Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

306 replies

keresley · 29/08/2009 18:33

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 30/08/2009 12:40

awful people.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/08/2009 12:44

footinmouth, OP said MIL has seen her son having a severe reaction to nuts! It doesn't seem to have altered her stance tho!

diddl · 30/08/2009 12:44

People shouldn´t deliberately be leaving anything potentially harmful out.
But at the end of the day it´s up to the OP to check that her son washes his hands before eating and makes sure any plates cups etc are cleaned before use.

Berrie · 30/08/2009 13:01

We were at a family party with our 4 year old and staying overnight. It was my Father's family, so we were with my Aunts and Uncles and their children. Not long after arriving we realised that between us we'd managed to come without the epi pen. We were just debating whether to go home when my SIL came to us and told us that ds was sitting with my 8year old cousin who was eating a packet of peanuts. Ds had been trained not to eat anything without permission but unless we virtually handcuffed him to our side all day this was a very worrying and potentially life threatening situation. We asked them to remove the peanuts which they did with much bad grace and grumbling. There were lots of snidey comments and when we went to bed heard a shout of, 'we can get the peanuts out now hurray!'
I will never ever go to a gathering of that side of the family again - ignorant wankers.

To be honest I really can't believe that there are people on here who think you are being unreasonable. Even if they don't think the risks are very great, you have the right to be able to relax and not worry.

dittany · 30/08/2009 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 30/08/2009 14:07

Why did you ask them to remove the peanuts?-was there a bowl on the table?
Couldn´t you have just moved your son until the cousin had finished her bag of peanuts?

Berrie · 30/08/2009 14:45

Er...because we didn't want our son to die.
The peanuts were packets on a card (like you'd get in a pub)So people would have been helping themselves all dayand they could have got anywhere. We had trained Ds but you might only know you've failed when it goes wrong...and like I said we had forgotton the epi-pen.

Berrie · 30/08/2009 14:48

Ah Didl, I see, my post makes it sound like we took the peanuts away from my little cousin. No we didn't do that...just the 'help-yourself' peanuts.

jemart · 30/08/2009 14:57

Yanbu - if my parents thought nuts would harm their grandchildren they would be even more paranoid about it than me!

diddl · 30/08/2009 15:36

Berrie
I thought people were upset because you´d asked a child to stop eating peanuts.
But if you were asking the adults to move them so that your child couldn´t get them, I can´t see the problem, TBH.

But as regards the OP, I think she was OTT re the cereal, IMO.
I would happily not leave anything about that might cause harm and I think it´s horrible to buy sweets that a child can´t eat, but I think I would be quite annoyed at being asked not to have my preferred cereal for breakfast.

hanaboo · 30/08/2009 15:42

i think the fact that u are saying "my in laws are literally trying to kill my son." shows that u are an over reactor in my opinion..
it sounds like they are trying, and succeeding in winding u up.
while i think that leaving sweets with nuts in on a table is utterly irresponsible, i also think that asking them to leave their cereal in the car is utterly ridiculous.
(and so what if it had chocolate in it, its not for him to eat)
seeing that your child has this allergy, i would have thought he would be used to "things he can't eat" by now
i think that both sides sounds like they are digging their heels right in to make a point.

in answer to those people asking ingles for parenting advice i think that the problem most parents have is not having high enough expectations of their own children, my 3 yr old daughter is not allergic to anything thank god, she is fortunate, even so, she will not pick up or eat anything without asking me or her father first, because she knows that is what is expected of her. i have friends who can't even put chocolate on the christmas tree for fear of their kids eating it all! that to me is also ridiculous,
i am sure that all of u drum into your kids about road safety? if we expect that much of them then surely there is a lot more responsibilities they are capable of handling?

Wellywearer · 30/08/2009 15:48

Adults??prefered cereal?? in cupboard presumably unlockable in holiday home- small child wakes up early gets a chair and helps self to cereal already seen and noticed had chocolate in = possibly dead child but presumably happy adult

Preferred cereal in car, locked not accessible to child but not exactly a major inconvenience even to a selfish adult = calm happy mother =happy holiday for everyone

OTT to expect an adult to be alittle bit flexible for presumably loved child ??????

katiestar · 30/08/2009 15:52

I think as a parent of a child with a peanut allergy that it is your job to keep your child away from the peanuts not other peoples duty to move them away from your DC.It would be very nice if people did co-operate with good grace but sadly I don't think you can expect it.

Wellywearer · 30/08/2009 15:53

It?s not about expectations of a child, it?s about reasonable expectations of adults.

I have taught all 6 of my children about road safety none of the walked to school on their own at 3 congratulations at your perfect parenting

diddl · 30/08/2009 16:09

Wellywearer

Why would a cupboard need to be locked to prevent a 4yr old getting access?

No, it´s not unreasonable to expect flexibility from adults-the parents of the child included.
Perhaps the whole thing became an argument because of the way it was handled and the holiday was turned into a great drama about the boy and his allergies.

What´s going to happen when the boy goes to school?

ingles2 · 30/08/2009 16:20

That's a ridiculous analogy Wellywearer...
Teaching your anaphylactic 4 yr old to check before eating anything is more comparable to asking your 4 yr old to stop at a road...
Now most 4 yr olds can do this, and they may practice,what, a couple of times a day?
Checking food, is constant. It really isn't a huge deal to ask and is not about perfect parenting at all...

Wellywearer · 30/08/2009 16:24

Because 4 year olds climb

Why presume that the op has made a huge drama of it - she asked them not to eat nuts, not to have colonic irrigation

There are teachers at school and at most school, quite rigorous rules if any child has an allergy - I?m not saying the child has no responsibility but it?s 4 year old on holiday with its family for goodness sake.

hanaboo · 30/08/2009 16:26

wellywearer, if u don't expect good behavior how do u think it will happen? by magic? my parenting is not perfect, (i never claimed it to be, nor did i claim my daughter went anywhere alone) but the one thing i do know is that whatever i am doing is obviously working as i have a very happy, well behaved and well rounded child. i'm not claiming to be an expert and every family does things differently, but if this woman doesn't expect her child to ask before eating things how does she think he will learn? like i said, the adults leaving sweets containing nuts on a table were being completely stupid!

Wellywearer · 30/08/2009 16:27

It really isn't a huge deal to ask and is not about perfect parenting at all...

But you said it was about parenting ?

diddl · 30/08/2009 16:28

Well then, 4 yr olds need telling to not climb!
Plus, with all those adults around, I assume someone will see and stop him!

Wellywearer · 30/08/2009 16:36

I have very high expectations of all of my children most of them are met most of the time - I would not however risk the life of my 4 year old child because of expectations.
Children do not in general develop a moral sense till 7 and the criminal age of responsibility is 10 for good reason.

pigletmania · 30/08/2009 16:36

Kersley how dreadful for your poor son. These people sound absolutely horrid, fancy having grandparents and relative that do not care if your son died (cause IMO thats what it is). I really feel for you, geese the mentality of some people.

hanaboo · 30/08/2009 16:37

it is about parenting, but u are the one, wellywearer who bought up the "perfect parenting" phrase, presumably takin the p**s out of my comment, anyway the fact is that at some stage this child needs to take some responsibility about his own life, i'm not saying at four this should totally in his hands but surely the earlier u start the better.

pigletmania · 30/08/2009 16:38

They obviously are so selfish that they would put a childs life at risk for their own comfort. Mabey your in laws should sit down with your sons consultant or GP and hear it straight from the horses mouth how fatal it could be.

LadyStealthPolarBear · 30/08/2009 16:41

"if this woman doesn't expect her child to ask before eating things how does she think he will learn? "
Maybe she does, but the consequences of him slipping up are horrifying. I don't understand why people think the ILs are being reasonable - all they have been asked to do is not have food with peanuts in around for a week to protect the life of someone they love. They're acting like children!