To think that it isn't the kids' fault, but the parents' allowing them to live like this...

[Alambil]

Just watching the opening of a programme named "young, dumb and living at home" on bbc3

it's about young adults (well, early 20s) who are still at home or living in homes paid for by their parents and about how spoilt they are etc.....

AIBU to think it's the parents at fault, rather than the kids who are allowed to get away with living like that?

For example, the 24 yr old bloke who just said that his mother pays his mortgage

stupid, stupid parents

[Morloth]

I actually think it makes a lot of sense to pool resources within a family.

[mumeeee]

I agree with you anastaisia. DD1 is married and settled as I have all ready said. But she did come and live at home for a few months after finishing University. DD2 19 is at home at the moment but is going to University In September. She is on Jobseekers allowence but has tried hard to get a job. She hasn't got much money partly because she has spent to much and partly because she of some mistake by the Jobcentre she Has not been given some money they owe her. That is being sorted out. We don't expect her to pay any rent but we do expect her to help round the houe which she is perfectly capable of doing. We do help her out with money sometimes but don't give her much.
DD3 is 17 and still at college. She still has a monthly allowence from us but is loking for a part time job.

[anastaisia]

I'm 26 and live back in my mum's (didn't from 18-21 but moved back in when my nan was very ill to be an extra person around). I don't expect her to provide for me, but none of us see the point (my brother is younger and lives there too) in spending money on separate homes when we get along perfectly well in one. But then my grandparents lived with us when we were younger until they died, so we've always seen different generations of the family living together as something normal to us.

Think really the fact these young adults live at home is irrelevent - its the way they've been brought up and their expectations that are the problems not where they live.

[OrmIrian]

Of course it is the parents' fault. How could it not be. Some very important lessons that haven't been taught by those who should do the teaching. But I'm afraid I can see how easily it happens if children don't have the initial spark of independence.

[mumblechum]

If the money isn't available, of course you shouldn't be expected to help out.

[mumeeee]

Mumblechum. DD1 22 got maried in March. Her and her DH rent a flat which they pay for themselves. We certainly don't have the money to buy them a house and they would not even think of asking us.

[PrammyMammy]

I didn't have my ds until after studying. I haven't returned to studying since having him except a part time childcare course one morning per week while he is in the nursery. I work PT and my DP works full time. He is a good dad and partner indeed but i never relied on him while i studied. I worked freelance and had a pt job and paid my own way. Also ds wouldn't be here without him so yes without him things would be very different.
I didn't know we were comparing apples, it was your generalization of the 'yoof of today'. You tarred us all with the same brush in your comment and didn't mention having a baby being any different.

[AppleandMosesMummy]

Prammy I would imagine you a) had rather a lot of help as you had a young baby, various grants/tax credits are available or b) you had a reliable DP without whom it would have been a different story.
And as you had a baby your expectations/priorities would have been completely different anyway.
Not comparing Apples with Apples really.

[Morloth]

My younger brother moves in and out of home and my mother likes to complain about it. But I think she rather likes it. He was her surprise baby and was still really little when my dad died. He is also gay and quite, um stereotypically so (as in adores his mother). So they are very very close and neither is actually unhappy with the situation. Which I think is the important variable. If everyone is happy then what does it matter?

I moved out when I was 18 and ready to get started on my own life. I haven't needed to move home since then but I know that if I need to the door would be open. My older sisters have dipped in and out over the years. If my mum ever needs to live with me all she needs to do is ask. Same for my PIL my SIL still lives at home and she is 27.

[kathyis6incheshigh]

I only saw the first 20 mins (before turning over for a nice bit of stiff upper lip action on Casualty 1909) but what shocked me was how they thought it was not only socially acceptable, but also somehow cool, to exploit their parents.
I'm sure these are an exceptionally twattish set of people and not representative of the Yoof of Today but even so, I wonder if that generation in general sees it as more acceptable than ours would have done?

I blame them and the parents. You can have parents who spoil you rotten but still end up a decent and independent individual.

[lljkk]

I don't see how you can blame the parents. Maybe they were bad parents, but their offspring are adults now. You can't blame your parents for everything forever.

[katiestar]

'For example, the 24 yr old bloke who just said that his mother pays his mortgage

stupid, stupid parents'

I don't think that's stupid at all.A sensible tax efficient way of passing your wealth on to your DC

[KingRolo]

There were a few comments of the 'my dad would nut him' and 'my dad wouldn't employ you' variety weren't there. Cringe making TV.

I do blame the parents. Part of the job is to make sure your child is fully equiped to participate in the adult world isn't it? Not teaching a 23 year old how to turn a cooker on and heat beans is pretty appalling.

[arolf]

yes, the 'confrontations' were a bit pointless really.

Although seeing one of the blonde girls in tears as she had never before appreciated her mother was rather sweet. about bloody time too I'd imagine.

[independiente]

Dogan was unutterably awful. It was very telling that his mother was covering her face in shame when shown the footage of him being vile and ignorant towards the hotel manager.... yet, when she 'confronted' him she said he was '100 per cent right' to do what he did?! A clear case of a parent that has literally spoiled her child, and is now terrified of him. Very sad.

[arolf]

shonaspurtle - that's exactly what my sister keeps whining about!
she's just graduated, didn't do nearly as well as expected, and has decided to sign on instead of just getting a sodding job. She keeps on about how unfair life is, because she sees me living in a house (rented, but still a proper house) with my fiance, expecting a baby, just bought a car, not doing too badly financially - even though I am a) 5 years older than her, and b) I worked bloody hard to get where I am now! and am still working bloody hard (well, when not on MN) to stay this way.

She found a possible job she could do, but didn't bother applying as the salary was only £12000 a year, so not worth doing (according to her), as she would not be able to afford a car and holidays on that.

It's about managing expectations, as well as having a little bit of pride in yourself - neither of which she is doing yet.

I just want to slap her! (oh, and I had part-time (crappy) jobs from when I was 16, all the way though uni, even whilst doing my PhD - she has had a couple of saturday jobs, both of which we were repeatedly told were 'hard work' and 'you have no idea'. 1 day a week FFS)

[mamadiva]

I was totally entranced by the total naivity and blatant brattery going on amongst a bunch of adults!

I am 22 so younger than some of the people on that show and was gobsmacked by some of the comments and behaviour, I had my son at 19 and have lived on my own since I was 16 I dread to think how these 'adults' would get on in the normal world.

They will all grow up at some point realise all the years they have wasted and then what'll happen they will be lost in the big bad world and yes it is all down to the parents.

[shonaspurtle]

I worked in a shop for a number of years after graduating. There were always a couple of recent graduates working there and still living at home. They always moaned about the pay and how they'd never be able to afford to leave home at this rate.

Yep. On a shop assistant's wage you couldn't afford to leave home and move into a flat with a mortgage, run a car, go out every night and go on holiday.

But you could afford to live in a flat share, take public transport, live on a budget and learn about making do with what you've got as myself and most of my colleagues were doing .

[arolf]

I watched that show in horrified fascination last night - some of the 'youngsters' are only 2 years younger than me, yet I have never seen a less competent collection of wasters before (I don't watch Big Brother though, so maybe these kids are comparable with BB folk?).

On one hand, of course their parents are at fault - one of the fathers said he and his daughter were more like best friends than parent/child, except that he did everything for her, and took her shopping whenever she felt like it etc. None of the parents seemed to accept that they were at fault though!

On the other hand, those kids were HORRIBLE (well, mostly - a couple of the boys were ok, just a bit spoilt). What an ungrateful bunch! I would have been so ashamed of myself if I had been sacked from 23 jobs, some after as little as 6 hours (actually, would have been ashamed to be sacked from even 1 job if it was because of my attitude problem). My other half and I spent the whole program wanting to wallop Dina and Dogan, who seem to be the worst of the bunch - but in both cases, it was their parents who had caused the problems!

I'm not sure if I want to see it next week!

[mumblechum]

MI yes, but I personally would rather chuck £x at ds to buy himself a house (which he can make as squalid as he likes) than give it to the Chancellor on top of all the other tax he gets.

[Mybox]

Wonder if these big kids will look after their parents in old age?

[motherinferior]

I thought the whole point of being a unversity graduate in your early 20s is that you live in self-financed squalor and generally find your feet in the world.

[mumblechum]

Hmm, I can see both sides. I definitely can't see ds coming back to live with us when he finishes Uni as he does need to be doing his own cooking, washing etc BUT we'll almost certainly buy him a small house or a flat when he graduates because it makes economic sense for us to do that (otherwise he will get hammered for inheritance tax when we pop our clogs).

I left home at 21 and bought my own house at that time but that was in the 80s when it wasn't difficult to do.

[mumof2222222222222222boys]

I tend to agree with you.

I know a lovely but extremely dizzy thritysomething woman, who has had a chequered career - wanted to be an actress but didn't make the big time. She has played at doing a couple of other things, but has never had to make it work.

she has very comfortably off parents who pay her a significant monthly allowance, pay all car bills...and as a result she has never learnt to stand on her own two feet. I think it is too late now - she is completely dependent on her parents and their financial support.

[famishedass]

Sorry but YABU - I have always been puzzled by the attitude of some adults who seem to want to tell other adults what they can and can't do/spend their money on.

On the other hand, a mummys boy or girl is hardly a quality prospective life partner so in a sense they have failed as parents if they haven't taught their children how to live independantly.