my in laws are literally trying to kill my son.

[keresley]

I have posted before about my in laws inability to understand my son's life threatening allergy to nuts. Since then, my husband sat down with them and spoke for a long while about the risks etc and we really thought that we had reached an understanding. We have just come back from a family holiday - inlaws plus 3 uncles and their partners- all my husbands side. On this holiday my inlaws intentionally brought nuts into the house (in the form of sweets). My partner and I immediately removed the sweets with nuts in and left the ones that were nut free. A partner of the uncle then brought nut cluster cereal into the house and made a huge fuss when we asked if she could store it in her car while we replaced her cereal with a nut free alternative. The upshot of these 2 events was the majority of the family turning on us saying that it was other peoples holiday and they should be able to do what they like. We had extensive conversations trying to explain how unsafe this was for our son etc etc. My in-laws kept saying " we know nuts will kill him but we will never stop having nuts around him". 2 of the uncles joined in saying we were the ones being unreasonable. This continued for 5 days- after which we had to leave the holiday house we were in as it was just too unsafe for our son to be there anymore. Now we have my husband's family blaming us for ruining the holiday and saying we were selfish for leaving. what do you think?

D'you know what...it doesn't matter if it's a wind up or not... it doesn't even matter if the OP is over dramatic in her response to it all. I Still cannot get over some of the YABU posts on here.
Maybe as the years go by the Op will become more relaxed about it. The child is 4 and may not have had a diagnosis very long. I think it is entirely reasonable to feel the way she does - real or not.

I don't think she's a troll. She is, essentially, me 7 years ago.

She is unreasonable for a reasonable reason.

who's calling her a troll dittany? I've just interpreted the situation from both sides having seen reactions from others for years.
If my son had anaphylaxis so severe that he couldn't been in the same room as a nut containing food product or someone who had consumed a nut I just wouldn't be going on holiday with family who have already expressed a casual regard for it. As I said earlier, both sides are over reacting imo.

I've just done a search on the OP and she's been posting for years, mainly about nut allergies so she doesn't appear to be a troll.

I don't think she's being unreasonable or hysterical either. Having a child with a life threatening condition is very hard to live with and I think a bit more compassion would go a long way.

just read the link to the holiday in the caravan re eggs etc.

they sound mental. why do you keep going on all these holidays with them?

Er...thank you I will never forget it again now you've said that. We did not do it on puropse.

Of course it is harder for you with allergens like milk. So what - this is not milk.

ingles2 - "who's calling her a troll?"

Well someone saying "There's no way on earth this is the truth..." and "Just don't believe it.." is as good as saying it's a troll...

no ... I'm not saying she's a troll, I'm saying I don't believe this version of events

obviously quite a few people who have no experience of food allergy. The OP's experience is not that unusual. My SIL has given a bag of nuts to a child to play with when my child was playing with the child. My child's school teacher suggested other children bring peanuts to a party. Some people are stupid and selfish. The OP clealry worries about upsetting her partner by having problems with their family. I would put either of my children before my partner.

Balloonslayer you are just showing sour grapes. If I went on holiday with a child who had anaphylactic reactions to dairy I wouldn't expect to have milk in the house.

When I go out with dairy intolerant children we don't get ice-cream. We still have milk in our house when they visit but they are not allergic, merely intolerant and my child can't have soy milk. If they could I'd buy soy milk. It is simply good manners not to put an allergic child at risk. More difficult to do that at school where it would be ongoing but for a day or week it is not unreasonable to expect better from relatives.

My nut allergic child's friends do not bring out nuts when they visit because they don't wish to harm their friend. Decent people do not deliberately put out allergens around 4 year old children. Those that do are not worth bothering with.

My DS is now 13 and has been allergic to nuts and seeds since he was 4 and I think you are probably being OTT with your reaction.
4 years olds are more than capable of knowing what they can and can't have, my DS asked all the time, I never banned them in the house and still allowed dd to eat peanut butter as it was her favorite

In the long run it's better not to be ban them all together so they learn never to take anything for granted. This is the reason the anaphylaxis campaigns advice is not to ban nuts in school. Thankfully DS seems to have grown out of the peanut and some of the treenut allergies now.

tatt, you are fabulous for not having milk in the house when you have a dairy intolerant child visiting. I agree with you that it is good manners. You have very good manners.

Yet your behaviour is not my experience, with people whom I credit with exemplary manners in other areas.

People do not, indeed, have never, in my experience, removed all dairy from their house when we come to visit.

They don't even remove dairy from their meals, not even from my DS's meals sometimes, despite being caring and thoughtful people. Why? because it is too much for them to cope with, presumably. But not because of malice or a deliberate desire to kill my child.

I am offended that you think I am suffering from "sour grapes." Whatever have I said made you call me sour?

I have only pointed out that the vast majority of the world cannot and will not make the environment allergy free for a child, and this - and the problems and terrible fear it brings - has to be faced sooner or later.

As others have said, the anaphylaxis campaign now recommend not having a nut ban in schools, one of the reasons for this is that it gives children a false sense of security.

I'll say again...of course 4 year olds are able to ask before they eat anything and are becoming aware of the dangers but the OP is not unreasonable to expect her family to remove any risk so that she does not have to be on alert and can relax and enjoy her holiday. Why is that so contentious?...seems perfectly reasonable to me.

You are absolutely being vv reasonable and they are being criminally stupid as well as irresponsible.One of my dgc has a severe egg allergy and went into anaphylactic shock after being given something cooked in a pan which had previously been used to cook an egg[and washed]only the epipen saved him from a life threatening situation.You cannot be too careful.

Pranma - similar thing happened to an (adult) friend of mine, only with nuts. Pan had been washed up after being used for something else containing nuts, IIRC. Very scary. First time I realised quite how dramatic allergies can be - obviously I knew in theory, but seeing it with your own eyes is something quite different.

(Mind you, despite having that example, I still slipped up and bought chocolates containing diary for another allergic friend. Thankfully an adult who checked. )

If I were you I would simply never let my child near my in laws, they are clearly very stupid

I cannot believe they would even chance putting their grandchild at risk, total lunacy!!
I would avoid them on teh basis they are obviously nuts.

Why chance seeing how severe his allergy is, they are not called life threatening allergies for nothing.

i think some of u mistook my comment, initially i was pointing out that imo both parties were being over the top, obviously the gp's being worse as they were endangering the child, it is totally irresponsible to put nuts of any form on any surface the child could reach.
the second part of my comment was in response to people seemingly offended by the fact that ingles2 child was sensible enough not to eat anything without checking first, i don't understand why people get so annoyed when someone mentions how well behaved their child happens to be?
i was in no way suggesting that the op was not teaching her child these things, she actually mentioned in a post that she was in fact doing this but couldn't trust a 4 yr old not to eat sweets which is understandable.
someone mentioned that i shouldn't be posting as my child does not have allergies.... i didn't realise i had to qualify in some way to be able to post a comment.
fyi, my goddaughter, who is in my home regularly has the type of nut allergy where she only has to inhale nut dust to go into anphallactic shock so i definately understand the seriousness of the situation.
i just don't feel the need to rid the house of ALL nut products twice a week, i mean its not difficult for her to be in the living room playing while my husband eats nut clusters in the kitchen.
as long as everybody is aware no big deal needs to be made of the situation, i think that both parties have made this into a massive unneeded issue.
no offense meant to anyone

I had an undiagnosed allergy to brazil nuts throughout my childhood & was routinely told I was being silly when I insisted that I couldn't breathe if I ate one.

So I assumed that I just didn't like them, & spent years casually discarding them from mixed nuts (was a veggie student at the time - we ate LOTS of nutroast).

Then in my mid-twenties I accidentally ate a chocolate-coated brazil nut & ended up in A&E, choking & having a massive asthsma attack.

Hazelnuts & walnuts also make my mouth 'burn' - hard to describe, but a maddening burning itch.

Now, I'm obviously NOTHING like as allergic as the OP's ds, & I don't expect anyone (including Dh) not to eat nuts when I'm around.

But if a small child had similar symptoms (ie. not life-threatening but thoroughly unpleasant) to mine, then of course I would remove all known sources of nuts if we were going to be sharing acommodation. If it's a self-catering holiday house then it's no problem at all, surely, to eat a ceral without nuts for a week.

I think milk & egg allergies do require a different approach as they are less well known & in so many processed foods.

It looks as though the OP's ILs simply don't understand the risk, or are choosing not to. I would definitely be choosing to avoid them re: shared holidays in future, & insisting that they acknowledge the very real danger before they had further contact with ds.

I think op is a bit hysterical but i undersatnd why, its their childs life. It would just be much easier NOT to have any nut products around in the house but do agree at 4 a child will usually be old enough to understand that any food he isn't sure about has to be okayed by a parent.

The other issue is the inlaws terrible unsympathetic attitude. If your childs grandmother saw the anaphylactic reaction the first time you would think that would be more than enough to make her nervous about it happening again. I'd be WELL pissed of with the inlaws.

hanaboo don't apologise.. your point of view is just as reasonable and valid as anyone elses.