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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want the inlaws to stay in a hotel?

111 replies

usernametaken · 16/08/2009 19:01

DC2 will be born in a few weeks time. The MIL and FIL have planned a visit to us. When they visit DC2 will be somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks old, depending on how late he/she is.

We live in a 2 bedroom house. DH will sleep on the camp bed in DD's room and I will sleep downstairs on the sofa with DC2 in the cot whilst MIL and FIL have our bedroom with ensuite.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that they might want to offer to stay in a hotel? After DD was born I suffered very badly with stitches and a fractured cocyx, whilst DD had severe problems with feeding.

They are staying with us for 5 nights. I can handle 1 or 2 nights of them staying in our house, but 5 nights with a tiny newborn seems too much. They are flying down to see us so will need to be ferried around by car...they don't like driving 'down south'. We are more than happy to take them around but it is the sleeping arrangements that worry me.

I also wouldn't mind if they could help out a bit but they class any visit to us as a holiday so even making a cup of tea themselves is not on their agenda.

What would you do?

OP posts:
notwavingjustironing · 17/08/2009 11:10

Does your MIL not remember giving birth (or is she so special that it was different for her).

I know I'm going over old ground here, but honestly, you get DH to present with a fait accompli of hotel/car package, with no excuses or explanations.

You shouldn't even be stressing about this yourself.

Good luck with everything hope it all goes well. Please do update us though. (Because I'm incredibly nosy as well as supportive ).

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 17/08/2009 11:25

When dd was due we told PILs 'We know you will be desperate to see her, if you think you can wait until she is a couple of months old and everything has settleddown then we would love to have you to stay, however if you would like to come before that it would be lovely to see you but you will have to stay elsewhere'

They live a very long way away so normally come for quite a long visit. This time they opted for the hotel and came when she was 6 days old, I had a retained placenta and was in and out of hospital, it was hard enough having to accomadate their visits, I can't imaging having had them to stay.

MamaLazarou · 17/08/2009 11:25

I can't believe how selfish and unthinking this lady's in-laws are being.

What would I do? I would tell them they can stay in a hotel, drive themselves around, and when they visit, make their own cups of tea, run the hoover around and generally do everything they can to help.

Anyone who is visiting a mother with a tiny baby and not willing to help out should be shown the door, IMO.

Good luck and big hugs to you x

Original poster
usernametaken · 17/08/2009 11:26

Oh my, I cannot get over some of the stories of the inlaws. Some of these inlaws make mine look like saints in comparison!

My inlaws are currently away at the moment so as soon as they are back, DH will phone.

I'm so pleased that this is not a 'hormonal whim' of mine and that I am being reasonable in expecting them to stay elsewhere.

Thank you all so much. I will update when they are back from holiday and the news has been broken!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2009 11:38

By 2rebecca on Mon 17-Aug-09 10:56:09
spd? was thinking postnatal depression but as it started before the birth is unlikely and an extra s.

Was that for me?

SPD - Symphesis Pubis Dysfunction. My pelvis dislocated and rotated out of position. I could not walk, could not lift my feet, and could not turn around in bed. It took nearly 6 months of chiropractic treatments before I could walk at normal pace. It is very painful. But I did develop pnd as a result.

2rebecca · 17/08/2009 11:51

Having relatives to stay with that sounds heroic. I'm not impressed with your husband though. He really should have sent his mum packing when she changed her mind and wanted to visit when the spare room was already filled and should have sent the lot of them home including your family when it was obvious you weren't well, excluding any that you wanted there because they pulled their weight. My first lot of inlaws had a caravan which was very handy as they could stay locally in caravan park (and help) but not be in the way/ wanting looked after. Only my mum stayed with us and she was great, doing all cooking/ housework etc.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2009 11:54

My sister pulled her weight. She stepped up and got my son dressed and ready for nursery and a proper breakfast, she was doing laundry all the time, cleaning up the kitchen and some cooking. Her daughter was hanging laundry and playing with my son. The colleague took the baby in the night when I had the flu, she also helped out cooking.

What IS it with inlaws?

themoon66 · 17/08/2009 11:58

Wow.. a mumsnet AIBU thread that is unanimous in saying YANBU

Is this a first?

lynniep · 17/08/2009 12:06

Gosh - I agree with absolutely EVERYONE - YANBU!!

You must must not give up your bedroom.

I eagerly await the outcome!

Just to add my tale of woe - my (estranged) mother invited herself over for the birth of DS. (This is a woman who ignored me for most of my life - I only met her twice between the ages of 4 and 30 - yet she actually wanted to be with me at the birth!!) When I asked if she could delay the visit for a month or so, she said she had already booked the flights. From Texas! DH had a word and she cancelled those flights - have no idea if she lost a load of money. Don't care either. She ended up coming when DS was a month old and doing a package deal staying in London with her DH. She visited twice in the end over the course of a week. Which was nice. But frankly, quite enough.

Stigaloid · 17/08/2009 12:10

Put them in a hotel or offer them the sofa. DO NOT OFFER YOUR BEDROOM!

good luck with the birth

branhasnocommentfortheDM · 17/08/2009 12:15

Actually, I think the ILs expecting your DH to pick them up could be a good thing. If they refuse the hotel/hire car option then Username's DH simply doesn't pick them up. He could claim anything he wants, a sprained ankle so unable to drive, a bout of D&V in the family so unable to leave Username alone at home. The excuses can continue until they take the hint and book a hotel.

YANBU at all, I have never given up my bed in any circumstances even before children. In fact, even if I'm not going to be in the house while someone was staying I wouldn't want anyone else in my bed. It's mine (and DH's obviously) it would be despoiled if other people used it.

expatinscotland · 17/08/2009 12:17

Don't offer the sofa at all!

It's either your mum's house or a hotel.

End of.

Done deal.

And your husband needs to tell them this, not you.

dollyparting · 17/08/2009 12:19

Well done usernametaken it sounds as though you are sure of what you have decided and how you are going to tackle it.

Like all the other posters I agree that username is NBU to want MIL and FIL to stay somewhere else at a time that is precious and stressful.

But I am a bit at the number of people who are shouting "outrageous!" or "selfish!" about the in-laws. They just seem to have different expectations - imho that just makes them different, not bad.

When my MIL had her first 2 children, they had no money for a house of their own. They lived in a 2 bed house with her parents, and their holiday was to stay in a 1 bed house with FIL's parents. When they went to FIL's parents, my MIL and FIL slept in the lounge (with a tiny baby) because they expected that the older couple should have the bed.

So when I had my dd, my MIL found it difficult to understand that we wanted the whole of my house to ourselves, and that we wanted peace to bond with dd and to establish feeding. My expectations were so different from hers that she found it really hard to comprehend what the problem was. She has raised her LOs in a busy house surrounded by relatives, and it took a fair bit of understanding on my part to see her point of view and for us to explain things in a way which didn't result in us falling out.

Hope it all goes well usernametaken.

seeker · 17/08/2009 12:21

"In fact, even if I'm not going to be in the house while someone was staying I wouldn't want anyone else in my bed. It's mine (and DH's obviously) it would be despoiled if other people used it."

You could always change the sheets!

branhasnocommentfortheDM · 17/08/2009 12:27

I don't think it's a logical thing seeker, it's more emotional, like having a favourite cup. (I always think that I'm not at all the OCD type, and then things like this come up. Still, so long as it's only being possessive about my bed and having to eat Smarties in the correct colour order I think I'm probably still not too bad. )

2rebecca · 17/08/2009 13:16

I've never given up my bedroom for anyone since I was a child and would never ask anyone else to do this. Do think it's odd that some people even consider doing this.
Ours is the only double bed in the house. Guests either sleep on single beds/ futons/thermarests on the floor or stay elsewhere. I'm not running a hotel, this is my house.

gingernutlover · 17/08/2009 13:23

YANBU

they have a choice of a free house to stay in if your parents are away or they can choose a hotel.

Your dh needs to phone them and tell them, or you phone them if you think they'll try to talk him round.

Be firm

Having a newborn is hard enough without being able to sleep in your own bed or have to put up with other people all over your house.

AvengingGerbil · 17/08/2009 13:23

My parents will be in my bed for this week. They are old, can't manage the stairs to the loft room easily so the midnight/3am/5am bathroom trips are too difficult for them. It is not a problem or a violation or a despoiling. It's a bed, for goodness sake.

(But OP is entirely not U)

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/08/2009 13:28

Book them a hotel and say it is that or don't come down.

seeker · 17/08/2009 13:30

With you on the Smarties issue. Strictly rainbow.

But I regularly give up my bed for visitors - would much rather do that than worry about whether they were comfortable on whatever alternatives we have to offer.

messalina · 17/08/2009 13:31

Dollyparting, in response to your annoyance that people are using words like "outrageous" or "selfish" about these in-laws, I would make the following point. One of the irritating things about some old people (SOME) who are traditional in their outlook is that they cannot themselves get their heads round different attitudes to bringing up children and relationships with the extended family. It could be that the OP's in-laws are perfectly nice but a bit slow to realise that she does not want them hanging around the house. But in my view, some parents and PILs think that because they acted like martyrs when bringing up their families, young parents should do too. So, for example, just because they were foolish enough to let their elderly parents' move in with them so they could wipe their bums in their dotage, so they expect the same sort of reverence to be shown to them. Times have changed. Women work these days and often long hours, and families live a long way from each other, usually for economic reasons, and we don't have time to pander to old people the whole time. I think it's this sort of sense of entitlement in some old people which annoys our generation. But this is perhaps a wider debate.

seeker · 17/08/2009 13:31

But absolutely not if I had a baby less than a year old!

oneopinionatedmother · 17/08/2009 13:40

YANBU

having my BIL stay overnight when our first was born was toally unnecessary, i had specifically requested otherwise and it has caused much bad blood between me and DH. (especially as they went off and got trolleyed and DH felt no need to come back at time requested by me.)

5 days would be utterly unacceptable and divorce-inducing. So Not a good time for house guests.

YANBU once more for emphasis.

bearhug · 17/08/2009 14:47

being asked to Give up your bed is definitely uncalled for. But to say no to family wanting to come and stay is really hard. You want them to come to meet the new baby, and in my case, none of them would have had enough money to stay in a hotel. So they came and slept on the sofa and yes it was stressful (esp my Dad who I had to ask repeatedly to get up on time so we could use the living room!)

In spite of that I am glad they came as I want DS to be part of his extended family, even though we don't live near them.

mumeeee · 18/08/2009 11:17

YANBU. Don't give up your bed you can't sleep on a sofa just after having a baby. You have offerd to pay for a hotel tell them it is either that or they will have to slep on the sofa and camp bed.