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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid that DH has decided to fast this Ramadan??

120 replies

ready2explode · 22/08/2009 11:45

Ok, I know immediately people will think I'm being unreasonable but first some background.
DH hasn't fasted since he was 15 (15 years ago), we have a newborn baby and toddler, I had caesarian and I'm struggling with BF. I feel like we have enough (on our plates...hah ha pardon the pun!) without the added stress of DH fasting.
Fasting will start at 3.45 am - 8.30pm, so no food or fluids throughout the day, waking up early for first prayer. DH will be exhausted and probably bad tempered and I just can't get over the craziness/ selfishness of him deciding to fast for the first bloody time now. I am angry too as I see it as a way of him taking some 'me time' he will basically be attempting to opt out of helping out at home. He works away for long periods but will be home until November now and I'm so mad that he's spoiling this special time we should be sharing and enjoying the new baby and helping toddler get used to new baby.
Also DH usually drinks alcohol, eats pork, doesn't even own a Quran or a prayer mat, no compass, not faintest idea which direction is Mecca and while I support his choice to become a better muslim any time he chooses I thinks he's being a total selfish arse to observe ramadan now when we need him.
I feel like telling him to piss off and stay with his mates and come back when it's over! Also his birthday's at beginning of September so I don't believe he'll let that pass with out drinking alcohol so he'll probably only fast for 2 weeks anyway so why bloody bother??!!! GRRRR!
I know this is an awful long rant but surely INBU??

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2009 22:31

If your health is not up to it, you do not have to fast.
An insulin dpendant diabetic, who would die would be exmpt from fasting.

I dont kow how anyone can gorgeo n food after fasting, the only thing I want to do is drink my body weightin water, I simply cannot stomach huge portions of incredibly rich and fatty food after having not eaten all day.

We tend to eat smaller portions after breaking fast.

Fresh fruit and milky drinks tend to be the thing, we do make samosas and pakoras etc, but I cannot imagine wanting to or having the capacity for stuffing my face with pizza...and all night? I'm generally fast asleep as soon as the night prayers are done!

UndomesticHousewife · 22/08/2009 22:32

It's possible that the OP's dh has decided to this because of the new baby, it sort of enables him to not do his share as he'll have a ready excuse.
Especially if he's not fasted for 15 years, he's not used to it and I would be wary of him moaning half the day that he's weak from hunger and couldn't possibly change a nappy .

It's entirely possible that, like you said, he has decided to do this after the birth of your 2nd child and decided to give thanks for his family, but you know him better than anyone so you will know what his motives are.

Maybe I'm sceptical because of what you said about your relationship when your dd was born. Some men react in funny ways when babies come along - it doesn't mean the babies aren't loved or wanted but it's the responsibilty and sheer hard work that causes the panic!

I'm actually more surprised that he eats pork than doesn't fast tbh, but at the end of the day a person is born to parents of a particular faith, it's then up to the individual to decide whether they actually want to be or practice that faith, or choose another religion altogether.

Being a alcohol drinking, pork eating, non fasting muslim doesn't make him a bad person only a not so good muslim .

If it were me I would be a bit if my dh did this at this time. Of course I would wonder why.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2009 22:36

I find the first fast is the most difficult. Near the end of ramdan I guess ones stomach shrinks I dont miss food all that much.

And after ramadan I have ot remind myself I can eat.

I guess its a faith thing, if one is doing it as an act of worship, it's different from simply starving yourself for no reason or for dieting or something I guess.

The hunger pangs aren't so bad when one reminds oneself that at sunset I'll have whatever I want to eat and more, but there are people out there who's fast is never ending. It's a way of counting ones blessings I guess.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2009 22:38

Kimi you probably wouldn't be very ill actually. (unless you have health problems that would exempt you anyway) Lots of people get up before the first prayer, eat and drink and go back to bed. Then they get to eat again in the evening. It's not life threatening.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 22/08/2009 22:41

Thank you fuzzy, I am diabetic and take metformin (not insulin) bet I need to eat regularly and if I skip meals I get a bit unwell.

I do give up things for lent though (but that is not all food all day)

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 22/08/2009 22:45

Kat if I ate at 3am and not again till the evening I can assure you I would be quite unwell, and my mother who is insulin dependent would be very unwell as she has to inject 3 times a day after meals.

Heated · 22/08/2009 22:47

YABU. You must be supportive. Have you set his alarm clock for 3.45am in time for prayer?

If he's up he can feed the baby.

Nighbynight · 22/08/2009 22:54

lol. And dont forget to tell all your muslim friends, so that they all know hes fasting, then he cant get out of it

UndomesticHousewife · 22/08/2009 23:01

Say nothing more to him, if he's doing it for reasons other than religious ones then it won't last more than a couple of days, then all back to normal and chuck him the baby.

Just out of interest do his family fast or is he the only non religious one?

preciouslillywhite · 22/08/2009 23:06

IME some dads do this sort of thing ie come over All Religious after a birth even when previously they've had no idea where the nearest mosque/church is...

I had a very lapsed catholic friend who after his first daughter was born took her to mass every Sunday without fail.

I'd just put up with it sweetly and graciously. But then I'm that type

Deeeja · 22/08/2009 23:12

I don't think it is very important that he has been a pork-eating, alcohol guzzling, non observant muslim. All of these acts are individually forbidden or haram, but they are individual acts, they do not make him a bad muslim for the rest of his life. Allah is all-forgiving, all muslims believe this, and there is always a way back for every muslim who makes mistakes or commits sins.
I am now an observant muslim and have been for a number of years, but I was not always. I was not born into a muslim family, and have been a muslim for 24 years. In that time I have made lots of mistakes and commited many sins.I still make mistakes now, I am only human. If I didn't remember that Allah is forgiving, and will forgive me anything, then I would have lost my belief by now, may Allah save me from this.
As a muslim, I can not and will not judge the op's husband on his mistakes, and I do believe, as a muslim, that someone can turn around their behaviour over night, and Ramadhan is the perfect time for this. Infact, many muslims do this every year. Ramadhan is a special spiritual time and each day builds your relationship with God, strengthens it, and it gets easier and easier to withstand the pressures and temptations of human existence. It is more than just not eating and drinking, it is a mental and spiritual strengthening.

UpsyDaisyOne · 22/08/2009 23:20

ready2explode- this is just the sort of thing my dh would do. My advice would be to remain calm and just say 'that's nice dear' when he mentions it. Just proceed as normal in terms of expecting him to help with the baby etc. If he is anything like my dh he will make a big fuss about all the preparations for fasting, last about 2 hours and then you will catch him eating some KFC and he will say it was too hard because of the new baby and he will try again next year. If you don't get annoyed you save yourself a lot of stress. Also, if he persists I would make a fuss about calling some of his female friends/ relatives to come and help you because of the new baby and explain he is fasting. You should get some help and he might make a quicker decision about whether he really wants to see it through if he thinks everyone will know he is fasting. I do completely agree with those posters who say you should support your husband- of course you should and it sounds as if you do that. However, a wife also has the right to expect some stability and support after a birth, and a sudden change of direction in terms of religion, which adversely affects you is not something another woman should expect you to just accept without being annoyed/ frustrated

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2009 23:20

Yeah Kimi, that would exempt you. Like I said.

donkeyderby · 22/08/2009 23:29

It sounds like his fast may be not connected with his 'faith'. Perhaps he's suffering from the common male affliction of being freaked out at the birth of your baby, especially if he's got previous on this one. Maybe he needs to be left to get on with it and hopefully he'll come out the other side feeling more positive. Wouldn't he be grumpier if you try to stop him?

Btw, why doesn't he do his own Sainsbury's shop?

Highlander · 23/08/2009 10:12

go with it. 10 quid says he doesn't make it past the 2nd day

Original poster
ready2explode · 23/08/2009 11:12

haha Highlander you just won £10!

2nd day of ramadan and the fasting is over! I got breakfast in bed, which is just a way of waking me up I realise..but that's a whole other thread.. and I heard the kettle boiling and smiled (DH drinks tea)
I can't believe I was so easily duped into believing he would/ could really fast for 30 days.
I can see he really enjoyed his 1 day of fasting yeaterday and he felt it was sufficient! He did actually get up early with DD and took her to playground in the morning and on an epic walk to find the Halal shop in the afternoon. He then cooked 3 different dishes for his Iftar and warmedup samosas, ate a pile of dates and 3 plates of food and was very pleased with himself. I of course piled on the praise, how much I admired watching him fast and how impressed I was etc.. and he admitted that enjoyable as it was he probably wouldn't continue. I neutrally agreed that he'd done very well to manage a full day and he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. So he has patted himself on the back heartily, apparently to fast the first day is 'super suna(sp)' (I think his knowledge of the rules is all a bit hazy )
thanks for all your support!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/08/2009 11:49

Hahahahahahaha
what a pillock (said nicely). I don't think you get super sunna for only fasting one day, silly bugger. Maybe next year he can try two days, and he might make the whole month by the time he's 60

moondog · 23/08/2009 12:36

I reckon you have scored a lot of points just keeping schtum!

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 23/08/2009 12:38

lol at super-sunnah

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/08/2009 12:49

I bet he doesn't normally eat only halal either does he? How funny. Has he been spending time with more 'devout' friends? My DH gets his religion on every time he spends time with one friend who is far more observant than him. Usually lasts about 24 hours. He is always talking about how great he felt during the (3 month) period 5 years ago that he stopped alcohol and prayed 5 times a day and how he will start living like that again one day What he doesn't acknowledge is that he had recently broken up with his fiance and needed something like that. Oh well...I'll believe it when I see it...

Rosesinautumn · 24/08/2009 00:12

Lol! Well done you for holding your council (if I was of the inclination to start my own religion, keeping your gob shut when DH's have regressed to their infancy's would get an immediate free pass into heaven!! ) and actually well done to DH. None of us are mind readers and perhaps his intentions were totally honourable if a little over optimistic and even a days fasting is quite tough.

P.S as his grasp of Islam seems a little hazy you could try and convince him that serving hand and foot on his darling, most beutiful wife for 30 days is regarded as an equal substitute for fasting? I'm sure his knowledge of the Koran will come flooding back but it's worth a try.

MissSunny · 24/08/2009 03:54

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MissSunny · 24/08/2009 04:01

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Nighbynight · 24/08/2009 08:09

misssunny, perhaps because saadia has experience of doing ramadan (and is probably doing it right now), and knows that its not that big a deal?

Nighbynight · 24/08/2009 08:11

and I agree with firawla, one should support the religious observances of one's spouse. man or woman, what difference does it make?

Islam is a mainstream religion, millions of people are fasting and dont see it as weird or out of the way.

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