to have no interest in teaching my DS to self settle?

[lowrib]

DP and MIL keep suggesting that it's time to let DS learn to self-settle. DS is 6 months.

I hadn't even considered this as a possibility, and I surprised myself by actually getting quite upset by the suggestion, in fact it has been our first serious disagreement about child rearing.

DS sleeps in a cot by our bed, usually coming into the bed after feeding in the night. I have always fed him to sleep so far, it works and he is usually a good sleeper. We started weaning recently, and I assumed we'd gradually drop milk feeds until just the night time one was left, and carry on with that until we stopped feeding altogether - when that will be I have no idea yet, but maybe in a year? I assumed that by then feeding would be only one part of the night time routine, and he'd (hopefully) slip into going to bed without feeding.

I don't understand the obsession with self-settling. I LIKE feeding my DS to sleep. It works, and he goes to sleep content.
DP says we should do it so he can learn to self-settle, but is there any need while he's so young, and still BF? I really don't get it.

When did you expect your DCs to self settle?

AIBU?

(DP and MIL are both lovely BTW, this isn't meant to be a DP or MIL bashing thread!)

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

my ds is 3 (just) and i still lie down with him in his bed. we read a story, have a cuddle, talk about our day, say night night i love you, then he holds my hair/cheek/hand/whatever bit of me is nearest, and goes to sleep.

It is a wonderful precious thing to listen to his breathing and watch my lovely little one relax into a contented sleep. Sometimes i just lie there for a few minutes after he is asleep, looking at his amazing eyelashes and gorgeous skin and think how much i love him. And how i will try to be a more patient, less shouty mummy tomorrow

i have no qualms about this. when he doesn't want me to lie with him, he will let me know. and then that time will be gone but i will have memories of that little hand curled round my hair forever.

enjoy being with your precious one for as long as it suits you. everyone else can bog off. its hard being a mummy, we all need special moments to make it easier.

[poppy34]

Reading this and wondered how those with more than one manage bedtime routine?

[missfitt]

no self settling here. dd1 gets a quick breastfeed and pops off. she sometimes goes to her room to read sometimes stays in my bed and chunters away about her day to me while DD2 (9 mos) feeds to sleep.

Always fed dd1 to sleep. She chose to go sleep in her own bed at 2.10 yo. DD2, I expect will decide one day to go too.

daytime naps: in the car to and from errands or fed to sleep in bed. It suits us as I can't be arsed with crying (mine or theirs).

I never have never yet had an overtired, tantrummy babies or toddler. When we are out and they are v tired they just snuggle in and either fall asleep or get their second wind and they 'catch up' on their sleep an hr or 2 later. I (smugly) put it down to never leaving them somewhere to cry as long as I can stop what I am doing and attend to them.

[Noonki]

I thought that too poppy - I taught them both to self-settle from day one pretty much.

By that I mean that I would sometimes but them awake in their cots and let them drift off on their own.

I suffer from really bad insommnia and wanted to avoid that in my DCs also meant they slept throught the night fromn a few weeks which for an insomniac is a big deal.

Do what is best for your family (but that means DH and you and if you are planning anymore them too!)

[MamaHobgoblin]

I've made enough rods to recarpet the staircase!

DS is fed to sleep unless it's a daytime nap and he's dropped off in the car. It doesn't remotely bother me. Sometimes he doesn't drop off after his bedtime bf, and I'll put him down - half the time he does self-settle very quickly, and the rest of the time I go back in and cuddle. Doesn't consitute a problem, and I'm not worried that he doesn't have getting to sleep 'cracked' - he will, one day. I can't be doing with letting him cry for more than 2 or 3 minutes - always seemed unnatural to me.

[MamaHobgoblin]

conSTITute

[oneopinionatedmother]

mine both self-settled from birth, though not always I'll grant. It makes it easier once you have more than one.

but really, if you're happy with what you're doing, why change it?

YANBU - if you want to continue as it is.

[AgentCodyBanks]

Ha

wait til you have another oen and are dying of sleep deprivation

there is someon on here who did that and went slowly mad

[pranma]

Its no ones business but yours op-you do what you and your baby are happy with.Both my dgs's were in own rooms from 3months and self settled after bedtime feed in that they were put down in cot when fed,winded etc.Neither fussed according to dd and certainly now,if I baby sit dgs2 just goes to sleep with lullabies playing-no crying.If they had been less happy I am sure they would have been comforted.Dgs1 is 2.9 now and very happy to settle himself after bath,stories etc.Neither has ever coslept as a norm except when very tiny and breastfeeding several times in night.

[stainesmassif]

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney - you brought a tear to my eye! i spend half my time worrying that i've got rods all over my back, and the other half looking at his face whilst he's sleeping in our marital bed and thinking.......wow!

AgentCodyBanks - really? now why would you say that? you have scared the sleep deprived life out of me.

[barnsleybelle]

Ditto for me, both self settled from birth. FWIW too, both mine were in the moses basket inside the cot from day one. Monitor on in our room.
YANBU to want to parent your own way at all. You do what feels right.

[scaredoflove]

as a mother who's babies are nearly all grown up, I have a question

If you cuddle/feed to sleep, does that mean you don't ever go out in the night time?? And how do you do that with more than one child?

I'm thinking back, I had 4 under 5. Bedtime started at 6pm and finished around 7pm (bath, hairdry, teeth and stories) Always had stories in the older two's room, littler ones joined us. Then all into beds/cots, kiss and I love you and job was done. I can't imagine cuddling each one off to sleep or how long that would take

[MeAndMyMonkey]

I had the opposite problem - dd would NOt sleep when breastfeeding/co-sleeping, she was awake all night on and off and so was I, it was horrendous.
In her own bedroom at 6 months - insta-sleep and neither of us have ever looked back. Slept through the night - properly - from 8 til 8 pretty much, from that moment on... is 2.8 now.
I couldn't cope with sleep deprivation and frankly nor could she - it was shite.
But if it ain't broke don't fix it.

[MamaHobgoblin]

Scaredoflove - I go out! Not a huge amount, but that's more because I never used to go out a huge amount before DS. If I need to leave before bedtime, DH gives DS a bottle, and cuddles if necessary. He's fine. If we both go out, we just put him to bed as usual and leave my mother in charge. He's never woken up on her, but she's fine with cuddling him if he does.

No idea how it works with more than one, however...

[cbellesmum]

my lo learnt to self settle whilst in scbu and was always been put into her cot awake when we brought her home, so i guess she learnt to go to sleep by herself- she is one of the calmest children i know now.
a fantastic sleeper 7pm - 6am (bit early i know for some poeple but this works for us as we are all early risers) she is 5.10.

I couldnt cope with a child still running around at 8-9 at night but that is just me we all do stuff differently.

if she did fall asleep on a feed i always gently woke to make sure she didnt use this as a way of falling asleep.

[neenztwinz]

YANBU - raise your child how you want.

But it is easier if your DCs can self-settle.

I love the fact that my DTs self-settle. They are 14mo and sleep 7pm-8am and two hours at lunch. It gives me the down-time I need to cope with looking after them the rest of the time .

My SIL has always cuddled/fed her DS to sleep and never left him to cry ever. He is 13mo and she still gets up to him two or three times every night - and goes to work four days a week . She is tired!

Your DH/MIL only have your best interests at heart, but you have your DC's best interests at heart (as you see it). So just do what you think is best, but don't think of self-settling as the work of the devil. It can be a good thing!

[Karam]

TBH, I couldn't imagine doing it myself, but then both my babies self soothed from birth (as in I always put them down to sleep awake in the moses basket and let them drift off by themselves, happily) and they slept through the night (although late bedtimes) from 8 weeks. I couldn't imagine having to stay with a baby at six months - and I have never done the controlled crying thing either... But if you're happy doing that, then its none of my business and YANBU!

[ElusiveMoose]

Sorry, haven't had time to read the thread. I just wanted to say that I came under loads of pressure from family to leave DS to cry himself to sleep, but I was never happy to do so. He learned to self-settle (with a dummy) at around 8 or 9 months. He still has a dummy to get him to sleep, which I guess I'll need to wean him off at some point, but he's a brilliant sleeper and settler (now 22 months). I just plonk him in his cot and he gets on with it (except if he's really unwell, when I sit with him). Most of his little friends were forcibly left to self-settle at some point but still have struggles with sleep and settling. I'm not saying my way was right, because obviously a lot of it is down to luck, but I just don't think it's worth forcing DC to self-settle if you don't want to, because it might not work anyway.

[LackaDAISYcal]

Not unreasonable at all.....your baby your rules and all that

however, I think it all depends on the type of baby that you have. My older two were sleeping through (11-7) from before three months so I was more than happy with feeding them to sleep as I then got a substantial chunk of sleep myself.

My DS2 on the other hand had been feeding back to sleep after every light sleeping phase so I was being woken up by him every 45 minutes. I've had to move him out of the bedroom and he has settled now to waking and wanting to be fed around three times a night. But, he's 8.5 months and I have officially Had Enough of the lack of sleep and am desperate to get him self settling. Had he been as good a sleeper as the other two my views would be very different.

And in answer to your question, I suppose I (unrealistically) expected DS2 to be sleeping all night like the other two from three months!!

[PuzzleRocks]

I still settle DD1 at 2.2 yrs. Neither DH nor I have any interest in making her settle by herself yet. It has not proved to be a problem having two as my husband has the baby and it only takes me 5/10 minutes to get her sister of to sleep. If DD1 still wants one of us to cuddle her to sleep when her sister is older and they share a bedtime then DH and I can take one each.
Once they are asleep they generally stay so until morning (apart from 4am feed for 3 month old) so going out is not a problem.
We co-sleep with DD2 and plan to do so for a while yet sleep. To MrsSpringsteens husband, a bed is not the only place to have sex. Co-sleeping means we have to be a little more adventurous which has only helped our relationship.

[littleducks]

I must admit i agree with Agent Cody on this

i felt the same as you with dd, then ds came along when she was 20 months

bedtime was hell in the beginning,i was up i the night with a newborn and a 2yr old repeatedly, i (gently no ccing or anything) encouraged ds to self settle from day one and dd from as soon as she got over the new sibling jealousy

i would have gone totally insane otherwise (i was close to it)

my kids arent perfect at sleeping but i have a much better idea with ds in regard to naps etc than dd at that age