To be livid that DH has decided to fast this Ramadan??

[ready2explode]

Ok, I know immediately people will think I'm being unreasonable but first some background.
DH hasn't fasted since he was 15 (15 years ago), we have a newborn baby and toddler, I had caesarian and I'm struggling with BF. I feel like we have enough (on our plates...hah ha pardon the pun!) without the added stress of DH fasting.
Fasting will start at 3.45 am - 8.30pm, so no food or fluids throughout the day, waking up early for first prayer. DH will be exhausted and probably bad tempered and I just can't get over the craziness/ selfishness of him deciding to fast for the first bloody time now. I am angry too as I see it as a way of him taking some 'me time' he will basically be attempting to opt out of helping out at home. He works away for long periods but will be home until November now and I'm so mad that he's spoiling this special time we should be sharing and enjoying the new baby and helping toddler get used to new baby.
Also DH usually drinks alcohol, eats pork, doesn't even own a Quran or a prayer mat, no compass, not faintest idea which direction is Mecca and while I support his choice to become a better muslim any time he chooses I thinks he's being a total selfish arse to observe ramadan now when we need him.
I feel like telling him to piss off and stay with his mates and come back when it's over! Also his birthday's at beginning of September so I don't believe he'll let that pass with out drinking alcohol so he'll probably only fast for 2 weeks anyway so why bloody bother??!!! GRRRR!
I know this is an awful long rant but surely INBU??

[beanieb]

I don't want this quoted in the Daily Mail

I think YABU to be livid. I can understand how knackering it must be but you should support him and his relious choices. Maybe save the conversation about why he decided to do it now after all this time until after he has finished fasting?

[GooseyLoosey]

I can see that it has all ended well now and am glad for you all.

I disagree with the sweeping statements that you should support a spouse's religious observances irrespective of the impact that this has on the family. R2E's dh has duties and responsibilities. They have planned for this time and how they are going to handle it on the assumption that he would not be fasting. He is wrong to suddenly want to change the goal posts and do something which he has not done for 15 years. The OP is entitled to expect that family comes first and relgion (to the extent that it interferes with family) second.

[amidaiwish]

this thread is SO going to end up in the DM. right up their street!

[saadia]

MissSunny the reason I think the OP was BU is that fasting during Ramadan is compulsory for all healthy Muslims. If someone who I believed cared about me tried to prevent me from practising my faith I would find that very disturbing.

Regardless of how devout or otherwise the dp is, he was trying to observe his faith. Most people who fast do not lie around in bed moaning about how difficult it is. The whole point of it is to become closer to your faith and to be a better person.

The issue of the timing for me is irrelevant, fasting during Ramadan is not negotiable. People with children do fast and look after their children and work and fulfil their duties and obligations.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

MissSunny
I'm very sure that Firawla's opinion would apply equally if it were the husband who didn't want the wife to fast. Honestly. In Islam, men and women are equally responsible for maintaining their religion. Women are required to be equally as observant as men, and spouses are supposed to support each other's religious observance - it's in the marriage contract!
I think you are reading more into that post than is there.

[you]

I do think that spouses should support each other in their relighious choices, however as someone pointed out further up the thread, this is between him and God, not him and his wife.

I'm currently fasting and looking after a baby, it's not that big a deal!* Yes, it's hard at first, but you get on with it. If he was fasting for the right reasons, I doubt OP would be annoyed as it truely wouldn't really affect her. He should not use fasting as an excuse to duck out of his duties as a father and husband.

[MissSunny]

Message withdrawn

[Morloth]

I find this thread quite comforting really. So nice to know that Christian/Muslim/Atheist/whatever men are all the bloody same really.

"hmmmm, should I go to church/mosque/do yardwork etc or should I lie on the lounge watching something pointless?"

[SolidGoldBrass]

The only way to treat religion is as a hobby (that'w what it is, really, hobby/comfort zone/all-purpose excuse) and let people get on with whatever nonsense they fancy up and until it has a negative effect on others. For instance, not eating for superstitious reasons should be treated by other people in the same sort of way as going on those ridiculous weight-loss diets (that are another form of superstition really: the more complicated and uncomfortable, the more effective they are supposed to be) that make you weak and irritable and unwell.
That is, you say 'Do it if you want to but you still have to do everything else you would normally do ie your fair share of any work going.'

[littleducks]

Well while the ops dh fasting regime was unorthodox i just wanted to point out that fasting does not necessarily make you irritable/weak

I have been fasting and continueing as normal in day to day chores (as is everyone else i know for that matter) In fact i have been more patient but that is not linked to the not eating part of the month of Ramadhan but the religous aspects

[Morloth]

Doesn't fasting actually make you sharper? I am sure I read that somewhere, after a few days your brain really starts to operate at a heightened level. Which is probably why the whole fasting thing is done...

[fuzzywuzzy]

All I can say, to the comments about fasting making you sick etc.

If one is healthy to begin with, which is the criteria ie fasting in the month of ramadan is encumbent upon healthy adults. I can pretty much say that in all the years that I can remember, not a single one of my family members has dropped dead because of fasting!

None of us has stopped functioning as normal either, we tend to pack in more during ramadan, we carry out our usual duties and then ensure we participate in the additional prayers also.

Every religion has a some sort of fasting.

Fasting should not, and as far as I have seen is never used as a get out clause in daily life.

I don't even bother telling colleagues at work I am fasting, its no big deal, it's got nothing to do with my non-muslim friends and colleagues.

[ready2explode]

well i breathed that sigh of relief too soon, DH has returned to fasting today, day3.

I must admit that he did fine on Saturday and is very earnest about not ducking out of household and childcare duties. I'm still bit concerned that he might just do the minimum he can on auto pilot but we'll see.

I agree with what others have said, that ramadan and fasting shouldn't be a big deal and I do support my DH in everything he does and if he does manage to fast and be a good dad and husband I'll be very proud of him.

I was initially livid, due to our present situation and previous lack of support after ddd1 but I've calmed down a bit and I'll see how it goes. He's usually terribly irritable when tired and hungry which has been a really issue for us as dd1 was a terrible sleeper and I've had a difficult pregnancy, infection after c-section 2 weeks ago and now trying to keep on top of things. DH has tendancy to go into survival mode when tired and fight for his right to rest etc..

But also DH is the kind of guy who never reminds me that I've been moaning about my weight and pledging to adhere to a strict diet when I ask for a bar of chocolate.. so I'll not be judging him every day that he succeeds or fails to fast. I'm not in the slightest bit religious but I can see he truly wants to do this so I respect him for it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK R2E, maybe he can make a go of it and not become a total PITA: maybe you were initially grumpy about it because you, too, were already tired, irritable and feeling off colour. I think that it's fair enough for him to want to engage in superstitious silliness on his own time and for you to support him up to a point ie not take the piss but if he starts getting unbearable to live with and balking at his share of the work on the grounds that it's Spooks Week or whatever, then I think it's fair for you to ask to renegotiate.

[saadia]

r2e, I think that you are taking the right approach and it's great that despite your lack of religious belief you do respect your dh's efforts, which is something that not all people without belief are able to do.

[TheDMshouldbeRivened]

don't hold back there SGB, in your opinion of religions....

[eeyore2]

I don't usually venture out of my antenatal thread but wanted to comment here as I think this is such an interesting thread. I am not Muslim, rather I'm Jewish and a lot of Jewish people I know break almost every rule in the book, but still fast on Yom Kippur. It's just a deeply held gut feeling that they have from their families or childhoods and don't want to let go of. So it's not about 'hypocracy' but rather hanging on to a remnant of something from the past, just for a brief moment, even though you don't want to life your life as a fully committed religious person every day of the year. I wonder if your DH feels a little bit like this about Ramadan? That even though he loves his life as it is and doesn't have strong religious beliefs there is a more primal part of him yearning for his childhood / heritage that he wants to connect to right now, especially given all the feelings that an important lifecycle event like a new baby brings with it? That might tie in with the cultural aspects he seems to be reaching out for with the late night walks to Halal shops, cooking of traditional foods etc. I wonder if you started to see it in that context, whether you might be able to see it in a slightly warmer, fuzzier light

[Acinonyx]

Ah, SGB, I heartily concur

eeyore2 - this is indeed true - I have observed this myself in my family.

[Maria2007]

Yes it's true that following such rituals can have a lot to do with cultural issues & childhood issues rather than religious issues (in some cases). I also am not religious at all; have never been, not as a child, not now, and I can't imagine myself ever becoming religious (but who knows of course). However, I enjoy going to church on the saturday night before easter sunday (in the chirtian orthodox tradition that's a big event & even atheists may end up going to church). The same with other traditions that happen on the week which is the run-up to easter sunday.

I also enjoy the traditional christmas meal & easter meal (and other special meals like that) but I suspect that has more to do with the food than with any sense of religion or even culture .

As for the OP's post...it seems her DH is pulling his weight around the house & with the newborn, so that seems perfectly fine so far. It seems to me too that he's wanting to fast perhaps because having a new baby means a lot to him & he yearns for something having to do with childhood (I'm just speculating here!) So I would accept this & support it, as long of course as he continues helping around the house.

[TheDMshouldbeRivened]

It seems a bit odd to fast (and it can be uncomfortable) yet do nothing else as putting yourself through the fast isn't going to get you into heaven if you do nothing else. Is it?