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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want xp to take DD to her Father's house?

49 replies

NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 11:46

Have obviously namechanged for this.

Background-DP and I split up 4 months ago and in the agreement we came to over access to DD (4) I insisted that DD was NOT ever allowed to vist xp's parent's house.

The reason being DP's Father sexually abused her from the age of 3 to 19.

Whilst we were together I had to endure these visits becasue I loved DP and wanted to support her.It also meant that DD wasn't ever left alone for a second with this man-I was always there to protect her.

XP thinks I am being unreasonable to not allow her to take DD to their house on her own.

AIBU????

OP posts:
Silver1 · 09/08/2009 14:29

To be frank it's not just what he might do- it's also what he might be thinking as he looks at her.

NeedOpinions- the Law Society has a website-on it you can search for solictitors by their field you could try by looking for someone in your area who is a member of the Children Panel Accreditation Scheme.

I wish you well.

mamas12 · 09/08/2009 15:04

Unfortunately I have in my divorce papers that my dc are not to stay at my parents at all. Which we never did anyway.
But whenever we visited there I never left them alone with him EVER,and he has never been to my house, and my ex knew this so he was just making it official in the divorce because there were never any police involvement in our family,re: abuse, only the priest!
You get into the mindset of day to day, minute to minute risk assessment situations for survival and that extends to your dcs too. I try to steer well clear, so I think you are doing exactly the right thing KEEP HER OUT OF TEMPTATION WAY
Sounds garbled but basically wanted to say go with your instinct and do whatever you can to keep dd safe and explain to ex you are only thinking of dd and that can't be a bad thing.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/08/2009 15:09

No, I wouldn't take that chance. I think it is very sad that your ex doesn't see it that way. It is awful what she went through but your first responsibility is to your child and that means NEVER knowingly putting them in a situation where there is risk of abuse. If your ex can't see that, then that's a shame, but you need to protect your daughter from the possible consequences of your ex's choices.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 20:04

I am relieved that I seem NBU but the advice here has been great too.As always.
Silver-I used to shudder every time we went there and he gave her a hug/kiss hello or goodbye-she is a very affectionate and tactile child adn so I agree-it's not just what he might do.....I go cold thinking about the times I had to go there-but I was there and could protect DD.

OP posts:
msled · 09/08/2009 20:08

I wouldn't let her see my daughter until I had a cast iron promise, in writing, that she would not take her to see this awful man. Simple as that. If I had so much as a sniff that she broke that promise, back to court and no access at all. Leopards don't change their spots.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 21:52

I have an email agreeing to the condition that staes DD is not to visit X address or anywhere where she may be left on her own with this man.
As cast iron as I can get.
Unless I get a court order (it appears) there is nothing that I can do to stop her if she chooses to take her there.
As she has full PR-I seem to have little rights over what she does with DD.Unless I thought there was a real risk,I would never stop her seeing DD as they really do have a lovely relationship (which is why it is so bizarre that she would want to have DD anywhere near her paedophile of a father).
Legally,I can't stop her seeing DD-sven though she is paying no maintenance (a whole new subject)

OP posts:
msled · 09/08/2009 22:18

Yes you can stop her, right up until the time she takes you to court, when you get the email out, which should ensure sanity prevails. I assume you are the bio mother?

msled · 09/08/2009 22:19

Actually, I'd send her an email saying 'why do you want to take dd to your dad's when you know he is an abuser?' and then keep her email on file. It will be useful. Your child comes first.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 09/08/2009 22:28

Why would your EX want to go near a man who abused her for years? I will never understand that as long as I live.

I think you need to speak to the CAB.

You are not the one being unreasonable here your Ex is.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 22:32

I don't understand it tbh but I think she has "parked" what happened (although it still affects her deeply-if that makes sense).She has an immense sense of duty which is why she still sees both of her parents-less frequently since she moved in with her new partner.
She still cringes shen he hugs her and I used to feel physically sich when he hugged DD when I was ther.

I just want a bit of a sense check before I resort to court action and wanted to know WWYD?

OP posts:
KIMItheThreadSlayer · 09/08/2009 22:36

What would I do.... you really don't want to know.

I think some legal help is needed here, you must protect your DD no matter who gets hurt in the fall out,
If your Ex is willing to take a child to visit an abuser then I am sorry but IMO she is not fit to be allowed to have time with that child.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 09/08/2009 22:54

KIMI- it's exactly what I want to know....

So far,she has agreed to my conditions but I fear that is changing and that is when the lioness will come out in me> I guess I just want reassurance that I amNBU and if I go to a solicitor it will be money (which I can't afford) will be well spent.

OP posts:
katiestar · 10/08/2009 00:00

Won't your XP be very aware of this risk and look after your DD as well as youi did when you visited him ?

stenchtrench · 10/08/2009 00:11

Are you dd's bio mum?

If you are then surley you can stop her ever seeing you xp's dirty perv of father.

Im sorry but i dont understand how you could watch this disgusting man cuddle your child knowing your xp was the same age when he abused her.

Once again sorry if i have caused offence but i really dont understand.

I really hope you find a way to sort this out.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/08/2009 00:40

I can appreciate that you don't want to hurt your XP or spoil her relationship with DD but you are NBU at all to be wanting to put enforcement measures in place that mean your DD does not have to spend any time at all with a person who is a potential danger to her (the grandfather). Even if he was never charged with anything, the fact that you do not want your DD near her grandfather but are not stopping her other parent from seeing her should not lead to much in the way of legal trouble (grandparents do not have many legal rights WRT access to grandchildren).

Silver1 · 10/08/2009 01:50

Needopinions-not sure how PR was obtained but it isn't always forever. You could look at revoking PR but still allowing contact. This gives you more control about what X does with DD.
Also if you and X cannot agree even if she keeps PR you can ask the court to decide for you, or enter mediation.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 10/08/2009 09:29

Katiestar-yes I am sure she would but suppose xp needed to go to the toilet,it would not really be feasible to take DD with her without making it obvious ie DD asking why she had to go with her.

Stench-I agree wholeheartedly.

Silver-thank you for such sound advice.PR was granted by way of a residence order.
In theory (well it's another grey area) xp should be paying maintenance.If I revoke the PR there will never be any maintenance but I guess I would have more say over what she could/couldn't do with DD.

The sad thing is,XP really was a fantastic parent when we were together,she really was.Things have changed since she left to be with her new partner.Silly things like giving her too many sweets,late bedtimes etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedOpinions · 10/08/2009 21:33

DD is away with Xp all week and am missing her dreadfully-have had a phonecall saying "I want to come home Mummy" which is heartbreaking but not becasue of anything xp is doing-she misses her dog!

OP posts:
monkeypinkmonkey · 10/08/2009 22:05

NeedOpinions try the childrens legal centre here you get 30 mins free legal advice they maybe a good starting point. I understand why you have worries.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 10/08/2009 22:22

Thanks for that Monkey- Will do!

OP posts:
KIMItheThreadSlayer · 11/08/2009 10:03

Was talking this over with a friend who is in a same sex relationship (hope you don't mind) her take on it was thus...

If you are the child's biological parent then you call the shots, your XP should have no more rights then a step parent and you can stop her seeing your DD if you think your DD may be harmed.

I am not sure how it all works out with parents rights in a same sex partnership, however I can say that my first husband would not be allowed to have any contact with our children if there was a pedophile in his family that he was hell bent on taking the children to visit, as a mother the first and most important thing every time is to protect your children.

I hope you find the legal advice you need and your daughter is safe and happy, also hope at some point your XP gets the help she needs.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 11/08/2009 11:11

Thanks Kimi-and no I don't mind-all opinions are valid and helpful.

OP posts:
Morloth · 11/08/2009 11:34

Honestly, in this situation I would go to court and ask for supervised contact with your XP only. Clearly she cannot be trusted to keep her father away from your DD.

You need a lawyer and you need to stay calm and detail the problem to the lawyer and arrange for an official custody arrangement.

It is just so sickening isn't it? Such a betrayal of what a Dad/Grandpa is supposed to be.

Original poster
NeedOpinions · 11/08/2009 12:09

It is a betrayal,especially as xp was adopted......

OP posts:
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