my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

[keresley]

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

Having had 6 ? 4 year olds I?m pretty aware that they can be responsible enough to say ??does that have any nuts in it?? etc, but responsible enough to ignore sweets left on a table when no one is around? Responsible enough to make sure every grown up has washed their hands after eating anything that ??may?? contain nuts, responsible enough to make sure all surfaces are wiped after any food is prepared? That any utensils are kept separate? One of my teens is epileptic, he is a very responsible and very bright child just got 4 a*?s, but still needs to be reminded to take the 2x daily medication that preserves his life, he has already had to miss having a motor bike this year as he had a fit due to staying away over night and forgetting his tablets .

Re:

This statment: "we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him"

And this: My response would be " I can't stay with people who don't care about risking my child's life".

I think there is a non-sequiter here.

The OP has not been able to say that just being around nuts will kill her DS.

The family are saying that they appreciate that eating nuts will kill the OP's DS but they clearly do not believe that having nuts in the same house as him will kill him

Therefore to call them "people who don't care about risking her child's life" is not true, and the thread title is frankly hysterical or worse. They are people who do not believe that the risk to the OP's DS is as severe as she claims. That is not the same thing as knowing the risk and not caring about it.

I would love everyone to be milk, egg and nut free around my DS. But it doesn't happen, it's never even considered, except with nuts for some reason.

Would people be happy to come on holiday with me and be told they cannot have any dairy products at all for the duration? Even though my child, though reacting if he touched them, would have to eat some to have his life threatened? Thought not.

For all the years I have been coping with my DS's allergies, I have: taken his food everywhere, removed any other food/drink out of his reach and watched him like a hawk in anyone else's house. He soon learned not to eat anything unless we had given it to him, well before the age of 4, and he was not an advanced child at all.

As parents of a child with a life-threatening food allergy we have learned that it is up to us to keep our child safe, and to try to rely on anyone else is foolhardy. No-one else loves them like you do, no one else worries like you do. No-one else will check ingredients as carefully as you will. It's the way it is . It's upsetting that other people in the family aren't as careful, but they'll care a lot more than the rest of the big wide world that the child enters when he starts school. You can expect a LOT of blank looks and shrugs.

You need to decide whether an environment is safe for your child. I decide I don't want my DS to go to see calves being bottle fed milk on a farm visit - as there is lots of splashing and slobbering. The OP can decide to keep her DS away from her parents, and I probably would have done myself when my DS was that age.

But it is not a nut-free world and the anaphylaxis campaign no longer recommends nut-free policies (eg in schools) so there will be more of this to come.

I understand the OP's fear as I have lived it. But statements such as "my in laws are literally trying to kill my son" make me feel nauseous.

Well said BalloonSlayer

It seems that your IL's have an issue with the allergies and maybe with you and your DH. I assume they are sceptical and they think you are just being PFB about it.

While I would really want to shout at them "I can't stay with people who don't care about risking my child's life etc. " and never EVER see them again, I think that would reinforce their self-righteousness and leave you open to accusations that you were unreasonable and OTT.

Could you wait a week or so for tempers to settle a bit (or at least the violent rage I would feel ) and then write saying that despite the talks you have had they clearly do not understand or believe you otherwise as lovng grandparents they would not do this. Tell them they can either meet with your GP to have your sons allergy explained by a professional or you will only ever see them again at your house with no food from outside. If they refuse I would say sorry but no contact outside our house.

Agree ballonslayer.
Op needs to say it in a calm factual way, that doesn't make her seem hysterical.

4 yo's are not really responisble enough. Otherwise we'd let them cross roads alone and walk to school. Even the most mature forgets or may assume thats weets lying around would be nut free because thats what they are used to at home.
I'd avoid the in-laws.
My MIL ignores me saying 'please don't clatter outside dd's bedroom when she is asleep. If she is woken she will have a life threatening seizure and we'll be in hospital for 3 days. Again' How hard is it? But she does it anyway.

I jsut can't help wondering if the OP previously made a name for herself as being flappy and hysterical about a variety of things (the sort of person who would run screaming across a park to shout at someone lighting up a fag 200 yards away, how dare you smoke near me I@M PREGNANT). Because the family reaction is so extreme that there must be something more to it than just their fondness for nuts.

those who saythe OP is BU. Why cant family do without nuts for ONE WEEK. It wont hurt them, its not hard and its hardly going to restrict their diet!
dd's whole school is nut free because of one child but no-one has said its unreasoanble. Even me when my dd HAS to have ground almonds as they are her only protein source on the ketogenic diet. She just doesn't get protein at school.

I also think the OP´s handling of the situation perhaps doesn´t help.
Sweets on the table-ask for them to be put in a cupboard out of reach.
Also, picking out the nut ones-how does that help if the son is contact sensitive?
The cereal-again, out of reach.
And if you are in a holiday home, I assume you take plate, dish etc from home for you son´s use, so in that way, what others eat shouldn´t matter.

"[sweeties] must be safe because nanny put them there". I can see exactly how that would make sense to a 4yo. Or even someone older. He naturally trusts the people he loves to keep him safe. Horrible, horrible, horrible that they are betraying that faith.

I get what parents of kids with allergies are saying about training the child to check every single time. But it is equally true that a 4yo is inclined to trust close relatives. He should be able to trust his Granny, for heaven's sake.

Despite a tiny number who believe YABU, I'm very much with the other viewpoint, ie they're loons, mindless f*ers, and don't deserve any trust, and in my view, any contact, until they at least acknowledge that their attitude has been selfish and thoughtless.

I feel sorry for the OP ann partner, related to these fools. (and I would love them to have seen tinseltot's comment, on page 4, so they can see the level to which they have sunk in the opinion of onlookers).

I'm certainly no expert on allergies, and think any distinction between contact sensitive or not is a level that's unnecessary because chocolate covered nuts will still be temptation, and whether warned or having had a bad experience before, it only takes one nut to be a final mistake.

They are acting like children, which means the OP has to act like an adult and keep her son safe, which she is doing.

Also at all the perfectly trained 4 yos. So what if for whatever reason the OP's son is a bit more immature / naughty than others and eats one anyway. Well that would teach him not to do it again, wouldn't it.

Can't believe the selfishness of these people who aren't prepared to make a slight lifestyle change for one week to make their grandson safe and their DIL not feel that she has to be constantly on guard.

Also agree with everyone who says that the child is more likely to assume it's safe if Granny gave him it - even though it sounds as though granny won't be the most careful of checkers.

My ds1 has a peanut allergy - to date he actually has to eat nuts to be ill. The thing is though, I find him being around nuts very stressful - constant worrying about whether this blotch or that itch is the start of a reaction. For this reason I would not holiday with people that want to eat peanuts around us- it's not relaxing in the least. Luckily my family and in-laws feel exactly the same way - the pleasure of eating peanuts around him is not worth the worry and the risk.

Op in your situation I would never holiday with your husband's family and would probably see them infrequently tbh.

So the OP can go on 'holiday' stand guard all day and protect her 'reasonableness' image or she can tell them to fuck off and stuff themselves silly with their precious peanuts. Know which I'd choose.

I can't understand why the ILs would be such arses. Maybe there's a history here of different outlooks on life, and they've got it fixed in their heads that the OP often makes a fuss about nothing.

But even so, they should be prepared to take nut allergy VERY seriously especially as at least one IL has seen the poor kid having a serious reaction.

lol LSPB, I think I can guess which option you'd take (though it would be hard for partner {perhaps} to cut ties).

Having said that one BIL of mine will be cutting ties with his brother and in-laws in the not too distant future, moving away and never contacting them again, so it depends on the cause of a rift.

from edam "at least one IL has seen the poor kid having a serious reaction." (at a guess, was probably the cause of that reaction, BICBW as I'm going on extracts mentioned in this thread, and had not seen previous one).

Well OK she'd maybe need to be a bit more tactful but as far as the holiday goes, how exactly is it a holiday! I would do everything I could to comply in those circumstances but be paranoid I'd forget something!
I have a nut-allergic colleague, the other day I left wedding cake on his desk...I know what marzipan is but for some reason it just never crossed my mind - oh and I'm 30

I think your husbands family are completely unreasonable and would have taken my son out ofthat situation as well.

It doesn't matter whether he's contact sensitive or not (although OP has said he is) if he's touched something with remanants of nuts on it and then eats something he could have a fatal reaction.

I don't think it's much to ask not to have nut products in the place you were staying. You weren't saying they couldn't eat nuts just not to have them in the house.

I am so sorry that these people are so ignorant to your sons needs and that it will affect relationhips with them.

"Even the most mature forgets or may assume thats weets lying around would be nut free because thats what they are used to at home."

this is only likely to be an issue if

• the ILs leave sweets in bowls/dishes lying around
• the OP comes into the house and moves them out of reach of her DS
• the ILs huff and puff and move them back within his reach again

I don't think that is actually happenning.

I have felt quite hurt at family parties I have been to (extended family, not immediate) where there have been bowls of peanuts out. The family members have certainly been told my DS is allergic. But we move them. I don't accuse my relatives of "literally trying to kill my son."

The OP could seek her son's specialist's opinion on whether it is safe for him to be in the same building as nuts being consumed. If, in the Doctor's opinion, it is not, the Doctor will be happy to write a letter to that effect, which they can show to the ILs.

I do sympathise with the OP, as re-reading the first post I can understand that her nerves - always under severe stress with an allergic child in an unfamiliar environment - could not take the holiday with nuts all over the place. I have felt that sort of feeling myself ( I remember being full of rage when my DS1 was given a Biff & Chip book to read at school called "The Ice Cream." 'They wouldn't give another child a book about a loaded gun, would they?!!!' I ranted to myself. But there it is . . . I am sensitised to a ridiculous degree, other people are just not as bothered).

As I said before, I do have sympathy but the thread title appalls me.

I'm not trying to side wtih your in-laws but despite your husband's best efforts, I still don't think they are grasping the seriousness of it.

It sounds to me that they probably think that he might feel a little poorly with a rash or something, when of course, the reality is much much worse.

Because they haven't experienced it, they just don't get it. Because of this, they see it that you have tried to dictate to them and that you have ruined their holiday.

I see what you mean about the thread title ballonslayer, it is extreme, but as the OP pointed out, the consequences are death and because of her in-laws' ignorance that could be a probable outcome. Their ignorance (not mallicious intent) could have had deadly consequences.

OP, perhaps wait for the dust to settle on this one and decide what to do next. They knew about your son's condition and still chose to go away on holiday with you. With a bit of careful planning on their part, there were plenty of other foods they could have eaten, without nuts.

Hope it gets sorted.

Haven't read the whole thread but I am in agreement with Ingles here.

Your inlaws are being unkind and uncaring to both you and your ds.They should be sensitive enough to try and allay your anxieties regardless of whether they agree with them or not.It is hurtful when people disregard serious allergies but it happens all the time and you have to learn to deal with it-they aren't trying to kill your ds.

But I do think at 4 you need to be starting to teach your ds and yourselves how to cope with the risks.

My ds has severe nut allergy from secondary contact aswell-he is now nearly 7 but has been taught from 3 (when he went to nursery) that he needs to check with us before eating something.He now has a healthy awareness to protect himself...which is the only way to beable to reduce your anxiety .