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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

another wedding problem!

45 replies

hobhey · 18/08/2009 15:36

Hi any suggestions what i can do with this? Here goes I have been married to a lovely man for eleven years. He has been married before and has a couple of grown up daughters. We have a six year old girl who they both love and spend a lot of time with.
We all get on fine and are all going away abroad together next year. The ex wife and my husband dont particularly like eacother but speak when needed, we have said hello on the odd occasion.
One daughter has announced she is getting married in 2 years, she is having 2 bridesmaids, her proper sister and a friend.
When she told us that her half sister wasnt going to be bridesmaid she said it was so her mum wouldnt be upset, i have asked her to ask her mum because she may not mind but i have a feeling nothing will change.

I am assuming i wont be invited and am fine with that but by the time my daughter is eight she will fully see that one sister is bridesmaid and she isnt!
Of course at the moment she thinks she will be!

I am so upset that my daugter who is the innocent party is goi8ng to be gutted, any thoughts if i can suggest anything?

OP posts:

Original poster

hobhey · 18/08/2009 17:25

hi there, we have only just been told, so the decision to tell her hasnt been made yet and she hasnt been told she will be a bridesmaid anyway, but by the time she is eight she obviously will realise her sisiter is and she isnt
No one is dictating to the bride but i can still be sad x

OP posts:

bigchris · 18/08/2009 17:30

have i got this right, tge wedding is in two years? and your worrying now? anything could happen btw now and then, they might elope, call off the wedding etc etc
i really wouldnt worry

LG1000 · 18/08/2009 17:37

Having the experience of negotiating between divorced parents, new partners and half siblings I can totally understand your step daughter's decision. But I really don't think it is a reflection of how much she loves your daughter.

If she is anything like me, she will be sick with worry that any bad feeling between her parents might spoil her big day and she will want to do all she can to keep them both happy. It might sound selfish, but it's difficult to understand unless you have been caught in the middle like that.

This is sad for your daughter. But all children are going to face disappointment from time to time, and as parents we need to teach them how to cope with the various disappointments they are going to face throughout their lives. If you make a big deal of it, I suspect it will make your daughter feel worse.

FWIW, it's worth remembering that your daughter is very lucky to have two parents who love her and love one another. That is worth so much more than any unfairness between siblings.

diddl · 18/08/2009 18:58

But it´s not as if the bride has grown up in the same house as your daughter as a sister, is it?

Be grateful that all the stepsisters get on and that your stepdaughters have accepted you.
At the end of the day, you´ve had your wedding and done what you wanted.

This day is not about your daughter.

pooexplosions · 19/08/2009 08:36

They aren't stepsisters they aer half sisters, completely different.
I have to agree though with the posters who say you are making too big a deal about this. 1) its 2 years away..a very long time away.
2) the bride can do as she likes, she might be telling the truth, it might be an excuse for not having a child bridesmaid. Or she might really be looking after her mothers feelings, she is obviously important to her.
3) You need to make sure its not you who makes your DD upset, by projecting your sense of hurt onto her. She might not be the slightest interested or bothered by not being bridesmaid.
4) You see it as one sister being favoured over the otherm, but one his her full sister who she grew up with and presumably is friends with and shared a chilhood with, the other is a half sister who is presumably 20 years younger and although loved, is not the same thing. They may be treated differently because they are different.

piscesmoon · 19/08/2009 08:51

I think it would help a lot if people didn't assume that little girls will be bridesmaids for close family. I would just say that she is only having grown up bridesmaids. I think it is far more upsetting that OP should be excluded from the wedding.

diddl · 19/08/2009 08:55

I would say nothing unless your daughter mentions it.
And try not to ask your husband to persuade his daughter!

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2009 14:23

It's not as simple as 'one sister gets to be BM but the other doesn't. One of the sisters is an adult, the other is a child!

I would understand if both were little girls but one is a grown up, and will presumably be a proper BM in the sense of organising hen night, making speech etc while little girl BM is for fun and window dressing only.

Also again I agree that they aren't sisters who grew up in the same house so no doubt they are well used to not sharing everything, getting the same in everything etc as they have different mums anyway.

Why does a 6 year old even have to know that her big sister is BM? It's not like she'll be wearing a sign. There is loads for kids to get excited about at weddings, focus on all that and don't worry about who gets labelled what.

TheProfiteroleThief · 19/08/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hobhey · 19/08/2009 15:48

would it make a difference if i told you that we are having to pay 10 grand for the wedding, we have bought her two (second Hand) cars in the last few years and paid 10 grand deposit for her new house, by the way my husband also employs her
(runs for the hills waiting for the flak!!)

OP posts:

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 15:52

Wow! The lucky girl! I never expected my parents to pay for any of those things for me, and they were both invited to my wedding and my sister was bridesmaid

Sounds like a rough deal to me, esp if you personally are not going to be invited. Presume some of the 10K is yours!

JeMeSouviens · 19/08/2009 15:53

It wouldn't make a difference in your DD being a bridesmaid, but I would be SERIOUSLY pissed off, if having contributed 10k to the wedding, I was not invited as the wife of the DSD father.

Fruitysunshine · 19/08/2009 16:03

I think it is more worrying that you feel you won't be invited. Why would your husband and daughter be invited and you left uninvited?

All seems rather strange to me.

As for the bridesmaid issue, what will be will be. If she is asked then great, if not don't fret.

diddl · 19/08/2009 16:04

Well, you don´t yet know if you are being invited, do you?
And sorry, but why are you "having to" pay 10K? for the wedding?
If you can´t afford it then you should have set a limit than you can afford, of better still, she & her fiance should be paying for themselves, especially as they have 2yrs to save.
Why do you keepgiving her all this money if it´s a problem?
And if it´s not aproblem, why mention it?

Katisha · 19/08/2009 16:15

What does your DH think about it all?

And is he happy to fork out 10k for a wedding he can't bring his wife to?

Original poster

hobhey · 19/08/2009 16:27

am going to forgive and forget, lifes too short many thanks for all your help xxx

OP posts:

diddl · 20/08/2009 07:12

I´ll put this on the off chance that you look.
There is nothing to forgive-get over yourself!
Perhaps for her Mum´s sake the bride doesn´t also want your daughter walking down the aisle with her on her big day.
Perhaps even for her own sake.
And so what, it´s her decision.
So butt out before you start upsetting people.

alurkerspeaks · 20/08/2009 10:32

YABVU

Brides perogative to choose her own Bridesmaids.

I have been peripherally involved in a debacle recently where the grooms mother got all stroppy because he didn't ask his brother to be his best man. Was a nightmare. His brother would have been crap (they don't even get on and is very shy) and the bestman he had is one of his oldest friends and gave the most fantastic speech.

Keep out of it. It is NONE of your business. I agree with all of the comments about child vs. adult bridesmaids and the two full sisters having a shared childhood and presumably an adult relationship.

I would however thoroughly support you if you got uppity about not being invited to the wedding yourself. You are married to the Brides Father and as such shouldn't be excluded. If your step daughter really thinks her Mother couldn't handle this situation she needs to revisit her wedding plans (several of my friends have had very small overseas weddings to avoid this issue).

TheProfiteroleThief · 20/08/2009 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leedsmumof1 · 20/08/2009 11:25

Sorry, but I think weddings are for grown-ups. It's about two adults committing to each other; it's lovely if children are there too, but for once they shouldn't be the centre of attention. Maybe your DSD could find your DD some other special role where she might be helpful rather than just looking pretty - e.g. handing out favours, that would give the opportunity for a fuss to be made of her. I think it's important to remember that this is someone's very special day, but (on this occasion) that someone is not your dd!

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