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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end this relationship forever even though I still love him

40 replies

Girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 10:21

I need real, blunt advice please and I know I will find that in AIBU.

My exp drinks to excess - I would say he is an alcoholic, he was unfaithful to me many, many times, though he says it mean't nothing and very controlling and verbally abusive.

His drinking and gambling have led our family to financial ruin, we have no nice things because he sells them when he runs out of money.

He slept on the sofa for a year before he moved out as I couldn't stand to sleep in the same bed as him due to his drinking. He refuses to seek help for this, although he says he knows he has a problem.

He is though, a great father and he and our ds have a very strong bond.

He has a good job and does well there.

He thinks he should be allowed to move back in and I should help him with his problems, they way he did with mine. I had depression years ago but it never really affected our every day life. It flared up again after the birth of ds as dp was very unsupportive.

I know I am probably not the easiest person to be with (are any of us?) But I do believe that the majority of our problems and arguments stemmed from his drinking. He also says he has a personality disorder and this is why he behaves like he does.

Please just tell me how it is. I need to hear it because I feel so guilty and unsure about my decisions.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 10/08/2009 10:24

YAsooooooo NBU and I think you know it steer well clear!!

OnlyWantsOne · 10/08/2009 10:26

YANBU

You will probably feel guilty, but why should you? You dont force him to drink that much, that is his decision / problem - he should seek help, and not rely on you for support whilst you are caring for DS.

Then he should approach you...

K999 · 10/08/2009 10:28

If he wont get help then whats the point in carrying on? You will always feel like this. If he truly wants to be with you then you should give him an ultimatum...seek professional help or you will not let him move back in.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 10/08/2009 10:31

Girlonadolphin - my heart goes out to you, finding yourself in this awful position.

One thing that surprises me about your post is that you say your DH is a good Dad and holds down a good job. But being a good Dad is about setting a good example, and if he drinks and gambles and sells your things, that is not the way a young boy should be shown about the ways of manhood.

You have to find your own answers, but when you put it in black and white as you have - drinking, gambling, womanising, abuse, makes an outsider wonder why you would stay with this man.

I wonder whether your confidence has become so eroded that you think he is all you deserve? It is not so. You have a right to be happy and can change your life.

There are many MNers who have been in difficult situations with men like this who will be along to give you more advice.

Rindercella · 10/08/2009 10:33

Why do you still love a man who has shown you such little regard? If being unfaitful many, many times meant nothing to him, why did he choose to do it? He acknowledges that he has a drink problem, yet refuses to do anything about it. He was unsupportive following the birth of your DS - that does not make a 'great father'. A great father is there for both his partner and his child, supporting them and helping them. He does not go off drinking, sleeping around, and gambling.

He is trying to push the bllame of this on to you, so that now you are the one who is feeling guilty for ending the relationship. The guilt, of course, lies with him.

Why hasn't he sought help with his drinking, gambling and 'personality disorded' before? Is he making any attempt to address any of these things now?

Personally I would say that he needs to clearly demonstrate a heck of a lot more commitment to making radical changes within himself before you even considered taking him back (if ever).

Original poster
Girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 10:37

I have told him that he must seek professional help. I have given him 6 months to do that. He says that he will but I know he won't. If he would just do that and show a real committment to it, it would make such a difference.

One to one with ds he is the best father you could imagine, endlessly patient and loving. However selling your ds's wii on the grounds that "he does not really use it anyway" it NOT being a good father is it?

OP posts:
LightShinesInTheDarkness · 10/08/2009 10:40

girlonadolphin - how old is your DS?

Original poster
Girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 10:41

Ds is almost 7.

OP posts:
Stigaloid · 10/08/2009 10:44

YANBU - don't let him return until he has stopped drinking for a year. He is using selfish and sly tactics here and don't fall for it.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 10/08/2009 10:47

Leave him. YOu don't love him. It's yourself that you don't love enough.
don't use your son as an excuse. You can move 150 metres away from eachother, and if your x stays sober and shows respect to the pair of you, then he will not lose his bond with his son. YOU meanwhile can get on with your life, without being verbally abused.

He is not worthy of your love.

Original poster
Girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 10:51

Rindercella I suppose I feel sorry for him really. He seems to be trapped in this cycle of drinking and screwing up and every crappy thing he has ever done has been as a result of drinking. I think he drinks because he had a pretty crap time as a kid. He just seems so lost and messed up sometimes and I don't think I really hold him responsible for things he does, it is all the fault of the drink. I suppose that is a bit nuts though isn't it? Therefore I can't really stop loving him for what he does because I blame it on the drink. I feel like exP and the drink are two separate things. I suppose though that if he really loved me he would make more of an effort to stop drinking as he knows it leads to these behaviours. He makes no effort to do that though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 10:57

Maggiebellevirgo "You can move 150 metres away from eachother, and if your x stays sober and shows respect to the pair of you, then he will not lose his bond with his son. YOU meanwhile can get on with your life, without being verbally abused."

That is my perfect scenario.

I feel more sure I have done the right thing already. Thank everyone. I just can't seem to keep a clear head about it. He is not a horrible man, he is a man with problems and that makes it so hard. He has some great qualities but the drinking and the bad decisions made due to drinking far outweigh the good stuff by miles.

OP posts:
giveloveachance · 10/08/2009 11:04

I had a relative who had a serious drinking problem, various family members tried to help and encourage that they seek professional advice but to no avail.

in the end I went along to a friends and family session associated with Alcoholics Anonymous - it was a huge eye opener and I recommend you go along too. They will explain to you that you can't really help an alcoholic - they seek people who will enable their behaviour, forgive them repeatedly, feel sorry for them and therefor make it easier for them to carry on their behaviour. i was shocked to the core when I was told this, but it was true. The minute we stopped trying to help, making excuses, etc etc the problem was firmly put on our relatives shoulders and they took responsiblity for it.

You can't blame it on the drink - drink in the bottle wont hurt you - he picks it up knowing the effect it will have but drinks it anyway.

beanieb · 10/08/2009 11:04

"However selling your ds's wii on the grounds that "he does not really use it anyway" it NOT being a good father is it? "

It's not being a bad father either though. If your son wasn't using it then selling it is fine IMO. Though hopefully he reinvested the cash into something else for your DS?

Aside from that though he sounds like a loser and you shouldn't let him move back in, at least not until he has got the help he says he will.

You just need to tell him that if he doesn't get the help he has promised to get within the time limit you specified then there's not chance at all that he will be coming back. The rest is up to him. IMO you can move on so much more quickly if he isn't there all the time.

Original poster
girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 11:12

beanieb Well if he had sold it for groceries or to pay the rent I don't suppose I would be mentioning it on here would I? He sold it to go on the piss like he always does. He got £120.00 for it by the time I got back from a weekend away it was gone.

You are right though, he needs to get help or stay away. You are all right. I just need to post on here to get some outside perspective. Sometimes you just get caught up in things and can't see the bigger picture.

OP posts:
MaggieBelleVirgo · 10/08/2009 11:18

GOAD, put into place your ideal scenario. You can't make him be sober, or responsible, but you CAN be a good mother (and that means removing your son from tense warzone atmosphere and from the example your husband is setting with his drinking).

He'll make you feel guilty no doubt. Try not to get drawn into it long debates about your decision. Pick one phrase that is difficult to argue with, such as "I don't want to live with you". NO matter what he says, repeat that phrase.

I thought my children's father was at least a good father before I left him. A few years on, he is only making the effort to do any parenting now. He did nothing, made no effort, tolerated the kids and the noise before I left. ANd I believed he was a great father purely because he did love them. Yes he did love them, but he was horrible to me in front of them, and he was shit as a Dad. But I didn't see it. I awarded him this status as 'good dad' despite the fact that he wasn't a good man at all. (I know your husband is different - just saying, judgement about how good a father he actually is can be clouded when you're in the eye of the storm)

Overmydeadbody · 10/08/2009 11:21

YA so NBU

Get rid of him for good.

Any 'love' you feel for him will soon subside.

Doesn't matyter how great a father he is (and if he drinks that much he can't be that great). you don't have to waste your life with him.

Overmydeadbody · 10/08/2009 11:25

He is selfish and has no respect for you.

Why would you even contemplate trying to stay with him?

Original poster
girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 11:25

He does do stuff for ds now but I had to ask so many times before he would and he was so abusive when I did. I remember him saying when ds was tiny "Don't ask me to do anything for ds today, I need a day off, just pretend I am not here, I will do stuff for him tommorrow" after he had been on a three day piss up. Another time he called me lazy and other names that I don't want to say because I asked him to take ds out to the park alone. He does it all without complaint now but I resent that I had to be called disgusting names and told I was lazy etc just to get him to do normal father stuff.

I want him to stay gone, I want it with almost every part of me, I just feel very sorry for him and selfish because I so very much prefer being alone. Then of course sometimes I do feel lonely and sad. So when he is not here I either feel guilty or lonely and sad. It is all very confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 11:27

giveloveachance Can you tell more about that. I have had Al-anon recommended to me by a friend. Is that what you went to. I think I need to hear "experts" telling me that kind of stuff.

OP posts:
MaggieBelleVirgo · 10/08/2009 11:36

that shows that he thinks childcare is your job.

I'm guessing that his ideal scenario, you would do everything for ds, not complain, never ask him to help, let him spend all the disposable income (and some more) on drink, and never, ever comment on his drinking, his bad humours......

you've told us your ideal scenario, they're very different. gl in your new life without him.

Original poster
girlonadolphin · 10/08/2009 11:41

Just looked at Al-anon website and there is a meeting in my area on this week. Right there on the site it says something about feeling that their drinking is your fault, which is exactly how I feel. I think I need to speak to people in a similar situation.

I think that the ideal situation you describe for him MBV is exactly right. He always used to say he couldn't wait to move out to get away from my "nagging." Never considered actually stopping drinking, he offered it but never did. I think he just hoped I would eventually shut up about it. That just shows how much he really cares doesn't it?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/08/2009 11:57

'Leave him. YOu don't love him. It's yourself that you don't love enough.'

Hammer hitting nailhead here.

Spot on.

GET RID of this man and get to Al-Anon and request to be referred for counselling by your GP.

You don't need someone who cheats on you again and again, abuses you, sells your child's things for drink, is an alcoholic and refuses to get help.

MummyDragon · 10/08/2009 12:07

If he wanted to get help re. the drinking, he would do it now, not in 6 months' time.

So sorry you're going through this.

MamaLazarou · 10/08/2009 12:12

YANBU

No-one can make an alcoholic get help. Saddest thing in the world to love someone who is destroying themselves.

Big hugs to you darling xxxx