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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel like a cash cow

61 replies

fandango75 · 30/08/2009 12:37

i have a good high level job earning good money and i am very appreciative of this - it hasn't come without hard slog. I am returning to work 4 days per week in october but feel a bit resentful...some of my friends had low paid jobs and as a consequence are not going back yet i feel like i am marching off back to work to bring in even more money. My husband also earns good money but as i am going back 4 days i have taken 20% pay cut now bringing me to earn same as hubby. Suppose i feel pissed off as if i didnt earn so much we wouldn't afford childcare and i would get to stay at home with my boy. aware a lot of you will think i am being a madam ... i am beginning to feel resentful, is that awful??

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/08/2009 22:27

given what you describe.what are you beefing about?

BonsoirAnna · 31/08/2009 09:24

SM - it's pretty clear in the OP!

sunnydelight · 31/08/2009 09:37

I think there are huge issues about successful women returning to work because of their earning potential when they would prefer to be with thier children. You are truly a victim of your own success and a culture that says you must have it all. I can't offer any practical advice but you do have my sympathy, we all make choices in life and just because you may appear to have more "luxury of choice" doesn't make it any easier for you. Hope it works out ok

BonsoirAnna · 31/08/2009 09:56

"I think there are huge issues about successful women returning to work because of their earning potential when they would prefer to be with thier children."

I agree entirely.

I also see mothers having a lot of children in order to justify their desire to be SAHMs.

Here in Paris, fewer than three children doesn't justify your decision to be a SAHM. If you have four children, no-one questions your decision.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 31/08/2009 10:02

it is hard when they are so little but longer term you will still have a good job when you son is old enough to go to school etc. if you jack in your job you will be back to square one in 5/10 years time when everyone is looking at you and saying 'so what are you going to do now?'

BonsoirAnna · 31/08/2009 10:06

Who cares what anyone else thinks, Eleonora?

The issue is whether mothers (a) need the money from working (b) are sufficiently occupied as SAHMs.

Life is full of surprises and one of mine was finding out just how much tireder and busier I got when DD started all day school - when I had joyfully committed to a job in advance of knowing the reality!

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 31/08/2009 10:07

yes but you can't be a sahm for ever, i would find it depressing to start building a career in my late 30's or 40's

BonsoirAnna · 31/08/2009 10:09

Really? You are unlikely to return to the same career after a career break for children, but I cannot for the life of me understand what would be depressing about it. All sorts of things are possible when you are older and wiser!

sunnydelight · 31/08/2009 10:14

But do we need to "build a career" or do we just look at what is going to become the modern way of working, i.e. flexibility being the key and people doing different things at different stages of their lives?

I became a SAHM for the first time (with my third child) in my early 40s. I am highly educated, and have done a lot of different things in life but have never felt the need to "build a career", now DD is at school and I have moved to the other side of the world I need to think about working again, but I'm looking at what works for me right now rather than a career path per se. In some ways I think it is more difficult if you do have a clearly defined career path that you feel you need to follow.

BonsoirAnna · 31/08/2009 10:17

"Clearly defined" career paths tend to be ones in huge corporations. Only certain sorts of people want those jobs anyway.

OrangeKnickers · 31/08/2009 10:19

OP - my advice is to look after yourself. I did what you are proposing for a year and have just had a bit of a crisis and scaled down to three days a week. Make sure you have some time to yourself once a week or you will go mad. A busy job plus busy baby is great but you need to recharge your batteries. Plus get a cleaner and buy non-iron clothes and a slow cooker. Good luck.

I know what you mean about the resentment. Focus on the long term plan and really, really look after yourself as you are the one that makes it all work.

moomaa · 31/08/2009 10:20

Yep, I'm with BonsoirAnna on this one, I'm looking forward to going back to work after a career break. I think I'm going to be a lot more confident with a bit more life experience. I can't see me being intimidated by older people, or big board meetings or sweating the small stuff like I did sometimes before I left. If I go back when I'm 36ish (5 years time) I still have at least 20 years to go build a good career and earn those mega bucks.

I'm just going to have to make sure I don't send any annoying staff members to stand in the corner

Fandango75, sounds like you have it sorted really. I went back between DC1 and 2 and the time flew.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 31/08/2009 10:53

well when i say 'build a career' i am not talking melanie griffiths and shoulder pads.

i studied and worked to get the job i have. now dd is now at school i earn a good salary with the flexibility to pick her up every day. i can work from home, flexi hours etc. if i was just looking for a job now it wouldn't be so easy. that is all i am saying!

blueshoes · 31/08/2009 13:48

Absolutely Eleanora.

A woman is much more likely to get a flexible job with decent pay if she has current marketable skills and experience, the sort that big companies with flexible policies value.

Try going back to the workforce at entry level or without marketable skills. Chances are, you will take a big hit on pay, if you can find a job at all. Most women end up self-employed for that reason or competing with masses of women in similar positions for the few badly paid flexible jobs out there.

violethill · 31/08/2009 14:17

Why do some people attribute negative associations to the term 'building a career'?

I can only assume their experiences in the world of work have been deadly dull!

It's entirely possible to have an interesting and rewarding career and balance that with family life. Given that most adults become parents and most adults work, it's not surprising really!

If you're in a career you don't enjoy, or are bored by, do something to change it.

thedailymailiscrap · 31/08/2009 15:57

You also need to think long-term. I work in a very youth-dominated industry; I went back full-time after both dc were born.

Dh earns less than me - at that time much less- and he did the lion's share of the childcare and running around when they weren't in nursery or, later, with childminders.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes feel I'd missed out, but they're now (happy) teenagers, my job is still well-paid but much more flexible (I set my own hours and work from home when it suits me), and I can look forward to retiring in a few years on a good pension. So, for us, the sacrifices early on now seem worth it - but it was very hard work.

Colleagues who gave up when their dc were small are now panicking because they either have no pension, or not enough to retire on. And don't be fooled by the age discrimination laws, people are still forced out because they are "too old".

violethill · 31/08/2009 16:02

I entirely agree about the pensions issue.

It may be tempting to bury your head in the sand, but I'm shocked by the number of people I know of my age, 40s, who have no provision whatsoever for pensions. I'm sure it'll be a shock to them when they realise they have so little to live on. I know pensions may not perform as well as many people hope, but it's still better than not to have even thought about it.

flockwallpaper · 31/08/2009 16:12

Fandango, could you go freelance now? My plans were similar to yours, to return to work, have DC2 then go freelance. But, best laid plans.. I was made redundant when I returned from mat leave after having DC1. So I went freelance and it is working out fine despite the recession. I guess it depends on your line of work as to whether this is an option at the moment.

Good luck whatever you end up doing

LovelyTinOfSpam · 31/08/2009 21:39

blueshoes your argument is interesting and I'm sure correct.

But doesn;t that mean that we should be telling girls at school age what sort of industies they should be looking to get into?

As at the moment you do what you want, or end up doing, work your way up and then get refused flexibility.

So there is no choice but to start again.

Your argument seems to hinge on women starting off in careers and in industries which will be accomodating later on. Unfortunately in real life that all happens in hindsight.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 07:36

There was an article in the Economist a few weeks or months ago discussing the issue of women's re-entrance to the workplace. The conclusion was not that it was hard for women to re-enter the workplace after a break for motherhood because their skills and experience were not valuable, but rather that it was hard for women to re-enter the workplace because the kind of woman who had had a break for motherhood no longer wanted to sell herself body-and-soul to the world of work. It had much more to do with women's individual motivation than with workplace prejudice.

blueshoes · 01/09/2009 07:38

Lovelytinofspam, you have raised a very important point.

I used to be a City lawyer, in one of the most demanding and specialised areas of law. But my professional qualifications and experience gave me a premium to move sideways into family-friendly legal-related fields that even after discount for fixed hours and proration for reduced hours, I still command a respectable pt salary many do not earn working ft and still cover 2 lots of nursery/school fees and more.

The pt position did not fall in my lap. I had to use my research, a little legal threat, persistence and self-belief to get the positions that are golddust and not advertised.

So no, I won't be telling my daughter not to shoot for the stars. If you are good, the company will find ways of keeping you or you can find another job relatively easily by trading off the premium of goldplated training and experience.

It would be a shame for me to tell my dd to self-limit herself into obviously women-type jobs that are lowly paid (not that this is right but it is reality) from the outset and have nothing to trade off when she wants better hours or more flexibility.

blueshoes · 01/09/2009 07:47

Anna, you are right that all the mothers I know who want to go back to work from SAHM-dom want to go back into pt jobs that allow them to fit around school hours to some extent (eg with an element of working from home or the ability to do the school run at one end).

These are the pt/flexible jobs that if are wellpaid as well are almost impossible to get without some amount of planning and research. They are also usually within the same company that knows and values you with which you have goodwill. So my advice has always been to keep your hand in the workplace as much as possible so at least one employer is prepared to give that allowance to you. It is always easier to find a job when your skills are current and you are in job, not after a career break.

As for skills not being valuable, I think a break from work of 2-3 years is about the limit an employer is prepared to accept before the skills are deemed obsolete and women have to start again. I mean this for women in professional and executive jobs.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 07:54

Possibly for salaried jobs. A lot of women re-entering the workplace don't want that kind of job, though, so it doesn't apply.

Someone close to me who hasn't worked for 12 years recently identified a piece of work that a company she was a customer of needed doing, and that her particular (rather rare) skills made her perfect for. She mocked up a prototype, sent it to them - and they were delighted, agreed that it was exactly what they needed (but had not been able to find) and gave her a very good rate for the piece of work. I think that that is an excellent example of a creative strategy for re-entering the world of work.

blueshoes · 01/09/2009 08:17

Agree that it is horses for courses. Some people prefer freelance, others salaried.

The good thing about salaried jobs, for me anyway, are the benefits, paid holidays and pension they offer. I work for long term financial security, as much as self-fulfilment.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 08:20

Fair enough.

People have different motivations for working. I think it is important to remember that - second-income earners are often combining many roles, and their priorities can be very different to those of primary breadwinners.