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AIBU?

To be livid that DH has decided to fast this Ramadan??

120 replies

ready2explode · 22/08/2009 11:45

Ok, I know immediately people will think I'm being unreasonable but first some background.
DH hasn't fasted since he was 15 (15 years ago), we have a newborn baby and toddler, I had caesarian and I'm struggling with BF. I feel like we have enough (on our plates...hah ha pardon the pun!) without the added stress of DH fasting.
Fasting will start at 3.45 am - 8.30pm, so no food or fluids throughout the day, waking up early for first prayer. DH will be exhausted and probably bad tempered and I just can't get over the craziness/ selfishness of him deciding to fast for the first bloody time now. I am angry too as I see it as a way of him taking some 'me time' he will basically be attempting to opt out of helping out at home. He works away for long periods but will be home until November now and I'm so mad that he's spoiling this special time we should be sharing and enjoying the new baby and helping toddler get used to new baby.
Also DH usually drinks alcohol, eats pork, doesn't even own a Quran or a prayer mat, no compass, not faintest idea which direction is Mecca and while I support his choice to become a better muslim any time he chooses I thinks he's being a total selfish arse to observe ramadan now when we need him.
I feel like telling him to piss off and stay with his mates and come back when it's over! Also his birthday's at beginning of September so I don't believe he'll let that pass with out drinking alcohol so he'll probably only fast for 2 weeks anyway so why bloody bother??!!! GRRRR!
I know this is an awful long rant but surely INBU??

OP posts:

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LaDiDaDi · 22/08/2009 16:52

I think that YABU to object to him fasting but not at all U to object to himtrying touse it as a reason to get out of being a good and considerate husband and father. I cannot imagine that that is the act of a good Muslim.

I often work with Muslim colleagues who fast during Ramadam and I've never noticed them trying to get out of demanding work because of it, only, totally understandably, ensuring that they have a break as soon as fasting is over so that they can eat asap.

ready2explode · 22/08/2009 16:53

we talked a bit yesterday, he agreed he would endeavor to carry on as normal but that it might be hard for him as the first time he's fasted in 15 years and that he might not be able to do as much as he should around the house or with dc's.. which just made me see red hence the thread!

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 22/08/2009 16:58

Well it's good you spoke to him about it..and things may not be the way he or you expect..I understand the reason for the thread and advise you to be as supportive as you would expect from him..be honest about your fears and expectations and see what happens goodluck

SolidGoldBrass · 22/08/2009 17:09

Yes, this is attention seeking selfish crap on his part. But this is one of the reasons why a lot of people like superstition: it provides so many excuses for getting out of stuff you don't want to do. This bloke will probably be sneaking off for pork pies half the time anyway and just clutching his brow and saying he feels a prayer coming on should his poor DW actually need him to change a nappy or put the bins out.

zippy539 · 22/08/2009 17:24

What do you think his reaction would be if you told him that you've decided to join him in the fast as a sign of solidarity possibly with a view to conversion...? Starting today.

That might be illuminating - one way or another.

Mumcentreplus · 22/08/2009 17:24

SGB he can still do both those things whilst fasting!.you can work whilst fasting and prayer is 5 times not 50!..I don't think it's a fair comment..it will just be riling DW up and shes already angry...

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2009 17:26

Tell him Muslim people fast all the time, and continue to function as per normal too. We hold down jobs, take care of our children, and manage to have a perfectly good sex life between sunset and dawn!

It would be funny if wasn't a for real!

SolidGoldBrass · 22/08/2009 17:41

MCP: While I think the whole idea of fasting is totally ludicrous anyway (I find all religion daft and pointless if not actively harmful) I appreciate that people have the right to do whatever wierd pointless crap they want as long as they don't inconvenience others by doing so. I am sure lots of people who fast as a personal choice just get on with it and don't weasel out of their fair share of work (though I expect there's probably one in every workplace who has to make a massive palaver about the fact that it's holy weekend/fortnight/whatever and therefore s/he will be up to Important Special Stuff and must be made allowances for).
ANd it does seem extremely likely that the OP's H is basically stamping his ickle foot and performing, because he wants her to run round after him as well as llooking after her newborn.

Mumcentreplus · 22/08/2009 17:51

Well you explained it SGB ..you think fasting is ludicrous and so your comments are coloured by this..as I said he cannot use fasting as an excuse not to perform his normal duties as a husband and father...and what someone finds important and I do not does not give me the right to disrespect them or their choices there are some things people openly practice that I find ludricrous and foolish but ultimately i want help OP not just express my feelings on religious observance..if he is pulling a fast one then it will be revealed in time

desertgirl · 22/08/2009 18:27

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2009 18:36

Where do you live desertgirl? I dont think anywhere in the UK has legal allowances for Muslims during Ramadan!

I try to book my annual holiday to coincide with the end of ramadan, except this year Ramadan falls during a very busy period at work, so I wont take time off.

desertgirl · 22/08/2009 18:45

in the desert... UAE.

Nighbynight · 22/08/2009 19:15

I personally dont like fasting (come from a protestant background!), but you cant argue with his conscience. Dig deep, and support him.

Nighbynight · 22/08/2009 19:18

someguy - thats not true. ex h was a lapsed muslim, and according to him, loads of muslims eat pork/drink alcohol/dont pray. Ramadan is the last thing they give up.

Acinonyx · 22/08/2009 19:26

Half my family are muslim and I lived/worked in muslim countries for 7 years. Ramadan.....well, you really hoped nothing serious needed to be done during that time as work gound to a halt and tempers were short. It certainly was not business as usual. And then there's the vast qunatities of food eaten by some during the night ....

It's hopeless to argue with religion (although I am with SGB here all the way) but YANBU to be rather suspect given the history and timing. Is this a taste of things to come? I've seen many men go back to thier roots in a big way when children come along.

SomeGuy · 22/08/2009 21:41

that wasn't my experience living in a mostly Muslim country. Most did not take part in the faff & effort of ramadan, and you wouldn't be socially snubbed for not observing. But eating pork was beyond the pale, people wouldn't do it.

Of course pork is far more pervasive in the UK, so attitudes may well be different.

sherby · 22/08/2009 21:48

My old boss was a miserable bastard at the best of times, during ramadan he would actively seek out people to rip to shreds and we all knew to keep a bloody wide berth of him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2009 21:54

Someguy
I don't know where you lived, but in Morocco, a moderate muslim country, everyone fasts, the only people in cafes are tourists, in fact a cafe will not serve a moroccan. Of course, nobody eats pork either. Pork is far more taboo than alcohol for some reason.

FairyMum · 22/08/2009 22:00

Most of the muslims I know stuff their faces with pizza all night long during Ramadan anyway, so don't see the point at all.

hf128219 · 22/08/2009 22:12

I find this thread very interesting. I am not muslim, I am catholic.

I do think the OP's dh is being unreasonable.

Where in is life does he practise Islam?

Nighbynight · 22/08/2009 22:19

someguy, if they didnt eat pork and didnt do ramadan, they may have been jewish. yes, I have met jewish people living in muslim countries who pass as muslims.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 22/08/2009 22:26

Question (bit of a side thought) what if you are a devout Muslim and you do fast but you are diabetic???

How does it effect blood sugar?
What if you are on insulin?

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hf128219 · 22/08/2009 22:27

There must be dispensations - surely.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2009 22:29

Kimi you aren't required to fast if it will affect your health. It would be unwise for a diabetic to fast. Pregnant women, children, the elderly, menstruating women, people with health problems, people on long journeys are all not required to fast.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 22/08/2009 22:29

I could not go for hours and hours without eating without being very ill,

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