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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu..to be hurt that my parents say i give my baby too much attention?

32 replies

motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 22:00

ds 2 is 17 months ans is quite clingy.he says mama alot and is very affectionate,which of course i reciprocate.we were swimming the other day and grandad was with ds2.i went to swim off to do some lengths..he noticed and shouted'mamaaa!'i laughed and said "oh,i don't know why he's such a clingy thing" and my parents gave each other knowing looks and said"yes,you do"
i was confused and said"what do you mean? no i don't"
they said that they think i give him too much attention (although they were hasty to add "not to the detriment of dd)
they've obviously spoken about this and it upset me.
i'm SAHM and give my children as much love and time as i can,whilst going about normal life.
i'm pissed off with parents for accusing me of giving too much.
aibu?

OP posts:
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 27/07/2009 22:02

YANBU. Ignore them. Your relationship with your son sounds lovely, and if it isn't to the detriment of DD, then what possible problem could they have with it?

If he's still clingy at the age of 35, then you might want to start worrying

booyhoo · 27/07/2009 22:04

they think you give your child too much attention?!

wouldnt let it bother you in the slightest. they would have something to worry about if it was the other way round- not giving him enough attention.

perhaps you just dont mention that you dont know why he is so clingy the next time. that way not giving them the opportunity to comment. he is your son. love him with all that you have.

squilly · 27/07/2009 22:06

I've had that from my mum. Ignore it. Most small babies who have a good relationship with their mums are 'clingy' and most parents who are great parents pay them too much attention. They're small for such a short time. If you enjoy paying your DS attention, do it and enjoy it.

BlueSmarties · 27/07/2009 22:07

YANBU. Neither of my children could care less if I left them for a while but a friend of mine's dd screamed the house down if her mum even went out the room to go to the loo. It got to be quite a good joke in the end. Then she just suddenly grew out if it.

Be there for him and he will grow more and mroe secure and confident and grow into a relaxed outgoing child.

GwarchodwrPlant · 27/07/2009 22:09

It's normal and natural for a young child to be clingy and want to be near his mother. I would worry about attachment issues if it wasn't like that TBH. Ignore them, they are a different generation and therefore have outdated ideas on child-rearing!

LyraSilvertongue · 27/07/2009 22:09

It's not nice to fell your parenting has been been talked about behind your back.
Of course you haven't given your child too much attention. Ignore them.

Greensleeves · 27/07/2009 22:12

you're following your instincts and giving your baby what he NEEDS. He's a baby. He is telling you what he needs to feel happy and secure and you are giving it to him!

Was your mum's style more hands-off? Perhaps she perceives a slight in your different way of doing things. I remember my mother smirking knowingly and muttering to herself when I cuddled my little babies to sleep. She used to say "they're never to young to learn who's boss"

I never told her I thought her views were wrong (actually I thought they were weird, and cruel) I just did things my way anyway.

He's your baby and you are doing fine, and your parents will just have to get used to it. Stick to your guns! It won't be the last time you'll have to weather other people's disapproval in doing what is best for your own family.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 22:16

i think it's also the fact that i've always thought they thought i was a great parent.i know it's not a very modern view,but although i did a degree and got a job in journalism..it was only to make them proud.i hated it.and always said i wanted to be a SAHM.

my mum always hated me saying this infront of any of her friends,she was always a career woman,and i think she was embarrassed by my lack of drive academically/proffessionaly.

so when became a sahm, i wanted to prove to her that this was the career i was born to have,and that i am good at it.

i suppose that is the crux of the problem.that she's criticising me behind my back,when i believed she thought i was doing a good job.

probably over thinking it aren't i?!!

re my son,he's pretty out going and confident.i think he's just a momma's boy! don't see the problem.

OP posts:
wahwah · 27/07/2009 22:18

The weird thing is that we tend to parent like our own parents. Either they've forgotten their devotion to you, or they left a little gap in their care of you which you are not letting your own children experience. It's sad, but it just may be that you're doing a slightly better job than them. That may help you put their comments in context, because you sound like a great mum.

Rindercella · 27/07/2009 22:18

YANBU. You are doing what you believe is best for your child (for both your DC). Your DS is 17 months old - of course he is going to be close to you. It would be quite odd actually, if he saw you swimming off into the distance and didn't react at all.

I hate it when people make comments like this (probably even worse when they are your own parents). One of my oldest friends said to me once, "Rinders, the trouble with your DD is that she is just so needy". DD was 4 months old at the time. Of course she was fecking needy! I haven't spoken to that friend nearly as much as I would do normally as I just cannot get past that comment. Sad, but true.

sweetnitanitro · 27/07/2009 22:19

It is horrible having your parenting criticised, especially by your own parents but stick to your guns, you know what is best for your DCs and it sounds to me like you're doing a great job!

I never wanted a career either so I know where you are coming from there.

Wigglesworth · 27/07/2009 22:22

Ignore them, they could be jealous too. If your DS was clingy with them I bet they would revel in it and tell you that you don't pay him enough attention.
I learned very early on that me and DH have very different views on parenting to our parents. I just tell myself I am the Mum, I am doing the raising and I deal with the consequences. Simples.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 22:24

greensleeves my mum had a hard time when we were young,she was in 2 miserable relationships throughout my childhood(the man i referred to as dad isn't actually,haven't seen him since i was 9..it's just easier saying that than explaining background..but i have,so oh well!) and although we knew she loved us,i dont remember many happy times.

she worked a lot too. i think that's why i was so determined to give my dcs what i missed out on.

OP posts:
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 27/07/2009 22:28

too much attention? no such thing imo. Especially if your other LO is not losing out because of it.

Continue as you are, sounds great.

DHs mother is of the generation/opinion that you can spoil a child. But then, she also put DH at the farthest end of the house so she could 'rest' after giving birth to him and not be disturbed by his crying

Original poster
motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 22:30

god,it's so nice to read your commments..i'm a bit hormonal so may blub it's good to hear that i'm not alone when it comes to this.
i know they think i kiss and cuddle them too much too..!!sometimes i do it more when they're ther just to irritate them

i think they think i'm emotionally needy. but doesn't everyone love to give love and recieve it?

OP posts:
ssd · 27/07/2009 22:30

maybe she feels guilty?

you're doing a great job, your kids sound lovely

snala · 27/07/2009 22:33

YANBU! How can you gve a baby too much attention? He is obviously close to you. (as he should be)

They sound a bit old fashioned regards parenting styles, My dad said I 'ought to put him down a bit' regarding my 3 week old ds when he was born!!

Dont let what they think bother you,its nothing to do with them.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 27/07/2009 22:39

ssd yes,i know she feels guilty.there's not a lot i can do about that.i've said it wasn't her fault re the 1st marriage and understood why she was miserable/shouty a lot..can't forgive her for the 2nd marriage only a year after divorce from 1st (sounds like eastenders!)
but it's not something we discuss.

sometimes i feel envious of the way she is with my kids,she wasn't like that with us!

i just feel this is the only thing i've ever been good at and hate the thought of them bitching behind my back.
theyre supposed to support me,not bloody have a go!

i suppose they always think 'mum knows best'..and forget that their children are now mums too!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 27/07/2009 22:42

You will get lots of comments like that-I find it best to smile sweetly and change the subject-don't rise to it.

wahwah · 27/07/2009 23:29

It is often best to rise above comments, but only if you really can. Otherwise I think it's mostly better to tell people that their comments are upsetting and not to make any more. I don't interfere with other parents unless they ask for my view ( mumsnet counts as asking!) or are doing something actively harmful and this mightbe a good rule for your mum.

slowreadingprogress · 27/07/2009 23:46

Lots of good advice on here already

I just wanted to add my sympathy really; it's perfectly natural that you want your parents to think you are a good mum. It's SO ego boosting and validating if your own mum says "You're a brilliant mum" or "you're such lovely kind parents" - my own mum has said things like this since we had ds 7 years ago and I'll never forget those words and they have done me ALOT of good!

I think it's one of the most undermining things to experience, as a parent, if you feel your own parents are criticising you and I'm not at all surprised you feel awful about it.

What I would do is try to tell your mum and dad that their opinion of your parenting really matters to you. Tell them that as parents we so rarely actually get any feedback on our skills (at work we'd get praise from a boss, hopefully, appraisals etc; SOME feedback) and it's really important to you that they think you're doing ok...

though I do think that your mum's own guilt over your up-bringing is a factor here so I guess you have to accept it's hard for her to look at the situation purely and simply as about YOU rather than a kind of complex entwinement of YOU and HER MISTAKES!!!

raffyandted · 28/07/2009 01:05

YANBU. I get this a bit from my mum if we're talking about DS (nearly 4). He was always a very clingy baby & toddler & still likes to have me near if we are somewhere new.

It's not direct criticism, just things like 'oh well, he's always had a lot of attention from you' or 'well, you're not very assertive with him' or 'you don't have enough authority in your voice'- after this last one I said 'I can't help my voice,I'm being as firm as I can without shouting at him and she said 'well SHOUT, then'

Original poster
motherbeyond · 28/07/2009 08:46

slowreadingprogress..i do agree with you,i think there is a lot guilt all round.
she is usually really supportive of me actually, and says things like you mention "you're such a lovely mum,much more patient than i ever was" , "you're doing really well" etc..so that's why it came as a suprise when i was criticisd on this occasion.
i get the impression that this is since my son was born.

i think my mum is always aware of my relationship with my him,because my gran always favoured my uncle over my mum.she has since favoured any boys born into the family,and this is really obvious.she sees men as the weaker sex and thinks women should care for them.

as a result this is clouding how my mother sees my relationship with ds.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 28/07/2009 08:50

Ignore them. Just do what makes you happy. Bugger what anyone else thinks. If you are getting a good balance, meeting the needs of both your children and you are all happy then you are doing a fab job!

Morloth · 28/07/2009 09:19

The best thing you can do for a clingy child IME is to pay them lots of attention and cuddles and affection. Eventually they will become reassured and start to move away.

Enjoy it while it lasts! I now have to crash tackle my DS to get a kiss and cuddle, he is far to busy to be bothered with that sort of thing.