattack yes i think thats my problem - dont really know who i am annoyed with. My job is ok quite stressful worried about how i'll cope being so tired all the time plus my husband is away alot. my DS will be 9 months. think i just have fear and am nervous - being an old bat bet i sound like a spoilt brat sorry not my intention

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Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 12:48

we could but we have 2 bed (very nice flat in very nice location) and need 3 beds and both incomes facilitate us buying 3 bed in very nice area (sound awful am aware) want the world on a stick dont i crap crap crap

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Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 12:49

ps - our intention is to have DC2 get paid well on mat leave then i will do my own thing ALL BEEN PLANNED GUESS IT JUST ooops nerves

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snackattack · 30/08/2009 13:02

fandango - it's perfectly natural to feel stressed about this. I don't think you are being an old bat at all! However, things will be better when you do actually start back - I think it's nerves mixed with sadness (?) at having to go back, with a little bit of motherly guilt all thrown in!! Could be wrong, but I felt EXACTLY the same when I went back to work after my first dc. It did get better, however, and i did finally leave work when I had my second becaue the figures really didn't add up then.

violethill · 30/08/2009 13:04

You're resentful of your friends who earn crap money in low status jobs?!

Sorry, I don't follow your reasoning!

You have CHOICE, which is the most valuable thing of all.

Sounds like it could all be going back to work nerves. Probably once you're back you'll be fine!

moomaa · 30/08/2009 13:06

Your life, your decisions, you have to decide what is important and then decide how to achieve it.

FWIW I don't actually think you are being unreasonable. I understand your resentment. I know several women that are in the position of 'having' to go back to work because they earn a LOT more then their DH. It seems they are a vicitim of their own success and this takes away choices lots of other women have.

Only other thing to say is that I think 'very nice areas' to live are over rated. You often get beeter facilities and nicer communities in 'less nice' areas.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 30/08/2009 13:06

could you not extend the leave to 1 year then go back?

Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 13:08

yes think you're right snackattack and violethill just nerves, sadness, guilt (when i picture his little face in nursery making me well up as i write) alas I know all of this is normal and i am grateful for everything we have worked for - i do have choice - well put. Thanks

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claw3 · 30/08/2009 13:18

Sounds like your resentment is coming from having to leave little un.

What DMshouldberivened said, could you not leave it a year?

Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 13:18

mooma thats exactly how i feel.

I will have had 10 months and wanted to go back in oct not jan as oct is quiet in my line of work plus with holiday acrued i will only actually be working 6 weeks up until xmas - wanted to ease myself back in. plus its 4 days started 9.30am and i live walking distance to work (live centrally so am super lucky)so not really that bad just whinging

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papoose · 30/08/2009 18:03

Fandango I am in exactly the same situation! I am going back to work in Oct, 4 days per week. We live in a 2 bed at the moment but are in the process of busying a 3 bed in a nice area with good schools. Because I earn a decent wage, my partner, who works for himself, will be scaling downhis business to do most of the childcare.

I am very very happy that our DD will be with him, so I don't need to worry about her. But I am also jealous that my partner, being the lower earner, has the pleasure of looking after her when I will have to go out to work 4 days a week. If I earnt less, it would be the other way round!!

Of course, the choice is ours though. We could stay in our 2-bed and I could give up work, but we have aspirations and it is the best thing for our little family to have me working hard for another year or two, then having baby number 2, having good maternity leave and then possibly going back 2 days per week, or not at all.

Difficult though, I do feel for you.

tribpot · 30/08/2009 18:07

I think you can only suck it and see. If it isn't right for you, you will have to weigh up the options and decide what is. I had to go back to work as my dh is too ill to work - not to make you feel guilty, every family is different!

In a Xenia moment, if your earning power exceeds your dh, why doesn't he stay at home? Or you share between you?

Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 20:10

hi ladies now i go back 4 days my DH and i earn the same not me earning more - both very good salaries and after baby no 2 i will stop working in a big corporate and be freelance alas sometimes i just think 'oh bollocks' naughty really. Aspirations.... all for a good cause - our DS. My DH used to aern a lot more than me but he wopks for a big bank (dont shoot me) and they have had pay freezes (contrary to what the media says) and so in the past couple of years my salary flew past his. was a weird feeling actually - am happy now we both earn the same!!!! Have had a owrd with myself and am incredibly lucky no more moaning (for now

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Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 20:13

i am going to celebrate by eating a snickers

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UndomesticatedGoddess · 30/08/2009 20:28

What you're feeling is quite normal. I'm the higher earner and therefore had to work more than DH (it makes more sense financially).

I was quite resentful with DS1 and it took me a while to come to terms with having to work. I'd been brought up with the strange combination of v traditional roles at home but had it instilled in me that girls could do anything they wanted.

One poster said you were lucky you had the choice. Sometimes having the choice is harder.

You'll be fine once you get back to work. As long as you are working as a team with your DH then you have no reason to feel like a cash cow ( something I accused DH of seeing me as in one of my least fine moments).

BonsoirAnna · 30/08/2009 20:30

I completely understand where the OP is coming from

SarfEasticated · 30/08/2009 21:06

Yes, feeling your pain, it's not nice having to leave your LO for the first time. I dreaded it, but come the dreaded day she had a great time at nursery and I had a great time at work. win win. It doesn't matter what you earn or where you live, it sucks leaving your gorgeous baby. Hope it all goes well

scottishmummy · 30/08/2009 21:26

you are fortunate to have achieved good career and to have choices.we all trade house/things we want for salary .having a baby doesnt alter that.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 30/08/2009 21:41

I was in a similar situation, apart from DH earned quite a bit less than me.

When it came to it I chose a much lower paid job nearer to home for less hours, my original job wouldn't accomodate the hours I wanted.

The most important thing for me was to realise that the job I had wasn't the only job in the world, there were other jobs, other industries, other opportunities. I saw it as a good time to explore other ideas about my career. Look around, have a good think, you have potential options and choices and now might be a good time to see what's on offer.

I am very happy with my choice BTW

Original poster
fandango75 · 30/08/2009 22:24

indeed - see i am v lucky that my company agreed all my terms and hours and days and even created a bespoke role for me based on my requests - really cannot complain plus mat benefits good so will stay there for dc2 then will do freelance - new role onlyserves to increase my experience, its perfect for future work so really perfect - plus cna walk both to office and nursery from home - couldnt ask for better - if it i hadn't got my terms i wouldn't have gone back i know only too well there are always other jobs

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scottishmummy · 30/08/2009 22:27

given what you describe.what are you beefing about?