to have no interest in teaching my DS to self settle?

[lowrib]

DP and MIL keep suggesting that it's time to let DS learn to self-settle. DS is 6 months.

I hadn't even considered this as a possibility, and I surprised myself by actually getting quite upset by the suggestion, in fact it has been our first serious disagreement about child rearing.

DS sleeps in a cot by our bed, usually coming into the bed after feeding in the night. I have always fed him to sleep so far, it works and he is usually a good sleeper. We started weaning recently, and I assumed we'd gradually drop milk feeds until just the night time one was left, and carry on with that until we stopped feeding altogether - when that will be I have no idea yet, but maybe in a year? I assumed that by then feeding would be only one part of the night time routine, and he'd (hopefully) slip into going to bed without feeding.

I don't understand the obsession with self-settling. I LIKE feeding my DS to sleep. It works, and he goes to sleep content.
DP says we should do it so he can learn to self-settle, but is there any need while he's so young, and still BF? I really don't get it.

When did you expect your DCs to self settle?

AIBU?

(DP and MIL are both lovely BTW, this isn't meant to be a DP or MIL bashing thread!)

I nursed dd to sleep until she was 12 mo. From about 9 mo she would sometimes be a bit awake still and then doze off. When weaned, she just settled easily. I suppose there might be problems and if there are you will just have to deal with those when the time comes.

Dd never settled for naps though - I spent a fortune on petrol driving around to get her off for a nap...

I liked nursing her to sleep - if you like to do it then just keep diong it until you start to feel the need to change. For me, that time came at 12 mo.

Mine started settling down around 18 months but it was really when they were both around 3-3.5 that they really self-settled. But it was an easy transition for me to just accept that it would happen when it happened - and no stress or crying. Bedtime routines were always a big thing, but actually settling by themselves (without someone being there) did take a few years. But they have never been upset in the evenings and are always in bed by 7. It's really been stress-free compared to how it could have been. It just depends what you are prepared to put up with!

Am I the only one who thinks that what happens in your bed is of relevance to DP too? If this was just MIL, I would agree it is just up to you, but I would expect my DH to have some input over our shared sleeping arrangements. Is it that the co-sleeping you have going on is not working for him, maybe?

But I am not here to advocate for controlled crying or anything else to try to get your baby to do anything. My DS is just over 4 months and really struggled to sleep at all, day or night, from 6-13 weeks. Then we realised that he would happily settle himself to sleep at night in his cot once he had his feed - we just had to give him the opportunity, and for us that didn't involve letting him cry - if he wakes up and cries, we will always go to comfort him.

Then a couple of weeks later, he started to be able to self-settle for his daytime naps. Up to then, he had never done more than 30mins at a time. Now he naps every 90mins-2hours, with usually a longer one around lunchtime. But these are evolving. He usually wakes and cries half way through his lunchtime naps and needs our help to get off to sleep again.

I see it as giving him the opportunity and help for him to do what he needs to do, and bearing in mind that sometimes he surprises us by being able to do things (like self-settle) that we didn't realise he could, and still wouldn't if we hadn't put him down in his cot awake and left him for a little bit.

For us, with daytime naps, the key has been to look out really carefully for his sleepy signs - you'll know what those are for your little one - and take him up to his bedroom, shut the curtains and put him in his cot. Often that's all he needs. Sometimes he will cry a few minutes later, so I give him a cuddle, jiggle, pat on the back, tuck in, whatever it takes to soothe him so that he can drop off.

Just so you don't think I think I have all the answers - I have no idea how to get him to take daytime naps outside his cot .

HTH

Sorry, meant to say that his daytime naps are usually around 50mins long, just in case anybody was thinking my DS sleeps all day!

I don't think YABU, but would also tell you that my 2.2 year old's bed is still next to our bed! I have no idea what the plan is with regards to teaching her to self settle now!! And dc2 is due in December.

only read OP (sorry!. MN sin no' 363)

i'd let your ds learn on his own.

my ds at 14mo climbed into bed and went to sleep. i only knew this when i got off mn to go and put him to bed.

for weeks he would happily go off to bed and play and then go to sleep. until we went on holiday and it set him back, now we're back to patting to sleep.

moral of my story? when they learn to self settle never go anywhere overnight ever, ever again

Never did it lowrib. I did try with DS#1 because 'well-meaning' people kept telling my I should . But it failed and I never did it again.

They got to it on their own around 18m and slept through completely around 3yrs.

I think the definition of self-settling is a bit vague anyway. I've always aimed for DS to self-settle but at night always got him as close to sleep as possible when feeding him before putting him in his cot. I did always rouse him a bit when putting him down because otherwise he tended to wake up crying a bit later not knowing where I was.

At 6 months he was very close to sleep at the end of his evening feed but could be happily put down awake for daytime naps (albeit with a dummy). By 8 months he would be fully awake but tired after the evening feed because he was just that much more aware by then.

I wouldn't worry about it to be honest, it will probably happen naturally (and I say this as someone who has followed Gina Ford timings for naps and feeds all along). Incidentally, GF says that sucking just before nightime sleep is important for babies - so even a method perceived as strict advocates feeding a baby practically to sleep.

I also found the Elizabeth Pantley (No Cry Sleep Solution) thinking on this quite interesting - basically as long as they're not fully asleep every time you put them in the cot it is unlikely that a long term 'difficult' situation will develop.

I agree with you that feeding and cuddling your baby to sleep is lovely and you should enjoy it. I did this with dd though not with ds who came along two years later. He was left to self settle from a very early age as didn't want dd to feel her nose was being pushed out - he didn't know any better iyswim. He would usually doze off after a short grizzle while I was settling dd. As a result he has always been and still is a much better sleeper than dd (imo). I'm a great believer in doing whatever makes your life easier with regard to settling children at night which is what I did in both cases for my two. I think the root of dp and mil's obsession with self settling may be the fact that with your routine only you can do it. I know this was a big problem for my mil (it's also the reason she was quite discouraging about breast feeding) she would have liked to cuddle them to sleep, but they always wanted me. It didn't bother me as I never wanted to leave my babies with anyone when they were little and if we did go out I would make sure they were asleep first. Dh used to say he felt pretty useless when they were tiny as they always needed me - not really a complaint as it quite suited him not to have to get up in the night. I suppose what I'm trying to say is we were both happy with the arrangement. He often says to friends who are becoming parents that he enjoys being a dad much more now the children are older as he can do so much more with them and they aren't so mummy-orientated.

Thank you for starting this thread. Now someone tell me what to do when they are Just Not Tired in the evenings I am really glad to hear atually that they generally will self-settle when they are ready and that being ready isn't in about 10 years time!

I know they mean well, but I am fed up of people reacting to any mention of me staying even vaguely near DS as he falls asleep with suggestions "to help him learn to self-settle". I don't mind! I'm pretty sure I won't be breastfeeding him to sleep when he is 18!

We started putting my son down for a sleep around 4 months and letting him gurgle and sing to himself and he soon learnt to amuse himself until he dropped off - he's now 2.5 and a really good sleeper. Sometimes it takes him an hour of singing and going through his favourite books in his head but he goes to sleep in the end.

I was determined to do this as a friend got herself in a rut (in my opinion!) wrapping her daughter in a blanket and cuddling her to sleep every time, even if she just woke up again in the night several times, and did that for 18 months which I found ludicrous and a real pain in the bum and made sure we never got to that stage.

DS hasn't suffered and we still have cuddles and plenty of snuggle time in the evening, but he sleeps absolutely fine (11 hours most night without waking)

We also never wanted to get into the habit of him coming into our bed at night except when he was ill or something, as I think that is a downward spiral for a marriage! Just my opinion though.

I am firmly of the opinion that you should only change things once you are fed up with them.

We are surrounded by people/books/tv telling us to instill good habits early or we're all doomed. I was convinced DS1 would be sleeping in our bed until he was 17 unless I did something about it.

If you are happy with the status quo, then carry on. With DS2 I held him every night and he slept in our bed until he was a couple of months old. Then I decided I was a bit bored of that and we needed our evenings back so he slowly got used to settling in a cot. Now, like you, he comes into our bed after his 4/5am feed and I'm quite happy with this. Much better than spending sleepless hours hunched over his cot trying to get him to settle back down.

Before you know it they won't want to sit on your knee anymore and you'll be glad of this lovely lovely time with your baby.

I agree with fruitstick, but in my experience, there is absolutely no way in this world my dd will all of a sudden decide to self settle. Why would she when she has my undivided attention while she falls asleep, which can take up to 1.5 hours.

I hate to be the voice of doom, and I do think that you should do whatever you want to do, but just assuming that one day your dc will decide to go to sleep by themselves is slightly naive.

I realise that I sound like the voice of doom here. I don't mean to be!!

Although I do appreciate that she probably won't want me to sit with her while she falls asleep when she is 16.

pink jenny, I'm not saying they will decide to do it for themselves, far from it.

I'm just saying that the time to deal with it is when it bothers you, not when it doesn't just in case it will one day.

Fruitstick, er, I agreed with you.

DD 2yo still needs me for a cuddle while she falls asleep. This is not a big deal to me. Why on earth would it?
YANBU

sorry pink jenny, I'm not reading things properly today

Our DD self settled quite early on. She was BF until 12months but she always went into her cot/hammock awake and went off to sleep tummy full and well cuddled. I just thought this was what you did. DD is a finger sucker and I think if I'd BF her to sleep every night I'd have been going to bed with her for the night at 7.30.

You just have to go with what you think is right for you and yours.
I'm not a big one for routines. But now DD is 2years old a life long routine I will insist on is teeth brushing before bed and that always comes after her bedtime milk and you have to self settle or at least settle without feeding if you're going to bed minty fresh . Just thought I'd throw that one in.

I agree with Helen, I don't disagree with your approach but your DP has a right to his opinion too. Talk to him about it, find out whether he actually has a problem with the arrangements right now or whether he is just worried you're storing up problems for the future. If the latter, you can cite the experiences of various mumsnetters as proof that your approach is the right one.

FWIW, my ds self-settled from birth to 18 months. Now, aged 3.4, he needs endless back-patting to get to sleep.

Sounds like you're happy, he's happy, so I don't see the need to rush - he's only 6 months! Maybe start to think about the self-settling idea again between a year and 18 months. Relax and enjoy this time in his life and develoment; independence will come.

I just went with what worked for everyone, that does include DH though so you might want to have a talk with him (without your MIL present) about what he really means by self settling and if he is unhappy with the baby still in your room. Compromises can be reached that suit everyone.

Pinkjenny - didn't mean to ignore you. I think your fears may well be founded - that was certainly my experience (see earlier post). Just to reiterate - I think dp and mil's obsession with self-settling is that current arrangement makes them feel left out. As I undertood your post, they don't object to the cot in the bedroom, just the feeding to sleep.