to want to stop Ex seeing DD until he pays maintainance?

[taylorsmummy2004]

My ex partner and I had always had an amicable agreement on maintainence money, and although over the last 3 yrs the amount has varied due to his circumstances, i have never made it an issue.

However 2/3 weeks ago, he informed me that he would be stopping all payments until he got himself "back on his feet". He estimated this would be until the end of August, and that after this, he would go back to paying the agreed amount each week.

The issue i have is that, as he is working over 40hrs a week, there is no reason really why he can't continue to pay for his child. I am tempted to ask upfront for the £150 he'll owe me, once he has restarted payments, and say to him that he cannot see DD until he gives me that money...or to say no to the continued visits until he starts to pay money again.

I really don't know what to do, any help/advice would be great!!

I dont talk about the situation in front of DD as i am aware that obviously she'll pick up on any bad feeling.

I am always full of positivity, telling her she'll have a great time, then asking her all about her time away once she comes back. I would honestly be surprised if she had picked up on anything from me.

I'm not implying she is being neglected. Obviously i only have her word for what goes on when she is away, but i know that when we were together he was a good dad, and a good person.

Thats why i dont understand where he is coming from. DD was conceieved 6yrs into our relationship, and was desperately wanted (tried for 3yrs), I think thats why it hurts me, i feel like he is treating her like the result of a one night stand, over time he is showing less and less interest in her, like he never wanted her in the first place.

Sorry but YABU and I think you know it!
I am in a similar if not worse situation, and I think though you deny it you are using your child to contro/force you XH into paying maintenance - not good I am afraid
But shitty situation all round, dont give him any ammo, maintain the high ground as hard as it is (and I know believe me)!!

It could be a reaction to your news.

CSA then it cannot happen again.

Not sticking up for him but how would you have felt to learn that his gf was pregnant from DD? He probably thought you should have told him yourself and feels as though communication between yourselves is breaking down.

Just get it sorted out through official channels, initially it will cause some tension but in the long term it is much better for everyone to know where they stand, not least of all your DD.

I agree with Morloth....being bored is a whole other issue. Your dd most probably does get bored, what child doesn't from time to time?

Have you mentioned to your ex that your dd misses drama?
Have you asked him why he stopped taking her there?

I know it can be bloody hard, but maybe if you try having civil conversations with him about your dd's needs then you might get somewere.

If the reason he gave for not taking dd to drama is because he cant afford to, then although it would really galling I would give dd the money to go to the drama classes myself when she is there.

I contacted the CSA over a week ago, thaey said that money would be paid to me once the father had been contacted, that the process could take up to 12 weeks, and that it wouldn't be backdated.

I can understand your point wug but i feel that as her father, she should want to go, its not like not going to school or whatever else, it is her other parent, and as her main carer, i am obviously going to be concerned if she keeps saying this.

I did not tell DD about my pregnancy just so she could tell her daddy. DD had known for a while, but i had not wanted her to tell anyone as she knew the baby was very small. I had wanted to clear up all maintainence and money issues BEFORE he found out about the baby, so that i knew he would not be negativly influenced my that fact when he made his decisions. DD telling her father was not what i wanted, as i knew he would begin to be awkward as soon as he knew.

Sometimes kids will tell one parent that they have had a boring time because they dont want to upset the parent they are with i.e. you. Believe me, this happens a lot with kids who are from separated parents.

I am beginning to regret doing this post tbh!

And its not because people are not agreeing with me, its because without going into the full ins and outs of the whole story, people are never going to understand.

My ex has no communication skills at all, he stares at the ground whenever he talks to me.

I do not believe DD is telling me she is bored to keep me happy, whenever she goes anywhere else, with anyone else, she is happy, full of beans, and this is no the case with her father.

I appreciate all the comments, and the time people have given to tell me their thoughts, but i thinkat the end of all of it, its up to me and what i view as being best for DD.

I think that is was sad for your dd that she was put in the position of being the one to tell her dad about your pregnancy.

As an issue that is major for your and his DD this is something you needed to share with him tbh. I'm afraid I think it's bad that he heard it from her not from you.

Thing is now you're saying it's because she doesn't want to go that you thought about stopping it but the thread title is 'AIBU to want to stop ex seeing dd until he pays maintenance?" which is a whole different issue

I think you have to tread so, so carefully with what she tells you about being there. Unless there are signs of abuse or real serious upset then you have to sit on your hands imo. It is classic as juicy says, for kids to play down having had a good time with the other parent. And yes, even at a very young age. Also kids this age ALL report that they did 'nothing' or stuff was 'boring'...school, for one. Also she may well be saying the same about you to him - 'it's boring at home when mummy cleans up and doesn't play with me and sometimes she's on the computer and doesn't talk to me' blah blah

I just think based solely on what you've said here there are not grounds for stopping her seeing her dad. You are being her true, long term voice if you carry on as you have done, and promote her contact

so before he cut the maintenance you were prepared to increase the contact your DD has with him on his request.
Now he has cut back the money you are 'concerned that she doesnt want to see him' etc.
It sounds exactly like you cutting contact would be due to the money side of things. Which is not on.

Go to your ex and explain to him that if he cuts his maintenance for the next month that DD will really miss out on essentials and you are really worried about what will happen going forward.
Ask him to reconsider his priority list of what will get paid over the next month and to move DD higher up the list.
If he doesnt reconsider then explain to him that you will need to go through the CSA from now on.
Then do it.

If DD is bored at his house then that is a seperate issue. You could talk to him about this another time or maybe send DD there next time with a game or toy she wants to 'show him' that he would then play with her with. Or a DVD to watch or something.

So what do you want people to say?

No, you are not being unreasonable to withhold your daughter's access to her father because he isn't paying child support?

She doesn't see him for his benefit, she sees him for hers.

Just because he is acting like a prat does not mean you have too.

Your DD is not a bargaining chip My Ex sees our children every day, neither of us would dream of using the children against the other.

I think you may need to get some sort of official payment sorted out if it is a problem, No he should not be allowed to decide if and when he pays for his child, Makes me so cross when people think they can choose when to play at being parent.

You are a parent from the moment that child comes in to the world right up until the day you die, so sad a lot of people don't get that

On the basis of what you have told us and nobody is agreeing with you suddenly you wish you hadn't started it.
I'm sorry but this happens often in AIBU yes you are....ok fine well you don't know the whole story I do so i'm not.

Like allaboutme said you were happy to increase contact in the holidays now he is not paying so you have concerns?? Which is it.

A lot of us are speaking from personal experience and you don't like what we are sayin. From a legal stand point if nothing else you stop contact he can drag you through the courts to get access and unless there is abuse then he will get it and you will have to maintain it even when she says she doesn't want to go. Right now you need to be the grown up and TALK to the man tell him your concerns so what if he is poor at communicating you have to discuss any concerns you have with him your dd is only 4 you will be in this position for years to come.

And I stand by what I said before your dd should never have been in the position that she told her father about the baby. She is 4 there is always a danger if she knows she is going to spill the beans she is excited. If you didn't want him to find out dd shouldn't have known.
When I was planning my wedding it was all done behind the dc's back until I had the chance to tell their father I would never ever have disrespected him like that or put my dc's in that position.

yabu and I can have a really good guess at how you feel because my husband never contributed a penny - he left the country rather than put his hand in his pocket

it's so so so important to promote the best possible relationship with the other parent, even if it means roping in a third party for help - children don't choose any of this crap, we did (obviously not on purpose) and they have a right to think well of both their parents and to be shielded from the messier stuff