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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to feel miffed that my folks want us to commit to being with them for Xmas 2010?

41 replies

Lotster5 · 26/08/2009 15:46

I know they're trying to be organised and all, but surely most sane people would consider sorting Xmas and New Year EIGHTEEN MONTHS in advance frankly ludicrous?

I'm under pressure to commit to being with them from 24th December 2010 through to 1st January 2011 in their miserable 50s holiday bungalow the South West. Why? "Because it'll take quite a lot of work to arrange". Arrange what exactly - a Red Arrows fly-past?? Are they fattening up the turkey already or something? Jeez...

And what about DH's aged Ps? don't they get a look in? Oh no, it's all right because my parents are going to Maderia for Xmas this year, so DH's APs can have us this year and my lot can have us next.

Feeling like a piece of meat, or am I being an ungrateful mutt?

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 26/08/2009 20:44

Soo true funtime ~ and when I do go back to my parents' place, I end up reverting to teenage type! .

Any advice about what to do with PILs who live too far away to 'pop over'? It would mean their staying here for a few days /

Original poster

Lotster5 · 26/08/2009 21:06

Hmmmm think stalling tactics might work... for now. Telling APs that they're being a bit over organised would shut a few doors which wouldn't have affected me so much a few years back (wasn't allowed home for over 2.5 years for not intimately involving father's wife in wedding planning - as if!) but since DS (and now bump) arrived in the world, it would be heart breaking to have access denied to their GF.

I know they're playing games with me to an extent (I'm an only child) but I've always felt Xmas is about keeping others happy. Besides it's only a few days in the year and as MummyDragon says - at least they want to see us and are at least trying to plan in some "fun".

Oooh gosh I sound like I'm feeling really sorry for myself. Truly I'm not, I'm just feeling caught here between my difficult step-mother, my father who gives in to her every whim, and my wholly reasonable and lovely in-laws who are besotted with their GS.

Oh and to say nothing of my poor DH who puts up with this hideousness on a fairly regular basis - deserves a medal.

May be it's him I should put first - up to us to agree what WE'RE going to do and broadcast our message at least 3 years in advance!!!!! [GRIN]

OP posts:

toddlerama · 26/08/2009 21:18

If your in-laws are lovely and reasonable, then surely they will understand that you are a bit trapped, so if you need to go to AP's to keep the peace they will understand. If you do not want to be there, you need to weigh up how much you want to keep them sweet vs how much you want a relaxing Christmas.

WebDude · 26/08/2009 22:16

funtimewincies seems to encapsulate what I think one of my sisters would have wished.

She and her husband seemed always to be with his family for Christmas for over 20 years.

Our Mum was sometimes a bit miffed, that she and her husband and son didn't come to 'us' (when I lived at home).

Our Mum was, however, invited to some of her in-laws' celebrations, including some fancy hotel one year.

There was travel involved (150+ miles) and in part it was the only way my sister's BIL and his family (who had moved south) would get to see his parents and 3 elderly aunts, but my sister would have cheerfully had a 'family' (just the 3 of them) Christmas over and over, and didn't get chance, until such time as only her MIL was alive, and accepted invite to BIL's home for Christmas (but inevitably, because of various health problems, suffered because they go overboard with rich foods, upsetting her stomach and sugar level).

So no, the OP is NBU to not want to commit at this point. I think that while nice to see relatives at Christmas, it's perhaps nice one year in three to be at home yourself, and not having to 'alternate' to fit into plans of others!

FairLadyRantALot · 26/08/2009 22:26

hm, jst read your parents are normally away, but arranging next year speacially to be there...tbh...than you should go with it, they poassibly have somespecial thing plant or just really got their heads round that family x-mas...AND IF IT WOULD CAUSE AN INLAW PROB...SURE THEY COULD COME...

piscesmoon · 26/08/2009 22:37

I would just tell them the truth-there is no way that I could say what I am doing the Christmas after next!! Who knows what will have happened by then?!

jemart · 26/08/2009 22:43

Yabu a little bit - it's not set in stone you know, plans can be changed nearer the time if they prove to be inconvenient.
And you could always just say no thanks and go do something else for xmas that year.

jemart · 26/08/2009 22:45

We had all the family round to ours for xmas last year - twas like a zoo and very stressful. Glad we usually go to my parents or inlaws!

tatt · 27/08/2009 07:47

we used to go from one set of parents to another and spent a lot of Christmas in the car. Then I put my foot down and we spent Christmas at home in peace - but visit the relatives either just before or just after. If you ar emore sociable you can invite them all to visit you and even hire them rooms in a guest house if you can't fit them all in.

Decide what you want, stick to it - but respect their desire to see you by at least visiting some time in the season. What will you want your children to do one Christmas in the future?

YeahBut · 27/08/2009 08:08

"Who knows what we'll be doing next year? Or even if we'll still be together."
And watch the horrified reaction.
Bwa-ha-ha-ha < requires evil emoticon >

ben5 · 27/08/2009 08:20

for the last couple of years both sets of parents have come to us because we are the ones with small children. as we moved to australia in june we wil be having christmas by ourselves!! i could understand if your parents wanted to come to australia in dec 2010 but to the west coast of uk? no need to book that far in advance. i don't even know what i'm doing next week let alone this time next year!!!!!!!!!

FimbleHobbs · 27/08/2009 08:35

I LOVE going to other people for Christmas - its a lot easier than having them round to ours. We alternate my Ps one year and MIL the next. And see FIL when he can fit us in around the football, of course.

We were very lucky that the gap between our DCs meant that both sets of grandparents have had a turn at 'baby's first Christmas' when it was their years.

OP maybe the 'lot of work to arrange' is the extension they are building to house you for such a long time...

TheBolter · 27/08/2009 08:42

Can you not agree a compromise? If it were me, I would suggest three, MAX four nights over or after Christmas. All that time together, especially in a small house, would drive me nuts. How about you go from Boxing Day until the 28th or 29th?

2rebecca · 27/08/2009 10:10

I would say at the moment it's too early to decide what you will be doing. What exactly do they need to organise? Is it that if you don't go they'll invite someone else? If so reasonable to give them some notice. I would say you'll start thinking about next Christmas next spring/ summer, although even that seems early to me. No idea what we're doing this xmas yet. Haven't sorted out how many children we have with us yet or how much time we can both get off work, there's no way I'd get a whole week off in the festive period.
If you don't fancy the idea of holiday cottage you could just stay at home and have a small family christmas and see them when they come back from theirholiday.

WidowWadman · 27/08/2009 10:20

Officially we're alternating christmases between the bloke's parents down south and my parents in Germany.

The last 2 christmases it should have been my parents turn, but we missed the first one, as we couldn't afford going to Germany 3 times in the space of 6 month (big family dos over there in october and feb), and the year after because I was pregnant and due to give birth on the second of jan (she actually was born ten days early), so spent christmas without either parent.

This year we're still not going over there, as we're getting married at the end of october in Germany, so it's not possible financially.

To cut a long waffle short, no matter how good intentions are, it's not always possible to stick to plans like that and your parents should understand it. Mine certainly do.

ceres · 27/08/2009 11:34

both sets of parents, and assorted siblings, come to us every year. it is easier that way - everyone is welcome and numbers vary from year to year.

tbh i do it this way as my in laws have never really made a big thing of xmas. the couple of times we have gone there for xmas i haven't enjoyed it as it just felt like any other day.....on one occasion we didn't even have turkey. thing is, i love xmas and am very traditional about the whole thing.

admittedly we are lucky as both families get on really well so no issues there.

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