to end this relationship forever even though I still love him

[Girlonadolphin]

I need real, blunt advice please and I know I will find that in AIBU.

My exp drinks to excess - I would say he is an alcoholic, he was unfaithful to me many, many times, though he says it mean't nothing and very controlling and verbally abusive.

His drinking and gambling have led our family to financial ruin, we have no nice things because he sells them when he runs out of money.

He slept on the sofa for a year before he moved out as I couldn't stand to sleep in the same bed as him due to his drinking. He refuses to seek help for this, although he says he knows he has a problem.

He is though, a great father and he and our ds have a very strong bond.

He has a good job and does well there.

He thinks he should be allowed to move back in and I should help him with his problems, they way he did with mine. I had depression years ago but it never really affected our every day life. It flared up again after the birth of ds as dp was very unsupportive.

I know I am probably not the easiest person to be with (are any of us?) But I do believe that the majority of our problems and arguments stemmed from his drinking. He also says he has a personality disorder and this is why he behaves like he does.

Please just tell me how it is. I need to hear it because I feel so guilty and unsure about my decisions.

Stop feeling guilty and stop feeling sorry for him.
His problems are of his own making. He refuses to get help. Therefore he alone is responsible for his behaviour.
None of this is your fault. No wonder you prefer being alone. Living with him must have been hell and you've put enough effort in. It's time for him to do his bit.
Please, don't even consider taking him back till he's got himself sorted out and proved that he can maintain it.

Sorry, I know stopping is easier said than done.

"No-one can make an alcoholic get help. Saddest thing in the world to love someone who is destroying themselves." . It is very hard. That is why I am able to separate the man and the things he does. He wouldn't do it if he didn't drink but if he cared enough he wouldn't drink. I know alcoholism is an illness but he is NOT physically dependent and I deep down believe that he could put his family first if he wanted to. Although even if he can't I have to do damage limitation don't I? You don't just allow yourself to stay in a situation that will cause pain or chaos to two other people (me and ds) do you? Its like keeping on driving car when you know the brakes don't work properly.

Thanks for your posts. I feel a lot more confident now.

Horrible, difficult and really painful for you.
I was with an alcoholic for a while - similar scenario but without the gambling.
When he talked about getting help I realised that I just didn't love him enough to put myself through being the partner of a recovering alcoholic thus staying in an intolerable relationship.
I don't believe he ever would have got the help.

All thoughts with you.

I think that you're being really, really hard on yourself. It's ok that you love him and care for him and feel sad for him. It's also ok, though, that you want to keep some distance. Things obviously feel safer and on a more even keel when he's not in the house and you and ds need that stability, even though you miss him. It doesn't mean that you don't care or that you don't love him, it demonstrates that you're strong enough to do the right thing. You are not responsible for his behaviour and you cannot sort this out for him. He needs to do that for himself. If he's able to keep having contact with ds and if that contact is positive then great. From your point of view, though, you clearly feel you need this time away from him. Please don't underestimate the impact this may have had on you as it sounds as though he's been abusive over a long period of time. I would echo the suggestion that you look to get some support for yourself. Just do a search under drug and alcohol services in your area and you will probably find a local charity that can at least point you in the right direction.

I couldnt read and run. I grew up in an alcoholic family and now I am an adult I am resentful of growing up in a chaotic family, even though it was a middle class one. My father is now in his 70's, widowed and STILL an alcoholic and causing all sorts of problems for us children.

Your DH is an adult. Every morning he wakes up and makes an adult descision to drink, to gamble, to sleep with other women, to upset his little family. He makes those choices. You are also an adult and you must make the right choices in your life, not make excuses for his bad choices.

I know it sounds blunt but I have had a life time of manipulation from alcoholics and it is sly, wrong and damaging. If he wants to be part of the family, then he must behave as an adult. End of.

Hello,

Sorry you are going through this..

I too grew up with an alcoholic dad, he eventually had a complete mental breakdown (when my grandad died), spent 3 years rocking in a chair befire finally my mum took him to the local mental health unit and left him there overnight! He then sought help (for his breakdown) and all this led to him not drinking. He is now (almost 20 years later) still sober and the best dad ever, I met him for a pub lunch today where he had a pint.. of orange juice! So, alcoholics can come good BUT in my case what this created was my very sad, bitter, mother who to this day makes my dad "pay" for his mistakes.

Please don't end up like her. The booze is your ex's choice of lifestyle, sad as it may be to see a good man kept down by the drink, you cannot change him, he must do that for himself.

Good luck

SOmething I think you need to hear is this. IT'S OK NOT TO LOVE THIS KNOBBER. For whatever reasons, you have got hold of the idea that 'loving' this abusive inadequate waste of space is some kind of duty or obligation because he's a man and you are a woman and everyone else in his life has had the sense to run away from him.
He can either get help or do the Darwininan thing and drink himself to death - you owe him nothing and should feel no guilt about putting yourself and your children first, second, third and in every place ahead of this man. His problems are his own fault, not yours, and right ow he isn't going to seek help because he doesn't want to. You have kicked him out: if he still has his hair and teeth he will whine his way into another woman's life with stories of how special and misunderstood he is - it's only when he has lost his looks and started pissing himself in the street and therefore can't attract caretaking women any more that he will consider seeking help.

Oh I feel tonnes better about things having read some of these posts. Thank you so much for replying to me.

Thanks for telling me your stories about your experiences with alcoholics. I am going to al anon this week and I think that will be really helpful.

I think I must have very low self esteem because I feel selfish and like a real twunt of a person for actually enjoying being without him and not having him in the home. Thank you SGB for saying it is ok to feel like that.

"it's only when he has lost his looks and started pissing himself in the street and therefore can't attract caretaking women any more that he will consider seeking help."

I think this is very true. His Mum was his caretaker before me, she is very controlling and I always thought that was where his problems stemmed from, now I think that she was doing damage limitation. I think he fully expected that I would just take her place.

LisaD1 That made me feel quite scared, about your mum I mean still being bitter and angry even though he has stopped drinking. I can see that being me, I feel that I am already like that. Even if he stopped drinking I think I would just become furious then. That has actually made me see that while I blame his actions on the drink if he actually stopped and that wasn't in the way I would actually have to start thinking properly about what he has done to me.

My head feels a lot clearer now. I am going to save this thread to read whenever I start feeling crap again.

End it, absolutely, you will look back in a few years and wonder why on earth you waited so long.

Hi girlonadolphin

Glad the replies form everyone have helped you. I didn't mean to scare/upset you with my reply about my mum but I do hope it will help you not become her. She is often angry at us kids (all grown up now though) too, and has never said it but I feel she is angry that we all still adore our dad after all he put us through. The thing is, I don't really blame my dad, he was in the clinches of an addiction, I actually blame her! She chose to stay and keep us all in that environment, she could have walked at anytime and taken us with her. Instead, her choice was to stand by her husband, no matter what her kids got to see, and along the way she lost herself, we lost respect for her, yet gained it for dad when he sobered up! The family life of an alcoholic is often screwed up all round, get yourslef out of there, for good, build a new life for you and your son, I'm sure there will be tough times (being a single mum is never easy) but you can do it x

Go to Al-Anon xx

Get yourself happy, no chance with him only without.

Well he let me down for babysitting for Al-anon. Try again next week.

Feeling pretty crap now. We had a row yesterday and he said that ds will know when he is older that it was really me that broke the relationship up with my nagging and being unreasonable. He says I will "turn" on ds as soon as he gets older and stops doing what I want. I feel like my head is going to explode when he says things like that. Also it is my fault the marriage failed as I have been married before and that didn't work out.

I would never tell my ds about the things that exp has done, I wouldn't want him to know things like that about his father. Ds already takes exP side completely anyway. When he was just a little younger he told me he didn't love me because I was always shouting at Daddy for being at work (Daddy had just got back from yet another 3 day bender where he switched off his phone and had no contact with us!)

I feel like my relationship with ds being eroded bit by bit and there is nothing I can do about it. So bloody depressed today.

girlonadolphin, My first marriage was a replica of your relationship (with added violence), and like you I was worried about how DS would perceived his father as he got older.

I never told him about my relationship with his Father (we divorced when DS was 3).

DS saw his Father, (supervised by his paternal Grandparents) till he was 10, by which time his Father was turning up at his Grandparents, once in a blue moon (usually because he was on a bender, with Grandparents trying to cover for it by now)

Although we lived 10 minutes away from exH, their contact became less and less.

When DS was in his 20's he decided to initiate contact with his Father.

His Father turned up drunk. DS asked him to leave (and not because he was actually drunk, DS is a rugby player, who spent most of his youth in the club after the game, so has been that way himself a few times, but Thank God does know when to say no)

His father then told him that I had turned him into a MiniMe nagging him about having a good time.

DS said no it was because he could rememebr even at three, what his Father was really like.

I hadnt needed to tell him, the residual memories where there.

Three years ago, DS got married,shortly after he and DDIL met his Father in a pub.

DS tried again and introduced his wife.

He got a torrent of abuse, because he had got married without his Father permission, without inviting him.

DDIL stood up to him, after DS stood shaking, just like I used to when I got the abuse, DDIL was not going to let it happen to DS and told ExH in no uncertain terms to never contact them again.

Please Please leave him, do not let your DS become his Fathers person to blame, he will, when he has not got you to blame he will turn to the next person in the line.

You and your DS dererve a better life, and you WILL find one.

Stay with him and it will only get worse.