my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

[keresley]

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

thanx ingles2, i know but i think some people took what i was saying the wrong way... ;)
i just don't know why people get so sarcastic and start talking about boot camps when anyone mentions having a well behaved child, it must be something that is sadly inconceivable for them. lol

the caravan holiday and this holiday were booked at the same time keresley said for whoever said why did she book again.
definitely not a wind up as seen lots of keresleys posts on the allergies page.
sorry sleeping baby on lap - no punctuation..

''i just don't know why people get so sarcastic and start talking about boot camps when anyone mentions having a well behaved child, it must be something that is sadly inconceivable for them. lol'' but it ok fot you to be sarcastic,hypocritical and very rude whilst bleating about everyone else? lol

Poor bloody OP - now to add to the stress of having a severely allergic child, people are suggesting this is a wind up.

I recognise the emotions here - my daughter has life threatening allergies (milk, eggs, sesame, wheat and some nuts) and my ILs have ranged from openly sceptical, to negligent, to now partially coming on board (but still being unsafe IMO - "would these cheesy bites be ok for her" being the latest, but at least they are now asking). When you are dealing with this level of stress to have people - who should have your child's best interests at heart - being so blatantly unhelpful can be the last straw. I have sobbed privately on many occasions at the eye rolling and sarcasm.

With our range of allergens it is very difficult to exclude them all from everyone's diet. However, we go on holiday each year with friends and their children who have volunteered very graciously to do exactly that. We all cook and eat safe foods in and barring the odd treat out, and the odd bar of illicit chocolate once the children are in bed, everything is fine for dd . I have tried to tell them how wonderful they are being each year, they just reply that they want me to enjoy the holiday and to relax and that doing it any other way is inconceivable - it comes across as no big sacrifice for them.

DD (5) is increasingly able to manage her own allergies and obviously encounters situations all the time where she must be careful. But for that week she gets to eat the same things and her mother does not have to leap about wiping toddler's mouths and moving plates.

If I have any advice to the OP it would be to avoid this situation again. They are truly unpleasant and it must make your dh very ashamed.

To those that suggest she is BU, it is a well known response that when fear steps in people sound more hysterical and paranoid. The OP and her dh do not trust the ILs and wants to convey just how serious things are. They then get into debate about locking cereal in the car which makes them sound over-protective. I recognise this vicious circle - the opposite is also true. When people are considerate and listen to your concerns it is much easier to moderate your response - you feel calmer, sound sensible, they decide you have a reasonable approach and everyone is happy.

OP - please do not be too depressed by this. Your instincts are right and your child needs to be protected first and foremost. 4 is still very young and the ILs are clearly in denial. Just be calm with them, step away and enjoy your holidays from now on without them.

I do admit I have reacted strongly to the YABU posters. This subject really riles me because I was once in the situation of the OP with a newly anaphylactic child. It's very frightening for the first few years and it certainly has little to do with how well behaved the child is. These posters just don't seem to undersatnd that. I think they must be a bit dim.

YANBU. My child has a nut allergy though not as serious as yours, and I would be concerned about the cereal and chocolates. You can just see someone leaving the box on the table so your son can pour some of those nice clusters into his own bowl; ditto the chocs - what kid can resist a few chocolates?

I would be very unhappy about your ILs and would never share a house or allow my child to visit their house on his own.

Before I'm accused of dictating what other people do/eat, my own mother buys 'safe' ice-cream for my daughter and a nutty one for herself. However she knows exactly what's she's doing and wouldn't let a morsel of her ice-cream into my daughter's mouth. It doesn't sound like your ILs are on the right page at all.

I would never ever trust them to be with him on their own ever again.

I had an ex-bf with a allergy to your ds, Keresley. He nearly died when he was 5 when he was given some food in his school playground, it didn't contain nuts but had been stored with food that did.

YANBU - your inlaws were being unbelievebly selfish and reckless with your son's life.

I was very forgetful once, and had some chocolate with nuts in (think it was a selection box someone had given me). Half an hour later, he came home and I kissed him... and his lip started to swell up So actually I can totally understand why you didn't want the cereal there either.

headabovewater -fab post. spot on.

bouncingturtle you've won the prize for funniest typo on Mumsnet. Congrats

babybarrister if a 4 year old comes to my house I make it as child safe as I can. So I'd put anything breakable away or out of reach and I'd remove to a safe place cleaning fluids and the like. And if I knew they were allergic to milk I'd buy products without milk in. No I wouldn't throw things out but neither would they be where a 4 year old could get them if adults were inattentive for a moment. Doors and cupboards can be locked so a 4 year old isn't put at risk.

This was a holiday - they didn't have to take/buy anything risky, much easier to make the place safe than it is in your own home. They had to make a decision to buy/take products that were harmful to the OP's child, knowing that if the child ate them it could be fatal.

I cannot believe these 4 years old who are perfectly behaved - taught by parents who clearly do not expect (and therefore are unlikely to teach) good manners!

Tatt my 4 year old wouldn't take food without asking first not particularly because he was well behaved but because he knew how nuts made him feel and it didn't like it.
If he was playing out i often had other parents coming to the door asking if it was ok to give him something because he had told them he was allergic to nuts/seeds.
I hadn't realised that burger king had seseme seeds on bun as we didn't go there very often and forgot about the buns. He disappeared off and I found him at the counter calmly telling the girl that he couldn't eat his burger because of the seeds, he was 4 at the time.
I also think it's bad manner to ask other people to ban foods they would normally eat because someone else has an allergy. Children need to learn to live their allergies from a very young age.

wellywearer, how am i a hypocite? or very rude?

erh as in being sacastic whilst complaing about people being sarcastic and rude ie implying that anyone who does not agree with you must be a bit of a crap parent and have badly behaved children

but hey lol

TOSSERS!!!

bruffin

adults need to be able to deal with their allergies, children should not have to be in such fear of their lives that they can not eat anything.

To suggest that asking someone not to deliberately put a child's life at risk is "bad manners" is insane. I'll just dangle your child over a balcony, shall I or put out the bleach if they visit and of course if I see them drowning I'll walk past because it would be "bad manners" to step in. You just seem to be afraid to stand up for your child.

Have followed this thread for a while and I am completely at some of the responses on here.

Isn't our job, our DUTY to protect aswell as teach our kids about hazards and risks? The OP can 100% eliminate a potential life endangering hazard to her DS by asking people not to have nuts around him, so why wouldn't she take the opportunity? Why wouldn't ANYONE take that opportunity?

Whether her DS knows to check if food is safe first is irrelevant. Not having nuts for a small period of time is a small scarifice for someone to take to ensure her son is safe and if it were me and I got that sort of bollocks response I think I'd have to be held back.

Question to those with perfect kids who ask before they do anything - how many of you would leave a kitchen knife lying around because, hey, they know they are dangerous right? Or leave matches around? Or leave your pet dog in the same room as them because they know not to piss the dog off by biting its tail / ear / whatever?

My point is we can't completely take away all risks from our kids, but where there is a known risk, and a chance to eliminate it, why the hell shouldn't we, as parents, take that opportunity??

To the OP - that family sound dangerous to me and you have given them more than enough chances. IMO its time for an ultimatum

tatt, isn't the issue here that the in-laws do not think they are "deliberately put[ting] a child's life at risk" ? The in-laws do not think that their consumption of nuts during this holiday will affect the child. The OP has never confirmed that she has proof that her child cannot be in the same building as nuts are being consumed.

To say that consuming a food product in the same building as a child that is allergic to that food product (though not so allergic they will react to airborne allergens) is on a par with dangling a child over a balcony is utter hyberbole, like the thread title itself.

Like many people I would have been disappointed, hurt and angry if I was in the OP's position. And I would not bother going on holiday with the family again. But the inlaws, selfish and rude as I think they are, are absolutely NOT "literally trying to kill her child," or "deliberately putting a child's life at risk" and to suggest that they are is outrageous.

Exactly Balloonslayer. The business with banning the cereqal is ridiculous and I do suspect it's the OP oTT attitude that has got herself into the situation with the inlaws, they probably lost sympathy.

"The OP can 100% eliminate a potential life endangering hazard to her DS by asking people not to have nuts around him, so why wouldn't she take the opportunity? Why wouldn't ANYONE take that opportunity?"

The point is you can never 100% eliminate which is why the anyphylaxis campaign advice is not to, because it creates a feeling of complacency. The child has to be taught to question everything from a very early age.
I don't think the OP's relatives are being reasonable or particularly nice people, but I do think the OP is unreasonible in some of her demands as well.
My DS was not perfect when he was 4, but he did question everything.

Ok perhaps you can never 100% eliminate a risk, but even if you can dramatically reduce it then why the fook shouldn't you?

I do agree that the child needs to be taught to question. But until they are at an age where they can be completely trusted (and only the parents can know when that is) then I think its sensible to complement the childs teaching by also removing hazards. Especially in this case - family holiday, sun, playing around, normal every day things can almost be forgotten in the haze of a holiday.

I think it was a bit OTT to ask whoever it was to put the cereal in the car, but there again I haven't been in a situation where my DS has a life threatening allergy so I don;t know how Id' react.

Personally though if I was going on holiday with someone who I KNEW had an allergy as severe as this there is no way I would have nuts around them. If anything happened I would never forgive myself so I do think its very odd that they seem so laissaiz faire about it......

I have read your other thread. Tell these people to take a hike, seriously. Why are you and DH letting FIL bully your son? How does DS react when they are taunting him? You are his mother and should protect him from these people. Never mind dicing with his life, they are also trying to mess his head up by tempting him.

Talk to DS about why granny and grampa do this and ask how it makes him feel. Going by this thread it sounds like this is a quite common reaction to people with allergies and he'll need to know how to deal with it. Sorry, but i have this image of poor DS sitting there wondering why his grandparents are acting like this.

If you really want to keep them in your life, insist they visit you at your own house. Tell them that you agree they should be able to eat what they want and that is why you are keeping DS away from their house. Never go on holiday or out for a meal with them again!

ROFL!!! I've just come back to this thread and spotted my stupid typo!!
obviously he was allergic to nuts!!

And just to come back again the point about the cereal, I honestly don't think the OP was BU about the cereal - as I was trying to illustrate, I ate a nut based product and accidentally induced and allergic reaction in my bf by kissing him. It wasn't a life threatening one - he would have to ingest the nut himself for it to be a life threatening reaction, but he didn't appreciate it!!
And he had told me that he was severly allergic to nuts, and I had not so much forgotten this (we'd only been going out a few weeks at this point), more that I didn't relate me eating a nut based product to him possibly having a reaction.
After that point I was scrupulously careful not to have any nut based products in the house, or to eat any myself.