MIL is driving me crazy and I want her OUT

[applesaretheonlyfruit]

Hi, I seem to be the only person my age with this problem. I am 40, ds8 and dd21months. MIL, 86, has lived with us for EIGHT years, since her husband died. She has always hated me, and I don't say that in a "poor me" way. Dh confirms this; there is a lot of talking behind my back, everything I do is wrong (to her). Constant small things; for example, at the end of every day I put the tea towels in the kitchen in the washing machine. I hate damp, dirty tea towels - bacteria fest. She constantly complains to DH about my "wasteful" ways. She would use a dirty tea towel for six months without thinking of washing it. It makes me feel sick just thinking about MY children wiping their hands or whatever on something like that.

Lets remember this is MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY and I don't give a toss what she thinks.

Anyway, now she has been diagnosed with alzheimers/vascular dementia. Had an MRI, substantial damage. All downhill from here..

We went away for a few days last week, but because of her condition my husband insisted on taking her with us. Imagine Dame Edna Everage, and her old assistant "Madge". Well, Madge is MIL. Sitting outside at a county house, and there is MIL, miserable as sin, ruining the few days I have on holiday with my family.

I don't know if anyone can understand this unless you have been forced to live with someone who hates you for eight years.

For my own sanity/happiness I want her gone from my life. My husband refuses on the basis that he is the only child. There are no other relatives on his side.

It will get worse I know. She doesn't have a bath for weeks, I think at the moment it is a month.. I feel like I live in a pensioners home but this is MY HOUSE.

Currently, and conveniently, she has forgotten we are married (only 15 YEARS). She keeps asking him "what are her plans" because she thinks dh is 20 not 53 and I am some sort of girlfriend.. passing through.

I am also worried about my dc's. And how her deterioration will affect them. Not to mention their safety.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is 86.. not just leaving my 30's..

Am I unreasonable to want MIL out?

My grandmother had Alzheimers and lived with us for 8 years when i was young. It was often terrifying, and always exhausting for my mother. Mum gradually lost all her friends, social life anything - you have to FIGHT for every bit of assistance from the State, and it becomes next to impossible to take a violent, delusional, incontinent person out of the house. No relatives were prepared to help for more than a few days. I found the whole situation so scary I avoided home as much as possible.

meant to say also (sorry) as an only child it is a horrendous responsibilty to have the weight of a parent on your shoulders as you know they can't look after themselves. Give him a break a bit and try to discuss with him how difficult it is for you and in a non (she hates me way).

I think that unless they are in your shoes specifically the nasty judgers (stevie who apologised aside) should probably attempt to keep their opinions to themselves. It sounds like you are in an awful position and I cant imagine how hard it must be. What sort of care can you apply for from social services?

Speak to the Alzeimers society

I am a bit shocked about the 'selfish' comments - it sounds like a horrendous situation to be in.

I do think however that the anger you feel toward your MIL might be displaced anger that you feel towards your DH for giving you no choice in any of this.

If you can make DH sit down with you and work through all the ins and outs of what will happen as she goes downhill (perhaps come up with a definitive 'list' that, when checked off, becomes the point at which she absolutely goes into a home), then - assuming you can reach agreement together on what to do going forward - I think you will be able to bear what you have now a little better.

FWIW the list should include stuff like, maybe 'unable to toilet', 'upsets the children', 'gets upset herself X times per day' and so on. An alzheimers support group will probably be able to give you a prognosis. Your DH might actually agree that many of the checkpoints have already been reached - it sounds as if he is just sticking his head in the sand about this rather than thinking things through in a rational way to come to a decision of how to move forwards. Of course, if you take this approach you need to include in the factoring all those benefits to her quality of life that come from the environment she is in now; yes it is your home, but it is also her only family and even though she maybe can't articulate the values herself, you need to include them in the decisions, otherwise your DH may not come round (and it will ease the guilt you will have when she does move on)

Not easy. I have a friend in a similar situation. Good luck.

Sorry again. I can be a bit impulsive with my answers. 8 years is a long time to put up with something like that. Just think that it won't be for much longer.

YANBU.. I can hardly cope with my MIL for 8 days..8 years would have been the end of my marriage!

I think having a person in so evident a state of confusion would worry me greatly around children....although the forgetting you are married thing does sound like the old-timers talking.

point out your concern for your children to your DH....depending how old your kids are she could be a real risk to them (by e.g. forgetting to shut the door/stairgate.). Just expecting them to be around that kind of bad atmosphere all the time seems pretty harmful to me.

at the very least you need some space, and to be able to leave her for a few days for a holiday. there are respite care facilities - have a look on line to see if there is one near you to introduce her to gently.

if it was my mother, i know in her sane self she wouldn't want to be harming her grandchildrens lives..so if my own mum was in this condition I'd have to care for her in some way that posed no risk to my kids and my marriage.

I assume that since your DH wants his mother cared for at home he will be rearranging things so that he will be there to wipe her bottom/cope with her being up all hours of the night and also look after the 2 dc you have?

Hmm thought not (could be mistaken) It is an illness that gets soooo bad that you could not possibly care for her at home anyway.

Added to the fact she has been awful to you? I would/could not care for someone like that.

Sympathy to you OP x

I am truly shocked at some of the nasty posts on this thread calling the OP "self-centred".

She has lived with her MIL for 8 years i.e. nearly 3000 days, or all of her DS's life. Her DH seems to agree that MIL hates her - I cannot imagine living even a week like that.

I don't think it would be at all unreasonable/uncaring to look into other care options for MIL be that respite care, social services, residential care etc. Particularly if she is deteriorating and it is going to impact on the OP's children.

So, apples, YANBU. Good luck.

Hi, thanks for your replies. I already feel a bit less alone. Maybe I shouldn't have used capital letters in my first post. May look a little INSANE.

I do try not to lose a sense of humour. But sometimes I do feel selfish and want the family life I suspect I could have without MIL here.

It really is like living in a bad sitcom. I go shopping, stock up on loads of topside, chickens, etc for the freezer. Feel happy that I am providing lovely food for family.
Then MIL, at dinner, (roast beef, yorkshire puds, the works), suddenly remembers she is a vegetarian and will only eat the peas. The day before she ate chick kiev.

And frankly she could go on another 10 years - so it may not just be short a "short time". My grat-granny had Alzheimers and lived to her mid-90s.
You def need to enlist support from Alzheimers Soc and so on.

YANBU

My grandmother lived with us when I was growing up. She was vile to my mum, who had to take it all on the chin as dad was out at work all day.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it impacted very badly on my childhood and teenage years. I could never have friends round after school as granny would not use the toilet, only a potty, which she would then slop around all over the floor. The house smelled of piss all the time. She would bang around all night shouting. As she got worse she got nastier. She once tore up all my O-level Art work which had taken me a year to produce. She locked us out of the house many times. We could have no pets as she would let them out of the house onto the road.

YANBU

I dont think you are being self-centred, I think you have come on here for a bit of a rant and to get some support and people should be aware of that.

My DH is an only child and his parents are already quite dependant on him. I have 2 siblings and so I guess I will never fully understand how it feels to know that you will be the only support to your parents if and when they become vulnerable. I'm aware though that it is his belief, and his mothers, that they will never go in to a home and that we will care for them as needed. My opinion is that we will cross that bridge when we come to it, as I'm not sure I would be able to become a carer to them, however callous that may sound. You have to be realistic about what you can and can't cope with in life.

It makes it particularly difficult that she has been so horrible to you in the past 8 years, whether or not this has been her illness undiagnosed it is not unreasonable for you to feel the strain of this and resent her being such a presence in your family.

You need to speak to your DH and get some support to reach a compromise. Whilst she is still your family it is important that you and your DH are united on this, you will need the support of each other what ever the outcome.

Actually, I would say YANBU - our grandmother lived with my parents for years with alzheimers, and it's very, very hard to care for someone you like so I can't imagine what it would be like for someone you don't like.

It will get worst. Her forgetfulness is part of her condition, as is being stubbon, aggressive and refusing to wash (I do remember the arguments my mother had trying to force Nana into the shower and to make her wear clean clothes rather than putting on the same clothes for days)

If she doesn't already, soon she will need care, if you don't like her, can you imagine being the one to bath her? Would your DH be happy to do this for his mother or will he expect you to do it?

Caring for my grandmother took over my parents lives for several years, and they had the advantage of grown children who could help 'Nana sit' (you can't hire a baby sitter for an elderly person for a night out), other siblings who would offer informal respite for a week now and then and not to have to parent small children.

Basically, you need to get advice from the very good charities that offer support to families, and then sit your DH down with the realities of your MIL's condition, professional care in a home could be the best solution. Please do this as without too much emotion/anger. This is very hard for a son to accept.

Good luck.

It is such a sad indictment (sp?) of care services for elderly people in this country that this has to be such a massive issue for so many families. If we could be confident that elderly care homes across the country were actually places that we could send our Mums and Dads to get the proper care that they need for specific illnesses then maybe there wouldn't be such heartache for people.

(Sorry if that offends anybody who works in the care industry - it is not a pop at you but at "the system")

Apples - I would like to offer my profound apologies for my posts. I reacted without thinking the whole thing through and came accross as a nasty judgy bitch, which I hope I am not.

I truly am not such a mean person as I have come accross and hope that if/when we meet on future threads you will come to know that.

I am sorry if I upset you and will request that my earlier posts be deleted from this thread.

LilRedWG

YA so very NBU. I worked with Alzheimers patients for many years. I was always amazed by how much the families (and by that read the women) put up with before seeking help. I found it an incredibly draining and emotionally distressing job. Bear in mind I got to go home after 8 hours and had two days off a week. You don't.

You are right in thinking it is going to be all downhill from here. Some patients with Alzheimers get down right nasty as they deteriorate. You can occasionally see their old personality shine through, but it gets less and less. The not washing, the treating you as an unrelated servant and the constant nit picking will get worse and worse. It's just part of the condition.

You need to start the process of getting help now. Investigate the possibility of respite care. Some places will provide care for a period of 1 to 3 weeks in order to allow the family a break. It also easies the process of going into a home in the future as the place becomes known to them and not frightening. It will also help your DH see how much happier you are when she is not around.

Speak to her doctor, get a social worker assigned and start the process. In some ways her diagnosis makes it easier for you. Previously it was 'she hates me, I want her gone', now it is 'she's ill and needs the sort of help I can't give'. And above all don't feel guilty

I think you're a saint - we moved to my grandma's house when I was seven and she died two years later and I remember feeling guilty that I didn't want to cry when she died.
Can't remember any positives about living with her - she didn't speak to any of us or really acknowledge our existence; sometimes we had to walk her to the outside loo which I didn't like as she smelled when you got up close.
Her days were spent in the corner of the kitchen hogging the fire.
She may only last another three or four years, but by then DS1 will be a teenager who no longer wants to spend much time at home (if he's anything like mine), and it'll be a shame if you haven't been able to enjoy the last few years of him being a little boy.

YANBU. I feel v sympathetic towards your situation. My Grandmother had dementia and it was awful. I was about 8 when it was diagnosed and 12 when she died.

My parents tried to help, and we got her some live in help, but it was impossible. She ended up in a home which initially she hated because she didn't understand why she hd to stay in the "awful hotel". My mother was a SAHM and a very caring type, didn't have such young children, and my Grandmother was a "nice" person - ie a much better situation than the one you are in. And we couldn't cope.

Get some respite care...and lots of advice.

Good luck.

I am a long time lurker on MN but have been moved to post on this topic. YANBU!!!
My maternal grandmother lived with us for 12 yearsand although she didn't not have anything as horrible as Alzheimers. The impact on our famiily life, and in particular on my mother, was huge. My mum cared for her wonderfully well but she says that it damaged the relationship with her mother during the last years of her life. My parents also had my paternal grandfather living with them during the first 7 years of their marriage and they feel so strongly about this that they have made us all promise that we will never have them to live with us, no matter what!! My mum says that even if she seems to change her mind later on we should know that it's not what she really wants.
OP, I really feel for your DH, it must be awful to watch your mother go through this. However, it is too much of a burden for you all as a family, and you OP, in particular.
There is excellent advice on her regarding care and assistance options so I hope you find a solution that you can all be happy with, incl your MIL (how frightening this illness must be for her). Good luck!

YANBU at all. MIL's partner has dementia, MIL cared for him at home for years as he went slowly downhill and it was a huge burden on her. He got more and more violent (sadly not uncommon) and eventually was sectioned after attacking a social worker (he had been attacking MIL for years but nobody believed her).

My nan also has alzheimer's and has been in a care home for years -- she is physically still quite fit at 94 but mentally away with the fairies. So the situation could go on for a long time.

Your MIL needs to be somewhere she can get proper care. It is not fair for all this burden to fall on you. Hopefully someone can advise on how best to get the ball rolling, I would think that talking to the GP would be a good starting point.

Her personality may be down to Alzheimer's, it may not.
However caring for someone with Alzheimer's is hard- wandering at night (both outside and inside unless you physically restrain), paranoia, threats, incontinence, increasing lack of comprehension and mobility. not an environment I'd want to be in, or that I'd want my children to be brought up in. I don't know if your DH realises how it's almost certainly going to be I think you need to look into respite care / residential homes (possibly with nursing facilities).

The alzheimer's society website has a forum called Talking Point - they're all lovely and helpful on there.

Perhaps you could show this to your DH or at least mention it to him - it clearly illustrates that the potential damage to you and your children could be far worse than her upset at being put in a care home. I hope you can get through to him.

Are you going to return to work (I'm assuming you're sahm now)? If so will your dh give up work to care for his mum?
I do believe in family looking after family, but I think the blood relative and not automatically the women should do the brunt or at least half of the caring. I also think the dh needs to be a man and say how dare you slag of dw to me!

this is tricky and I really feel for you. I used to look after people with Alzheimers and it can be very very difficult.

it can be very difficult for families where there has been love but I imagine nigh on impossible where there has been previous hatred. and that is the crux of the matter really isn't it? You don't like each other and that isn't going to change. So,it seems the problem here isn't your MIL as much as your husband for not realising what this has been doing to you all these years.

I absolutely do not believe that children should be sheltered from ill health at all...so I don't think her being around this children is a problem per se, but you being so unhappy is and I wish you all the best sorting it out, it won't be easy either way.