MIL is driving me crazy and I want her OUT

[applesaretheonlyfruit]

Hi, I seem to be the only person my age with this problem. I am 40, ds8 and dd21months. MIL, 86, has lived with us for EIGHT years, since her husband died. She has always hated me, and I don't say that in a "poor me" way. Dh confirms this; there is a lot of talking behind my back, everything I do is wrong (to her). Constant small things; for example, at the end of every day I put the tea towels in the kitchen in the washing machine. I hate damp, dirty tea towels - bacteria fest. She constantly complains to DH about my "wasteful" ways. She would use a dirty tea towel for six months without thinking of washing it. It makes me feel sick just thinking about MY children wiping their hands or whatever on something like that.

Lets remember this is MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY and I don't give a toss what she thinks.

Anyway, now she has been diagnosed with alzheimers/vascular dementia. Had an MRI, substantial damage. All downhill from here..

We went away for a few days last week, but because of her condition my husband insisted on taking her with us. Imagine Dame Edna Everage, and her old assistant "Madge". Well, Madge is MIL. Sitting outside at a county house, and there is MIL, miserable as sin, ruining the few days I have on holiday with my family.

I don't know if anyone can understand this unless you have been forced to live with someone who hates you for eight years.

For my own sanity/happiness I want her gone from my life. My husband refuses on the basis that he is the only child. There are no other relatives on his side.

It will get worse I know. She doesn't have a bath for weeks, I think at the moment it is a month.. I feel like I live in a pensioners home but this is MY HOUSE.

Currently, and conveniently, she has forgotten we are married (only 15 YEARS). She keeps asking him "what are her plans" because she thinks dh is 20 not 53 and I am some sort of girlfriend.. passing through.

I am also worried about my dc's. And how her deterioration will affect them. Not to mention their safety.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is 86.. not just leaving my 30's..

Am I unreasonable to want MIL out?

CherylCole there is no need to be facetious, I was stating my opinion, it's just as valid as anyone elses. I wasn't rude at all so why respond in such a way?

Jodie I think you make some reasonable points but you do not know the OP's situation.

Its not just a case of MIL being ill and the OP wanting to chuck her out, MIL has always been obnoxious and is now becoming very ill.

Caring for someone you love is very hard, caring and giving up your life for someone you dislike and who dislikes you is unbearable.

OP is NOT bu at all.

Bring up what ifs and invoking guilt is not helpful.

I cared for my DD and felt not one ounce of resentment, if I had to care for my grandmother I would say NO and feel no guilt at all.

JodieO there is a world of difference between having your own mother live with you and your MIL who you didn't get on with to start with; and also between looking after somebody sane in a wheelchair and an elderly person with dementia.

My lovely grandad had dementia for the last few years of his life. My grandma almost ran herself into the ground trying to look after him. He was such a gentle man, who never raised his voice or had a bad word to say about anybody, yet he screamed at grandma, called her a horrible woman and accused her of keeping him away from his home and family (that he'd left more than 50 years before). He didn't recognise his children or grandchildren and cried for the mother who died 50 years before. Grandma left him outside a shop for literally 2 minutes and he wandered off and said he'd been waiting for hours.

Added to that was the sheer slog of dealing with double incontinence and trying to keep him and the house clean. And as others have said this was a man who was dearly loved by his carer. It is beyond the call of duty to have to live like this.

I think JodieO does have a point in one way though that your DH must never feel you forced him into it. There are a lot of powerful feelings to deal with when someone is newly diagnosed: grief, denial, anger, guilt and if you get in the way it might get directed at you. He needs to feel that its his decision too.

JodieO, from your post you sound like a really caring and thoughtful person, but I suspect you haven't experienced the reality of living with someone with Alzheimer's? Or somebody who can "suck the happy air out of a room"?

OP - YANBU. I hope you get the support you need and are able to come to an arrangement that works for all of your family.

Chegirl - thank you I did read the thread but obviously I don't live in that situation and everyone is entitled to their own views and has their own tolerances. I'm not judging in any way, just really trying to think of both sides.

Elvislives - But mil is the mother to op's dh so it's the same in that respect. To him it is his mother, as I said before, just trying to think of how he'd feel. I know very little of demtentia on a personally basis; the only similarites I can think of is my nan when she had cancer. Her lung cancer spread to her brain and she couldn't remember much and spoke "nonsense" a lot of the time. I remember Christmas day in hospital with her when I was 15 and about 10 mins after opening her presents she was asking where they were so that she could open then. I can only imagine how hard that must be on a daily basis.

I actually don't know why I feel so understanding of the devil's advocate side of things tonight, I'm usually very opinionated one way or the other. Rambling again now though, sorry

IsItMeOr - no I haven't lived with someone like that, just limited experience in my family. I'm just trying to help, sometimes it's good to look at both sides just to make sure there will no regret from either person in the long run. I do really hope that the op can find a way to be happy and work things out, however that it done.

I don't think 8 years is that long personally; how many years did she bring up your husband for? Imagine if it were your mum or even you and your son's wife was trying to get rid of you when he wanted you there still. Add to that you being ill and elderly and you can see how difficult it must be.

I know I'd want my mum living with me in the same situation. I also know how hard caring for someone is as my dad is a wheelchair user and my mum is his carer and has been for over 30 years.

I think that if you force him to put his mother into a care home and, god forbid, she dies soon he will always resent you and it may come between you. Even if she didn't die soo (and I'm sorry to bring that up) then he may still resent you for forcing him to do it. She's 86 and ill, please try and imagine yourself like that and quite possibly scared. If the bathing is an issue for you then could dh prompt her; ie has she just been forgetting? How awful for her that she would go a month between baths, I would think it's a memory issue and that she would feel terribly embarrassed if she realised.

Yes JodieO - I share your hope. I think you're right to flag that it's often helpful to try and see things from the other person's perspective, as you can sometimes see other options which work better for everyone. I've led a very sheltered life, but unfortunately DH's family have some experience with these issues (dementia/alzheimers and happy air sucking as well as physical impairments), so I can see what a difference they can make. TBH would likely have thought the same as you if not.

Why have you posted it all again Jodie?

FWIW I think you are being a bit patronising to the OP who has an awful lot to get to grips with, and no amount of telling her to imagine how she would feel if it was her mother is actually terrible helpful, well-meaning as you are. I don't think laying the guilt on is the way forward here - her family is likely to be very seriously affected by what happens in the next few years.

Op - you're a saint!

Why not take a few days away having a spa break visiting family by yourself so dh has to book some time off work.
Perhaps then he can open his eyes and see the reality of the situation.

Being legally minded, can I just ask a few questions about property. What happened to your MIL's marital home? Did your MIL not own her own home?

I ask this because it has a bearing on where your MIL is entitled to live, and it also has a bearing on what happens if she should move out (which seems like the only rational solution to me).

BTW to those posters who assume that the situation may not go on much longer - that is true but equally my MIL lived for 25 years after her diagnosis (in her sixties)

I think its fairly apparent that Jodie hasn't yet had the experience of a loved on with a dementing illness - watching the personality of the person you know and love disappear gradually, watching the clock spin backwards. Yes, when cancer gets to the brain it causes something similar, but usually by that stage the person has only weeks, even days to live - dementia is a downward spiral which goes on for years.

We first noticed it with my mum about 6 years ago, she is as yet still only in what is termed a 'mild' stage of the disease and is on Aricept. She could easily live for another 5-10 years with this illness as longevity is part of her family history.

Jodie, the bathing issue is so much more than needing a prompt. My mother doesn't wash or bath at all - if I 'reminded' her, I'm afraid she still wouldn't bath or wash and would remind me in indignant tones that she is MY mother and knows perfectly well how to wash and does so every day - she clearly doesn't. I have to run her a bath and instruct her to get in it, in the same way you would a reluctant 7 year old, she gets in moaning about me 'bullying' her, and how she doesn't need my help.

If I remind her to change her nightie, knickers etc, I get a similar indignant reaction, she KNOWS how to change her underwear thank you very much and doesn't need my instructions. Yeah right, and I wash the knickers that she has on for DAYS if I don't stand over her and MAKE HER change them. Her personal hygiene is non-existent without my 'bullying' but in her mind she's doing everything she used to to ten years ago, including shopping and going to the bank - which incidentally I have been doing for her for well over 18 months, she doesn't actually go out anywhere without me at all, but lives in a fantasy world where she does everything herself independently.

Imagine if you can living with a truculent toddler the size of a grown up, and this toddler NEVER learns and progresses, on the contrary they go backwards. No amount of teaching enables them to learn anything, they make the same error, ask the same questions, make the same accusations, every ten minutes - its dreadful - and when you have known what a wonderful, incredibly intelligent person they were, who campaigned for children's road safety in the 1970's after a child's death and got a crossing installed for school children (not us, we didn't need to cross, but some kids did), I still have the newpaper cuttings of her with a petition handing it in to the mayor at the town hall, who has been a determined women's lib-er, made sure her daughters did well and had ambition for their lives, is DREADFUK, DREADFUL to have to watch this horrible decline and know there is nothing at all I can do to stop it.

what mamadoc said (and many others) you sound like you have been extremely reasonable and patient.

I think help the aged might have some useful stuff on their website too

You need to have a serious discussion with you dh to work out where you are going as a family with this, if he is reluctant maybe draw up some limits now that he agrees to, do the fact finding etc so it's there when you need it.
I second the suggestion of going to visit family/going away so that he has to deal with the daily grind it might focus him a bit

good luck

I couldn't do eight days of this scenario. Ignore some of the cretins posting that you should suck it up. You need help. Demand it from every source.

As for your husband, you and his children are his priority (and I say that as a mother of an only son).

Hi,

We had this issue a few years ago - MIL lived with us and had the beginnings of alheimers. It was a little different as she was separated from her abusive husband although he came round everyday. Also DH family are very odd and thought we were using her money to supplement our income - in reality she sat on thousands in the bank and we paid all the bills.

Anyway we involved social services much to the disgust of SIL - I did it as I wanted her to have impartial advice. The upshot was that the doctors, SS and us suggested a home - it was at this point SIL decided to move MIL out to live with abusive FIL, mysteriously her bank account now stands at £1000.00 instead of £25000.00+ - enough said. Since then SIL has realised how bad MIL is and wants her to move back in with us.

This is impossible as we now have a 1 month old baby and have moved to a smaller house with only 2 bedrooms - SIL says this is not her problem. I have refused to have MIL and thankfully DH has agreed.

So Social services are back involved - it is so complicated. But to OP you must look at care for her tell husband if he wants to have her at home he must look after her himself 24 hours a day- it will soon change his mind.

I think that you need outside help. I am normally very much on the side of MIL, but it doesn't extend to having them to live with you. You have to excuse a lot when people have dementia but she was rude and unpleasant before the onset and yet expecting to share a house.
There is no way that I am going to live with my DCs when I get old and infirm-they don't 'owe me' anything. My mother is getting to the point where she is finding it difficult to manage and we are looking for solutions-coming to live with us isn't one of them, and she is the first to say so.
I would put it to your DH that you swap roles, and he stays at home and does the care and you go out to work, or he calls Age Concern and discusses options.

Hi, I thought I would just test the water, so to speak, with dh about MIL and what we can do in the future.

He does not want to talk about it. First, "I don't want to think about it" and then "this is inappropriate as we aren't there yet". HELLO, I think we are.

I have just realised he is still in slight denial about the diagnosis. Maybe he thinks she will stay the same as now for years and die quietly of old age. Never mind the thought of years with her around makes my head spin.

I have also realised that, without my knowledge or agreement, promises/commitments have been made between them with regard to her never going into a home. I've known my husband for 20 years, married for 15 and I know when I don't get the full story. She has extracted promises from him that he feels a duty to keep.

And the worse she gets, the stronger the sense of duty will be.

Thanks for the suggestion that he looks after her and I go back to work, but that would just not work for me. I didn't spend two decades working to then have children who I leave with someone else. What would be worse is that she would love that. Her, dh and my children all together, while I'm not there! Perfect.

Post diagnosis there are some issues to clear up first. Originally the consultant said she had alzheimers and her test score for level was 15/30. Between 10 -20 out of 30 the NHS guidelines will prescribe the drugs that can slow down the symptoms. But then he decided it could be 50/50 alzheimers and vascular dementia and therefore there are no drugs (prescribed by the NHS for vascular).. so conveniently the shift in diagnosis means that NHS avoids the cost of the drugs..obviously asked for clarification and the response was that "autopsy would provide this" - (not that I would object!)..

Drugs or not, I, for one, am not going to pretend that the elephant is not in the room. For example, today, she has come down for breakfast in the same clothes worn for 6 days now, and everyone is suppose to pretend this is normal.

Dh clearly has divided loyalty and I think he is operating a "points system". As MIL is losing her mind, she wins the most points.

It is too late for me, but the lesson here is don't marry an only son until you've been to his mother's memorial service.

oh just put her in a home - be done with it - then visit her one sunday a month - sever the old cow right for bleating behind your back!

But obviously the last comment doesn't apply to lovely mummies like georgimama

But surely dh will at least agree to paying someone to come in and do mil's personal care?

Can't you suggest it to him in a 'mil hates me and would prefer someone else, someone who's been trained to do it' kind of way?

Ok Mrswells, I'll just let dh know that you said I could. Sorted! I'll ship her out quietly while he's watching Newsnight and I'll ask the taxi not to bleep his horn..

Just occured to me that MIL diagnosis was my doing anyway. I had locked myself out of the house with ds (baby in cot upstairs). MIL in house but not responding. After half an hour called fire brigade who very kindly arrived in 3 minutes because baby inside. They managed to open front door and MIL comes down the stairs to see 4 v large firemen, me, ds, neighbour, neighbours ds. Said she didn't hear the door. Later she denied the whole event even happened and I had made it up. So I took her to GP, GP to Consultant and tests..

There would be no harm in your DP talking to someone at Age Concern-it doesn't commit him to anything.

Talk to Alzhemers Soc people and see what they say about her current state and the not washing etc and what they would suggest. Maybe you can get some help in the home at least? Might also wake up DH to see that actually this is a real issue.