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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to buy a dog without DH agreeing to it?

115 replies

SoccerMum · 26/07/2009 23:16

I so want a little dog, as much as I want one, DH doesnt.

Im sat here plotting to but one without him knowing, and concocting some yarn about how I came about getting the dog?

AIBU?

OP posts:
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 27/07/2009 09:48

Another thing OP, you say you have always had a dog, thats great. But have you ever been solely responsible for one? As in, its feeding, toileting, socialisation and training - a badly trained dog is an absolute nightmare. Having dogs around when you are growing up is all well and good, but it is very different indeed when you are the one who has to make it behave itself.

I am having read the rest of the thread that you say "all he would HAVE to do is nighttime walkies" Yeah right, id really love that - have that responsibility hoisted on me so tht i had to take a dog out before i went to work of a night. Oh yeah, great - instead of chilling out, getting my arse in gear, i now have to walk a dog - five minutes? poor dog, thats not enough. It will still want to go out when its pissing down with rain too - so your DH now not only has to take the thing out before he goes to work, he has to get soaked in the process.

paisleyleaf · 27/07/2009 09:52

yabu
I wanted a dog, same as you I've grown up with dogs, DH working nights a lot etc
But DH really isn't a 'dog' person. He's worried about dog hairs on his suit, dog chewing the furniture etc ....I can't really say "oh no, you're getting mixed up with cats" as the concerns he has are things that may well happen.
So we've never got one, and tbh I am quite enjoying being pet-free at the moment (except for DDs rabbit), not having to pick up poo every day, planning days out/holidays is easier etc.
My mum got a dog last year. That'll do for a dog in the family, and we look after it at times and walk it regularly.

I think if you look into it, there are rescue centres that are glad of foster homes for dogs.....I wonder if you could do something like that?

mrsdisorganised · 27/07/2009 10:02

Please do not get a dog unless you both agree to it and find a suitable one for your family. You don't want to have a situation like the above poster, and you may think 'it'll work out' but tbh it's a very stressfull environment for a dog to live in. I know we have also been there.

Think very carefully.

bumpsoon · 27/07/2009 10:27

To be fair my DH doesnt pay for anything dog related ,if we go away i pay for kenneling ,when i work ,i pay for dog walking ,i pay for food ,jabs,wormers ,insurance .My DH never ever walks the dog ,regardless of how ill i might be .He loves the dog ,but i got it therefore it is 100% my responsibility .Unless you can commit to that then i would say no ,dont do it .

paisleyleaf · 27/07/2009 10:56

Thing is though, not all families finances work like that:
this is 'my' money, that's 'your' money.

bumpsoon · 27/07/2009 11:09

Our family finances dont work like that as a rule ,except in the case of the dog that i got without his say so ,so i think its fair in this instance .

bumpsoon · 27/07/2009 11:14

slightly annoying but true ,even though i am the one who does everything for the dog ,he still greets DH as though he has been away weeks everytime he walks through the front door ,pines for him when hes away and treats him like a god in every other respect

Stayingsunnygirl · 27/07/2009 11:22

Ever since before we got married, dh has wanted a dog, but I was unsure for a lot of reasons - I don't like the smell of dogs, found the thought of picking up their poo somewhat nauseating, and wasn't sure I was up for the responsibility (as a SAHM, I'd be the one doing walks etc during the day). Plus we'd got cats, and I was really worried that the cats would hate the arrival of a dog, and be really miserable, and as they were there first, that seemed really mean to me.

Luckily for me, we lived in towns where a big dog (dh always wanted a labrador) wouldn't have been very happy, and dh's commute meant that he'd see almost nothing of a dog, so it remained a pipedream for him.

Just over a year ago, we moved to Scotland, and our surroundings are far more dog-friendly, and where dh's commute is much more reasonable, so the dog question came up again, but this time, having spent time with our neighbour's dog, and the puppy next door but one, I had started to come round to the idea.

It has taken a year, but I have got to the place where I am happy to give dog-ownership a go, and a fortnight ago, a brown lab puppy came into our lives.

And my worries? Well, picking up the poo isn't my favourite job, but doesn't bother me, the cat seems to be ok with the puppy (not happy yet, but hasn't left home and doesn't seem miserable), and I am enjoying the puppy's company so the responsibility that she will be, once the children are back at school, seems fine and I think I'll enjoy it. I still don't like the doggy smell, but even that's not such an issue as I thought it would be.

What I am saying, in all of that rambling, is that it might be worth waiting and giving your dh time to come round to the idea in his own time. Perhaps you could also 'borrow' a dog for a while, or look after one whilst a friend is on holiday, so that your dh can see for himself that there are positive benefits to dog ownership without you having to make a permanent commitment to a dog. He might see that as a reasonable compromise.

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 12:37

Thanks everyone for your constructive advice, I know its not the right thing to do. The last time this came up for discussion we got a rabbit, which we still have.

My kids are 10 and 9 and would both love a dog, but he wont be swayed by their opinion either.

I think i'll get the summer hols out the way and see about the local dogs trust..good idea.

OP posts:
IbblyDranus · 27/07/2009 12:39

you can come and play with my dog and give him lots of cuddles whenever you like

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 12:51

Thank IbblyDranus..

I do look after various friends dogs whilst they go away, and he seems to enjoy that but doesnt want it to go any further than that.

When I said earlier that 'all' he would need to do was night walks, I wasnt belittling that input, more saying that that would be the only task I would ask of him. Plus, if he was antse that then I would have built an earlier last walk into the routine of the dog.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 27/07/2009 13:00

YABVU. I don't like dogs and I would be furious if I was forced to live with one.

Could you not help out at your local rescue shelter or something if you want dogs in your life?

IbblyDranus · 27/07/2009 13:02

but mr soccermum DOES like dogs

so he is being unreasonable really

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 13:17

I think the main issue for me is that there is no comprimise, if we dont get a dog because he doesnt want one, then in my eyes (and most definately in his) he has 'won'.

OP posts:
BuwchBywiog · 27/07/2009 13:21

Can you tell him that because today's society is the way it is that you would feel much safer if you had a dog in the house, especially if he works nights?

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 13:27

BuwchBywiog - I could go down that route, dont know if he would buy it, but it would be an option.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 27/07/2009 13:27

This has to be a joint decision..but I think you know this already..how do you think he would react if the dog just turned up...in theory of course..

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 13:38

Mumcentreplus

It depends. In my devious scheming the plan is to say that someone was rehoming him and I took him for a trial basis of 2 weeks. My plan hinges on DH coming round and warming to the dog in that time!

But rationally, I think he could well go off in a massive strop and make me take the dog back which is why I havent got one yet. If I was that confident it would work out I would have got the dog by now.

OP posts:
TheProfiteroleThief · 27/07/2009 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bronze · 27/07/2009 13:44

you wanted a compromise. Why not see if he would agree to you become a dog fosterer and see how that goes

SoccerMum · 27/07/2009 13:52

ProfiteroleThief

...that I think would be my plan...I had got over this a bit and decided that I would just have to put up with things, until yesterday we went to the park and everyone had one or two dogs with them. Some were horrid, slobbery, rip your throat out dogs, but most were just gorgeous...and its made me all sappy again!

I am like this in lots of areas in my life, if im told 'no' by anyone, I get ever more determined.

OP posts:
hmc · 27/07/2009 14:17

I think he is definitely being unreasonable if your children want a dog too. Don't they get voting rights? Obviously the decisions of the adults in the household are paramount, but the views of the children should not be irrelevant. He sounds like a chauvanist despot!

hmc · 27/07/2009 14:19

For example, I dislike cats - but if kids and dh were hell bent on having one I would consider it (if it wasn't for the fact that I am allergic!)

monkeyfeathers · 27/07/2009 14:23

To be honest, I'm not sure that getting a dog and then lying about it is very different to 'accidentally' getting pregnant because you want a baby. One might seem more 'extreme' but it's the same principle. Both are big responsibilities and will change loads about the way your household works, so they should be joint decisions (unless it really is an accident although I'm not sure there are any real circumstances under which someone could accidentally get a dog). It's also a significant extra expense. And you would be expecting him to commit to caring for the dogbeing responsible for night-time walks is hardly a little consideration.

It's perfectly possible (and reasonable) to like dogs but not want one of your own. I'd be absolutely livid if my OH unilaterally decided to get a pet (of any description)-- even more so if we'd already discussed it and I'd said I didn't want one.

hmc · 27/07/2009 15:06

As a dog owner, I don't think they can be equated monkeyfeathers, and sorry but do find that comparison simplistic.

Dogs are easy to look after, make few demands etc - whereas children are incredibly difficult to parent. The level of (continuing) responsibility, drain on parental resources (emotional, physical and material) is huge where children are concerned (although of course the rewards are much greater, we love our children in a way we don't love our pets!)