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Original poster

Coffee shop toilet politics

33 replies

Vinomum · 29/08/2009 17:38

I don't know if I was right to be annoyed about an incident that happened to me this morning so I'd like others' perspectives. I was in Costa Coffee on a rare morning shopping without my dcs (bliss!). I went to use the toilet and it was engaged so headed for the other toilet next to it which had 4 signs on the door, male, female, disabled and baby changing - ie one room for all of the above to use. As I was opening the door to go in a woman came up behind me with her young baby and said 'excuse me can I use this toilet to change my baby?' I said of course, and let her go first (mainly as I have a 3 month old ds and know how difficult it can be going out with a small baby). Thinking about it afterwards though, the way she asked me made it obvious that she assumed she had more right to use the room than I did because she had a baby and I didn't. I got really annoyed with myself for giving in to her so easily and letting her go, especially when I was desperate for the loo myself, it was a busy Saturday morning and the toilet was clearly intended for everyone to use, not just those with babies or wheelchair users. Am I right to be annoyed or was I right to let her go ahead of me? Really curious to see what other people think of this!

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/08/2009 17:40

You were very kind to let the lady with the baby go in front of you.

Not sure why you are cross though. You did a Good and Nice thing.

PestoSurfMonster · 29/08/2009 17:40

I think you were being nice and I would have probably done the same.

Paolosgirl · 29/08/2009 17:40

You were very kind to let her go in front - no need to be annoyed imo. Just rise above it and allow yourself to feel the warm glow that doing a charitable deed gives

xxxxBAMBOOxxxx · 29/08/2009 17:41

You did the right thing. You let a woman with a baby have access to a room where she could change it.

Original poster
Vinomum · 29/08/2009 17:42

I suppose I'm wondering that if the roles were reversed and it was me that had my kids with me, would it be cheeky to expect her to let me go first?

OP posts:
ReneRusso · 29/08/2009 17:46

She sounds like she may have had an over developed sense of entitlement but you did the right thing, don't worry about it. Did she not say thank you?

Original poster
Vinomum · 29/08/2009 17:48

Yes she did say thank you. She was perfectly nice really.

OP posts:
LastTrainToNowhere · 29/08/2009 17:50

I think you did the right thing and you should bask in your lovely warm glow of kindness

In my head, mums with babies and young toddlers always get to go before the rest of the able-bodied population. Why? Because...
(a) no mum with a baby asks to go to the head of the queue if the nappy is only wet, if she's in a hurry chances are the baby has filled the nappy and the more he/she squirms, the messier the clean-up operation will be!
(b) young toddlers are often in the middle of potty-training and believe me when I say they do not give you much notice when they have to go. So it's either letting the kid have the toilet, or having to watch them wet their pants in the corridor.

LastTrainToNowhere · 29/08/2009 17:52

FWIW, sometimes when I'm stressed with dealing with my child, I might talk to other adults in a slightly more strident tone. A tone that sounds harried to me, but may come across as aggressive to others. Give her the benefit of the doubt Vinomum, I bet she's telling her husband about the kind lady she had to shove out of the way so she could get into the toilet in time

violethill · 29/08/2009 17:59

Be grateful she was using the baby changing facilities.

Some people would use the table top in the coffee shop.

WHY is it that a minority of mothers think that popping out a baby is a kind of fast track pass to the front of the queue for anything? Very odd. It's hardly as if a woman going to the loo is going to take more than a couple of minutes.

Obviously this woman's baby was Very Important!

LastTrainToNowhere · 29/08/2009 18:02

violet, she asked permission didn't she? She didn't just barge in. She also said thank you when she left. Perfectly ordinary incident imo. Her baby wasn't an automatic ticket to the front of the queue.

violethill · 29/08/2009 18:04

So why ask? Why not wait, what two or three minutes while someone who might be desperate for a wee can go?

Just rather odd behaviour!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/08/2009 18:09

Why not ask, Violet?

Perhaps she felt that her child would start fussing and protesting whilst in the queue.

Original poster
Vinomum · 29/08/2009 18:32

The baby wasn't fretting and didn't look remotely bothered whether it's nappy was changed or not. There was no sense of urgency that I could see - if there had been I wouldn't have even waited to be asked. Maybe it was the mother that needed the loo badly and was using her baby as an excuse to push in? Maybe I should try that tactic next time I'm out with the dcs

OP posts:
Fimbo · 29/08/2009 18:36

If she had a young child, who was obviously desperate to use the loo, I would without doubt either let her go first or offered her to go first, but I don't think changing a nappy gives you priority over everyone else. You could have had a weak bladder or irritable bowel syndrome for example and urgently need to use the loo,

violethill · 29/08/2009 18:49

Or indeed, fimbo, just a mum with a dodgy pelvic floor!!

IMO a young baby in a nappy is probably the one who needs LOWEST priority for the loo - it's already been, so doesn't need to hang on, and quite frankly, two more minutes in a wet or soiled nappy ain't gonna make it melt!

lazylion · 29/08/2009 18:53

I agree with LastTrain, whether my babies appear distressed or not I'm in a state of anxiety in busy places with them. I'm probably quite arsey in my behaviour because of this, but it is only because I am trying to stay in control. I see a lot of similar behaviour in other mothers.
I should think your kindness was appreciated Vinomum.

pjmama · 29/08/2009 20:04

She was cheeky to ask, but you were kind to let her. Claim the moral high ground and forget about it

pjmama · 29/08/2009 20:05

I bet SHE needed to go and was using the baby as an excuse.

IUsedToBePeachy · 29/08/2009 20:10

She asked, and there may well be a reason (if you'd seen ds4's nappies this week you'd know what A Reason looks like in this house- you certainly wouldn't want to sahre a coffee shop with the pong )

I think you were nice, you should feel good

MrsSeanBean · 29/08/2009 20:16

I applaud the OP's kindness and good manners, both of which are sadly in short supply nowadays.

I think you did the right thing, but if I had been asked in a rather bossy or abrupt way I would have felt a bit irked too.

sasamaxx · 29/08/2009 20:23

Yes you were extremely polite and generous - but really, she should have just waited for you....don't really understand why she thought she had more right to the room than you!

tinkerbellesmuse · 30/08/2009 08:56

She was cheeky to ask but you were very kind to let her go first (and at least she thanked you)

Off OP but two ladies once refused to let me take my daughter (just turned 2) to the toilet in front of them despite her hopping up and down and crying that "it was coming". DD wet herself and then they had the gall to look disgusted One of them actually muttered "FGS" as se literally stepped over us. Nice.

CyradisTheSeer · 30/08/2009 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AvadaKedavra · 30/08/2009 09:10

I wouldn't have thought she was cheeky or trying to jump ahead, I would assume she would have been a bit confused by the 4 signs above the door like I no doubt would have been!!

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