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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop Ex seeing DD until he pays maintainance?

40 replies

taylorsmummy2004 · 11/08/2009 17:09

My ex partner and I had always had an amicable agreement on maintainence money, and although over the last 3 yrs the amount has varied due to his circumstances, i have never made it an issue.

However 2/3 weeks ago, he informed me that he would be stopping all payments until he got himself "back on his feet". He estimated this would be until the end of August, and that after this, he would go back to paying the agreed amount each week.

The issue i have is that, as he is working over 40hrs a week, there is no reason really why he can't continue to pay for his child. I am tempted to ask upfront for the £150 he'll owe me, once he has restarted payments, and say to him that he cannot see DD until he gives me that money...or to say no to the continued visits until he starts to pay money again.

I really don't know what to do, any help/advice would be great!!

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 11/08/2009 17:12

Yes, YABU I'm afraid. Access to the child is not supoose to be contingent upon recept of maintenance. Access is for the child's benefit more than anything else so you are punishing her by not letting her see her father.

Hope you get the money situation sorted. Why don't you speak to the csa?

scaredoflove · 11/08/2009 17:14

yabu, parenting isn't pay as you go

notevenamousie · 11/08/2009 17:16

Maybe you need to make it a legal arrangement. But you have to be the bigger person, I'm afraid, and do what is in your child's best interests, even when you are hurting.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/08/2009 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thunderduck · 11/08/2009 17:16

YABU.Your dd should be allowed to see him.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 11/08/2009 17:19

YANBU to feel angry and feel that way but you would be unreasonable to actually do it.

I know exactly how you feel I have had nothing from my ex since December (looong story) and I feel so much anger towards him at times because of this.
He is coming into some money this week and is giving me some of it as backdated maintenance but it doesn't equate to nearly the amount it should and he now thinks it gets him out of doing other things he promised like buying some bits of school uniform for dd.

I know how angry it makes you and how annoying it is but yous dd needs to see her daddy.

flatcapandpearls · 11/08/2009 17:21

Understandable to feel angry but you can't and shouldn't stop your child from seeing their father.

slowreadingprogress · 11/08/2009 17:25

Your daughter isn't a sanction you can use to sort money issues out.

Her relationship with and contact time with her dad should not be used as a weapon.

Of course it's crazy he's dipping in and out of paying (with that not being ever an option for you, who has to support her every day!) but even so her time with him should never be dependent on money.

Basically it may be time to think solicitors/CSA if he doesn't resume payments.

Original poster
taylorsmummy2004 · 11/08/2009 17:26

Thanks for all the comments, i think its quite a hard one, as all people who know my personal situation think that he has mucked us about enough without withholding money too. I have no idea what he means by "getting back on his feet", both he and his partner work, and so far this year have taken two holidays away together.

I personally dont think my DD should suffer either, but she has said to me a couple of times that she doesnt want to go to his, which has broken my heart, but of course, i can't tell him that because he'll think i am making it up.

He has complained many times over the last 3 yrs that he doesnt see her often enough (overnight once a week+ 1 midweek 2hr visit)but every time i have offered more, he "cannot do it", or he kicks up a stink saying he won't have me dictate his life to him. I have told him he can have her every holiday for as long as he wants, yet he sticks to the one night, if DD is lucky.

He constantly sends conflicting messages, and i think he really needs a shock to the system to see what he'll miss if he mucks around. Although personally, i think if i did it, he would just walk away, as he would see it as an excuse to not ever bother again.

OP posts:
slowreadingprogress · 11/08/2009 17:30

I think then that the CSA might be a big enough shock to the system for him!

Thing is if you ever once use your daughter as the bargaining chip for money, you've lost completely the moral high-ground in the situation and he will be entitled to say exactly what people have said here about using your daughter. Seems crazy to put yourself in that position.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 11/08/2009 17:34

How old is dd?
My ex mucks about and in all honesty is a total arse and dd (5) has said she doesn't want to go etc. As has a friends dd visiting her dad, but the way I see it is that at this age I have a responsibility as well to not force dd into anything but encourage her to go as she always has a good time when she sees him and right now she is too young to make these decisions on her own.

Yes he may have mucked around but he is still maintaining regular contact and under no circumstances should that be based on whether he pays maintenance or not.

Believe me I know 100% where you are coming from I have felt all those emotions too but know that I have to be the grown up even if ex isn't.
The people that know your story can quite often be far too close to the situation to be objective but I can promise you that if you did stop contact and he walked away in years to come it would be you that was painted in the bad light if and when your dd went looking for him.
He wouldn't be lying when he told her that her mum wouldn't let him see her would he and what kind of fallout might that cause with your dd.

2kidzandi · 11/08/2009 17:38

Sod. If he can afford holidays he can afford to give your dd something even if it's not the full amount. It's about his priorities. As parents there are sometimes things we want or need, but essentials for DC's always come first. I could understand if he said finances were going to be tough because of bills/reduced hours at work, so he would have to pay a little less, but to stop altogether when he works full-time and has benefit of joint income just shows carelessess. Still, try not to resort to CSA and stop your dd seeing him as it will make things worse. Be the bigger person, grit teeth hard....

Original poster
taylorsmummy2004 · 11/08/2009 17:39

I don't feel i am using my daughter in anyway though. I feel he has had 3 yrs to show himself to be a man, to prove to me and DD that our 9yr relationship wasn't a joke. I am merely looking out for my DD. She already doesn't want to go to him, and i feel bad sending her, especially when her father isn't paying, and is showing little interest in her when she is at his house. I suppose i had to be prepared to hear points on this thread that i wouldn't agree with, but i am shocked that so man people feel i am using my daughter. I would never do anything to deprive her, i feel in all honesty that i am being her voice, as she blatantly does not enjoy being there.

OP posts:
juicyjolly · 11/08/2009 17:41

Just read your post but not any of the responses.
Yes I do feel you are being unreasonable if you stop your ex from seeing your dd.

Money and maintenance is important but what is a damn sight more important is the fact that your dd does not feel abandoned by her father, which she would surely feel if you stopped her seeing her dd.

I realise it must be bloody frustrating for you when he seems to 'have his cake and eat it', but the point is your dd is the important thing here and you must put her first.

juicyjolly · 11/08/2009 17:45

Whoops.....just read your last thread.

It is a different kettle of fish if your dd does not want to see her dad. Why do you think this is. Is she listening to negative things about him from you? If so, then you are being very unfair to her, if this is not the reason then why doesn't she want to be with him? Have you asked her about it?

mrsboogie · 11/08/2009 17:45

if she doesn't want to see him that's a different matter. Why doesn't she want to?

Original poster
taylorsmummy2004 · 11/08/2009 17:46

DD is almost 5yrs.

I understand he is maintaining regular contact, and appreciate that this is a lot more than some children get.

The thing that bugs me most,is that the week before he cut payments, he asked if he could have DD for a few extra days over his summer break. I said of course he could, that that was no issue, and sent DD to her dads....i then found out when DD came back the following day that she had informed daddy that I am pregnant (i'm 17 weeks) by DP of 2yrs. Lo and behold, next time he comes to the door, he has cut payments and there was nomention of having DD for the extra days...

OP posts:
Morloth · 11/08/2009 17:48

I think you need to get an official arrangement with your ex sorted out.

Custody/visitation/child support all written down and signed up.

After all the years I have worked in a Family Law office, I know that one of the first things I would insist on if DH and I split is that we see solicitors and get this sorted properly ASAP.

IME it is pretty rare for these relaxed and unofficial arrangements to work out in the long term.

Original poster
taylorsmummy2004 · 11/08/2009 17:49

She says that nobody talks to her or plays with her when she is there. She is a very sociable girl, and i can imagine that her being left by herself while daddy and gf watch tv can be boring! He was supposed to be taking her to drama classes nearby, but stopped taking her, much to the upset of DD.

OP posts:
Remotew · 11/08/2009 17:53

Sounds like he's taking the p--s. I would go through the CSA, it should be 15% of his income and they will collect it from his wages if he doesn't pay willingly.

The issue with your DD not wanting to go to him is something separate. I would try and get to the bottom of it. Often young children do pick up on problems and say they don't want to go to the other parent especially if she knows you are mad at him.

I dont think you are BU to feel like withholding contact due to no maintenance but I do think you are BU if you carry it out for this reason only.

Morloth · 11/08/2009 17:53

Being bored is not the same as being neglected.

If you don't think he is providing a suitable environment for her then you need to go to court and tell them that. If however you just disagree with his parenting then I don't think there is much you can do.

He is her father and if he isn't abusive then in the long term she will not thank you for keeping them apart.

ElieRM · 11/08/2009 17:55

make it legal. she should hae contact with her father, but could you vmention to him, in a friendly way, that she needs a bit more stimulation.
but contact the csa. that's not immature or spiteful; she's his daughter and he should be helping to support her.

Remotew · 11/08/2009 17:57

You could hint at him that she need a bit more stimulation when she goes and to resume the class or something else. He may make more of a effort if he knows you are onto it.

wugthump · 11/08/2009 17:58

It seems to me you want people to say 'yes stop contact'

My children have said 'I don't want to go to x's'

But they have also said 'I don't want to go to school' and ' I don't want to brush my teeth'

As to the money.
Go to the CSA then he can't do this again.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 11/08/2009 17:58

Your dd at nearly 5 is not old enough to make that decision herself. If you think there is an issue about playing and attention at her dad's house then discuss it with him. You have a duty to try and maintain contact as much as you possibly can here whether he pays or not. If he is mucking about contact CSA and seek some legal advice to get contact sorted out so he can't do this again but you cannot stop contact. You are not being her voice she is too young yet to have that voice.

Talk to him and sort these things out. Of course stopping contact because he is stopping maintenance is using her it is using her in a tit for tat arguement, he is hitting you financially so you are hitting him where it hurts and stopping contact.

And one thing I also don't think is fair is that the information that you being pregnant came from a 4 year old. If she knew I believe you should have told him yourself it is never nice to put the child in that position and it is never nice to be the adult hearing it from a child believe me I know. My ex is an arse but that is one thing we have agreed and stuck to and that is that any huge changes that affect the children will come from the adults not the children.

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