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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking FIL should have gone into the other room?

38 replies

LissyGlitter · 16/07/2009 14:01

We are currently staying at ILs while we get our new house sorted (should be moving out tomorrow) They have been lovely, if a little OTT. Anyway, today I had a home visit from the midwife (I'm 21 weeks pg). All through the appointment FIL sat in the same room, interrupting me and the midwife talking by making DD tell the midwife things (eg "tell the nice lady your name" when we had established who was who and the midwife had said hi to DD and was in the middle of what looked like a complex bit of paperwork) and volunteering irrelavant bits of information.
Even when the midwife got onto questions about my mental health (which I have had problems with in the past so it was quite likely I would have appreciated some privacy) and the details of the birth, he just sat there, not even pretending to read the paper or anything. AIBU to think he should have at least offered to leave the room, or found something urgent to do with his car or something? I kept trying to catch DPs eye to get him to hint to his dad, and I did say "shall we go into the bedroom or something?" but everyone just ignored me. I felt like some kind of medical exhibit!

OP posts:
mumof2222222222222222boys · 16/07/2009 14:06

sounds ghastly. I would have said, "Excuse me all, I am quite sure you don't want to listen to all this and I would appreciate a bit of privacy.

My FIL would rather have died than sit through a MW appointment.

sleeplessinstretford · 16/07/2009 14:07

how fucking unprofessional of the midwife...

Upwind · 16/07/2009 14:08

If you wanted privacy, why not ask for some?

Miamla · 16/07/2009 14:09

if i were you i would have insisted going into a different room. at the end of the day, its his house and perhaps he was assuming if you had a problem with having the appointment in front of him that you would have moved to a different room.
And it sounds like he was trying to involve your DD
so sorry, yabu

posieparkerinChina · 16/07/2009 14:09

I would have postponed the appointment or gone to her office. It's all rather weird.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 16/07/2009 14:10

I was going to say surely the midwife should have asked to go to another room

Fruitysunshine · 16/07/2009 14:11

I would have taken her to my temporary bedroom at my inlaws and had my appointment there.

GColdtimer · 16/07/2009 14:11

It is a bit strange but why didn't you go into another room?

ruddynorah · 16/07/2009 14:11

oh dear. you had another thread about your PILs didn't you?

you need to stand up for yourself.

and your midwife should have been more perceptive and asked if there was somewhere private you could go ie away from FIL.

Bathsheba · 16/07/2009 14:12

Why didn't you and the midwife go to another room...??

And I've never had a community midwife doing a home visit before the birth - can you just arragne to go to the surgery/clinic next time...

mummypig · 16/07/2009 14:13

yanbu. And even before you made your comment, the midwife should have offered to do it all in private. Even if she wrongly assumed that you were comfortable with the whole thing she should have made sure you had the option to remove everyone else, especially for the medical history.

Good thing you are moving out soon, but please make sure your dp knows you are unhappy about the situation otherwise they will continue to display a lack of respect for any privacy.

For example, I had all the inlaws in our house within hours of ds2 being born (at home), expecting to not only see the new baby but to be fed and watered, with no acknowledgement of what I'd just gone through at 6am that morning and what I might feel like. And one of them even came into my bedroom while I was trying to breastfeed ds2, to access the internet ffs. (We were also in the process of moving, and dp and i were sleeping downstairs.)

LIZS · 16/07/2009 14:15

It sounds as if you chose to have an audience, why did dp and dd need to be there too, so you can't really expect fil to just go if he felt you were ok with him being there. I'd have removed myself and midwife to another room but it sounds as if you don't feel able to be that assertive.

Original poster
LissyGlitter · 16/07/2009 14:16

She said she had to see me at home in order to check the house was suitable for a baby, even though I did tell her it wasn't where the baby will be living.

I'm out of here tomorrow anyway, I don't want to seem rude to them after all they have done for us.

OP posts:
belgo · 16/07/2009 14:18

YABU.

If you didn't object, then the midwife would have thought that you had no problem with your fil being there.

You should have stood up for yourself rather then complaining about it after wards.

rubyslippers · 16/07/2009 14:19

MWS check your house? Really

TBH, i think everyone is at fault

your PIL sound thoughtless

your MW is unprofessional in the extreme

you should have asked MW to do the interview elsewhere

mrsjammi · 16/07/2009 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LissyGlitter · 16/07/2009 14:22

LIZS-well, it is DPs baby, and he needs to know about the plan for the birth as he will be there. DD just happened to be there, she is only 2 so it's not as if she understood what we were talking about. However, I really don't think my mental health of the suitability of my vagina for a natural birth is any of my FILs business.

OP posts:
Miamla · 16/07/2009 14:23

i had a home check when i was 10weeks pg despite them knowing we were moving before baby arrived

rubyslippers · 16/07/2009 14:24

wow - had never heard of that ...

pointydog · 16/07/2009 14:26

YABU. You should have asked him to go into another room or you should have said to mw 'let's go to the xxxroom for a bit more privacy'

ProfYaffle · 16/07/2009 14:28

They check if your house is suitable for a baby???? wtf?? What if they decide it's not? Forced adoption??

LIZS · 16/07/2009 14:28

At 21 weeks there is plenty of opportunity to talk birth at a later stage. dh certainly didn't attend all my a-n appointments with either child. If you felt uncomfortable you should have said so. Everyone assumed you were ok with them there because you didn't say otherwie.

LadyGlencoraSnape · 16/07/2009 14:31

You are being completely unreasonable for not asking your FIL to leave the room. Why didn't you?

fourkids · 16/07/2009 14:31

They check here too. To be fair they do laugh about it, but it's a requirement, certainly in our PCT.

maybe your FIL thought you were BU taking over his living room for your ante natal check?!

Mamazon · 16/07/2009 14:33

its his house.

its not like you needed intimate examination. if you felt uncomfortable talking about it in front of him then YOU should have said so and moved to another room.

honestly i really don't understand why talking about giving birth would be deemed taboo. its not like your FIl thinks the stork brought your DH

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