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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL was intentially trying to upset me today

40 replies

JollyTired · 10/08/2009 22:11

My MIL looked after my 10 month old DS for the first time today as I have returned to work. When I went to pick him up she greeted me at the front door holding my DS - who didn't look particularly happy and had apparently been crying. A little later on my FIL asked whether my DS had been pleased to see me and, without giving me a chance to speak, she replied that no he had not seemed particularly pleased to see me!! I felt a tad put out but thought perhaps I was being a little oversensitive.

However, when my DH returned home this evening after having dropped by his mother's on the way he said I hear DS didn't smile at you when you got back today. I feel quite that she'd mentioned it again - am I being oversensitive??

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/08/2009 22:13

nope. she's being a cow. How often is she going to have him? Is that what you want?

pollywobbledoodle · 10/08/2009 22:25

best form of defence is attack....she attacks you, you feel awful and get flustered...nobody mentions to her that the baby was upset when you got there....no-one can make her feel awful

Original poster
JollyTired · 10/08/2009 22:28

she's looking after him the two days I work a week. I should be grateful really - but I found it difficult enough to leave him today without being made to feel like he couldn't give a toss about me!

OP posts:
LetThemEatCake · 10/08/2009 22:28

I don't even need to read your post to know that she was trying to upset you - she's your MiL. Enough said.

However I have read your post and I am bloody fuming for you. Sounds like the kind of thing my MiL would do if she was ever allowed to look after my kids.

Can you make other arrangements?

{{hugs}} of course he was pleased to see you. Cow.

Original poster
JollyTired · 10/08/2009 22:40

thanks for your comments and support - unfortunately this is the best arrangement at the moment.

I'll just have to prepare myself for similar comments in the future and learn to rise above them.

OP posts:
zipzap · 10/08/2009 22:43

When I first started leaving ds2 at nursery when he was a year old he used to be fine until he spotted me coming and then would burst into tears - apparently it is quite common initially.

If it is any consolation, he is only at nursery 1 or 2 days a week and now 4 months on he doesn't cry when he sees me - sometimes he will toddle over to me as fast as he can, sometimes he will carry on with whatever he was up to...

I think it is a way your baby can tell you that they were upset that you left them rather than being upset to see you IYSWIM - still hurts though I know! It's tears of relief for your return.

If it happens again, tell your MIL that it was because your DS was annoyed at you for leaving DS behind with her - and then it turns it around on her...

but yes, it is a mean thing of your MIL to say and to repeat to your husband.

ToffeeCrumble · 10/08/2009 23:04

I think it was pretty unkind of her. Especially knowing you would have been feeling sensitive on your first day back. Your baby's reaction was natural i think. He sees you and cries because mums comfort crying babies and he wants you to hold him after a day away. It certainly doesn't mean he wasn't pleased to see you. Hope things improve from now on and your bubby gets used to the new arrangement (and your MIL starts being a bit more sensitive.)

thumbwitch · 10/08/2009 23:08

seems a bit mean to me - if your baby was already unhappy, he wasn't likely to suddenly grin at you!
Counter it next time by saying as soon as you see him "oh he looks so unhappy, poor little boy, is he all right?"
That'll sort her.

mamas12 · 10/08/2009 23:42

Zipzap is right it is a reaction to seeing again that they have been missing you
Tell her that in a way to prepare her for the next time say something like Don't forget all her love and missing me moment will happen again and perhaps she might cry on dropping her off coz you never know she might realise you will be leaving her again and have to get used to missing you ha ha

stuffitlllama · 10/08/2009 23:54

No, you are not being oversensitive, yes, she was covering her back because he'd been crying while with her. Yes, she didn't care if it upset you.

If she is a true emil she will arrange sleep and feeding times to suit herself so that he will cry at pick up times.

However she may be defensive because it was a big day for her too, and she feels like it should have gone better. If that's the case then things will pick up aas the arrangement settles down, nd she won't feel the need to make little digs that are basically designed to make you feel small while bigging herself up.

You know if she's one or the other and whether or not she's got previous

sunnydelight · 11/08/2009 01:41

It doesn't sound like the best start to the arrangement tbh, it will only work if you both trust and respect each other. Going back to work and leaving you child with anyone is a huge deal and it sounds like she was a bit insensitive, it is possible under the circumstances though that you are reading a bit much into it. It will only work if you can communicate honestly so if it is becoming a pattern you need to tell her it's upsetting you.

nappyaddict · 11/08/2009 02:41

Might a childminder be a better option for you? Often relatives looking after your kids is very awkward cos you feel you can't tell them what to do like you for the sake of keeping the peace like you would with a professional arrangement.

MIAonline · 11/08/2009 08:17

She sounds like she really was trying to upset you, as someone said she was trying to deflect the fact that he was upset when you got there.

I am surprised your DH didn't know better than to repeat her rubbish actually, he should have also known it would upset you.

It is hard enough for you to leave him, without your MIL trying to score points. Just think, she must be insecure about something if she is trying to upset you to make herself feel better about something.

PrincessToadstool · 11/08/2009 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingernutlover · 11/08/2009 08:35

princess toadstool i would assume its because she cant afford a childminder or nusery, they are very expensive. DD's fees cost me more than half my wages and she is in the cheapest nursery in the area (ofsted outstanding though )

so maybe it is the only choice

Jollytired, I would bet chcoclate on the fact that she said it to cover up the fact that he had been crying before he even saw you. Your dh was insensitive to repeat the information again though and you need to tell him it upset you and ask him not to get into conversation with MIL about it.

And, yes, its true that they cry when you come to pick them up.

MorningTownRide · 11/08/2009 09:00

Agree with PrincessToadStool.

Grandparents should be for fun and spoiling -
not free childcare.

MIAonline · 11/08/2009 09:25

But, if the Grandparents want to and the child is happy, then why not. Yes, there may be issues between the MIL and DIL, but they are not together for the day whilst the GP is looking after the DC.

I personally wouldn't, but don't think that just because someone has occasional
disagreements the child should miss out and I don't think nursery or childminder is necessarily the stress free option either.

The OP has only just gone back to work and has encountered one issue with her MIL, I don't think it is entirely helpful for her to have to rethink her entire childcare based on one experience.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 11/08/2009 09:28

What a nasty thing to say. Bloody Cow.

He was probably not smiling because he had missed you and was relieved to see you. I think if I were you I would look at nursery or a childminder, even if it is just for one of the days. You don't need that crap.

waitingfornemo · 11/08/2009 09:54

I have to agree that your DH sould have known better than to repeat your MIL's nasty comment. It sounds like people are expecting a 10 month old to respond as an adult would (i.e. smile when he sees you). As other have pointed out, it is more likely that he was upset because he had missed you all day. My ds is 18 months and he often gets upset when I pick him up from the childminder. I never take it personally and put it down to being overwhelmed by tiredness, realising he hasn't seen me all day and just generally being a bit confused. He is always fine once we get home and I don't feel that our realtionship has been affected by my going back to work.
Returning to work is very hard (and your mil should be sensitive to this) but remember that the bond that you have with your son does not disapear just because he spends less time with you during the day. You are still his no. 1 and no amount of insensitive comments can change that.

SweetApril · 11/08/2009 11:10

Do you normally have a good relationship with MIL? It was a big day for all of you and maybe she was just trying to show that it had gone so well your DS wasn't that fussed when you came home. My (lovely) childminder used to behave in a similar way in the early months of leaving DD - ie would almost seem pleased if DD cried when I arrived or if she didn't want to leave. I think she just wanted to emphasise the fact that DD liked being there. It never really upset me tbh - I would have been much more upset if DD cried at the prospect of being left with her.

But if your MIL is always having little digs then that's different - as stuffitlllama says it does depend on whether she's got previous!

Either way I'd be inclined to go along with it (as I did with DD's childminder) and say, "Ooh, no smiles for Mummy? That means you must have had a fun day with grandma!" Puts you back in the driving seat and might help you to rise above it.

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/08/2009 11:14

If that upset you just wait to he hurts himself whilst your both there and he goes to her. I know it was a tough day but please don't think he doesn't love you of course he does, why do you think he was so upset. Next time juts say to him I'm so sorry for leaving you here

Satsuma1 · 11/08/2009 11:22

I'm not sure she was intentionally trying to upset you, but it was an extremely stupid and insensitive thing to say!

You will be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual having just returned to work and it is a very hard thing to do (I know, having recently had to do it myself). As others have already said, try not to dwell on it or to let it upset you. I found that DS did sometimes did cry a bit when I picked him up (when he'd be fine all day), as he suddenly realises you've been away.

It does get better.

BradfordMum · 11/08/2009 11:25

Hhm, I think you'd better look for different childcare.
You will find it gets harder the more she looks after him.

Satsuma1 · 11/08/2009 11:29

Also meant to say that IL's looking after your DC's can work. My PIL have DS 1 day a week and it has worked very well so far. However, I do have a good relationship with them.

They have both said things about DS which have annoyed me, but I try to think how I would react if it had been my parents who had said those things. That often puts a different perspective on the comments and allows me to step back a bit and see them for what they are (just thoughtless comments).

lal123 · 11/08/2009 11:35

I can see why you would be annoyed -but I think you have to have some perspective. If she is trying to upset you - they she has succeeded! Don't let her see that she has upset you! If she didn't mean to upset you then its nto worth bothering about. Icertianly wouldn't change childcare arrangements based on your first day!

My MIL has looked after my DD since she was 6 months old - shes nearly 6. DD loves her granny to bits, and isn't always happy to see me! But the slight jealousy I have is nothing when I think of the wonderful relationship DD has with MIL.

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