MIL is driving me crazy and I want her OUT

[applesaretheonlyfruit]

Hi, I seem to be the only person my age with this problem. I am 40, ds8 and dd21months. MIL, 86, has lived with us for EIGHT years, since her husband died. She has always hated me, and I don't say that in a "poor me" way. Dh confirms this; there is a lot of talking behind my back, everything I do is wrong (to her). Constant small things; for example, at the end of every day I put the tea towels in the kitchen in the washing machine. I hate damp, dirty tea towels - bacteria fest. She constantly complains to DH about my "wasteful" ways. She would use a dirty tea towel for six months without thinking of washing it. It makes me feel sick just thinking about MY children wiping their hands or whatever on something like that.

Lets remember this is MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY and I don't give a toss what she thinks.

Anyway, now she has been diagnosed with alzheimers/vascular dementia. Had an MRI, substantial damage. All downhill from here..

We went away for a few days last week, but because of her condition my husband insisted on taking her with us. Imagine Dame Edna Everage, and her old assistant "Madge". Well, Madge is MIL. Sitting outside at a county house, and there is MIL, miserable as sin, ruining the few days I have on holiday with my family.

I don't know if anyone can understand this unless you have been forced to live with someone who hates you for eight years.

For my own sanity/happiness I want her gone from my life. My husband refuses on the basis that he is the only child. There are no other relatives on his side.

It will get worse I know. She doesn't have a bath for weeks, I think at the moment it is a month.. I feel like I live in a pensioners home but this is MY HOUSE.

Currently, and conveniently, she has forgotten we are married (only 15 YEARS). She keeps asking him "what are her plans" because she thinks dh is 20 not 53 and I am some sort of girlfriend.. passing through.

I am also worried about my dc's. And how her deterioration will affect them. Not to mention their safety.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is 86.. not just leaving my 30's..

Am I unreasonable to want MIL out?

Apples, firstly YANBU; secondly can you take advantage of school hols and/or weekends to take the kids out and leave DH in sole charge of his mum for a day or two e.g. could you take the kids to visit your family for a couple of days leaving DH looking after his mum.
Additionally, could you make some things his area of responsibility e.g.making sure she washes and changes her clothes.
I have no direct experience of Alzheimers but I saw how difficult it was for neighbours who looked after elderly parents where people were being accused of stealing because the parent had forgotten where things are.
However, on a more serious note at least one person I know had a house fire cause by an elderly parent trying to heat up food in the kettle (I was reminded of this by a similar story on TV last night). At some point it is going to be come unsafe for your MIL to be left without supervision and your DH has a duty to keep her and you as safe as possible. If he is not willing to provide that supervision he cannot expect you to do it. You already have a responsibility to your children, what happens in a couple of years if you can't leave MIL when you do the school run but you can't take her with you either? What is DH's solution to that?
My dad has always made it clear that he would not want to be a burden on his kids if he was incapacitated (he's a fit 79 yo) as he would feel guilty and embarrassed. BTW agree on the Power of Attorney point my dad has already done one with his will but get DH to broach the subject otherwise MIL will accuse you of trying to steal her money or the like. An enduring Power of Attorney will allow DH to manage his mum's affairs when she is no longer able e.g. collect her pension, pay bills etc if you don't have one you have to go to the Court of Protection to get an order to allow you to do this.

I think whether you dh is in denial or not you need to start the wheels in motion in terms of assessments and getting help, it all takes such a long time!

Perhaps you need to explain to your dh that unless you get the support & help you need that he may end up an orphan & divorced. That is a huge pressure on your marriage, he's being very short sighted indeed.

Can you start keeping a diary of her behaviour as it will you notice what she does that is not normal and also when it starts to get worse

I am sorry this is happening to your family but I think you need to tell your husband to get off his guilt fest and do what is right for the family he CHOOSE to have.
Tell him you will no longer cook, clean or in any way take care of his mother, your children are your concern not an old lady who does not like you.

Tell him to look after her himself.

I beg you for your children's sake do not let this woman stay in your home, it will destroy them watching her get sicker and less of who she is

Apples, how can you think you're being unreasonable?

My father worked in geriatric nursing and also mental health for many years. I have personally known people and relatives with various forms of dementia and alzheimers. Based on what I know, it is much easier for trained professional staff to manage the care of such individuals, also because they are not emotionally involved. Would you be able to get MIL to take her medication reliably, if it was prescribed?

I suggest you get home carers as soon as possible. Try and find a day centre for the elderly, where your MIL could spend one day a week to give you a brief respite.
Some of these offer services such as hairdressing, chiropody/ podiatry, manicures, etc. as well as socialising. MIL might be more likely to wash and change clothes if she thinks she's going out.

Then you can investigate longer term respite so that you can go on holiday, and plan for residential care in the long term.

It is essential that DH speaks face to face with the consultant at each appointment, in fact at any of his mothers appointments relating to her condition, as he must be clear about how it is likely to progress and how it impacts on his family. How will he cope if one day MIL lashes out at one of the children, or exposes them to any other danger? Or you have a breakdown? His loyalty should lie with you and his children before his mother, I think that under the circumstances, no-one would think badly of him for breaking his promise. He probably made it well before she imagined she would have dementia, she probably thought she'd just be old and poorly physically, not able to look after herself. And it has to be said, some patients do very well in residential care. They are allowed out to visit family!

I would also suggest that DH has counselling to enable him to work through his shock, fear and guilt with someone impartial who will not judge him.

Good luck with your endeavours, there is some good advice from other posters. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to.

You poor thing. It sounds horrendous especially as you seem to be banging your head against a brick wall with regards your DH accepting reality.

My mother is mentally deteriorating too. She has had a stroke and although doesn't have alzheimers she does have issues with paranoia and not changing her clothes etc. I have just been home for a week and she wore the same PJs the whole time. She did shower a couple of times. She 'forgets' the words please and thank you when speaking to my Dad a lot of the time. Looks at me blankly when I say "That would be a 'yes please' would it?" She is convinced my dad is up to something with the man across the road. My Dad does everything - shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. I tried to catch up on the washing when i was there but only got about half way through because of the weather. I worry about the stress of all this on my Dad who has just been diagnosed with diabetes and heart problems.

Anyway - I would struggle to care for my mother and she is my mother and I love her. I could not physically take her to the toilet or clean up after her if she became incontinent. I just couldn't. I am feeling incredibly guilty at that realisation. But I just do not have it in me. I have 3 sisters but only one has any patience to deal with our mum and she has 3 DCs and is PG with twins. So we are having to start thinking about long term.

It is incredibly hard. And she is our mother and we love her. In your circumstances I think your DH needs to accept that you have been more than accommodating and understanding but that he needs to accept that this cannot go on. Maybe print out some stuff from the alzheimers society website for him to read?

Good luck.

You've worked hard for 8 yrs & now it soounds like she needs the help gained from being in a nursing home. Is this a possibility for her?

Firstly, YANBU.

On the other hand your DH is being incredibly unreasonable. If as you say he knows she hates you why would he have ever moved her in to YOUR home in the first place, and to expect you to look after her through a debilitating illness, well I'm speechless.

I cannot offer any practical advise, but there is plenty of that on here, take advantage of it all. If your dh is expecting you to be the primary carer then he can have no grounds for complaint if you take up all the support available to you through the system. Take all the care assessments you can get and don't put a brave face on it, voice all your concerns and get everything out in the open.

The idea to go away for a week with the kids and leave him to look after his mother is a brilliant one. Do you have any relatives you could visit a couple of hundred miles away, I'm sure they'd love to see your dc. Or if not relatives how about friends. If the worst comes to the worst you could probably make up a few! But all joking aside, if you can't get away for a few days even taking your dc out for the day at the weekend and leaving your dh to cope with his mother should give him a very brief taste of what you've been living through.

I'm hoping that the situation improves for you soon.

Agree with whoever said you're not only NBU, you're a saint! My mum has spent the past decade living next door to her MIL and that's been hard enough.

I appreciate your DH is in a difficult position but I think it's time for him to make a decision. Presumably she'd have to go into a home if you weren't around to provide free 24 hr care anyway?

Having seen various relatives suffering from dementia in their final years I can only admire you for what you've already done. I also want to congratulate you for having the courage to broach the subject of the future with your husband. It's not easy, especially when he is in denial about the reality of what faces you. There is only one solution to this - that your mother in law receives appropriate care & you are allowed to bring up your children in a stable environment - and I hope that your DH eventually realises this.

FWIW, in my experience people who were nasty when younger don't suddenly become paragons of virtue in their dotage. They stay nasty & get nastier, especially with the added complication of the personality changes brought on by dementia.

I wish you luck.

I just wanted to say I shared my bedroom with my nana for a while, she had alzhimers. It was a bit scary as she would get up in the night and wander around talking to herself. SHe wasn't unkind, though. It is a truly horrible illness.

My DH's gparents lived with them until they died, and he found his nana who had dementia very scary (he was only little). I do think it is a lot to take on. My MIL had a cleaner, an au pair and other help and it was still a struggle.

My FIL now hss lewy bodies dementia and my MIL is caring for him. SHe cannot leave him alone at all, but does have a help who comes in the morning.

I just wanted to share this to say I think you need a serious sit down chat with your DH about how you plan to manange her care, as it can be for a long time and 24/7. I cannot imagine how hard it will be with someone who you really do not get on with.

x

shes been diagnosed with dementia now so its entering a new chapter now and longoverdue to to draw a line underneath this situation

you have a right to a peaceful life free from abuse and to build and live in a home where you don't have your wings clipped. i feel sorry for your hubby he is in between a rock and a hard place and im afraid probably can't be relied on to change this situation and maybe shouldn't be resented for that

put your foot down with a firm hand and demand that the household budget now stretches to a professional carer/homehelp to come in for even just two hours a week for personal care duties this solves the hygiene issue she may not actually be being stubborn maybe she has no strength to wash herself properly and obviously would die before she let you do it and is too embarrassed to let her son take that duty on. if your husband is adamant its no carehome for his mother than a rota needs to be drawn up whereby he gets a hefty dose of care time with her and maybe take her out whilst you drape lovely clean tea towels all over the house :-) and generally be yourself, schedule in free time for yourself away from the house and free time for the family together without her.
good luckx

if you were interested i can sympathise as below is my experience!
i lived with my 'sane' mil for 4 years as she had a monetary share in my partners house my partner would never get involved and she would take every opportunity to poison people against me resultingly my partners sister was fed so much bullshit about me she 'hates' me and thats caused a rift in the family. my partner did stand beside me regarding that and doesn't speak to his sister now after she had a full on freakout at me one xmas. the sad knock on effect is that her kids and ours don't see each other in fact she has not even seen our second son who is one years old now.
the situation was only resolved when i decided to LEAVE my partner we broke up for 7 months in this time he sold the house and bought her out we then got back together minus one poisonous old bag and are very happy now, (this is no option for you i understand!) i still see her and we 'get on' but i can't forget what she put me through so yes i understand fully the damage and potential consequences of having a mil from hell.

I have a Dementor MIL. Amazing how one small woman can effortlessly suck all the happiness out of a room. She'd LOVE to move in with us and thankfully DH would rather Hell froze over first.

You sound like you are in a very difficult situation, YANBU at all.

Oh you poor woman. YANBU at all. I think, like others, that you are an absolute saint to have put up with this for eight years.

My grandma had vascular dementia and was cared for at home by two of my aunts in turn until she broke her hip and had to go into hospital where she later died. They were her daughters and loved her to bits and still found the whole thing immensely draining and hard and unpleasant and hated her at times. Doing this for someone who you never much liked in the first place must be enormously difficult and you have my total respect. I think after eight years, you have done your bit. You need to have a tough conversation with your DH as soon as possible and try to make him see how draining it is for you. Surely if he knows that she dislikes you he must see how hard it is for you to have to live with it?