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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another wedding problem!

45 replies

hobhey · 18/08/2009 15:36

Hi any suggestions what i can do with this? Here goes I have been married to a lovely man for eleven years. He has been married before and has a couple of grown up daughters. We have a six year old girl who they both love and spend a lot of time with.
We all get on fine and are all going away abroad together next year. The ex wife and my husband dont particularly like eacother but speak when needed, we have said hello on the odd occasion.
One daughter has announced she is getting married in 2 years, she is having 2 bridesmaids, her proper sister and a friend.
When she told us that her half sister wasnt going to be bridesmaid she said it was so her mum wouldnt be upset, i have asked her to ask her mum because she may not mind but i have a feeling nothing will change.

I am assuming i wont be invited and am fine with that but by the time my daughter is eight she will fully see that one sister is bridesmaid and she isnt!
Of course at the moment she thinks she will be!

I am so upset that my daugter who is the innocent party is goi8ng to be gutted, any thoughts if i can suggest anything?

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 18/08/2009 15:38

Maybe you can tell your daughter that her sister only wants grown up bridesmaids

Original poster
hobhey · 18/08/2009 15:41

Yep I suppose thats my only option at the moment, it doesnt stop me being hurt about it thiough!(sad)

OP posts:
pooka · 18/08/2009 15:42

Agree that is worthwhile talking about it casually now - along the lines of "you might not be a bridesmaid because sometimes grown-ups only have grown-up bridesmaids". YOu don't want it to be a surprise or a shock when the time comes.

However, I do think that it would be a shame if she wasn't a flowergirl or something. But if will cause resentment or upset then not worth creating about.

Elliegant · 18/08/2009 15:50

What a sad situation, I really feel for your DD. If your stepdaughter is close to you all and as you say spends time with your DD surely she should be able to explain to her mother that she would like her youngest sister as a bridesmaid also. I think you are being incedibly understanding and generous when you say that you are fine with not being invited. I have been a step mom for 7 years and know that I would be gutted in the future if the stepdaughter I love and care for was to exclude me. I really hope this can be resolved and that it can be a happy day for all.

wilkos · 18/08/2009 15:51

i can see why you're upset, honestly. completely agree with lifeinagoldfishbowl over how to deal with your duaghters feelings. sounds very sensible

BUT

I am amazed just how many women come on here complaining that their dd's have a divine right to be bridesmaids at family members weddings. she doesnt HAVE to have your dd as bridesmaid. and that is her decision not yours. you have that choice on your own wedding day so why should you wish to make demands on other womens wedding days.

fwiw i have a dd.

Original poster
hobhey · 18/08/2009 15:58

yes wilkos you are absolutely right, its just i know how sad she will be, and that upsets me x

OP posts:
Roomfor2 · 18/08/2009 15:59

I don't think it sounds like a demand or a right to be a bridesmaid, more the unbalance between one sister and the other.

I can understand why you (OP) are upset and think you step-daughter is being a bit unfair. But perhaps she secretly does only want grown up bridesmaids, and is trying to spare feeling by using her mother as an excuse?

If not and it really is about the mother, then the mother should grow up and realise that your DD is an innocent child and her daughter's half-sister, and does not represent anything for her to get annoyed over.

I would talk to the bride and see if that is the real reason.

wilkos · 18/08/2009 16:06

I would just let it go if I were you. for whatever reason she isnt going to have your dd as bridesmaid at the moment, she might change her mind or she might not, 2 years is quite a while till the actual event!

I have a dss, so I know how tricky the stepmum/ stepkids relatonship can be. at the end of the day your dsd's mums feelings and opinions (no matter how infuriating/ crazy they may be) are the priority for your dsd over yours, which tbh is how it should be.

feel sad for your dd tho, doesnt stop you from buying a fabulous dress for her however!

Original poster
hobhey · 18/08/2009 16:06

Interesting roomfor2 i hadnt thought about her maybe really only wanting adults hmmm will have to find out thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
hobhey · 18/08/2009 16:07

wilkos fabulous dress i like that!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
wasabipeas · 18/08/2009 16:16

I think you just have to let her have her own way on this.
Assuming you have a good relationship with her, you getting bulshy with her over what you want for her daughter is only going to drive a wedge between you (and your DD) at a time when she will be bonding more with her mother.
Buy your daughter a really fabulous dress, make sure the two of you get your hair done on the morning, and also make sure your DH asks the photographer to take an 'official' photograph of all the sisters together

Roomfor2 · 18/08/2009 16:27

Well, just a thought, but you never know.

Personally I think there is nothing cuter than a little girl for a bridesmade!

DesperateHousewifeToo · 18/08/2009 16:36

Is their mum re-married too, or in a relationship?

Could your dh not mention in passing, next time he talks to his ex-w that he is worried that their daughter is already feeling pressure to make decisions about her wedding so as not to upset either of them.

Perhaps they can agree to a pact that their daughter should be told by both of them that she should be free to make whatever choices she wants without worrying about her parents being upset.

beanieb · 18/08/2009 16:42

IMO it's up to the bride who she chooses. I thik that your daughter might benefit from learning that these things happen and there's no automatic right to be a bridesmaid.

I don't think you should personally be hurt to be honest and all you need to do is explain to your daughter that she only wants two and she's chosen older bridesmaids.

MorrisZapp · 18/08/2009 16:43

I don't get this. When I was a kid I had absolutely no idea about bridesmaids or who was supposed to be one. Why would a child of 6 or so have any say in or knowlege of the process of choosing a wedding party?

I'm sure kids of 6 ask for things all the time and don't get them, isn't this just one of those instances.

Who is going around filling little girls minds with bridesmaid fantasies and knowlege of who is supposed to be chosen?

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but it just sounds to me that it is your disappointment and not your child's. What do kids know about wedding etiquette.

beanieb · 18/08/2009 16:43

and whatever you do RE the fab dress, don't get her anything too bridesmaidy or it'll look like you're trying to muscle in!

Nancy66 · 18/08/2009 16:52

I think it's far more off that she might not invite YOU to the wedding.

Original poster
hobhey · 18/08/2009 16:54

yes i agree with everyone really and it is probably me who is the most sad at mo, but 2 sisters and only 1 a bridesmaid! oh well sigh ! thankyou for all your thouights XX

OP posts:
diddl · 18/08/2009 16:54

Sounds as if you are the one who wants her to be a bridesmaid.
I don´t think you should be asking the bride to check with her mum, either, essentially asking her to choose between her own mum& your daughter.
This sort of thing will happen when you are a "second" family.
However, since you are married to the brides father, I would expect both you & your daughter to be invited in that capacity.

beanieb · 18/08/2009 16:55

yeah- why wouldn't she invite you, as her father's partner, to the wedding - seems a little odd if things are polite between you and her mum.

moondog · 18/08/2009 16:56

I agree whole heartedly Morris.
Well said.

Laquitar · 18/08/2009 16:59

I too think that you are the one who is upset and not your dd.

There is big age gap between your dd and the bridesmaid and children usually only get antagonist with other children of similar age. This isn't a drama and your dd isn't a victim.

sayithowitis · 18/08/2009 17:01

I do agree that it is entirely the prerogative of the bride to choose how many bridesmaids and who they are to be. But I do think it is mean to exclude a younger sister in these circumstances. FWIW, when I got married, I insisted that my Dad's new partner and their son were included. My half-brother was too old to be a page boy, but he was still made to feel important by being an usher. My Dad and his partner had been together about the same length of time as the OP and her DH. As far as I was concerned they were a couple and they were treated as such!(Despite my Mum's wishes)

Secondly, I still remember now, the very real hurt I felt when my Dad's sisters got married when I was about 6- 9 years old and not one of them wanted either my sister or me as a bridesmaid. We were the only grandchildren in the family so it wasn't as though there would have been hundreds of us. But we weren't wanted and it did hurt! So I can fully understand that this little girl is going to be upset at not being a special part of her big sister's wedding.

Roomfor2 · 18/08/2009 17:06

Morris et al - I think the issue is that one sister is being asked to be bridesmaid but not the other.

It is the unfairness that will hurt.

gagamama · 18/08/2009 17:15

I think dictating to your DSD how she should be organising her wedding (which you probably won't even be attending) is being wildly unreasonable. I'm sure she has more than one friend in the same way that she has more than one sister, so the "2 sisters and only 1 a bridesmaid" comment is unfounded really. Being a bridesmaid isn't simply an excersise in choosing your favourite people to look pretty and pose in photos, it's about choosing the people you want to support you through your wedding preparations, hen night, wedding day and into married life.

I also think YABU to allow her to think she is going to be a bridesmaid when you know she isn't. If she'd been set straight from the beginning, it wouldn't have even been an issue.

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