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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to shout "NO!" to my 13 mo old DS?

52 replies

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:13

Basically DS has started screaming all the time. He screams so loud if he doesnt get what he wants. His scream is so ear piercing and loud it has got to the point where we avoid going out to dinner etc because he seems to be screaming all the time e.g. every 5 minutes.

I know it is due to frustration, he is a very clever little boy but try as he might he cannot tell us what he wants yet and so has resorted to screaming. Also he is not as mobile as he wants to be - can only walk a few steps unaided and has to rely on holding our finger to get around anywhere quick, so I think this is also frustrating him.

But we are at out wits end with him. The looks and comments that we get from others is just dreadful.

I have already tried the distracting/ ignoring apprach to no avail. This has been going on for weeks now (although it feels like months)

So, I have started shouting NO whenever he does it. Loud enough to startle him and he does stop.

Well today, my Dsis, who incidently is also a HV told me I was out of order to shout no at him. He is still a baby and I should never shout at a baby, he is frustrated and I will only make him worse by shouting NO at him. So now I feel such an awful mum for doing so

But Im at my wits end, how do I put a stop to this?

AIBU?

OP posts:

MamaG · 05/08/2009 23:15

I say a firm "NO" to BabyG and he's 9 months

I don't shout, but I do say it in a firm voice!

Is it the "no" or the shouting that your sis objects to? Would "hard mummy voice" be better?

Original poster

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:18

Im afraid a hard mummy voice wouldnt be heard whist he is screaming - honest, it is that loud!

I obviously dont scream the house down but yes I have to shout so that I can be heard above him.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 05/08/2009 23:20

Shout all you like, but I don't think it'll make any difference...I thinnk you just have to wait untill he out grows this phase.

Colonelcupcake · 05/08/2009 23:21

Don't you dare let your 'd'sis put you down like that. Your little man is being a typical monkey (I have 2 of them) and may need to start discipline as you have been already.

You have tried hard to deal with it using techniques that work on some children with my two number 1 I can ignore and it worked at that age, number 2 he carries on and on getting louder until frustration turns into genuine upset.

You are not doing anything awful, you are telling him off not beating him etc.

You are probably a brilliant mum (I don't know you so can not properly comment) you are discipling your child instead of letting him get away with it you want to raise a decent individual instead of letting him get away with everything and we need more people like youraising children

motherbeyond · 05/08/2009 23:23

depends,sometimes a firm no is enough.it was with my dd,but my 17 month ds is a different kettle of fish altogether..!

i find that unless i shout no at him,he just laughs and carries on..little monkey

after a few times of shouting no,and him crying,he now takes me seriously and i dont have to do it as much.they are just babies, but they still know what's what from a very young age!

Spidermama · 05/08/2009 23:26

I think it's fine. You are allowed some expression of yourself and your limits after all. He needs to learn you're not going to put up with that.

Maybe you could get your sis to babysit now and again to see how she deals with it.

Original poster

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:26

Thank you colonelcupcake - you have made me feel so much better

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 05/08/2009 23:28

I have 2 dc. Ds(9 years) and ds2 (19 months). I feel crappy if i shout at ds1 who is 9 and would only shout at ds2 if there was an immenent danger.

Regarding someone suggesting discipline, they are not able to retain the memory or even comprehend why mumy is shouting. It will frighten him and he wont be able to understand why you have scared him. I actually think your sister is right. Sod what looks people give you when he is screaming, it is a phase which he will grow out of. Also what benegift are you getting from shouting at him? You prob feel crappy and so does he. He is expressing frustration, but you are the adult. What are you goingt o do when he is a toddler and screaming because a banana broke (see different, very funny thread). Could post lots more but very tired and need sleep soon.

But please, listen to your sister and stop shouting at him.

MamaMaiasaura · 05/08/2009 23:29

and not trying to make you feel awful, but really who is is this shouting helping?

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 05/08/2009 23:30

My ds went through this stage too, and my friend's dd is also going through it. It's horrendous - I used to say that if ds had got any more piercing he would be communicating with bats and dogs only.

He will grow out of it, but I don't think you're doing any harm by telling him, "NO!" - I used to scream back at ds when he would scream at me!

Just keep repeating to yourself, "This too shall pass..."

Spidermama · 05/08/2009 23:36

I disagree Awen.
Shouting a short sharp 'No' isn;t going to do lasting harm. Anyway even babies have to learn there are limits to mums levels of tolerance. She's only human.

Original poster

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:36

now I feel like this again Awen.

OP posts:

Original poster

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:37

At least I know Im not the only mum who would and has resorted to this.

Thanks spider

OP posts:

chickchickchickee · 05/08/2009 23:48

without sounding like a crazy hippy, would baby signing help him? If he's getting frustrated maybe it'll give him an outlet?

kitkatqueen · 06/08/2009 00:03

Ahhh and what would your darling sister say to me then who has put all of her children on the naughty step before their 1st birthdays???

Depends on the intelligence level of the child as to whether they understand the cause and effect of what they did that was not ok and the result of being on the naughty step. Or being told no in a hard mummy voice. I also use the hard mummy voice that someone else mentioned. I have quite a high voice and so I have to very consiously drop my tone and I always get down to their level.

NotanOtter · 06/08/2009 00:07

i think it is fine too

ds5 who is 12 months (13?) is also waaaay to prone to a shrill piercing shriek

we have started a firm loud NO when it starts...almost before it starts (!) as he has got into a habit that needs to be broken

yes he is a baby but he has learned something ehich needs unlearning

as long as he is happy - and good behaviour is affirmed then i see nothing wrong with the odd shout

needs must!

I think your dsis a bit harsh

your baby and all that !

prettyfly1 · 06/08/2009 00:18

when ds1 was that age I too found that the only way to stop him was to very firmly and loudly say "no" to him. It broke his stream and he understood that I was displeased with the shrieking. I think your sis was wrong and if this is working for you then do it - there is only so long any of us could cope with screaming every five minutes before we just wanted it stop so better this then months more of it driving you to insanity. Does your dsis have kids btw.

kitkatqueen · 06/08/2009 00:20

does your dsis actually have children of her own? because I have never had a lot of "real" advice that I was willing to take from my childless hv. The hv I had who b/fed both her boys gave me lots of practical advice that I still u
se today

spottyblueberries · 06/08/2009 00:27

Please dont feel and dont be made to feel like a bad mum for shouting! I was the model of patience with DS1 until DS2 came along and things got....erm....'fractious' I defy anyone other than a bloody saint not to shout a little when they have screaching/screaming/whining/whinging what feels like ALL the time.

No disrespect to you Dsis but I have a tendancy to disagree with HV's - Does she have her own kids?

spottyblueberries · 06/08/2009 00:28

Yeah - Ditto KKQ!

MrsMerryHenry · 06/08/2009 00:29

Poor you, sounds awful!

Firstly, shouting will get you nowhere. With adults it doesn't really achieve anything worthwhile and the same goes for kids. In the end you'll sound out of control and they'll know it.

Secondly, I've always found it useful to backtrack and try to work out what led to whatever 'naughty' behaviour is challenging me at any given mo. That way you should be able to work out an effective action plan to tackle it.

Thirdly, as someone said, he will grow out of this phase, as with many other phases.

Finally, I highly recommend 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen' as an essential manual to communicating effectively with your kids (perhaps more suitable when your DS is a little bit older).

Good luck!

nappyaddict · 06/08/2009 01:41

I would say maybe he has noticed it gets a reaction and is doing it for the attention. It is like a game to him.

Have you tried ignoring him? My DS used to do this and once he did it for a whole 20 minutes bus journey It was hard ignoring him with all the looks but he stopped in the end. I also found playing with a favourite toy with him, reading him a favourite story, or singing him a favourite song or nursery rhyme stopped him from doing it as he had already got my attention so no longer needed to do the screaming. I always tried that first and if that didn't work then I ignored him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/08/2009 07:49

Nothing wrong with teaching 'no' when they are old enough to understand it. DS is 11mo and we use 'no' in a very firm voice when he's doing something dangerous, and 'no' in a gentler voice if he's being 'naughty'. (I know 11mos can't really be naughty, YKWIM) Don't worry at all. He needs to stop doing it, no works, so feel happy that you are lovingly teaching your son boundaries and discipline

purepurple · 06/08/2009 08:01

It's a game.
he has ( very cleverly) worked out a way of making mummy go all red-faced and bug-eyed and give him loads of attention.
All it takes is a little screamimg.
Ignore him, he will stop doing it (eventually).
Shouting at him obviously works as you will be scaring the bejesus out of him. And teaching him that they way to get what you want is to be the loudest, scariest, etc.

mumblechum · 06/08/2009 08:06

I think it's fine if it's working. Disagree that they can't work out cause and effect by 13 months.

Apart from anything else, getting to the point that you can't go out socially with him because of his screaming isn't good.

carry on the good work.

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