MIL is driving me crazy and I want her OUT

[applesaretheonlyfruit]

Hi, I seem to be the only person my age with this problem. I am 40, ds8 and dd21months. MIL, 86, has lived with us for EIGHT years, since her husband died. She has always hated me, and I don't say that in a "poor me" way. Dh confirms this; there is a lot of talking behind my back, everything I do is wrong (to her). Constant small things; for example, at the end of every day I put the tea towels in the kitchen in the washing machine. I hate damp, dirty tea towels - bacteria fest. She constantly complains to DH about my "wasteful" ways. She would use a dirty tea towel for six months without thinking of washing it. It makes me feel sick just thinking about MY children wiping their hands or whatever on something like that.

Lets remember this is MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY and I don't give a toss what she thinks.

Anyway, now she has been diagnosed with alzheimers/vascular dementia. Had an MRI, substantial damage. All downhill from here..

We went away for a few days last week, but because of her condition my husband insisted on taking her with us. Imagine Dame Edna Everage, and her old assistant "Madge". Well, Madge is MIL. Sitting outside at a county house, and there is MIL, miserable as sin, ruining the few days I have on holiday with my family.

I don't know if anyone can understand this unless you have been forced to live with someone who hates you for eight years.

For my own sanity/happiness I want her gone from my life. My husband refuses on the basis that he is the only child. There are no other relatives on his side.

It will get worse I know. She doesn't have a bath for weeks, I think at the moment it is a month.. I feel like I live in a pensioners home but this is MY HOUSE.

Currently, and conveniently, she has forgotten we are married (only 15 YEARS). She keeps asking him "what are her plans" because she thinks dh is 20 not 53 and I am some sort of girlfriend.. passing through.

I am also worried about my dc's. And how her deterioration will affect them. Not to mention their safety.

Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is 86.. not just leaving my 30's..

Am I unreasonable to want MIL out?

This is such an awful situation to be in. As other posters have said, it is hard enough to care for someone you love and who is reasonably nice to you.

I do hope that you are able to get your DH on board so that you are able to get MIL into appropriate residential care where she will be well cared for and you will be less taken for granted. In the meantime, you should be looking to get as much help as you can with her care while she lives with you.

Even if you have no way out of the situation for what ever family reasons, there is the possibility of help out there which can make it physically much easier on you and more emotionally tolerable. Unfortunately, you will have to push very hard to get it. Your adversaries (or allies if you are lucky) will be your and MIL's GP(s) and the local social services. The sooner you start, the better.

The first thing to remember is that any benefits are assessed on your MIL's income and assets, not yours or your DHs. I guess if she is living with you that she doesn't have much money of her own, which helps a lot at this stage. At a very bare minimum, she should be eligible for attendance allowance, probably at the higher rate. This is not means tested. It will be paid with her pension, and would help to pay for personal care - getting her washed, or up and dressed. They may take a bit of finding, but there are self-employed nurses out there who do just this sort of work. They will know how to handle the old and cantankerous, will know exactly what kit you need to make it all easier (and who to ask for it from) and also be invaluable sources of information about other similar resources in your area.

You need to talk to your GP about the local care team - district nurses, OTs and physio - this is your route in to kit which make the whole physical grind of caring for someone much physically easier.

You also need to get the Social Services involved and ask for a carers assessment for you. If you ask for this, they have to do one. This is a route into at least minimal respite - my Mum has a lady come in one morning a week to sit with Dad while Mum goes to her choir practice. There may well be more available, and this is a good chance to discuss the availability of overnight or longer respite care.

Good luck, and I do so hope that you are able to come to a solution that meets all your needs.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in the least. It is a pity that she came to live with you in the first place, and unfair that you don't even get a break.
I would contact Age Concern in the first instance and talk to someone there about your situation and options.

Neversaydie has some good advice.
My GMIL apparently became a much nicer person once Alzheimer's set in-which is why I thought she was lovely and everyone who'd known her long term thought her a dragon.

It is all very well your DH feeling responsible for her, but if you are the one doing the care then you are being responsible for her and he can't make that choice for you- it's a choice you need to make together.

Worse for you is that you have two young children at an age where one is probably thinking deeply on tangents and the other is scared on the surface. Children do grow up in homes like that and do okay, but only if mummy is okay, and right now you are not so again whilst DH may be an only child he needs to consider the impact of the two children he has.

Are you being unreasonable- no, some people may not be comfortable with what you are saying, but they haven't lived with what you have.

willowstar, I found it hard to watch my Grandma decline, to be told that I was trying to steal from her, to wander the streets looking for her, to have her insist that my Grandad wasn't her husband. I found it stressful and upsetting and I was constantly on edge and that was specific times, from the age of about 17. I really don't think it would be fair for a child to have to live like that, full time. This isn't 'illness' or disability, this is watching someone you used to know and love turn into a monster and then a shell.

Glad that neversaydie has mentioned the Attendance Allowance - just wanted to say that you can always call the Pension Service and ask for a visiting officer to do a full benefit check. 0845 60 60 265. It's free and you'll get an appointment in the next two or three weeks.

I have no experience of your situation, but you are absolutely right to vent on here. Huge respect for you - I don't know if I could do it.

You really need a third party to come and assess the situation. When emotionally involved to the degree your DH is, it is very difficult to see the bigger picture, and to accept the impact it is having on you and your DCs.

Phone Social Services and try and get some help.

My sister and I have been in a very similar situation recently and it took an outside party to see the reality of what was going on. Our mother is now in a residential home and is very happy (really is, and keeps telling people she should have gone there years ago!). But it took a great domestic 'scene' to get it to this point, after many years of everyone being at each other's throat.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. It is an intolerable situation but your DH will probably need someone 'professional' to point that out.

Good luck.

oh and if she is declining, get Enduring Power of Attorney (or whatever it;s called) sorted asap

This will eventually erode your marriage. Your dh needs to see things from your point of view now. He's had it his own way for a long time, knowing that you are looking after his mum and he can feel he's doing the right thing (while in fact you are).

My mum lives with us. She and dh get on really well. My mum is 84 and is not even remotely demented; sharp as a needle. She is not difficult in any way. I still get seriously peed off with her from time to time.

This cannot last. It is hard to look after someone with dementia, and really you have to love them a lot, and even then there will be times.....

As someone said earlier in the thread (can't remember who, sorry), if he's prepared to do all the looking after etc then fine, let him. But he won't.

He needs to face reality. You need to get in touch with the Alzheimer's society and see what help is available; there's loads as I understand it.

And then you need to look at local care homes and find her a nice one.

Well, I wasn't expecting this. Thank you to those who apologised. MIL diagnosis is very recent. 8 weeks ago. Dh has head in sand. There are some things I recognise from what posters have said and now I'm not thinking about me, but my two children. There seems to be a consensus that even part of a childhood spent in a house with an elderly relative with dementia can be terrifying, or just sad, but certainly not good. I am determined that this will not be part of my dc's experience of family life.

Currently, MIL is not distressed, she is not frightened, or agressive. When she remains in her daily routine, she can even pass as normal if vague. She has, though, always been miserable, DH says since about 1958. There is no one who can suck the "happy air" out of a room faster than her.

There has only been one incident with my son that was upsetting. Luckily our house is quite big, and as ds was coming down the stairs he saw MIL walking up. He took her hand to help her, which she took to be an attempt to push her down the stairs. He said, as he took her hand, "don't fall down the stairs grandma". And she hissed back at him "Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you". Afterwards I told him that grandma's mind has gone a bit funny. Inadequate, I know.

When we saw the consultant, a young nurse also asked her "lifestyle satisfaction" questions, etc. Bare in mind that this is a woman who has vigorously defended her right to be miserable for decades. So a perky 23-year-old demanding that she actively seek out "happy" experiences etc was a huge affront to her way of life.

While I may not have been motivated enough to do anything but moan for myself, I am motivated for my children. I will start a file on options, the type of folder I can give to my husband to make a decision, once a line has been crossed in terms of upsetting them.

The trouble is I am slightly appalled by the idea of strangers, social work types, coming into my house to "report" on our family. The very idea fills me with horror. Maybe that means we are nowhere near the desperate stage, as probably many other families are.

my grandma's local hospital has an attached centre where she could go to be assessed i think, as an outpatient obviously. There's no reason why it should need to be in your home

Thank you for the advice about the alzheimers website. I will go there and look around.

Sorry I havent read all the subsequent posts,but i can empathise with how you feel.

I have recently moved dad (92)from my home (after 2 1/2 years only), into a residential home.
He is a sweetie,haas really tried to not "get in the way",but weighing up everything, vascular dememtia,obsessions, panic attacks-so i dont want to leave him evwn though most of the time hes ok,and so many other things.
I tried him in a good residential home (for respite)then realised that good homes not easy to find.so without really , planning, hes now a resident, and i can take him out a couple of times (or more )a week for trips and such like.
This has caused comments with my siblings and,yes dad has called me names, but he needs more than i can now offer him, he does'nt see just how needy he is.
We have finantially lost out, and i always wanted to care until the end for my parents ,but experience and circumstances change.

My kids are much older than yours, and they def. deserve to have their parents to themselves.
look around the csci website ,get things in motion,and remember that medical and social care in this country are not intergrated as they should be,so its in authorities care to keep grannie at home, because its cheaper. What price is your sanity?

I think you may have saved me from myself OP, my MIL is desperate to move in with us and as a fit and healthy 69 year old I've looked like a right cow saying no but I shall show this to DH.
I don't have any advice but of course you are not being unreasonable.

Just wanted to add that YA definitely NBU.

You have done an amazing job for the last 8 years especially as your MIL doesn't like you and presumably, isn't very appreciative of your efforts.

My great-grandma always said she would hate to live with family when she got old as there was "no point swapping a young life for an old one". i.e. you are a young family, you should be enjoying young family times, building memories, being silly, having fun and bonding as a family. That's not to say MIL doesn't have a place in the family, of course she does, but she shouldn't dominate it in this way to the detriment of four other people's happiness. Especially as she's not particularly happy herself so even she's not getting much out of it.

Get to know the facts as to entitlements, look into other options such as care homes and respite care and introduce your DH gradually to these ideas.

And again, YANBU and you have already done/are doing brilliantly.

I'd start investigating care homes

I have personal and professional experience on this one! I work with people with dementia and both my grandparents had it and lived next door to us.

They were my dads parents and he felt very responsible and that he should try very hard to keep them at home but both finally went to residential care and honestly it was much better. My mum did meals, cleaning and medication reminders but she drew a line at washing, toileting etc and got carers. For grandad he started to wander off and wasn't safe at home, for granny she actually got quite sad and lonely: She couldn't remember it was her home or that anyone had visited. She was much happier with others around all day.

At work if someone has a new diagnosis of dementia I always mention all these: Attendance allowance, Alzheimers disease society, will and Power of attorney, social services carers assessment and needs assessment- this is the key to getting day care, a care package and respite.

Honestly social services will not be checking up on you or prying into your life. I would really recommend you have a talk to them just to know what the options are if nothing else. The one thing you can know is that sadly it will get worse. If things eg washing are a problem now it is best to accept help before desperation point comes because things move so slowly.

The overwhelming feedback I get from families who've been struggling on and finally accept carers or day centre or a move to residential care is 'why didn't we do this years ago'. Sometimes its because they think its not what the person would have wanted (like with my granny who always said she wanted to stay at home) but what they wanted in the past and what's best for everyone now might not be the same thing.

Good for you for coping so well so far. I think you sound like a very strong, determined and caring person who just cannot face a worsening situation.

I have no direct experience but I hope you do find extra support to deal with this.

I have a mother with Alzheimers - the LAST thing on earth I would do is move her in with us or us move in with her - I'd end up wanting to kill her.

Its hard enough doing all the washing, bathing, shopping, answering inane questions on the basis of being a visitor, doing it 24/7 is almost asking inhuman patience.

Not sure why you have been berated by responders for managing with your MIL while having your family for the last 8 years - you sound like a bl**dy saint to me!!

Get an SS assessment and get some funded carers in. Someone to bath her at least twice a week and ask for day care assessment too. You need some breathing space, managing a parent with a dementing illness is soul-destroying, and if you have both never got on it will just feel like a life sentence.

You have a right to a family life too, and its a shame MIL was moved in in the first place, she probably should have stayed in her own home after her husband died.

I don't have experience of dementia added in, but my grandma (mum's mum) lived with my family for 12 years and never in that time spoke to my dad. Nobody knew quite what had happened to offend her, but she never forgave him and, when I was 16 and a bit arsy she decided I was just like him and refused to speak to me as well.

In some ways the not speaking thing was easier than the consistent undermining which preceded it, but overall it meant that my dad was just absent for about 8 years either working or staying out of the way so I still don't really know him.

It was difficult in many ways, constantly feeling like my mum and siblings were being bribed or we were played off against each other and that was without additional health complications.

Please get some information together to give to your DH on Alzheimers and see if he can be involved in finding some suitable care for your MIL to avoid damaging you and your DCs. Good luck

You are a saint, i don't know how you do it. I really can't believe that anyone would think that yabi. You need to speak to your dh, he can no longer bury his head in the sand, as any decision affects the whole family.

Christ apples, your truly are a saint. I lived my my MIL for 6 weeks. Never Again!!!

I have no advice as I have no experience of this but will watch with interest as I have a funny feeling we are heading the same way. And MIL doesn't like me very much either.

YABU for letting her live with you in the first place! Your H needs to stop being selfish or he can go with her. Why on earth does he expect you to live with someone who hates you??!!

OMG 8 years, you deserve a medal and a life!!
Can you do this gently so your dh doesn't feel guilty, how about getting some respite care for weekends or during the day, you should not be expected to do this any longer.Recipe for lifelong resentment!!

I don't think 8 years is that long personally; how many years did she bring up your husband for? Imagine if it were your mum or even you and your son's wife was trying to get rid of you when he wanted you there still. Add to that you being ill and elderly and you can see how difficult it must be.

I know I'd want my mum living with me in the same situation. I also know how hard caring for someone is as my dad is a wheelchair user and my mum is his carer and has been for over 30 years.

I think that if you force him to put his mother into a care home and, god forbid, she dies soon he will always resent you and it may come between you. Even if she didn't die soo (and I'm sorry to bring that up) then he may still resent you for forcing him to do it. She's 86 and ill, please try and imagine yourself like that and quite possibly scared. If the bathing is an issue for you then could dh prompt her; ie has she just been forgetting? How awful for her that she would go a month between baths, I would think it's a memory issue and that she would feel terribly embarrassed if she realised.

JodieO perhaps you could pop round and give her a hand then.