To be livid that DH has decided to fast this Ramadan??

[ready2explode]

Ok, I know immediately people will think I'm being unreasonable but first some background.
DH hasn't fasted since he was 15 (15 years ago), we have a newborn baby and toddler, I had caesarian and I'm struggling with BF. I feel like we have enough (on our plates...hah ha pardon the pun!) without the added stress of DH fasting.
Fasting will start at 3.45 am - 8.30pm, so no food or fluids throughout the day, waking up early for first prayer. DH will be exhausted and probably bad tempered and I just can't get over the craziness/ selfishness of him deciding to fast for the first bloody time now. I am angry too as I see it as a way of him taking some 'me time' he will basically be attempting to opt out of helping out at home. He works away for long periods but will be home until November now and I'm so mad that he's spoiling this special time we should be sharing and enjoying the new baby and helping toddler get used to new baby.
Also DH usually drinks alcohol, eats pork, doesn't even own a Quran or a prayer mat, no compass, not faintest idea which direction is Mecca and while I support his choice to become a better muslim any time he chooses I thinks he's being a total selfish arse to observe ramadan now when we need him.
I feel like telling him to piss off and stay with his mates and come back when it's over! Also his birthday's at beginning of September so I don't believe he'll let that pass with out drinking alcohol so he'll probably only fast for 2 weeks anyway so why bloody bother??!!! GRRRR!
I know this is an awful long rant but surely INBU??

[ready2explode]

oops he's not an infidel then but he does take pleasure in shocking his friends and family by flouting the rules sometimes.
totally agree that anyone has the right to observe what they want when they want but the timing is all wrong this year

but actually as I write...DH is still lying on sofa watching sky sports even though he said 30 mins ago he would go to prayers at mosque at 1.10pm... maybe I'm worrying too much and his resolve is even less than I thought

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Can you ask him what the score is as I haven't got sky please?

Make sure you have lots of yummy food and drink, ready2explode, as you need them to have the energy to look after your children.

[PixiNanny]

Gently remind him about mosque, he shouldn't start slacking this early! ;)

Honestly, if he's suddenly had a revelation then he'd be doing it properly, it sounds more like he's trying to get out of home duties to me. Though saying that, maybe new baby has made him rethink his spirituality? Who knows, don't let it get to you and don't let him get out of his duties as a father! Remind him that in the Middle East people fast in weather a lot hotter than this and still manage to take care of their children

[KIMItheThreadSlayer]

Kat, the point is if you have a faith you have a faith the whole time.

If the man drinks alcohol and eats pork, and has not even got a copy of the koran, as well as not going to mosque and not knowing which way mecca is, he is hardly a devout follower of the Islamic faith is he.

I was discussing this with a Muslim friend not half an houe ago, and he as a Muslim finds this mans behavior offensive, as he is clearly (what my friend called) a bandwagon Muslim.

Must point out friend is gagging for a chocolate bar already

[diddl]

I would say let him do it-well, you can´t stop him-but it doesn´t mean he´s excused from any help that you need or that he would normally give.
Is he normally at work during this time,but this year he is at home?
In that way I would question that he is doing it this year as it is "easier" when not working.

[babynamesffs]

I think its lovely that some many people seem to believe he is doing it because for some reason he has just 'got religion'

It is a hell of a lot more likely he is being a lazy arse and reacting to new baby with his toddlerish attention seeking.

Please do come back and tell us how long he lasts, I would LOVE to be proved wrong here

[sherby]

sorry that post was me, namechanged for another thread

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

See Kimi - I'm a bit more forgiving than that. Very few people who are religious actually follow all the rules, or even most of them. I personally think it's up to the individual how much/little they want to do, does your friend, for example, give 5% of his material wealth to charity each year, and pray 5 times per day including at 3.45am? and if he doesn't, it doesn't make him any more or less muslim. My best friend is a christian, but she wasn't a virgin on marriage, she drinks, smokes, swears, and does all sorts of things that the NT proscribes. Should I tell her she is a hypocrite?

FWIW my DH thinks that ramadan is the minimum any muslim should do - he wouldn't judge anyone for not praying, for drinking, eating pork etc, but he would judge someone for not doing ramadan. I think a lot of muslims feel that way - so while we might think that it's a bit extreme to do ramadan while they eat pork etc...actually it's not a disconnect at all.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

But I agree that R2E's DH is unlikely to stick it out for very long. My DH loves ramadan, looks forward to it, has done it every year for about 23 years, but he still finds the first 3-5 days haaaaaard. Your DH is unlikely to get through it.

[Lizzylou]

I don't think for one moment that your DH will stick to the fast.

I know when ex-work colleagues were fasting it was really hard work for them. If he's missed Mosque already today I wouldn't worry.

If he'd suddenly felt the need to rediscover his faith and was 100% committed then fair enough, but it sounds like a tantrum to me.
You do need to try and find out why he feels he can act like another toddler now though.

[Rosesinautumn]

R2E my husband is fasting and today he has made my DS's both breakfast and lunch, tidied the kitchen and put some washing on because I'm preggers and have got gut rot at the moment. The challange of fasting is to be the best person you can be whilst under the strain of hunger and thirst, not opt out and play victim for a month. That said I think you do need to support your DH in his attempt to fast but do not, under any circumstances let him off the hook in the home. His duty to you remains the same and if he doesn't honour it then he is not really observing Ramadan anyway, regardless of how long he fasts for.

The sex thing is a load of tosh but frankly if I was you I'd me saying 'fine by me!' right now.

[Deeeja]

I have read some of this thread, so hope I don't upset you op, by repeating anything on this thread.
I think it is your dh's business if he wants to fast or not. However, I can not see that this means he does not have to help you with the children especially after a cs. It is part of his responsibility to you as your husband, that he should protect you from any potential harm, and that he should show you affection, he should look after you and his children. You should be his first priority, you need him, and whether or not he is fasting, to look after you and his children is part of his islamic duty. He can not use fasting as an excuse.
However, he can not leave the fasting if this causes difficulties for him. It is up to him to controll his irritability and moodiness, he should make effort to not be irritable during fasting. That is part of the experience of fasting.
My dh is fasting, I am not, but I am 35 weeks pregnant with 3 autistic sons, and he wouldn't leave me to cope so he can rest.
He can kiss, cuddle, and have sex with you when he opens his fast, you are his wife and he must keep you happy. It does not matter if you are not muslim. I don't know where he gets that from.
I think he is being a little childish about the food issue, he can eat anything to end his fast.
Take care,x.

[skihorse]

I don't have an opinion either way - but thank you for the biggest laugh I've had all day "not faintest idea which direction is Mecca"! In fact your entire first post had me howling!

[difficultdecision]

Just seconding what Roses and Deeja says above. Not going into the reasons or reasonableness of him fasting or not as that is a personal thing for him but it IS unreasonable for him not to help out, shirk his other duties etc while fasting and is not in the spirit of the fast at all.

I am not fasting this year, have a toddler and am 18 weeks pregnant and suffering. This afternoon he is taking DS to the park while I can stay at home and rest (+ eat some chocolate ). He made me breakfast in bed this morning as I still get morning sickness and has just made and fed DS lunch and done the ironing.

[SomeGuy]

I know lots of Muslims, some more devout than others, and only the most hopelessly lapsed would dream of eating pork, which is strictly haram. Fasting is, on the other hand, practised by the most devout.

Why is this? Not eating pork is a lot easier than not eating for 18 hours a day. Plus if you are a Muslim, you will likely have avoided eating pork your whole life, whereas you couldn't avoid eating food.

And as for the 'no sex' bit, he is clearly attention-seeking. No man would do that otherwise.

Very childish.

[TheDMHatesMe]

"I think its lovely that some many people seem to believe he is doing it because for some reason he has just 'got religion'

It is a hell of a lot more likely he is being a lazy arse and reacting to new baby with his toddlerish attention seeking"

Agree with this, I'm afraid.

Also at him asking YOU to find out the location of the mosque and times of prayer. What a baby.

Good luck with BF, by the way.

[ready2explode]

in DH's defence a person is born muslim, he simply is, whether a 'good or a bad one' in terms of following the rules. I think his faith and his own relationship with god is his own affair entirely. I'm totally without the religion gene. But I totally support that he can eat or drink anything he likes and pray however he wants, he doesn't really have to justify his reasons for wanting to fast even to me but I just hope that if he sees that he's not able to carry on as normal whilst fasting he'll stop and leave it till next year.

Hmm I must really be calming down! I'm kind of over the shock and totally doubt he'll keep it up but in the meantime I'm kind of regarding him like a child who'll just become more obstinate and determined if cornered.
I'll try and talk to him tonight but I suppose I just have to hope he'll do his best even while his fasting

[moondog]

Did he ever get to the mosque then today?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh yes and save any important conversations til evening when he has eaten something!

[MorrisZapp]

Another one who suspects lazy arse syndrome over religious zeal.

Let us know how long he lasts!

[ready2explode]

ha ha no he let himself fall asleep in front of the tv then went upstairs for a lie down, he's now out with dd at least on a search for a halal shop, to buy dates and god knows what.
And tomorrow's sunday lunch is off!

[Mumcentreplus]

...fasting is something personal but does not absolve him from normal husband and parental duties...not cool to try to admonish a person because they decide to start practicing their faith no matter what you expect their reason is...are you muslim?

[ready2explode]

kat2907- will do but I know he'll probably konk out early too and he'd better not wake us all up prowling around for food in the early hours!

I really think it's a mixture of religious zeal and lazy arse syndrome. He's missed going to the pub to watch the footie today which is more significant than missing the mosque, for him. So I take that as a sign that he may be quite determined!

Like I said in OP I can see he's enjoying a bit of 'me time' and I'll be ready to pour on the praise of how well he did if he gives it up tomorrow

he's just called from the halal shop, wants me to research online recipe ingredients for some dishes he recalls from his childhood, told him I'm way too busy right now to sit and use the internet

[Mumcentreplus]

ready have you spoken to him about how you feel..not perhaps his motives..but the help you need as his wife who has 2 small children..

[ready2explode]

just reread messages again, thanks esp. Roses, Deeja and theDM. I do want to support DH, I would be totally in awe if he managed to fast the whole month and stay the same sane DH I need and love. Time will tell...