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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL calling my DS by his fathers name.

41 replies

cancantcan · 03/08/2009 09:00

DS is 4.5 years, when I was PG with him we were going to call him same as his dad, but then I changed my mind because I dont really like my husbands first name (love the man, hate the name kwim) but also because I thought it would be confusing having two with the same name in the house. As a compromise DS has his fathers name as his middle name.
PIL now call my DS by his fathers name in front of me, and its really starting to get my goat. I feel like screaming "HIS NAME IS YYY NOT BLOODY XXX, he is NOT his father, or his fathers clone, he is himself, with his own name and PLEASE stop calling him XXX!!!"

DH doesnt think its a problem but I confess I start to steam at the ears every time I hear it.....

AIBU?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 03/08/2009 09:09

That depends on whether it's them being wilful - or is it just absentmindedness? Are you sure they're not just having what my dad likes to call a senior moment?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 09:11

Why don't you tell them how you feel? Or ask your husband to? If you haven't said anything, perhaps they don't realise it's a problem to you?

SJisontheway · 03/08/2009 09:15

I'd give them a break. I make this mistake occasionally with SIL's DS. I don't mean anything by it - just a slip of the tongue. And I don't have the age excuse.

weegiemum · 03/08/2009 09:15

Tell them.

My FIL used to call dd1 by her middle name - I think partly as both he and my dh are called by their middle name.

DH sat down adn just explained to him that it wasn't her name and that she didn't understand him when he called her that.

You just need to be upfront about things like this, I think!

allaboutme · 03/08/2009 09:15

What does your DS think about it? At 4.5 years he must have noticed his Grandad calling him Daddy's name..
Ask DS if he likes it or if he would rather Grandad called him his first name. If he says he likes it then you will just have to see it as some sort of 'pet' name your FIL has for him.
If DS doesnt like it then you can practise with him saying 'Grandad I like my name best' or something like that so he can say it to FIL himself. Might have more impact that way

posieparkerinChina · 03/08/2009 09:20

Just say that your DS will get confused and just say his name is xxx, do it soon because the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

Katisha · 03/08/2009 09:23

If there are doing it on purpose and consistently then can you just say, in as conversational tone as you can manage, "out of interest why do you call him XX? Nobody else does and it confuses him now that he's 4."
Get them to explain themselves. And then you can point out that he is not his father but an individual in his own right.
Presumably when you are round there he is getting called two different names at teh same time which is just ridiculous!

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 03/08/2009 09:24

Teach your DS to answer them with a loud my name is XXXX

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/08/2009 09:29

if ds is 4.5, surely it's up to him? If he doesn't like it, he can say, if he doesn't mind it, then so be it. It'd be different if he were 4 months, but at 4.5, it's up to the person himself, surely? He's gonna get called allsorts over the years. you chose to call him YYY, but plenty of people, relatives, mates are going to call him other stuff, you can't really police his name now, he's old enough to do that for himself.

MamaLazarou · 03/08/2009 10:26

In this situation, I would just repeat the child's real name every time they use the wrong one.

eg:

PIL: Hello, George!
ME: His name is not George. It's Luke.
PIL: How is George?
ME: Do you mean Luke? Because that's his name.
PIL: George, would you like a drink?
ME: His name is Luke. Luke, Granny wants to know if you'd like a drink.

YANBU, by the way. This would irritate the shit out of me.

Stigaloid · 03/08/2009 10:28

YANBU - they are being extremely rude. I would repeat his real name everytime they say his wrong name.

maggievirgo · 03/08/2009 10:37

I'd just quietly correct them every single time.

My parents call my son by my brother's name though. My dad calls me HIS sister's name and she's been dead for ten years. Sometimes my dad also calls me Polly which was the dog's name. He says Ellen, Polly, Maggie...... and he chose my name apparently.

Original poster
cancantcan · 03/08/2009 10:40

To be honest, it has been a big bone of contention since before he was born. DH's grandfather also has the same name, and when MIL found out that we were planning to call DS YYY XXX rather than XXX YYY she refused to allow us to tell DH's grandfather as she thought he would be gutted about it. 4 years on, DH's grandparents very happily call DS by his own name, and very occasionally, they call him "little XXX" which I actually dont mind as its a term of endearment rather than his name.
Its PIL, particularly MIL who consistently calls him XXX and which winds me up because she has been an *rse about it from the minute we told her what his name would be, and now its like she has decided that she is calling him XXX regardless of what his actual name is.
I know I am being a tad hysterical about this, but I sometimes just want to grab her and hit her around the head with a big stick while screaming "HIS NAME IS YYYY YOU STUBBORN OLD GOAT!"

Sorry about the XX and YY thing btw, I'm a bit paranoid about kids names on internet!

OP posts:
maggievirgo · 03/08/2009 10:46

i can't believe the sense of entitlement some people have! you still put the name in there, as a middle name, but that wasn't good enough!!! your PIL wanted you to pick their prefered name for your child, and have no idea that that is unreasonable in anyway!

My xh was the 3rd xxxxx as you'd say! I refused to even have it as a middle name.! digs were made by PIL at the time, but I said to his father, well, as we're not married (not my choice at the time) don't talk to me about etiquette buddy!!! well, more politely but he backed right down sharpish.

Katisha · 03/08/2009 10:46

You are right. She is wrong. This sort of thing really pisses me off.
YOu need to say something I think. She will be huffy but it's outrageous.

Tortington · 03/08/2009 10:48

why is she wrong - what is she - psychic.

tell her fgs'

Katisha · 03/08/2009 10:51

She is wrong because she knows what his name is and what his parents call him.
But still tell her.

HerBeatitude · 03/08/2009 10:53

I'm with whoever said teach DS to say "my name is xxxx"

Your DS will be the one who brings them into line.

Tortington · 03/08/2009 10:55

if she is being deliberatley obtuse - then there is a diferent layer

if she is doing it - but thinking its ok - as you were going to - and she has done it for nearly 5 years withour anyone saying anything to her - then i dont think its her fault - i think its the ops

Deeeja · 03/08/2009 11:00

Tell her, repeatedly.
My MIL picked out names for each of my children and attempted to call all of them by her chosen names. It didn't last long, me and dh had a united front. I am expecting another in 8 weeksish, and dreading the name she is going to try to force on this one. She even thinks sil should choose the name. The woman is off her trolley.
Deal with it sharpish.

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/08/2009 11:05

but if he's 4.5, has he not said anything? Maybe he likes it? If he doesn't would he not have said anything or challenged it already himself? If he tells you he doesn't like it, then by all means, teach him it's ok to say may names is Y not X, but if he likes it, then you'll just have to put up with it no mattr hom much it grates imo. It's about him now I think, not you. What does your dh say about it? Is he bothered?

Original poster
cancantcan · 03/08/2009 11:09

Actually, I have said to her a couple of times and so has DH, but she just made some excuse and carried on doing it.
DS doesnt really bother as she has always called him that so its not like its something new for him.
Anyhow, I'm glad you all dont think I'm nuts for the fact that this is annoying me, its just how I deal with it now without upsetting anyone or making a scene

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 11:10

I don't think it is entirely about teh child and his preferences at 4.5.
I think there are deeper issues of the MIL making her own decisions about something that isn't hers to decide on.

cocobongo · 03/08/2009 11:13

You need to deal with is ASAP. Otherwise you could end up having your DS being called by the other name. A similar thing happened to someone I know- his name is David Michael, known as David. When he went to school, there were 2 Davids, so his teacher decided to call him Michael. He is now known as Michael. Crazy!

ErnestTheBavarian · 03/08/2009 11:14

but if she's done it for 4.5 years and ds doesn't mind and is used to it, is it really worth the hassle? I dounderstand why it's annoying for you, but if it's gone on for so many years, and the person involved doesn't mind, I think it's something you're just going to have to accept. Annoying, but if, after putting up with it for years you now put your foot down, I can see it having a nasty outcome

tbh sounds like a power struggle bwn mil & dil (one which she started) but sounds like it's gone on too long to suddenly get out the artillery and fight your corner. One to let go imo

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