to have no interest in teaching my DS to self settle?

[lowrib]

DP and MIL keep suggesting that it's time to let DS learn to self-settle. DS is 6 months.

I hadn't even considered this as a possibility, and I surprised myself by actually getting quite upset by the suggestion, in fact it has been our first serious disagreement about child rearing.

DS sleeps in a cot by our bed, usually coming into the bed after feeding in the night. I have always fed him to sleep so far, it works and he is usually a good sleeper. We started weaning recently, and I assumed we'd gradually drop milk feeds until just the night time one was left, and carry on with that until we stopped feeding altogether - when that will be I have no idea yet, but maybe in a year? I assumed that by then feeding would be only one part of the night time routine, and he'd (hopefully) slip into going to bed without feeding.

I don't understand the obsession with self-settling. I LIKE feeding my DS to sleep. It works, and he goes to sleep content.
DP says we should do it so he can learn to self-settle, but is there any need while he's so young, and still BF? I really don't get it.

When did you expect your DCs to self settle?

AIBU?

(DP and MIL are both lovely BTW, this isn't meant to be a DP or MIL bashing thread!)

[screamingabdab]

I taught mine to self-settle really early and it suited me and DH to have a routine.

I agree that you need to do what suits both of you, and that, as fruitstick suggests, you will be able to change things if/when you are fed up with them.

Just be aware that it may be harder when they are older.

[katiestar]

Firstly I would agree with the fact that it doesn't get any easier - in fact it gets harder as they get older

Secondly -many people are saying do what you want , its no-one elses business etc.But surely your DH should have an equal say.What happens if you cannot be there to put him to bed and your DH has to do it if He associates you with sleep ?

[dribblychops]

This will sound quite controversial but maybe those people feeding, cuddling to sleep etc are doing it to satisfy their own needs?
I think teaching a child to sleep independently is an important lesson - imagine waking up and not knowing how to get back to sleep because that's what it's like for them. Frightening and frustrating I should imagine. So it does annoy me when people (unintentionally I realise)cuddle and rock their babies to sleep then suddenly decide one day, actually I'm fed up with this and then decide to use CIO to solve the situation.
Personally,I think you should start as you mean to go on and consistently follow a method you are prepared to do until your child takes the lead to change things. If you want to co sleep then fine but only if you're going to keep on doing it.
For us it was teaching DD to self settle (and we didn't let her CIO) because we get a full night of sleep every night and peaceful evenings for movies and TTC no. 2!!

[ExpositionDesMains]

I have a rod in my back. It's brilliant. I can whip it out and smack teens on the bottom for having Ridiculously Baggy Trousers. Very useful.

I come from the school of thought that you can't 'teach' a child to self-settle. You can guide and support but I think you can no more force a child to self settle than you can force them to walk.

DD's 26 months. She can and does self settle. She can and does feed to sleep. It's up to her. I've never pushed it and she's found the way all on her own.

[Grendle]

The term "self settle" is one that has been hijacked/adapted from attachment theory by well-meaning people who write books about training babies to sleep. The original context, is that the theory says that by infants having their needs promptly met (i.e. not left to cry etc) they learn eventually how to meet their own needs. It absolutely does not mean leaving a baby to "grumble" or whatever other term you choose to call the noises a baby makes when it wants attention.

Personally I think YANBU and it's normal for babies and young children to need help getting off to sleep. The age at which they learn to do this completely independently varies.

I'd suggest reading this or this .

[chegirl]

I think parents should do what they feel is best for their child.

I have always put my children to sleep in their cots whilst they are awake, said nite nite and left them to sleep.

I didnt know it had a name, I just thought it was putting them to bed .

My sister's children have always fallen asleep on her lap. This suits her.

I think I did it my way because I had to go back to work when DD was v.young (6mths). I had a pretty rigid routine whilst sis hasnt worked and they live a much more outdoorsy, spontanious(sp) lifestyle .

Its nice holding a baby to sleep isnt it? Sometimes its the only peaceful time in the day.

I know quite a lot about attachment theory (not through choice) and I do not think for one milisecond that my children have been damaged by self settling (as I now know it is called). Even DS2 who has attachement problems seems absolutely content with the arrangement.

But back to OP YANBU. Do what you feel is right. They are only little for such a short time.

[lowrib]

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought.

Grendle I have both those books! Haven't actually found time to read them yet though

[MrsSpringsteen]

grendle there is an awful lot of literature available to support each side of this debate

i am lucky in that my dcs generally have a good secure attachment to me and dp

they know that a cot and a closed door does not mean we are gone

same goes for pre school etc

[oohLahLahRaver]

Chegirl.. I hadn't heard of 'self settle' until this thread.

With my DS he is still b/f at night, this takes place in my bed because well theres more room, I dont see it as cuddling him to sleep or trying to get him off, just he feeds and usually falls asleep quite often after just a few sucks sometimes after 5/10 mins. Other times he will still be awake. But equally if he is still awake he will happily go off into his own bed and will 'self settle' and is also happy yo be put to bed by other people.

I think the assumption always is, especially from older people, that if you have you dc's in bed with you, feed them, cuddle them, in fact anything apart from put them in bed and leave them to it, then you are 'making a rod' and will never get them to settle on their own. I just think this is a myth

[MrsSpringsteen]

( an aside but my dp said what happens to peoples marriages ?)

[saintdobby]

but there are lots of other rooms you can have sex in, tell Mr Springsteen (can I call him the Boss?)

after our babies were asleep in our bed i came downstairs

Twas fun

Didn't hurt our marriage

[Lusi]

Thought about a name change for this but...
DD1 - bfed to sleep until 18 months...then cuddled to sleep until 5 years...on her birthday I said you are a big girl now and have to get yourself to sleep - which she did no problem -but I still did (and do sometimes) sit by her bed and have a chat about her day with her...
DD2 bfed until 24m and still cuddled to sleep (after stories and songs) at 29m.
Both of them would also fall alsleep in the car, in the pram on a walk, on the sofa or into their dinner...if they were tired. DD1 one had naps at nursery where she 'self settled'.
If either one of them wakes up in the night they come and get into bed with me and DP.
DD1 (8) rarely wakes up - maybe once in the last year after a nightmare...DD2 usually only when she needs a wee (won't wear a night time nappy so I have to get up and force persuade her to use her potty -if I don't I get wet too)
Unless I fall alsleep too ..the whole process takes less than half an hour. And it is a very precious half an hour of pure 'quality time'.
With DD1 I always knew what was going on at school,whether she was worried about anything, etc...plan to do the same as much as possible with DD2
DP can get DD2 to sleep by doing the stories and songs and then sitting in with her...

Loving those rods...

YANBU - time is short and this won't last forever ...IME your DP should be able to rock LO to sleep - so it shouldn't be problem - maybe he should give it a try...

[saintdobby]

Why would you namechange, Lusi?

Sounds really lovely and as if you're really happy with it, and not dissimilar to how it was for us. i didn't resent it, or fret about it either, it was a precious time when they were little.

You're right. It's over so soon, why not enjoy it?

[skidoodle]

I am no sleep expert but I would have thought that if he sleeps well generally then he does settle himself. I think self-settling is being able to drop back off to sleep all the times you wake/half wake in the night.

I've always felt glad my dd could do this as it means once she's down she will stay asleep (at this stage - 15 months) for the whole night.

I always fed her to sleep. Gradually she just stopped falling asleep while feeding, so then I would put her down awake and she'd drop off. She had a breastfeed before going down for the night until she was 12 months, but slept great. That said my sil regrets feeding to sleep because her ds seemed to not know how to sleep otherwise, so I guess it depends.

Perhaps their issue is that the way things are you have to be there for bedtime to feed him? Maybe they think it would be good if other people could do bedtime? Then you could go away fir the night.

I know at 6 months I was not ready for this and was quite happy to have to be there every night. We had our first night away only 2 weeks ago, which would be too long for some.

Talk to your dh. He might have his own thoughts on these issues. Your mil should butt out though and he must tell her that.

[MrsSpringsteen]

saint dobby - of course you can enjoy the feeding to sleep.parenting is a choice we make after all for ourselves intrinsically

the parent who lets the child learn to go to sleep on their own and puts the baby down awake can still 'enjoy' this

[Spidermama]

Like lockets mine all learned to self settle by themselves. I didn't even know there was something called 'self settling'. I have four and they can all get themselves to sleep absolutely fine and I always fed on demand throughout.

[saintdobby]

Yes of course, Mrs S, I was commenting on the fact that Lusi had thought about namechanging and was about cuddling to sleep till 5

I think we're mostly all doing our best and shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed about whatever we choose!

[Pinkjenny]

But go in with your eyes open, and accept that in some children, learned habits are hard to break.

[Salme101]

YANBU. Good to read so many other people reporting experiences which I recognise. DS feeds to sleep and has 1 or 2 night feeds at 1 year old, and I'm happy to carry on for as long as he needs to. He sleeps more solidly these days and can often settle without being picked up when he wakes in the night. I just don't see what the rush is. My MIL and SIL are lovely and do keep their opinions to themselves, but I gather they privately don't altogether approve: they had their DCs in their own rooms from day one and breastfed for 4-6 months. I think it's easy to forgot how much the advice about feeding/sleep/routines has changed over the years, and how much more social & NHS support for breastfeeding exists now (still not enough, of course). Older relatives in particular can be very well-meaning in their advice, i.e. they think it will be more convenient for you to do this stuff, but hey, just thank them for the advice and ignore them!

[blueshoes]

Some babies self-settle from an early age. Others show no inclination and in fact protest it quite violently.

My dcs fall in the latter category. I co-slept out of necessity. And it is the loveliest thing. I will take those memories most fondly to my grave. They grow up so quickly.

[MrsSpringsteen]

they do grow up quickly and i too relish every moment but find my children are more content after a good nights kip

me too

my dp too

[blueshoes]

Agree Leonie. For children with strong personalities, it is actually far easier to go with the flow. And is quite nice as well.

[herestoabetterfuture]

OP I think YANBU. Don't worry. Your baby is only little yet. I used to bf my DD to sleep, then when she was older lie down to sleep, then it went through sitting by the bed with my hand on her tummy to get her to sleep, now she takes a bottle of water .

It's probably not the "right" way but I don't think it's doing her any harm. You just figure out what is right for you, and if it is not then try something else.

Do what is best for you and baby and don't listen to others. I spent the early months worrying about what I wasn't doing right and in the end realised that it doesn't matter at all. Your baby will still grow up fine in the end.

[MrsSpringsteen]

many children who self settle have very strong personalities

or have i missed something?