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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to shout "NO!" to my 13 mo old DS?

52 replies

cheekster · 05/08/2009 23:13

Basically DS has started screaming all the time. He screams so loud if he doesnt get what he wants. His scream is so ear piercing and loud it has got to the point where we avoid going out to dinner etc because he seems to be screaming all the time e.g. every 5 minutes.

I know it is due to frustration, he is a very clever little boy but try as he might he cannot tell us what he wants yet and so has resorted to screaming. Also he is not as mobile as he wants to be - can only walk a few steps unaided and has to rely on holding our finger to get around anywhere quick, so I think this is also frustrating him.

But we are at out wits end with him. The looks and comments that we get from others is just dreadful.

I have already tried the distracting/ ignoring apprach to no avail. This has been going on for weeks now (although it feels like months)

So, I have started shouting NO whenever he does it. Loud enough to startle him and he does stop.

Well today, my Dsis, who incidently is also a HV told me I was out of order to shout no at him. He is still a baby and I should never shout at a baby, he is frustrated and I will only make him worse by shouting NO at him. So now I feel such an awful mum for doing so

But Im at my wits end, how do I put a stop to this?

AIBU?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 06/08/2009 08:08

I personally don't agree with this current fashion of ignoring bad behaviour, having witnessed lots of littlies screaming their heads off in queues with the mum studiously ignoring them and everyone else silently seething at the lack of discipline.

But I am a dinosaur.

ben5 · 06/08/2009 08:10

shouting isn't a bad thing sometimes. if your sis doesn't like it , tell her to take him out for the afternoon without shouting at him!!!!! also have you taken him to baby sign classes? this way he will be able to start to talk to you and other people.

LoveBeingAMummy · 06/08/2009 08:15

Agree you need to look at what was happening to cause the noise. Was he trying to get your attention for example?

I ahve found that saying to my DD what I think she is trying to say to me helps a bit as she can nod. ie are you trying to get that book? Shall mummy help you?

They can understand so much more than we realise, so theres nothing wrong with saying to him no we don't shout in the supermarket, ask nicely if you want a drink.

PS did your sis give any advice on what you should do?

PPS don't let her make you feel bad

SoupDragon · 06/08/2009 08:46

Shouting NO isn't going to harm him. Perhaps shouting "STOP" may be better as then you can claim you are giving him a command and it may make more sense to him than "no"

If you think it is frustration at being unable to Have you tried teaching him some basic sign language?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 06/08/2009 08:49

Personally i don't think there is any point in shouting at them, when 12month old DS gets like this I just pick him, look at him and tell him no firmly. If that doesn't work I just ignore him until it stops.

Mumblechum - what sort of discipline would stop a screaming fit?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 06/08/2009 08:50

Oh stop is a good idea SoupDragon, think I will try that in future.

StealthPolarBear · 06/08/2009 08:56

I would agree with shouting stop rather than no - at that age I tried to keep "NO" for emergencies - about to touch the cooker or crawl down the stairs etc. Think using it for non-emergencies might have wrecked the effect iysim?

LeonieSoSleepy · 06/08/2009 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notsoteenagemum · 06/08/2009 09:08

I don't think you shout feel bad for shouting, but I do think you should maybe find another way to stop him or you may find yourself being a shouty mum (been there and it's not nice all round).
I also think your sister should have offered advice rather than criticism.
If you can't work out what he wants distraction is the best thing, speaking about something really enthusiastically or whisking him off to look at something interesting. If that fails ignoring does work in the end although it may seem like it never will. If my ds was in the pram I would firmly say stop, put the hood up, lie him back and walk really fast
As well as the screaming you should ignore the looks and comments it is hard to but those people don't know you or your ds, so who are they to judge.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 06/08/2009 09:20

You know, they have to learn sometime and if you shouting NO at him works, then do it. Your not screaming at him, your not hitting him, your not phsycologicaly (sp?) damaging him. If it stops him then do it - you need your sanity.

My DD didn't go through this stage, but sometimes the only thing that would stop her was me shouting NO or STOP loudly enough to startle her (and I still need to sometimes and she is coming up to 4). Sometimes ignoring worked (v rarely though), other times distraction, other times putting her in her room/naughty step BUT when you are in the middle of a situation and it needs to be stopped then you don't always have time to do this.

I personally think your DSis is wrong (does she have children)? Maybe just not do it around her - then she'll be none the wiser and you can get on with bringing up your child.

It is hard, but do try and ignore the looks of others, just think to yourself that they will enjoy muttering about you and you are doing them a favour by lightening up their otherwise dull day .

MamaMaiasaura · 06/08/2009 09:35

Just popped back, didnt want to make you feel but i think there are some good suggestions on here, baby signing, distraction. And the book how to talk so kids will listen is fab.

Also saying a firm no is different from shouting it. Are you shouting or saying it? Someone said about risk of being a shouty mum, can see her point. If you resort to 'who can shout the loudest' now when you need to make yourself heard will he know to listen iyswim?

I dont think you have damaged him for life by shouting at him, but is it really how you want to do it? Did your dsis comments upset you more as you are questioning wether you are doing it right?

MrsBadger · 06/08/2009 09:37

Soupys advice is good - or would a short sharp 'SHUSH!' work?

I found that 'NO' lost its effect very quickly with dd at this age so I started looking for alternatives and saved NO for emergencies or actual danger
'closed please!' when she goes to open a forbidden cupboard
'bottom down' when trying to stand up in higchhair / pushchair
'not now' for 'wanna biscuit' type whining.

I too do the Hard Mummy voice rather than shout, but tbh many of the above work in a normal tone of voice.

MrsBadger · 06/08/2009 09:38

oh and has he a pushalong truck or similar he can use to help him get abotu more easily?

MamaMaiasaura · 06/08/2009 09:39

Oh and i have shouted at my dc and felt crappy afterwards, so i am not looking at this from a 'holier than tho' perspective.

Fairynufff · 06/08/2009 10:48

All the nicest, most well behaved children I know learned the word 'no' from a very early age. YANBU

SoupDragon · 06/08/2009 11:21

I would follow up the loud "Stop!" with a quiet "Ssssh" and a quietly spoken simple explanation of why he needs to be quiet - they understand things long before they can speak. Then you're not rewarding the loud noise with more loud noise, you're demonstrating the required behaviour.

JoandMax · 06/08/2009 11:25

My 13 month old has just had a week of the high pitched screaming, it's awful!! We decided to just completely ignore it, not even look at him, not speak etc and I have to say although it's been so so hard he's started to stop.

But there is nothing wrong with saying no at all - I've been doing it since he was mobile at 6 months for things like the fire, cooker, rubbish bin. Some of my friends don't agree with it but he's a happy, confident little boy so it's done no harm at all and generally he avoids the things I have consistently said no to so he has learned. Also, if he gets over excited and goes to grab another baby's face then a loud, firm no stops him.

nappyaddict · 06/08/2009 13:14

I found telling DS what I wanted him to do worked much better than telling him what I didn't want to do. So rather than No, Don't scream or Stop screaming something like Be quiet, Quiet voice, Gentle voice, Shush etc

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/08/2009 15:25

nothing wrong with being firm and saying (even if loudly ) no, stop etc

i yell say loudly to my dc13mths when she is going for the tv speakers etc - she knows perefctly well she isnt allowed to pull them to the floor and will stop

you could walk into another room,place child in another room (safe one obv) or ignore till noise stops or try bribing distracting

Satsuma1 · 06/08/2009 15:48

I don't think there's a parent out there who hasn't shouted "no" at some point!

If DS is doing something I want to stop very quickly, I've started using a sharpish "ah" sound (quite similar to the Dog Whisperer if you've ever seen it!). I imagine it has the same effect as a loud "no", as in it catches their attention and diverts them away from the dangerous activity. I've found using this draws less judgemental stares when I use it in public.

The sign for "no" has been useful too. Don't know if it's different from class to class, but the one we use is a sweep of the hand across your chest, made in a very deliberate and assertive way. This, accompanied by a firm (but not necessarily loud) "no" seems to work quite well.

I don't think you're a bad Mum by the way and have every sympathy with the screaming thing. I'm sure it will pass in time though.

MummyDragon · 06/08/2009 16:02

cheekster - I haven't read all the replies yet so sorry if I'm repeating what someone else has already said, but have your had your DS' hearing checked?

If his screaming really is that loud, and he can't hear you unless you shout, I'd get it looked at.

YANBU for shouting No at him, but if you can bear to, ignoring him might work better - try it when you're at home and not in a rush to get anywhere. Just keep turning your back on him and calmly walking into another room until he stops. This might take hours(!) but give it a go and let us know how you get on, for the sake of your vocal chords if nothing else

Thingiebob · 06/08/2009 22:14

YANBU

He is screaming loudly as it gets him immediate attention.

Either ignore him or a loud firm 'NO' is perfectly reasonable. You're not hitting him or abusing him. I can't stand these soft parenting ideas nowadays where you can't even shout 'NO' at a child without someone claiming you are damaging your child! It's not fair to make you feel guilty in this way.

You are doing the right thing and you know your child best.

NotanOtter · 06/08/2009 22:29

lots of us with 12 /13 month olds on here

lets pray beg hope its a phase!!

Alambil · 06/08/2009 22:35

Well I'm the worst mother then.... Ds bit me, so I bit back - he never did it again, same for pinching ....

I shouted No at him from oooo since he was in that touching everything stage and clapped to make him jump so he'd stop whatever it was - I also tapped his hand... some call it smacking, I never left a mark

Even now, at 6yo he gets the 123 treatment and knows to stop at 3 or else!

he's a perfectly adapted, lovely boy not damaged in any way so take heart - telling a child something is unacceptable IS ALRIGHT and doing it by starteling them IS ALRIGHT.

It ain't abuse to stop horrific noise like that (it actually causes physical pain in my ears so is horrific to me) IMHO

Aspire2Iron · 06/08/2009 22:45

Echo the baby sign recommendation... just to get some of his frustration out. Not a big deal to give it a try. Try just a handful (say 5) to start. Eat, Milk, Nappy Change, Home, Sleep, for example.

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