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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit gutted my baby stuff has not been used?

44 replies

allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:25

I have 2 boys, not having any more.
Gave ALL my baby stuff to my sister when she had a baby boy 7 months ago.
She is not rolling in money and thanked me lots, said she really appreciated it etc.
BUT baby has never worn ANY of the stuff I gave her. In the whole 7 months he has only ever worn a popper vest or a sleepsuit.
None of the stuff I gave her is fancy jeans or anything, all nice and soft and comfy, jerset shorts, T shirts and romper suits etc.
All lovely condition and good quality.
A lot of it outgrown now and not used.
I mentioned once that if there was anything she didnt think they would use, now or in the future etc then I'd like it back to pass on to my friend who could use it, but nothing came back and all gone in her loft for 'the next one'. If she does have another boy, I dont see why that one would wear it all when this one hasnt!
I know it sounds bitchy, but I just feel a bit sad it hasnt been used. I could have sold it all for a fair bit of money, but really would rather my nephew had use of it all in preference.
AIBU to think that they could have at least dressed him in some of it on the odd occasion when they see me?

OP posts:
notanumber · 20/08/2009 13:29

How do you know that your newphew has never worn any of it, allaboutme?

Is it not possible that he wears your son's stuff when you're not around to see it?

I know that I always used to deck my son out in his "best" gear when we were visiting people. Maybe that's what your sister is doing, and then dresses him in your handmedowns for everyday.

jumpingbeans · 20/08/2009 13:32

Were the birthdates around the same time, as what happens is, winter stuff in small sizes no good for summer baby and the other way round, so not much can be worn, perhaps she thinks the next one might have a better chance of it fitting

Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:32

every time i have seen him, and in all photos i have seen, and every time my mum see's him (a couple of times a week) he has been wearing a popper vest. or if a bit cooler he wears a sleepsuit.
if he wears those when out visiting etc then i cant imagine he wears the clothes i gave for everyday....

OP posts:
Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:33

my youngest ds is exactly 1 year older than hers so same time of year

my ds's are 2.5years apart so i had to buy lots of new stuff for ds2 with the different seasons - its a pain isnt it!

OP posts:
MrsBadger · 20/08/2009 13:34

yabu

popper vests and sleepsuits are much easier than anything else anyway
and you gave it to her because you didn't want it, not because you'd spent lots of time and/or money choosing lovely new things just for her

if you really do have someone else who want it ask for it back though - say you feel bad about it taking up all that room in her loft

ABitBatty · 20/08/2009 13:36

So what? This is the risk you take when you give stuff away. Get over it or ask for it back.

belgo · 20/08/2009 13:38

YABU.

If you give something to someone you need to give it without putting conditions on it.

I've been given loads of stuff from friends and family, and I would be very annoyed if any of them asked for it back because much of the stuff I didn't want in the first place but they practically forced me into taking it, and secondly I have no idea who has given me what.

Sleepsuits and popper vests for the first few months sounds very sensible to me.

diddl · 20/08/2009 13:41

But if she really hasn´t used it, why would she bother tokeep it "for the next one".
But if you really would like it for your friend, ask for it back.

Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:42

I know popper vests are easier. Thats why I feel a bitch for saying it.
But I didnt give her the stuff just because I didnt want it. I thought quite carefully about it and decided that the money I would make from selling it matters less than the money I could save my sister by giving it to her.
I did say when I gave it to her that its hers to keep if she wants it, but if there is any of it she wouldnt use then I'd appreciate it back as I could sell it instead or pass to a friend.
When I mentioned again about anything outrown and no longer wanted, she said its in the loft, so cant really ask again.
Just wish it had been useful really.

OP posts:
notanumber · 20/08/2009 13:44

So your nephew doesn't wear "outfits" as such? Just babygrows?

Well, sounds like your sister prefers babies in onsies and not miniture adult clothes. Therefore, the outfits you gave her are not being used because that isn't how she chooses to dress him.

I wouldn't take that personally if it were me. It's not like he wears loads of outfits and she is rejecting yours specifically.

As another poster said, just ask for them back if there is someone who will use them you can pass them onto. If not, just let it go. Honestly, there's bigger things to worry about.

MrsBadger · 20/08/2009 13:44

I expect it back I certainly let them know before giving, and only do it with close family

a lot goes as soon as dd's outgrown it and returns immediately her cousin (6m younger) has outgrown it.

belgo · 20/08/2009 13:46

allaboutme - you sound like you thought you were doing her the biggest favour by passing these clothes on, and now you are annoyed because you think your favour hasn't been appreciated.

Your posting name really is rather appropriate!

doggiesayswoof · 20/08/2009 13:50

It is a bit strange that she won't just give you it back. Maybe she's putting you off because she doesn't actually have it any more?

YAB a little bit U - ultimately it's up to her whether to use stuff she's given and how to dress her baby.

I got loads of baby outfits from my cousin and hardly used them for DS - he was in vests and sleepsuits for about 6 months.

Then I gave all the baby stuff to charity because it was taking up too much room

notanumber · 20/08/2009 13:51

allaboutme, this is clearly bothering you.

Why not just say to your sister (lightly, in a non-loaded way), "I've noticed that Nephew never wears any of his cousin's clothes that I gave you. Were they not your cup of tea? It's not a problem, but if they're not being used I'd really like to pass them on to my friend."

At least then you'll know exactly why they aren't being worn, rather than fretting about possible slights. She'll probably have an explanation that you're perfectly happy with and then you can stop worrying about it. Even if you don't like her answer, you'll then at least be a position to ask for the clothes back.

I think you're making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill here, but I know it's not for me to judge. If it's playing on your mind, just ask her.

KnickKnack · 20/08/2009 13:55

I had a similar problem...the baby clothes I passed on to a good friend were immaculate but were never used simply because they were not from "good enough shops". The only clothes she used were the few things from next etc.
Having learnt my lesson, I now only pass on clothes which I think she might use. The rest go to 2 neighbours who definitely appreciate them more.

Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:56

Well I thought it WAS quite a big favour tbh.
Could have done with the money from selling it, but honestly thought she would save more than I would gain from selling and really wanted to do a nice thing.
I clearly said to her that I'd understand if she didnt like some of it or didnt need it all etc and that he could take her pick of what to keep. Anything she wanted I said to do what she wants with - if it gets ruined or passed on then all fine but if she did find some of it not useful at all then I'd apprciate it back.
She took most of it (2 car boot fulls of baby clothes and equipment!) and I just feel a little sad that it obviously wasnt very useful after all.

OP posts:
KnickKnack · 20/08/2009 13:57

if you use a similar method to me, you are left with 3 happy friends (who have all received a few things they will use) as opposed to 1 friend who is overwhelmed with a load of clothes she doesn't really want/need.

Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 13:59

notanumber - dont worry, its not playing on my mind
Just was reminded of my nephew this morning when received a pic (in popper vest!) and thought I'd see what MN thought about it all...
doesnt obssess honestly, just a passing thought when I see him in a popper vest

OP posts:
Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 14:01

Thats a good idea Knick Knack... will bear that in mind for next lot of outgrown things

OP posts:
elliott · 20/08/2009 14:05

I can understand why you feel sad and a bit disappointed - it is nice to see someone else making use of things you loved.
Maybe she thought she would use it, but then it turned out she preferred to just put him in vest and sleepsuit? You don't always know what kind of parent you're going to be until it happens...
I would just try and find someone who will use the stuff for your next lot of hand me downs.

Original poster
allaboutme · 20/08/2009 14:08

you're right. and very sensible.
i think i am in a ranty mood today and when i thought of this it was 'and another thing...' that is annoying me today
of course it doesnt really matter at all

OP posts:
lal123 · 20/08/2009 14:18

my BIL gave me some of his DDs clothes for my DD when she was little. They were hideous - but I couldn't possibly have said "sorry - theya re hideous, there's no way on this earth DD is wearing them". Wouldn't have thoguht to give them back - that would have been admitting they were hideous and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

You gave the clothes away (for whatever reason), it's not up to you what happens with them now

JemL · 20/08/2009 14:23

I was given quite a lot of clothes by a friend when DS was born - there was a heatwave when he was a few weeks old, and consequently a lot of the "outfits" went unworn as he spent a lot of time in just vests. Also some outfits had quite tight waistbands, etc, and he was a fairly big baby, so I didn't think they were comfortable for hot weather. I did feel guilty though that lots went unworn, and I passed them onto someone else, so that they got use out of them. Maybe your sister feels bad too, and that is why she is saying she is hanging on to them for the next child - so you know it isn't becuase she secretly hates them!

WidowWadman · 20/08/2009 14:23

Re the giving stuff back: I totally lost the overview of who has handed me down what so I don't think I could give stuff back if I wanted to.

zipzap · 20/08/2009 16:45

Guess it is easy for her to think that you have given stuff to her whereas you think you have lent stuff to her... tricky because you both feel like you are the one in the right and the other one is being unreasonable.

For what it's worth, I don't think YABU; just that maybe next time things need to be clarified in advance.

Does she use the equipment you lent her as well as the clothes? Could you steel yourself and say 'I know it is inconvenient for you but it is inconvenient for me too - you know I had promised my friend she could borrow my stuff when you had finished with it and then you know how things are, money bit tight etc, I need to sell it ready for buying more stuff now that the boys are getting older.'

See how she reacts - do you think there is any chance that she has sold the stuff herself?

If she says it is difficult to get out of the loft, then volunteer to be there to look after her ds while she/her husband get the stuff out of the loft. A pain for you I know, but then you would at least get it back.

How much longer until your friend is due - what is the urgency? Can you remind her every time you see her and ring her up every friday night /day before you & she have a free day to be able to sort the stuff out.

Tell her directly that, if she has another one and you haven't sold it, then she is welcome to borrow it again. BUT you have promised it to your friend and she is putting you in a very difficult position that you need to sort out. If she dodges the question more than a couple of times, ask her directly if she is refusing to give you back all the baby stuff that you lent to her and why this is as you don't think it is fair, and please could you have some money for it as she is not keeping to your agreement (as you will otherwise have to go out and buy some more stuff having promised it to other friend).

good luck, be brave and let us know how you get on. (remember to practice this discussion in your head several times before you have it so it is not too bad, making sure you have answers to all her possible different replies!)