to have no interest in teaching my DS to self settle?

[lowrib]

DP and MIL keep suggesting that it's time to let DS learn to self-settle. DS is 6 months.

I hadn't even considered this as a possibility, and I surprised myself by actually getting quite upset by the suggestion, in fact it has been our first serious disagreement about child rearing.

DS sleeps in a cot by our bed, usually coming into the bed after feeding in the night. I have always fed him to sleep so far, it works and he is usually a good sleeper. We started weaning recently, and I assumed we'd gradually drop milk feeds until just the night time one was left, and carry on with that until we stopped feeding altogether - when that will be I have no idea yet, but maybe in a year? I assumed that by then feeding would be only one part of the night time routine, and he'd (hopefully) slip into going to bed without feeding.

I don't understand the obsession with self-settling. I LIKE feeding my DS to sleep. It works, and he goes to sleep content.
DP says we should do it so he can learn to self-settle, but is there any need while he's so young, and still BF? I really don't get it.

When did you expect your DCs to self settle?

AIBU?

(DP and MIL are both lovely BTW, this isn't meant to be a DP or MIL bashing thread!)

[phlossie]

I wish I still had a baby to cuddle and nurse in bed! So snuggly. I want one! Mine sleep happily in their own beds, and I have to trick force talk my eldest into cuddling me. So enjoy it while you can, OP!

[PuzzleRocks]

Great post Ginger.
And I like your compromise.

[gingertoo]

barnsleybelle you have hit the nail on the head!
'we love and adore our children and are doing what is best for our families' is all that matters really isn't it? The various 'parenting styles' are not really right and wrong - they just suit some families and not others....

For what it's worth, we have a kind of 'halfway house' approach at our house. DS3 has a bath, cuddle, story, more cuddles, kiss, tucked in then goodnight. If i then left him and went downstairs he would scream the house down which we don't want! So, I stay upstairs, pick up the debris from bath time, sort the clothes for morning, put stuff in the airing cupboard etc while ds3 goes to sleep. It works, I think, because he can hear me - he knows he's not alone so he settles himself and goes to sleep.

I would love to sit with him until he goes to sleep but with 3 other dcs and a million things to do, I just can't, so this is a good compromise....

[barnsleybelle]

goingnowhere I see now

I have read many threads along similar lines of self settle versus feeding/cuddling to sleep etc. Foe some reason they can get very heated at times, although i think this thread has been relatively respectful.

I was a self settler and my sil is a cuddler/feed/sing to sleep. Our youngest are the same age. i find it amazing that she is sometimes taking up to an hour in the nursey rocking her ds to sleep almost 2 yrs after he's been born, plus again in the night whenever he may wake. She, however could have never ever contemplated listening to him cry for 5-10 mins like i did both mine.
We are the best of friends and although we have completely opposite parenting styles in some areas, we both love and adore our children and are doing what is best for our families. Surely that's all that matters?

[Hulla]

oops, my last line was meant to be deleted. I typed something about mums doing their best.

[Hulla]

Absolutely! I felt lost when dd was born. I bought all the baby manuals and expected her to drift off to sleep on her own in her lovley moses basket. When she'd only settle in bed with dh and I, I panicked about SIDS etc and we took turns keeping watch while the other one slept with the baby! Crazy! I tried GF, BW, followed my hv (feed to sleep but then wake her before putting her down so that she learns to self settle aka spend another hour settling your baby to sleep). In the end my dh took the books off me and said "just do what you think, forget what the book says."

Anyway, OP I feed my dd to sleep, in my bed. Last night she fed happily in bed but wasn't asleep when she'd finished. She then chatted away to herself, played with her feet, shouted "mamama" a few times and then closed her eyes and fell asleep.

I know now that she'll do it when she's ready and that's fine by me.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney loved your post.

I guess that's all any mum does

[Hulla]

LeninGrad I have read the thread and agree with your posts about how/why you settle your ds for sleep.

This really struck a chord with me:

"he is parented the way he is because of how he is."

That is my dd all over. People assume we've made a rod for our back with co-sleeping & feeding to sleep but these are how I cope with my dd. She cries before every nap and I suppose I could leave her to it but I won't. She seems to need me there so that's what I do.

We stayed with my MIL last week who made lots of undermining cooments about my parenting and even came into the bedroom when dd woke one night and took her out of my arms to "get her to sleep". DD became hysterical - she'd just woken to feed. At the end of our stay she said she doesn't understand my dd, she's the first baby that hasn't just drifted off in her arms. I was pleased she got to see that its just how she is and not something I am doing/not doing.

[missmem]

I became judgemental when you judged me for apparently making an inflammatory/defensive statement. I wasn't being defensive but was actually a little embarrassed that I obviously didn't think hard enough about what I should do.

Out of interest is saying it's not our parenting not a way of avoiding any blame for their actions. So if, God forbid, your son were to murder someone you could say it had absolutely nothing to do with the way you brought him up? Seems like a get out clause for our inadequacies as parents. We are all good parents but also very bad parents at times and if there is a parent who cannot see or accept that they are then they are the worst parents!

[goingnowherefast]

Barnsleybelle - I was trying to highlight (perhaps clumsily) how it might have made some people (me) feel to read that statement. Of course I don't actually think that teaching a baby to self settle is only to satisfy the mother's needs - it's true, every mother does what they think is best for the child and family (usually!) I don't agree with blatant CIO for a young'un, but anything else is horses for courses imo.
The statement riled me for the very reasons you point out.

[barnsleybelle]

" If I were trying to satisfy my own needs, I would be leaving DD to cry/grumble/moan/whatever so I could watch tv downstairs "

Err...not fair, you took offence and this comment based on cuddling and now i disagree you claiming that those of us who leave them to self settle are doing it to satisfy our own needs. Not so.

By allowing my babies to self settle which took around a week only, they now sleep 12 hours each night and can wake early morning and after a little babble go back off. I did this for my children and not for myself.

Why can't we just all admit that we are all actually trying to do the best we can for our children, just all a way that suits us?

[missmem]

LeninGrad, I don't think I made any comments or judgements into what others do, I just explained what I did.

In saying that it does surprise me just how many mums say "my little boy is so sensitive". That's virtually every boy on the planet then from what I've heard. How can one know how sensitive their child is at a couple of weeks old. My kids are, on the whole, the way they are because of how they are parented. Yes they have very different personalities but I have noticed that the nicest and softest of mums have children with the most appallingly disobedient behaviour. If course the parents do not notice that this is bad behaviour because they are almost frightened to be firm with their kids.

LeninGrad, none of this was directed at you because I only read the first post (not sure who posted it) and didn't read the rest!

[missmem]

The first time it felt like a very long time (15-20 mins) and OH was furious with me but the second time was less than 2 minutes and the third was about 10 seconds and that was that! I know they say it can damage children but to be honest it would have been more damaging having a mother that was over tired! Second baby, OH was willing me to do it even earlier!

[tiredlady]

Out of interest missmem, how long did your lo cry for when you put him down?

[missmem]

I must be an awful mother. I started self-settling (didn't know it had a name) at 1 week old. He would be asleep on me and the minute I stuck him in the cot he'd scream. This happened so often I thought stuff it, you can cry. I did it after every feed and after the third time he stopped crying and has always been wonderful at going to sleep unaided!

[Stigaloid]

Mine self-settled very young. I don't think i ever fed him to sleep but we had issues with BF'ing as he was allergic to dairy and soya protein and had horrendous reflux so we ended up having to give bottles from 8 weeks onwards and would have to sit with him afterwards to ensure he wasn't too sick. I am grateful that he has always been a self-settler and never needed a dummy or anything else to help him sleep but i have to say that each child is different and parenthood is a very personal journey. Do what you feel is comfortable for you and your baby. Does your DP feel this way because MIL does? How does having DC in the room with you affect your time together? Does he want to have the room back to just the two of you or is he happy for DC to still be in the room and just wants him self-settling?

Whatever decision you make, hope it works for you and that you work it out.

[lynniep]

oh thats wierd - I dont think what I thought ws the Original post was actually the original post, so whatever I say about "the statement sounded tentative to me by using the word 'maybe' " is related to- well - someone elses post I guess!

[lynniep]

well, I dont think YABU, no. You do what you want - you're a loving parent, you've made that choice and theres nothing wrong with it.

I started DS self settling when he was about a year old (until then I either BF him to sleep or later on I held his hand and sat with him) in the and it took me months (plus starting from scratch every time he was ill and regressed) to get him to the point where I could say night night and leave the room (he was about 2)

I did it slowly and by gradual withdrawal each time - I never left him to cry and I have spent hours sitting with him when he's woken in the night

I have to say am glad we did it - I get a decent nights sleep now, as does he, and we still get a cuddle when he wakes early and I bring him in with me.

I dont disagree completely with the statement OP made in the first post - I think that yes, some people are probably doing it to satisfy their own needs - DH often has a nap with DS because even though it messes up bedtimes (DS sleeps longer when he knows DH is lying there with him and therefore bedtime gets pushed back)he loves doing it and why shouldnt he.

BUT as you said, in this instance you are doing it because your child needs you. Its your perogative to choose whether or not to 'sleep train' or to comfort and its up to you how long you do that for.

I will point out though that that statement sounded tentative to me by using the word 'maybe' rather than being a sweeping generalisation, so whilst it clearly offended you, it probably hits the nail on the head for a small percentage of people.

[goingnowherefast]

I have to take exception to this comment:

"This will sound quite controversial but maybe those people feeding, cuddling to sleep etc are doing it to satisfy their own needs?"

I am one of these people, and no, I am not doing it to satify my own needs. How would that work, exactly? If I were trying to satisfy my own needs, I would be leaving DD to cry/grumble/moan/whatever so I could watch tv downstairs. No - I'm doing it to satisfy my baby's needs. She would be scared if I left her to fall asleep alone. My job is to be there for her as long as she needs me. When I am confident that she understands "Mummy is still here, she hasn't gone, she's just downstairs and will come if you need her but you need to go to sleep now", I may consider trying to change things. Until then, I will be doing everything in my power to ensure that she is happy and secure.

[Nefret]

Neither of my girls go to sleep on their own, they ar 5 and 2½ and I sit with them both until they sleep, they also spend a lot of time in our bed, if they wake, they come in. Although there are nights when they both take ages to go to sleep and I would rather not be sat with them, most nights I am happy to spend the time with them.

[rainbowrosie]

MOrning- Just in case this is helpful if you want to self settle i have found this very successful

• I have a CD of Soothing Sounds from the Happiest baby on the block.....basically hoover noise, rain noise, womb noises

So i feed Rosie (17wks) say goodnight or time to sleep for her daytime nap - put her in her bed awake -put the CD on track 4 on repeat (she likes hoovers) and leave her to it - we have been incredibly lucky so far that from early wks she goes down at night like a dream

daytime naps have been a little more broken if we at home and not walking

i have just started using the cd for daytime naps and so far been getting about 1.5-2hrs at home, if we not going out with the buggy

we are however experiencing these last couple ofdays early morning wake up at 4.30/5am ha ha ha yipee..progress not perfection is my mantra

[Pikelit]

Is ""self-settle" actually a euphemism for "could you get that kid out of my bed?". Only you (lowrib) seem to have a lovely system that suits you and your ds and, at 6 months old, doesn't come across as unreasonable.

Different children suit different routines though. DS1 (now a public sector manager!) was a total nightmare if left to self-settle. If pushed around the block in the buggy or taken for drive he'd drop off immediately but the very sight of his lovely comfy cot brought on fit of crying. Not believing that it is good for anyone if babies are left to cry endlessly, I'd sit and cuddle him (had to stop feeding at 5 months due to abscess) and he'd finally settle.

DS2 (born 18 months after ds1) came straight home from hospital, got put into cot at bedtime, bade a cheery goodnight and left. Not a squeak was heard from him!

Why the difference? Mainly, I think, in my confidence as a mother and brutally, the lack of time to be spending half the night putting them to bed! It was as if ds2 had picked up the bedtime vibes and happily went along with them.

My MIL was the world expert on child-rearing though. Strangely enough the children thrived despite my wilful refusal to take most of her advice.