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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want the inlaws to stay in a hotel?

111 replies

usernametaken · 16/08/2009 19:01

DC2 will be born in a few weeks time. The MIL and FIL have planned a visit to us. When they visit DC2 will be somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks old, depending on how late he/she is.

We live in a 2 bedroom house. DH will sleep on the camp bed in DD's room and I will sleep downstairs on the sofa with DC2 in the cot whilst MIL and FIL have our bedroom with ensuite.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that they might want to offer to stay in a hotel? After DD was born I suffered very badly with stitches and a fractured cocyx, whilst DD had severe problems with feeding.

They are staying with us for 5 nights. I can handle 1 or 2 nights of them staying in our house, but 5 nights with a tiny newborn seems too much. They are flying down to see us so will need to be ferried around by car...they don't like driving 'down south'. We are more than happy to take them around but it is the sleeping arrangements that worry me.

I also wouldn't mind if they could help out a bit but they class any visit to us as a holiday so even making a cup of tea themselves is not on their agenda.

What would you do?

OP posts:
moondog · 16/08/2009 19:36

Like what Haggis?
G'wan, I'm in the mood for feeling outraged.

sfxmum · 16/08/2009 19:38

not unreasonable at all imo if they plan on staying they should go to an hotel, mine alwasy do I love them

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 16/08/2009 19:41

Like, DP cooking dinner every night they were here...one night DP cooked home made soup, crusty bread (our main meal) as we had both been working...they ate it and then got up and announced that it was not 'enough'..and got up and went out for a meal to a restaurant.......

Have never cooked a meal or cleared away...once!

Have never helped at all on Christmas day, despite the last one us catering for 14 people!!

Stayed in bed all New Years day............

and loads more............

ABetaDad · 16/08/2009 19:43

usernametaken - just tell them to come for 1 day and they sleep on the sofa. PILs visited us after DS1 and DS2 and it just caused a huge amount of extra work right when we did not need it as they still expected us to look after them, cook, etc. Not to mention extra laundary afterwards, cleaning, extra shopping for food. We only lived in a 2 bed house/flat at the time. DW had terrible SPD and a hell of a time trying to breast feed. Nightmare.

Haggis - same here about Xmas with PILs. Also what is worse it is our 20th wedding anniversary soon and we asked PILs to come down and look after DSs for a few days so we could go away for a short break. We found out two days ago they have invited some distant relatives to our house without telling us and are expecting us to cater for everyone, extra food etc and delay our anniversary break to accomodate their plans.

moondog · 16/08/2009 19:44

Loons.
I can't comprehend wanting (or being allowed) to stay with someone for two weeks. I'd run amok with an axe.

moondog · 16/08/2009 19:44

Fuck me Beta.
I'm speechless.

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 16/08/2009 19:47

ha ha Beta..same thing has happened to us!! And they have never ONCE babysat!!!!!

Original poster
usernametaken · 16/08/2009 19:48

Googling and compiling a list of hotels right now.

I knew I wasn't being unreasonable, I just cant get over their assumptions and began to doubt my thinking. If they helped out a bit more and took some notice of DD then it would be a bit better.

If they had a hire car they could also do the school run for me. I'm guessing they'll want to see DD's school but they wont be up and ready in time to take her or even look after DC2 whilst I take DD.

When DD was born we were in a different house and their visit was much shorter.

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 16/08/2009 19:49

YANBU, I asked that no-one came to stay after DD was born (barring my mum, who cooks/cleans and is generally marvellous) as we only had one spare bed, and it was in our toddler's room.

Needless to stay MIL invited herself anyway for 3 nights when DD was a week old. I was either asleep or pretending to be asleep for most of her visit...

moondog · 16/08/2009 19:50

Well done User.
Take control.Don't let thier selfishness and stupidity fuck things up for you.

Original poster
usernametaken · 16/08/2009 19:50

Their flights are already booked and paid for. DH is meant to drive the 90mins to the airport to get them!
Oh crap, this is getting worse and worse!
Hire car and hotel is the way to go...if not, I'll move into a hotel!

OP posts:
brimfull · 16/08/2009 19:50

I have just had my parents to stay for 2 fucking weeks!

It was hideous.

They were planning on staying for 3 weeks but went early.That's how bad it was.

skidoodle · 16/08/2009 19:51

Yanbu but they are.

The idea of staying in the bedroom of a couple who have just had a baby while they are made to sleep in different rooms on sofas and campbeds is one of the most unreasonable notions I've come across on mumsnet.

dittany's right, if they're not coming to help at such a time they shouldn't be coming at all.

moondog · 16/08/2009 19:51

Why ggilr?
(And once again, why did they want to come for soooooo bloody long?)

ruddynorah · 16/08/2009 19:51

so they think this is ok cos it's what they did when dd was born? all be it in a different (bigger?) house.

stand your ground.

you need dh to take control really as they are his parents. and if no can do..

take yourself, the baby and dc2 off to your mothers while dh sorts his folks out.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 16/08/2009 19:52

tell them you just cant fit them in as your concenred about the impact on dd1.

yanbu at all.

brimfull · 16/08/2009 19:54

thye live in Canada

we spent one week in glasgow in a flat ,then they came for a week to our house

it has taught dd a lesson-never move too far away from your parents or they may come and stay for weeks

beanieb · 16/08/2009 19:54

OH MY GOD! this is incredible. They expect a new newsing mum to sleep downstairs so they can have your room! What a couple of idiots.

Can't believe that even though your husband and you have said it's not on they are still riding roughshod over your feelings.

Tell them they must sleep downstairs or get a hotel!

If I ever have a baby (fingers crossed) there is no way on this earth that my MIL would be allowed to stay in the house so soon after the birth.

moondog · 16/08/2009 19:56

Ooh dear ggirl.
Sounds grim.

All my family are abroad but we would never do more than a week with each other for simple reason it gets too stressful.

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 16/08/2009 19:56

Bless you username. You sound lovely and these people sound like they are taking advantage of your nature. You are going to have to be selfish for once.

I just can't believe how horrible peoples own families / in-laws are. Don't they think? Don't they remember what its like to have babies????? Madness.

We had some friends with a v. rowdy toddler invite themselves over for dinner when DS was 2 weeks old and unsettled, we were all exhausted and that was bad enough. As soon as they left DH and I said 'never again'. We felt so stupid for wearing ourselves out more and making DS more unsettled with all the noise.

raindroprhyme · 16/08/2009 19:57

surely if you told them they were spending 5 nights 1 on a camp bed 1 on the couch they will be more than willing to stay in a hotel.

good luck

i am so lucky with my inlaws hearing stuff like this makes me appreciate them all the more.

Meglet · 16/08/2009 19:58

yanbu, you poor thing. I can't think of anything worse than having family staying after giving birth. Get a couple of bouncers and refuse to let them in .

makedoandmend · 16/08/2009 20:13

YANBU - this is outrageous! How incredibly selfish can people be?

When I gave birth they came down a couple of weeks later but took it on themselves to book into a local b&b - without me having to ask. Even at Christmas they rented themselves a local holiday let flat for a week (between four of them) and made Christmas dinner so we could go and 'visit' but were free to come away if it all got too much (DD was about six weeks at the time).

Only now, eight months on, do they ask whether it would be ok to stay - but they'd be fine if I said no.

This is what reasonable people do.

I agree with the others - book the hotel and car and just present it as a done deal. Also when they roll up make sure you have every bit of baby equipment cluttering the house so they breathe a sigh of relief that they're not staying. They'll probably cheer up considerably.

fucking idiots

makedoandmend · 16/08/2009 20:13

they = my family!

Satsuma1 · 16/08/2009 20:14

Absolutely NO WAY should you be sleeping on the sofa, even for 1 night!

Your DH needs to tell them to book a hotel, as you will have a newborn to take care of and need your own bed. Tbh, I don't even think it's acceptable for them to be staying over at all. You need your privacy and rest and an hour or two a day is the absolute maximum they should be around.

Put your foot down now and don't let them spoil your babymoon.