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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think MIL was intentially trying to upset me today

40 replies

JollyTired · 10/08/2009 22:11

My MIL looked after my 10 month old DS for the first time today as I have returned to work. When I went to pick him up she greeted me at the front door holding my DS - who didn't look particularly happy and had apparently been crying. A little later on my FIL asked whether my DS had been pleased to see me and, without giving me a chance to speak, she replied that no he had not seemed particularly pleased to see me!! I felt a tad put out but thought perhaps I was being a little oversensitive.

However, when my DH returned home this evening after having dropped by his mother's on the way he said I hear DS didn't smile at you when you got back today. I feel quite that she'd mentioned it again - am I being oversensitive??

OP posts:

funtimewincies · 11/08/2009 11:54

Does she disapprove of you returning to work?

It could be a non-too-subtle 'in my day we didn't leave our children' type thing like my mum tried when I went back to work.

Original poster

JollyTired · 11/08/2009 19:10

oh no she was very much a career woman so I don't think she has an issue with me returning to work. Having thought about it some more today I've concluded that she was trying to say, in a rather insensitive way, that because he'd spent a lovely day with her he wasn't too bothered about seeing me.

I can't afford alternative childcare arrangements as some suggested so I'll have to just become less sensitive.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/08/2009 22:08

Your husband and MIL sound insensitive and stupid. Small children don't like change. They will cry when you take them to nursery/ grannies etc and cry when you take them home. That's just the nature of small children. If your MIL is using it as a weapon then I'd be reluctant to leave any children with her as her knowledge of kids is poor and she sounds unpleasant. I would ask husband why he felt the need to bring this up in front of you and why his mother gloated about it.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 22:11

I feel for you. My son said to me "furr glamma". (i prefer grandma). That wasn't just his grandmother's spin on it!! he said it! nearly died.

gingerbunny · 11/08/2009 22:21

horrible woman, it's awful having to go back to work and leave them, you must be feeling bad enough as it is will out her little comments.
She is just trying to make you feel bad, is she of the mind set that mothers should stay at home and look after their children and not go to work?
I bet your ds was very pleased to see you, sometimes they get upset when you get home, because they are so relieved to see you.
I think she was also trying to get away from the fact that he was upset before you got there.
don't let her get to you, she's obviously bitter and twisted.

stuffitlllama · 12/08/2009 03:14

I wouldn't give up on it if you are tough enough. Have you thought that if she was "very much a career woman", she may not have looked after babies very much herself at your age. And she may be quite underconfident and worried about it inside, and is going on the attack to defend as it were.

That is the most generous interpretation I have EVER put on a mil's behaviour. I don't know what's come over me.

gingernutlover · 12/08/2009 07:08

having just read your post again jollytired, yes i think you are right, she was probably being unintentionally insensitive and meant it as a "look how well I have done, he's not worried about you leaving him, isn't he happy with me" comment rather than "he wasnt pleased to see you" comment.

If it's your only option re childcare then its best to view it in this way because he's going to be spending a lot of time with her.

I am pretty sure my dd would choose my mum to spend a day with over me sometimes - "grandmas are fun and they spoil me" and mummy's are always there doign all the boring stuff.

It's all very well other MNetters sayign you should just pay for a nursery or childminder instead - for some people that is simply not an option financially. You have to find a way to work with her on this for everyones sake.

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/08/2009 07:23

My mum looked afer DD and I ahve to say it is hard when you walk in and they don't seem to care but the flip side is they are comfortable where they are and have been looked after well by someone they know loves them. Honestly its a good thing.

shabster · 12/08/2009 07:52

I look after my 14month old grandson every afternoon while my DIL works. At first, even though I have had 4 DS, it was so difficult. I was really, really tired and very anxious that I was doing it 'all wrong.'

The first week was hard...my GS was very clingy and cried for his Mummy. I found myself saying things like 'oh he has been so good' when, if truth be known, he would have much preferred to be with his Mummy.

Now we have great fun and I try my best to stick with the routine he has at home. I email his Mummy every night with all the information about what he has been up to, what he has eaten, any worries etc etc. My son picks him up and then they go and get Mummy from work.

Often I think we all 'bite our lips' because comments like the one you are talking about are said without a lot of thought - I think it sounds like your MIL is as nervous as you are about the babysitting and the words have tumbled out.

I hope it works out for you and your LO xx

TreeTrunkThighs · 12/08/2009 08:03

I think shabster speaks very wise words

pleasechange · 12/08/2009 08:15

It sounds like a terribly insensitive thing to say and I would be really annoyed if I were you. If this is a one-off though then maybe you're right, and it was for the reason you've suggested. However, the fact that she'd discussed it with your DH and it got repeated to you, makes me doubt that, sorry

If you generally get on well and this type of situation is not repeated, it will probably be fine

I think the reason some people are saying cm or nursery, is that for many people, free childcare from relatives is simply not an option. In these cases, people have to find a way to make it work financially, otherwise many many people would never have children at all (for example my family live abroad and inlaws live too far away also, so I just have to pay for childcare, it's not a matter of whether I can afford it or not). Not suggesting you should do this, I'm just trying to shed light on why some people may be saying they would find an alternative

screamingabdab · 12/08/2009 09:07

It sounds unintentionally insensitive to me, as others have said but only you can really tell, in the context of your relationship with her, whether it is likely to have been intentional

If, after some thought, you do think it was intentional, then I don't really see how you can continue to use her for childcare

katiestar · 12/08/2009 09:21

Insensitive thing to say.But I doubt she meant any harm.I think it is great youir DS is being looked after by someone who loves him.He will probably more and more not want to come home at the end of the day which will be galling for you , but you just have to put your DS's happiness before your own.

AliGrylls · 12/08/2009 09:39

YANBU - why would anyone say that? Some people just lack tact.

WinkyWinkola · 12/08/2009 09:42

You're his mum! I'm sure he was pleased to see you. You're irreplaceable to him.

It definitely wasn't a kind thing to say to a mum who probably misses her child and maybe feels guilty about going back to work. (speculation here so ignore it if I'm completely inaccurate)

I'd let this comment slide actually - although I do wonder what she was trying to prove by mentioning it to your DH - and see how things go.

If he's been crying, coo and fuss over him and ask him why he's been crying but don't worry, mummy's here now. Focus on your boy not the claptrap your MIL might come out with.

How has she been in the past with you since your DS was born?

Is she one of those weird people who feel the need to compete with mothers as the most important person in the DCs life? There's lots of it about and not only confined to MILs.

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