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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to feel miffed that my folks want us to commit to being with them for Xmas 2010?

41 replies

Lotster5 · 26/08/2009 15:46

I know they're trying to be organised and all, but surely most sane people would consider sorting Xmas and New Year EIGHTEEN MONTHS in advance frankly ludicrous?

I'm under pressure to commit to being with them from 24th December 2010 through to 1st January 2011 in their miserable 50s holiday bungalow the South West. Why? "Because it'll take quite a lot of work to arrange". Arrange what exactly - a Red Arrows fly-past?? Are they fattening up the turkey already or something? Jeez...

And what about DH's aged Ps? don't they get a look in? Oh no, it's all right because my parents are going to Maderia for Xmas this year, so DH's APs can have us this year and my lot can have us next.

Feeling like a piece of meat, or am I being an ungrateful mutt?

OP posts:
StayFrostysSister · 26/08/2009 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo · 26/08/2009 15:51

YANBU - tell them you are not planning this far in advance.

You have no idea what will be happening in your life in 18 months.

GeeWhizz · 26/08/2009 15:52

Thought it was early to be asked for this years then reread and realised you mean next Christmas.

Bit of a cheek really, don't think they'd like it if you were with in laws for the week and didn't see them.

GossipMonger · 26/08/2009 15:53

'Thanks for the invite but we will be away next year. We are taking the children to the maldives Australia DisneyLand!'

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/08/2009 15:56

Way too early to agree anything like this. Just refuse to participate in the discussion and say you will deal with it sometime next year/whenever it's more appropriate.

Flibbertyjibbet · 26/08/2009 15:57

When this pops up with the inlaws (who I can't possibly put any details about as they read the daily mail)..

I just say 'oh goodness I can't think further than the end of next week - I can't possibly plan that far ahead'.

diddl · 26/08/2009 16:01

How do you normally arrange Christmas?
Would you usually have seen them this year?
If so, they are merely makeing sure that they will see you next time, IMO.

tatt · 26/08/2009 16:06

well as our families never seem to consider that we might not want to arrange things at the last moment (we have friends to see!) I can see the advantage of arranging things in good time.

Maybe they should go on holiday next year too - or would that make you feel unwanted?

You could just say you'd like to see then at Christmas next year but can't guarantee the whole week.

Original poster
Lotster5 · 26/08/2009 16:12

Hmmmm diddl, I have to say your way of putting it is a very nice and positive way of seeing it!

Thing is we don't normally arrange Christmas as such - and just fall in with other people's plans but perhaps that's where we're at fault, i.e. in not taking control of situation? But then Xmas is such a mine field...

For a good few years, my folks took long-haul holidays over Xmas and so it wasn't an issue - we just went to my in-laws. Xmas is a mega affair for them and really important, less so for mine, so everyone was happy.

What do others do???

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 26/08/2009 16:14

As others have suggested just confess to the fact that you won't/can't make plans that far in advance ...

Our family have a similar thing when we eventually do go back to visit family - we have found the best thing to do is to just make plans for our own family and let the outlaws and others fit around us

EyeballsintheSky · 26/08/2009 16:15

Oh we usually have a fight which starts about now. TBH we've usually split up for Christmas with each going to their own family for the lunch and rest of the day and it worked really well. Now we have dd it's different of course. Last year, the first year we had her, we had lunch at mine and evening at his and everyone agreed it was a disaster. We had to uproot ourselves from the tv and take our huge stomachs over to his where we felt out of place having missed the first part.

This year we are staying at home. If they want us they can come and find us

ThingOne · 26/08/2009 16:30

I don't think it's being unreasonable to say PILs one year, your family the next. I do think it's unreasonable to expect you commit to a certain length of time this far in advance.

moondog · 26/08/2009 16:42

For a start, 8 days is waaaaaay too long to spend with anyone, however well loved.

Sounds a bit like my bil and family.I swear they know where they are going for Spring 1/2 term 2012.

domesticslattern · 26/08/2009 17:15

2010??!!! They are bonkers. It is all about staking their claim, isn't it?

We have told my APs that we are very sad but that we cannot ever stay with them at Christmas because it will upset my PILs too much, and we don't want to have to choose. So we go to one lot on Christmas eve and the others on Boxing Day and get Christmas alone (which is my idea of heaven. ).

My APs have yet to discover that my PILs are atheists from a jewish background so they don't give two hoots about Christmas or who we spend it with.

diddl · 26/08/2009 17:40

I only ask because my Dad does one year with me, one with my sister.
So, if my sister or I wanted to make another arrangement, we would be telling the other ASAP so that Dad wasn´t left with no where to go.

Original poster
Lotster5 · 26/08/2009 17:55

Believe me, after 8 days, I will be wearing a rictus grin and will be grinding my teeth to the core.

OP posts:
TotalRockChick · 26/08/2009 18:49

Me and DH used to spend morning with one set, afternoon with the other set, in the days when we all lived locally.

Now my parents live 100 miles away (we moved, not them) and PILs live 40 mins away so we basically say we are gonna b at our house christmas day, if you want to join us you're more than welcome. Last year my parents came up in the afternoon and stayed til day after boxing day while PILs popped in for drinks on boxing day afternoon and everyone was happy.

Planning for 2010 now is pretty extreme but as some others have said maybe they just want to ensure you don't feel put out that they're buggering off this year and you won't see them at all. Having said that the thought of a whole week with either my parents or the PILs is making me feel rather nervous, absolutely no way I'd say yes to a whole week!!! Maybe get there christmas eve afternoon and stay til boxing day? Good luck!!

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 26/08/2009 19:05

Say you are staying home for christmas and be done with it
As soon as I had my first child anyone wanting to spend christmas with us had to come to us, 13 years later that still applys

MummyDragon · 26/08/2009 19:37

Erm - sorry, but to use your own words, you are being an ungrateful mutt. Be thankful that you have parents who want to spend Christmas with you. Why on earth are you getting so offended that your relatives want to spend time with you?

lovechoc · 26/08/2009 19:46

Screw them all I say, and just have Christmas on your own. It's not worth the extra stress worrying about keeping relatives happy. Just enjoy your day at home would be my best advice.

PitysSake · 26/08/2009 19:48

you grandly say " i am not talking about christmas in august"

and leave it at that

TrillianAstra · 26/08/2009 19:50

24th Dec-1st Jan? No way would I spend that long at anyone's house.

Can yuo just say vaguely that you will see them next Christmas, without committing to amounts of time, etc?

BubbaAndBump · 26/08/2009 20:11

Now we have DCs, I had romantic ideals of spending one Christmas with my PILs (who live over 200 miles away), one with my Ps (who live 5 miles away), and one on our own. Dutifully done the first two (while tearing back and forth either before or after to keep all happy). This year was looking forward to our own (and our first own) - but GPs already making unsatisfactory noises .

Would say to yours, "great you'll be in the UK over Christmas next year and sure we'll arrange something but can't possibly think about it yet"

windywendy · 26/08/2009 20:15

Christmas this year was baggsied by my mum over a year ago, so no I do not think you are being unreasonable. I was put under a lot of pressure to say yes to it as well

funtimewincies · 26/08/2009 20:34

I find it odd that, even now that I have children, we're often expected to go to a set of parents for Christmas, as if we're still expected to 'go home' for the holidays.

We're going to my parents for Christmas dinner, which is great as we'll hopefully have a newborn but after ds was born I got much more assertive about keeping our family Christmas instead of tagging on to other people's plans. Any family member is welcome at ours as long as they bring a bottle .