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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it isn't the kids' fault, but the parents' allowing them to live like this...

50 replies

Alambil · 19/07/2009 21:08

Just watching the opening of a programme named "young, dumb and living at home" on bbc3

it's about young adults (well, early 20s) who are still at home or living in homes paid for by their parents and about how spoilt they are etc.....

AIBU to think it's the parents at fault, rather than the kids who are allowed to get away with living like that?

For example, the 24 yr old bloke who just said that his mother pays his mortgage

stupid, stupid parents

OP posts:
CybilLiberty · 19/07/2009 21:10

I believe parents will do what they can to help their children. I reckon it's down to the kids to show some respect, independence and maturity and stop taking the piss.

onepieceoflollipop · 19/07/2009 21:12

I am tending to agree with you Lewis.

Cybil, at what age do the children (having ben brought up in this manner) suddenly realise that they ought to show some respect etc.?

CybilLiberty · 19/07/2009 21:14

Well I have a brother who is 35 and still happy to filch off my folks (not money, but childcare, meals etc) Perhaps it's just a pipe dream...in an ideal world.

Do you think these parents do everything for their kids from day one and can't stop

cornsillk · 19/07/2009 21:14

I agree with you Lewis, but it must be hard to say no if you are able to financially support your adult children.

TheArmadillo · 19/07/2009 21:15

I think by the time they get to their 20s they should be taking on some of the responsibilty for themselves.

And I speak as someone whose parents would love to have me living at home and controlling every aspect of my lifestyle and it does take quite a fight to break free of that. But you have to start taking control of your own life and doing this stuff for yourselves. And it becomes your choice to do that.

springlamb · 19/07/2009 21:16

We were not 'early leavers' in my family.
My mum used to say 'leave only when you're moving on to something better'.
But we were expected to pay housekeeping once we were working full time. Mine was £15 a week at 16, it rose to £30 at 21 when I moved into my own flat (this was the 80s).
My older sisters stayed at home until they were 27 and 32.
This was quite the norm in working class south London.
I saw a programme recently where a 27 year old daughter was earning £60,000 in the City and not contributing at all.
I don't understand parents who don't expect their grown up working offspring to contribute, and don't have much respect for the offpsring in this.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/07/2009 21:18

Yup. It is the parents' fault. You are not helping them by encouraging dependence. It is the role of parent to teach their child how to be independent, how to exist in the world on their own 2 feet.

So from that pov, imo, parents who keep their offspring dependent children - have failed in their job.

Original poster
Alambil · 19/07/2009 21:18

one of them (aged 19 I think) just had to be shown how to boil a pan of water on a gas cooker....

they have NO idea how to survive without their parents doing it for them

It's pathetic.

OP posts:
cat64 · 19/07/2009 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Alambil · 19/07/2009 21:26

oh yes, helping is totally different IMO

OP posts:
Noonki · 19/07/2009 21:31

both of their faults.

my 2 year old helps around the house.

but I would never sponge off my parents. i refused to let my mum buy me a pot and pan set (for a tenner) when I was 18 and left home as I wanted to do it all on my own.

Laquitar · 19/07/2009 21:33

I don't think they 'help' their dc's by doing this. The best 'help' is to teach them to stand on their own feet. Because life is full of ups and down and coping with life is the most essential lesson.

ZZZenAgain · 19/07/2009 21:39

hmm well I once had a (stunningly gorgeous) Italian bf ..... (yeah anyway) and I know he went down in my estimation a peg or two when I learned he lived at home with his dp when he was in Italy.

However it is very common there. At that time it was a weird idea for me.

Nowadays I'd say I find it ok for grown up dc to live with their dp but I think they should be contributing members of the household not necessarily in financial terms (but then why not?) . I think they should pull their weight though, just living at home and expecting to be waited on hand and foot is really unattractive behaviour in my eyes

duchesse · 19/07/2009 21:44

Watching it at the moment. They all have an IQ of 70, surely? There's no other reason for them to be behaving like such utters tossers, is there?

Shitemum · 19/07/2009 21:50

In Spain the average age for leaving home is well into ones 30's - usually when you get married and move ionto the flat your parents have bought you...
I think this is typcal in mediterranean countries but also most people never work until they have finished studying and then lately a lot of them don't get jobs anyway...

PrammyMammy · 19/07/2009 22:17

I always wonder where the parents get their patience from. My SIL who is 19 and works full time in the city is still so clueless when it comes to doing things for herself. She never does anything around the house and although she commutes to work by bus, MIL picks her up and drops her off in the Main Street bus stop so she doesn't have to walk 5 minutes up the road. We were away for the weekend and she called MIL to ask what was for her dinner and how to cook it (frozen pizza, from the box), she called on the Mon am to ask where her work clothes were (hadn't been washed as we had been away from Friday till Monday).
I sit like but no one else thinks it is odd.

MillyR · 19/07/2009 22:29

I think it is nice for families to live together and don't mind if my children stay at home until they are 30.

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2009 22:54

My brother and sister paid £120 pm housekeeping right from when they started working.

When I was 18 and started working I would pay my dad £25 house keeping on a Friday, on the wednesday the following week he would hand it back to me. He cooked all my meals etc, Mum did all my washing etc. I moved out when I was 20 and back in when I was 21. Then when my dad died I moved back home to mum for another year.

I knew how to do the things that they did for me BUT they enjoyed doing them and I enjoyed it too.

I have an iq of much higher than 70, yes I was spoilt but that is not a bad thing

Karam · 19/07/2009 23:30

I agree that it is a family home and that the children should be welcome for as long as they need it. But, I also think that they should also pull their own weight. Once earning, we had to pay rent and contribute to the household chores... if my children want to stay on into their twenties, they will be welcome, but they will also be expected to pay rent and contribute to household chores. Any money I do not need from the rent I will put into their bank accounts (as I do now) and they can have as a deposit for their first home (as my parents helped me out when I left home). Chores I expect from an early age - even my two year old is expected to try and make her bed in the morning and help to tidy up her playroom at night.

AppleandMosesMummy · 19/07/2009 23:39

People used to live at home until they got married, my uncle was 30 when he left.
I actually think half the problems with the yoof of today is that they expect to get their own place at 21, kit it out with all the latest gear and are then either bloody miserable when they realise their wages only covers the rent and council tax or get into loads of debt.

I really really hope mine go away to Uni but then come home afterwards for 5 years at least to establish themselves and have some fun before they sign up to a life time of bills.
And if they give me house keeping it'll be going in a bank account for them to have back when they move out.

Karam · 19/07/2009 23:54

"People used to live at home until they got married"

Yes, but they tended to marry a lot earlier than they do today. My mum recalls that she was married at 18, a few years younger than her peers, but she noted that most of her friends were married in their early twenties... so had left the family home by then. That is true of most of my aunts too. As they mostly left school at 16, they tended to settle down earlier than today's youngesters - almost 50% of all girls these days now do not finish their education until they are 21 (or so I was told in a conference the other day). That's 6 years older than when girls left education a generation or two ago... and so the whole expectations have changed... In my mum's generation, most women were expected to have settled down by about 21.

Although Apple moses, I think you hit the nail on the head.. youngsters these days expect to kit out homes with new stuff. My first home (12 years ago now) was entirely kitted out with hand me downs and cheap second hand gear until we could afford to buy new. I think it is that expectation that I should have everything new and now that needs to change!

PrammyMammy · 20/07/2009 12:00

Apple, that's a load of rubbish. I fall into your 'yoof of today' category, and i have never expected a plush new pad with the latest gear, nor am i in debt or miserable.
When i finished school i went to the local college for a year and after that went to study and live in the city.
At 21 i had ds with my dp who i met before i left school. That was after 4 years of further education. Dp and i had lived together in a furnished let in the city while i studied. We needed a bigger place so moved away and had to start over - that was 2 years ago, the only new things we could afford in out house was carpets, and we still have my grans old cooker and next door neighbours old sofa.

Earthymama · 20/07/2009 12:21

But you are the exception Prammy..most young people I know would be horrified if they had 'hand-me-downs'.

I hope that one good thing from the current situation will be less of an obsession with things, (though I have posted about an iphone )

mumeeee · 20/07/2009 12:22

I have trouble with letting go of my kids and do sometimes do to much for them.. But DD1 is 22 and maried and she is pefectly capable of handling all the grown up stuff along with her husband. We helped her while she was at uni and when she came back home for a few months after she finished she applied and gotfull time hours where she had been working part time.
We went away for the weekend and left DD 2 19 at home. When we came back the house was tidy. She had invited friends round and cooked for them but had washed up.

alittlebitfat · 20/07/2009 12:28

While I understand the desire to continue supporting your kids, ultimately it is holdng them back. A 30 yr old mummys boy is not an attractive proposition for an indepedent young woman.

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