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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want xp to take DD to her Father's house?

49 replies

NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 11:46

Have obviously namechanged for this.

Background-DP and I split up 4 months ago and in the agreement we came to over access to DD (4) I insisted that DD was NOT ever allowed to vist xp's parent's house.

The reason being DP's Father sexually abused her from the age of 3 to 19.

Whilst we were together I had to endure these visits becasue I loved DP and wanted to support her.It also meant that DD wasn't ever left alone for a second with this man-I was always there to protect her.

XP thinks I am being unreasonable to not allow her to take DD to their house on her own.

AIBU????

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 09/08/2009 11:50

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hatesponge · 09/08/2009 11:52

YANBU at all.

Does DP still have a relationship with her father then? Am assuming from that other family members don't know about the abuse & there was never any police/SS involvement etc.

Would it be possible for a mutual friend to go with DP and DD on these visits to give you some peace of mind? I can see possibly having members of your DP's family there, if they don't know about the abuse, or ignored the signs when it was ongoing, wouldn't offer much reassurance.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 12:00

Xp does still have a realtionship with her Father.
She told her Mother and Brother some months ago and it was brushed under he carpet(by the Mother who emotionally abused her).Brother was fairly supportive but lives miles away.

I know that the risk of him abusing DD is miniscule but if,for exaple XP went to the loo,DD could be left on her own with this man.

As a Mother,I don't want my child exposed to a paedophile for a single second if I could stop it.

I have said they can meet in a restaurant/pub/park etc where there are other people around,just not at the house.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 09/08/2009 12:02

I agree with you absolutely. There is no way I would have my child at that house, full stop. And I would be looking for legal ways to prevent it.

Horrible situation for you x

ilovemydogandmrobama · 09/08/2009 12:05

i don't understand. DP's father sexually abused who?

edam · 09/08/2009 12:05

Agree that you need a solicitor ASAP. And ask the solicitor about contacting Social Services.

Guess the problem will be the father has never been formally accused, much less convicted. But see what the solicitor says.

Sparkletastic · 09/08/2009 12:08

YANBU and do resort to legal measures if ex-DP won't agree or can't be trusted. Is ex-DP struggling to deal with the past perhaps since her mother not supporting her? Perhaps she is in denial about it and you highlighting concerns about DD is forcing her to face up to things....

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 12:08

XP's Father abused XP-XP is female....

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Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 12:12

He was never charged and it was never reported so only have XP's word against his.
Sparkle-she is kind of in denial but it has had a profound effect on her life which is why I struggle to understand why she would want to expose our DD to it.

We have enough mutual friends who know about the abuse (she had counselling) so getting "evidence" to present wouldn't be too difficult.

XP has agreed for the time being to my request but has sarted making noises about wantng to take DD here.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I needed a Mumsnet view.

Stewie-Interesting point-and a damned scary one too.....we have a "gentleman's agreement" at the moment but things are turning sour.

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drinkyourmilk · 09/08/2009 12:14

Have you asked her why she is willing to take the risk of it happening to her daughter? I don't understand why someone who was abused would even think about exposing their child to an abuser!

Stick to your guns and seek legal advice as a cautionary measure.

Was it an amicable enough split? Would you be willing to accompany them once or twice a year?

Silver1 · 09/08/2009 12:15

yanbu but You are in a tricky "legal" position to stop her. If she has contact then to a degree what she does in that time is up to her provided that she keeps your DD -safe-, AND she is not going against a court order.
Now one problem you may encounter and you have to be prepared for, is that it seems that you did as a family visit the GPs home. Therefore she could try and argue that you considered it a safe place for your child.

I personally do not understand why it is that she would even want to visit her parents after all that has gone on. If it is because she is emotionally vulnerable to their approval then I would fight tooth and nail to have a court agreed contact arrangement that specifies your child cannot go to the grandparents home, because to be frank that state of mind leaves your child vulnerable.

drinkyourmilk · 09/08/2009 12:16

Sorry - you've answered all this already. I type slowly!

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 12:49

It wasn't an amicable split but we have both tried to remain amicable as far as DD is concerned.
She had PR-is notpaying a penny of maintenance but I would never stop her seeing DD-they adore each other.

I just want to protect DD.

I wouldn't accompany them on visit as I havabsolutely NO desire to see either of thm again.I only di i the first place to help xp.

I think that it is still a bit of a grey area when it comes to same sex couples,parental esponsibility etc etc.

Need to find asolicitor who "gets" it.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 09/08/2009 12:59

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Overmydeadbody · 09/08/2009 13:02

YANBU

Why would your ex even want to keep seeing her father? And why isn't she as protective over her daughter as you are? I would be very worried in your situaation and would refuse.

toughmuv · 09/08/2009 13:04

YANBU!!!! If I could type that bigger, I would.

Sorry, but the chances of XP's father setting his sights on DD are actually very large. From what I know of sexual abuse, the abused child can become almost obsessed with pleasing the abusive parent - that can sometimes mean offering 'gifts' to them.

I'll probably get hassled for saying this, but your DD is in real danger if she spends time with this person.

I agree with others, get legal advice ASAP. Maybe ring some of the abuse support lines to see if they know of a solicitor who 'gets' it.

Big (((((((((hugs)))))) and good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/08/2009 13:07

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Cowardice · 09/08/2009 13:08

Oh pet...

I have just namechanged to start a thread which includes childhood abuse too, I was abused by my father, and I know how hard my DH finds it.

I understand you prefectly.. but as a mother herself, your DP would never ever want your dd going through the childhood that she did, so she will be more than aware when in her dad's company - don't you think?

Cowardice · 09/08/2009 13:11

Toughmuv I am so so saddened at this sentence " From what I know of sexual abuse, the abused child can become almost obsessed with pleasing the abusive parent - that can sometimes mean offering 'gifts' to them."

I have vast experience of abuse, and of working with abused children who are now adults... and none of them would ever offer their children as gifts to peadophiles.

I know I can't speak for everyone who has been abused, and I'm sure there are some who would do what you have suggested, just none I have ever had experiences with.

nappyaddict · 09/08/2009 13:12

Could you agree to let her take DD their but to promise she won't ever leave her on her own not even to go to the toilet or whatever?

toughmuv · 09/08/2009 13:16

Cowardice - I'm really sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention. I also have a lot of experience with abuse and have seen that sort of thing happen - usually, I should have said, unintentionally.

I'm sorry, again, I really did not mean to upset you or anyone.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 13:21

Thank you for all your replies-really helpful.

She would never harm DD or risk her being harmed but she just doesn't see her Father as a threat .

I could get her to "promise" not to leave her for a secon but things can happen and as far as I am concerned,if she is in that house she is at risk (however miniscule).

I could be seen as being malicious as no charges were ever brought-however,the abuse had sch a profound effect on xp,many of our friends know the story,a local counsellor knows about it-there are enough people who could verify my side of the story.

I eally don't want it to go to court but if it is the only way to protect DD,I will.

XP sees me as being "difficult" and making her access time with DD "difficult" becasue I have placed certain restrictions.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 09/08/2009 13:24

It sounds as if she is listening to your concerns in that she hasn't done anything without your agreement. This is a good thing.

At the moment if she doesn't have parental responsibility, then effectively she has the status of a friend, and you can call the shots. If she does apply for parental responsibility and contact order, you apply for a prohibited steps order which would be reasonable in the circumstances, and if xP's dad wanted contact with your DD, then he could apply to the court -- lots of grandparents do.

Cowardice · 09/08/2009 13:26

Toughmuv - you didn't upset me I was just saying it was sad that some abuse survivors may do that.. that's all.

NeedOpinions - I totally see where you're coming from. My dh has asked me never to visit my father alone, and I never do. What if I had to go to the toilet? Do I bundle all my children into the bathroom with me? With them in total confusion as to what's happening?

What age is your DD? Is she the age where you can give her 'the talk' about her body being hers & no-one should touch her in a way that's wrong etc? I began at an early age with my children, and am as confident as I can be that my children know to tell me right away & that they know it's wrong. It seems a shame that no-one ever give me that talk....

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 13:30

DD is 4yrs old and I have had that conversation-to he point when a Dr wanted to examine her-it was a problem....needed to change tack a little after that!

XP does have Parental responsibility-that's what scares me.......

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