to want the inlaws to stay in a hotel?

[usernametaken]

DC2 will be born in a few weeks time. The MIL and FIL have planned a visit to us. When they visit DC2 will be somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks old, depending on how late he/she is.

We live in a 2 bedroom house. DH will sleep on the camp bed in DD's room and I will sleep downstairs on the sofa with DC2 in the cot whilst MIL and FIL have our bedroom with ensuite.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that they might want to offer to stay in a hotel? After DD was born I suffered very badly with stitches and a fractured cocyx, whilst DD had severe problems with feeding.

They are staying with us for 5 nights. I can handle 1 or 2 nights of them staying in our house, but 5 nights with a tiny newborn seems too much. They are flying down to see us so will need to be ferried around by car...they don't like driving 'down south'. We are more than happy to take them around but it is the sleeping arrangements that worry me.

I also wouldn't mind if they could help out a bit but they class any visit to us as a holiday so even making a cup of tea themselves is not on their agenda.

What would you do?

Haggis - we share PILs I am sure of it .

In fact, I suspect they will do us for Xmas if you will not have them and then pop over to you for New Year.

HalfMumHalfBiscuit - do you mean you'll never again invite people over for a meal?!!

ABetaDad....if it wasnt for the fact that DP was an only child I would agree!!

I really have to pluck up the courage to tell them about Christmas....although they are DP's parents so he can tell them!!

Stay strong username - don't back down. You are COMPLETELY in the right and I cannot believe that any ILs who claim to love you and want to help out would ever see a new Mum forced downstairs onto the sofa so that they can have the comfy bed.

And post so that we find out how the in-laws took the news....

Why don't you move to your Mums house and leave them to it.

I agree that your mum's house sounds a good option for them, or you (if not the hotel).

I had the same happen to me after the birth of DD1 (pre eclampsia early caesarian) when we were living in a one bedroom flat, and I offered to book my DP into a hotel and they were so offended they put the phone down and then rang back two days later to say they very nearly cancelled. I have often wondered was I BU all those years ago, so am very glad to read this thread and see so many think the OP is NBU.

Username, you are so NBU. Please, please don't let them stay. I had my MIL come stay for 2 weeks when DD was 5-6 weeks. It nearly killed me - she never once put a cup of tea in front of me. I was BFing and cooked dinner every night and had to make her lunch too, as well as deal with extra washing. DD was difficult and I was struggling and I know the hell of that 2 weeks had a negative impact on me and DD bonding. Even worse, 18 months on and the feckin' MIL came and stayed while we had other family guests - never again and we've told her with much snot and tears - her not us. Nip this in the bud now, I so wish I had.

YANBU!

My folks always came for 3 weeks or a month after the birth of each child and it was a dream, however, as they even took over the baby at night, gave us tons of money to go out, cooked and cleaned everything, did nursery runs and played and played with the other children, even treated me to spa treatments!

BUT, the first two times they stayed down the street in a friend of MIL's apartment - she lets it out to tourists - and the third time we were in a large house with three large bedrooms and two bathrooms.

You need to seriously be firm and not present staying in a hotel and hiring their own car as anything other than a done deal.

And as for catering for them, nope.

Just prop your feet up and let 'em know where the kettle and everything are and leave 'em to it.

Goodness me, as has been said you are so NBU. You have been thorugh labour and have a new born. You need the bed and en suite. Ask them to stay in a hotel or b&b, and do not feel bad for doing so. You and DH are the priorty at the moment

Haggis- P.S we did christmas when ds was only 4 weeks old. We surivied just about but I have a VERY demanding family, life would have been unbearable had we not as it was our turn and our turn might as well have been written in the ten commandments as far as my family as concernced- i do not reccomend it

Take it easy and enjoy your newborn username.

I'll echo all the other YANBUs. Definitely send them to stay in a hotel and insist on a hired car. And make all of this clear before they set off. It's definitely better for everyone that way.

I'm currently waiting for my little one to decide to make an appearance (I'm now 5 days overdue). My mother arrived last Sunday and stayed with us until Wednesday (she got the couch, but it was still a nightmare not having any space to ourselves). She moved to a hotel on Wednesday but only because it transpired that she had invited my sister to stay for the same indefinite period that she seemed to be staying (I do not get on with my sister and I had explicitly said that I did not want to come to stay).

Sadly my mum (who is definitely being completely unreasonable) decided to throw a fit about this and now things are really, horribly awkward (and the OH has lost all patience with the situation). It's also meaning that OH and I are getting no time at all to spend with DS because we feel that we have to let my mum and sister take him out every day (and it's costing us a fortune as we feel obliged to send him with money).

Of course, the baby is showing absolutely no sign of wanting to come! And I feel genuinely horrific about everything.

The PILs, on the other hand, are being more than reasonable. Actually I'm slightly concerned that OH has made them feel like they can't come and visit or something (and they probably think that's because of me).

opened this thinking it may be a self absorbed 'I've had a baby and so the world revolves around me and I can dismiss others feeings'type OP.

But bloody hell, you can't sleep on the sofa. For 5 days!!!!

YANBU.

Agree 5 days is too long.

You need to let them visit, but they need to be considerate to you. This is not considerate.

They need a hotel and to not be arpihd the house all day. You need to explain you will need time to rest ALONE IN THE HOUSE everyday, and they can come around at agreed times.

Outrageous and completely self-absorbed of them. They MUST stay in a hotel and your DH should not be making a 3 hour round trip to collect them. Can they not get the train or hire a car? I nearly went mental before my DS was born and PIL decided that they would hang around waiting for the baby to turn up. They thought that they would be being helpful, but DH had his paternity leave booked and I wanted those precious two weeks for the THREE of us. Fortunately, baby was clever and turned up after they had had to get their return flight home (they had not bargained for it being overdue...doh!!) but they still managed to deprive us of precious couple time just before baby arrived...and drove me nearly insane in the final month of my pregnancy because they refused to specify how LONG they were planning on staying. I had no idea whether it would be days, weeks or even a whole bloody month. But your story really takes the biscuit. Your PIL sound like the pits.

If it weren't for hotels, my relationship with my ILs would have broken down completely long ago.

The last time they stayed with us, I said I had disaster recovery training at work and spent the whole weekend hiding from them in a cafe. Haven't done so much reading in years.

Messalina and Monkey, what awful selfish families you have.
ROFL at disaster training.

As everyone else has said you are not being unreasonable and there is no way you should be kicked out of your bedroom.

We were in a 2 bed cottage when i had ds2 who then spent a week in NICU. In-laws stayed in local B&B and were a great help with ds1 and cooking/cleaning etc whilst i was in hospital.

I've just had dc3 and we're in a 4 bed house now so they stayed here for nearly a week. They looked after ds1 & ds2 and since i'd been chucked out of hospital a day after c-section and ds2 had chicken pox - I just retired to my bedroom with new baby for a few days.

I just let DH and in-laws do house stuff and enjoyed my time recovering from op, getting feeding sorted and cuddling my new baby. It worked well as minimised contact with in-laws too .

Your DH is going to have to stand firm with them.

Whose idea was it that you have to give up your bed?

If they won't go with the hotel idea, then I would show them to the nicely made up camp beds in the living room when they arrive and retire to your room, which you will previously have equipped with a kettle and a little fridge full of delicious snacks.

Write down dd's routine too on a wall planner thing with their names against the bits you would like them to do.

Giving up your bed seems insane. Do you normally do this? I'd be appalled if shown to the hosts bedroom if I was staying and feel as though I was really inconveniencing them. They shouldn't have the option of overruling you in your house. You live in a 2 bed house with 4 of you. There isn't room for visitors who want to do more than crash for 1 night on the floor. Just tell them they aren't staying because there isn't room and put an end to this nonsense.

Username, are we related?! I seem to have had similar discussions with my ILs about staying here after my children were born, although I would never have given up my bed for them. I think in the circs a hotel is the only sensible option for all of them. If it were me (and could be afforded) I'd book them in, book a hire car and get DH to tell them that he has posted the confirmation documnets so that they can collect their motor and drive to their hotel to dump their stuff before they come to see their new grandchild.

I had DC3 on 1st Dec by CS and my ILs were not pleased not to be invited for C'mas (the first C'mas we had ever had at our house rather than with a set of parents at theirs). They came for New Year (baby 4 weeks old, I had a rotten cold and felt awful, both DDs been vomiting for 2 nights before they touched down)and did not lift a finger from arrival to departure on 3rd Jan. MIL even asked which pudding i was going to cook for NYE! I ended up driving to Sains most days for a pint of milk and spending hours reading the paper in Starbucks while DS fed and DD1 did colouring. Awful. Still feel resentful about it now.

Makes me worried about being a MIL myself and hoping that I don't become an unreasonable old bitch who has no thought for the needs of anyone else. Apparently, though, my MIL has always been a bit of a cow.

Good luck for the birth, I hope all goes well.

Just remember that whatever you do for this visit will set the scene for all future visits. You will be a family of 4 in a 2 bedroom house. Do you really want to have to have you and the 2 kids (whatever age they are) sharing your room whenever they visit? And will your DD even cope with that with school etc.

I would say how it is now and then they'll know that every time they come to visit, it's a hotel as you are now a larger family and need all your rooms.

oh and I would make it their cost to pay for the hotel unless you are prepared to pay for it every time they come.

Treat is as the 'new system'.

YA sooooooo NBU.
Nip this idea firmly in the bud. NOW. Just present the whole thing as a fait accompli - get your dh to sort your mum's place in readiness, get him to drop them off there first to settle in and unpack and then bring them round.
Trust me, you, or rather your dh, need to get this sorted now or you will end up in the future in some horror scenario of having your parents and PILs coming to stay at the same time for a whole month and with no private bolt hole but the walk in wardrobe in your bedroom in which you have hidden a bottle of gin and a packet of fags even though you gave up smoking ten years earlier.

The last thing you want around you after just giving birth, are unreasonable inlaws.

Book them into a hotel.

I dont know what is the matter with parents of spouses, that so many are so far removed from any empathy it is scary.

My mil was supposed to come to help out when ds2 was born, she was faffing about with dates, and then she said she was not able to come until 2 weeks after birth. I had really bad spd, and my sister decided she would come instead. Only, she took her 10 year old daughter, who should have been with her father. The girl had kicked up such a fuss that she was not coming to see her new cousin, her mum just cancelled her holiday at her fathers and took her to our place.

MIL, possibly scared of not calling the shots anymore, booked herself on the first flight.

Sister in the double guest room room with her dd.

Ds1 out of his room and in with sister and cousin.

Mil in ds's room.

You following?

I went into labour, went to hospital, and that is when it started deteriorating.
Power struggles over ds1 between my sister, my mil and dh. Mil getting up really early to feed ds1 chocolate for breakfast. My sister phoning me in hospital complaining, several times a day about mils behaviour.
ME phoning MY parents asking them to tell my sister to back off, I dont need to hear this right now.

Ds2 had developed a tempereture and as I had strep B, we were kept in.

I get home, realize how bad my spd is, and as destiny will have it I am to spend the next 4 weeks in bed upstairs not able to descend the staircase.

THEN, by some obscure twist of fate, a colleague of dh from India will have to come and stay at our house. (dont ask why)

So.
Me, dh, ds2 in our bedroom.
Mil on living room floor on airbed (till she left in a huff after woving to never talk to me again)
Colleague in Ds1s bedroom. (for 2 months)
sister, her dd and my ds1 in the double guest room. (for 1 month)

IT is getting worse.
Because of my spd, and needing dhs help, he worked from home, and had 1 more member of staff come and work with him in the day time, so in the day, we had dh, his colleague from India and other colleague working in dhs study.

I will not go into the details about what happened, and who did what to whom, and when, but suffice to say, I was not on speaking terms with MIL for two years after this.

sorry. just had to share.

What normal person expects a new mother to give up her bed??

Am watching and waiting for an update .. have you told them yet?

What is it about parents and in laws.

Any one remember the thread about the parents or PIL staying in a tent in the garden rather than the B&B?

spd? was thinking postnatal depression but as it started before the birth is unlikely and an extra s.